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Would you tell a potential sex partner about a sexual assalt? Guys?


surfdiva

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I'm seeing someone new and things are going great, it's heading in "that" direction. When I was 19 I was sexually assaulted by two men, I won't/can't go in to details but it was extremely violent and traumatic, even in my 40's there are situations that still affect me. Situations of how I was abused, certain positions and some other things that still are traumatic.

 

I'm wondering if I should tell this new guy about it. Things got a little heated last night and we were close but I felt like I should talk to him about what happened and the reason I don't like certain positions, etc. done in the bedroom. I was married for a very long time and I had told my husband (prior to being intimate) and he was very respectful, as was my last long term (3 years) boyfriend.

 

I've been to therapy for it and have come about as far as I can and my day to day life is fine, it's just in the bedroom, I get very nervous if my partner doesn't know and will try to do certain things.

 

Guys, how would it make you feel? I feel like damaged goods and it could make some guys too uncomfortable to be with me.

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I'm sorry to hear about this, that's horrible.

 

It's as big of an issue or as small of an issue as you make it. I would suggest you put that one into a grave and never think or refer to it....in time, it will hopefully go away.

 

But NOTHING good can come of telling him that.....

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I'm sorry to hear about this, that's horrible.

 

It's as big of an issue or as small of an issue as you make it. I would suggest you put that one into a grave and never think or refer to it....in time, it will hopefully go away.

 

But NOTHING good can come of telling him that.....

 

OK, thank you for your perspective. But what if during sex he try's to initiate one of the things I panic on?

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I see nothing wrong with telling him. If you are bothered by certain situations, it's good for him to know why.

 

For myself, it would not affect my opinion of a woman one little bit. You'd have to be a pretty cold and callous human being to see someone as damaged goods. If he truly is a nice guy he will be fine with it and it may help you to feel more comfortable.

 

And I'd have to respectfully disagree about burying trauma in the past and never addressing it and hoping it will go away. Talk to any mental health provider and they will tell you that is the worst thing you can do. Repressing memories is never healthy.

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Well, I can confidently say there are few bigger boner killers for me than the idea of having sex with my partner potentially triggering feelings from her sexual assault.

 

Are you still going to therapy? Have you seen different therapists? Ideally, this is an elephant in the bedroom that would be best dealt with permanently rather than him shimmying around it, but you may not have a choice in the matter. But, thinking positively, the guy might be as accommodating as your previous partners were.

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yes, i would tell him.

-to avoid triggering an acute trauma response

-to check whether he is or isn't feeling up to the challenge of being close to a person living with trauma response

-and because i believe that any given area in the relationship where there isn't open discourse- is the area where you're going to have possibly insurmountable relationship issues

-because i wouldn't want to be intimate with anyone who doesn't understand or accept my sexuality, especially if the latter is specific because of an assault.

 

you have ongoing therapy to stop internalizing how you have been treated and eventually stop feeling like damaged goods. you're not there yet and yes, some people would be too uncomfortable with that to be with you. you would also be uncomfortable with someone whom you had to keep in the dark about your state of mind and about how you experience sex.

 

i take it you're getting close with this person and not just "heated". if you are just getting heated and not close then this is one experience you'll have to think thouroughly about before deciding if it's worth jumping in the sheets or not. you are already doubting that you could- with an acive trauma response- handle a sex act with a guy without him knowing about your issue and without him agreeing to adapt the sex to avoid triggering anything.

 

i honestly think that in your case, taking things slow is unavoidable.

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Of course you should tell him. Tell him without revealing the gory details - you were a victim for goodness sake! How about "I was assaulted many years ago and because of that I feel uncomfortable when [fill in the blank]." Honestly you don't even have to reveal it was sexual - the point is that because it was a physical violation of your body you now prefer not to be touched in certain ways or be in certain positions. If he wants to know more he will ask and it's totally ok if you share only what you feel you need to to get the message across.

 

I am so sorry this happened to you.

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I see nothing wrong with telling him. If you are bothered by certain situations, it's good for him to know why.

 

For myself, it would not affect my opinion of a woman one little bit. You'd have to be a pretty cold and callous human being to see someone as damaged goods. If he truly is a nice guy he will be fine with it and it may help you to feel more comfortable.

 

And I'd have to respectfully disagree about burying trauma in the past and never addressing it and hoping it will go away. Talk to any mental health provider and they will tell you that is the worst thing you can do. Repressing memories is never healthy.

 

Thank you Clinton, although it doesn't define who I am by any means, it was a very big event in my life that I can't bury and forget about, trust me, I wish I could, LOL! I wish it didn't happen, but it did. Thank you for your perspective. The "damaged goods" is the one thing therapy hasn't been able to help me with, it's just how I feel sometimes.

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I'm sorry to hear about this, that's horrible.

 

It's as big of an issue or as small of an issue as you make it. I would suggest you put that one into a grave and never think or refer to it....in time, it will hopefully go away.

 

But NOTHING good can come of telling him that.....

 

I totally disagree, tell him! Nothing BAD will come from that! Only creates more understanding.

If you don't tell him and something happens which triggers the event and you freeze or panic he won't understand, might panic or think it's him

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I was sexually abused by my brother in my childhood. I have had 2 long term relationships so far and I have told both men. It has always been important to me that they know. If men don’t want to be with me because of that, that’s how it is then, I can deal with that. But I want potential partner to understand why I don’t have contact with my family, and the abuse is the main reason. Also I feel vulnerable when having sex and I want my partner to understand that. My last ex thought it was something that happened in the past and that I was “over” it. For me it is never really “over”.

 

I am single for the moment, but yes, if ever I would meet someone new, I would tell him for sure before we would get intimate.

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OK, thank you for your perspective. But what if during sex he try's to initiate one of the things I panic on?

 

Don't let the past effect your current relationship or your future.

 

BY doing so, you let those bastards that did this to you win.

 

I know it's easier said than done but like I said, just get that entire incident out of your mind......or try to.

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Don't let the past effect your current relationship or your future.

 

BY doing so, you let those bastards that did this to you win.

 

I know it's easier said than done but like I said, just get that entire incident out of your mind......or try to.

 

Honestly DoF, this is terrible advice. Panic reactions aren't things you can just turn off, and if you try to, they can get worse. The OP is in therapy, she's obviously doing her best to not let it define her or her future or her sexuality, but she has to work it out. Working it out is not lett them win, it's making sure she can live a good, full life.

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I'm sorry to hear about this, that's horrible.

 

It's as big of an issue or as small of an issue as you make it. I would suggest you put that one into a grave and never think or refer to it....in time, it will hopefully go away.

 

But NOTHING good can come of telling him that.....

 

I totally disagree with this as well. And if you think it is as easy as bury it to never think of it again...you are sadly mistaken. It doesn't work like that. And especially coming from someone who consistently advocates for nothing being private in a relationship... why does this not count? hmmm..

 

Anyway, I think you should inform your partner, not because you have to, but because you want to be open an honest with who you are. As terrible as it was for you, it is apart of you and it is important that you share with your partner in order for him to understand you. He should be compassionate and understanding of your situation. If he is not, then this is not the guy for you.

 

I had an instance happen to me as well and I told my boyfriend about it a couple of months into dating because it was important for me for him to know. He was so compassionate and kind to me about it and it was never "an issue" for us. It is something that I will probably have to deal with for the rest of my life, but at least I have caring people around me to help me through it.

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I'm sorry about the terrible thing that happened to you.

 

I agree with others that if you think that you could be placed into a traumatic reliving of the attack by certain intimate situations, then you ought to address that with your partner. If the partner is sensitive to your needs, then they will be understanding.

 

Keep up the therapy with an eye to eliminating or minimizing triggers.

 

Enjoy life!

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Don't let the past effect your current relationship or your future.

 

BY doing so, you let those bastards that did this to you win.

 

I know it's easier said than done but like I said, just get that entire incident out of your mind......or try to.

I think it depends on the extent of it. If she has to pull out an entire playbook of acceptable sexual positions and actions in order to avoid triggers, then I'd say she might have to step up her therapy a bit. If she's simply letting him know that he might need to be a bit more gentle or to avoid particularly abrasive pillow talk, I think that's absolutely fine.

 

It's reasonable to expect our partners take adequate measures to improve and sustain their mental health. It's unreasonable to expect an experience like that to simply go away.

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If she has to pull out an entire playbook of acceptable sexual positions and actions in order to avoid triggers,

 

No, it's not that extensive. I've worked through most of it, but there is a particular position that I was in during the assault that has triggered a panic. I know some men like the hair pulling and have a thing for that.

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Thank you Clinton, although it doesn't define who I am by any means, it was a very big event in my life that I can't bury and forget about, trust me, I wish I could, LOL! I wish it didn't happen, but it did. Thank you for your perspective. The "damaged goods" is the one thing therapy hasn't been able to help me with, it's just how I feel sometimes.

 

Well I can honestly say without a hint of insincerity that you are not damaged goods. You sound like a nice, caring individual who has had some bad things happen in their life yet has risen up to meet that challenge. A lot of people would be absolutely crushed by your experience but you seem to have recovered well. That kind of resilience is something to be proud of.

 

You can tell him or not, it's your choice to make. But never hide it because you feel ashamed. There's nothing to be ashamed of.

 

Best of luck

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A lot of people would be absolutely crushed by your experience but you seem to have recovered well. That kind of resilience is something to be proud of.

 

 

Again, thank you. I appreciate your words. Yes, it was awful and traumatic but an amazing therapist asked me if I was going to let what happened define me. It was then and there that I decided it would never EVER define who I was, it was something that happened but it didn't deterime who I was as a person.

 

Along with therapy, the thing that helped me the most was my love for the ocean and surfing. It's something I've done my whole life and I turned to it even more after the assault, it's difficult to think bad things when you're riding a wave and are surrounded by dolphins

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There was a time when I was ready to process my rape experience. At that time, I spoke of it more readily than before. I wanted it in the light. I wanted to destigmatize it. Eventually, it faded. Now, I don't talk about it except on eNA. I may make an oblique reference, such as "you'd be surprised how many people don't talk about it etc., and beyond that, I don't feel a need to claim it and I recognize that the knowledge burdens the listener.

 

If I were in an intimate relationship and my bf wanted to know, I would tell him everything. I have nothing to hide. At this point, I also wouldn't offer it, because I am able to protect him from having to process that experience. When the pain and anger were closer to the surface, I would tell it, share it, and not care so much whether he wanted to know.

 

I have sometimes said in an unremarkable fashion. I've been raped. Rarely does anyone say anything back specific to my sentence. If I've offered it to help prove a point, the conversation returns to the abstract. The concept of trauma is overwhelming for people.

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What struck me most is that you are talking about a "new sex partner"

 

If you have sensitive information you want to express to someone, or needs to be handled with care why not instead of worrying if you should tell or not - why not wait for telling them and having sex when there has been some developed emotional intimacy first - trust has been established. and this person is your potential exclusive boyfriend or your boyfriend rather than just a potential sex partner? I would think it would be less emotionally distressing or taxing on you if that were the case. Maybe this person you actually have been dating for quite awhile and have developed emotional intimacy - its just that "potential new sex partner" just seems at odds with intimacy, trust, and sounds more anonymous. I would think part of the healing process continues with being able to get over the hurdles of emotional intimacy and feeling safe and not just giving someone a heads up on what acts may trigger. But that is just me.

 

Have you had other conversations about feelings, etc, so you will get a good feel on how they will react to your new info you want to share?

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