He lied about where he was

I will try to make this as short as possible. My fiancé recently started working in a different department and he had to go to training for 2 weeks in another state. I know he likes to drink but he doesn't do it more than 3 times a month when at home. Well, it was a Wednesday night and I was calling his phone and he calls me back about 20 minutes later at around 11:30pm. He said he had a few drinks at the restaurant he was at and he was back in his hotel room. I could tell he was drunk and I could tell he was lying about something, I just had that intuition. The next day I looked up the restaurant he said he was at and it closed at 10pm. I decided to do something that I shouldn't have but I needed to where he was. He left his email logged in when he left so I had a way of finding out where he was and he was at a strip club, for 3 hours. I called him and confronted him and he continued to try and lie he said he went with a friend from his training but about an hour later I found out he went alone. He knows how I feel about strip clubs and for him to go ALONE really hurt. This happened about 4 weeks ago and he still swears that he absolutely did not get a lap dance. He swears he will never go to a strip club again and he was drunk before he went and he wanted to take advantage of the beer special they had (obviously I didn't believe that). I'm still so upset about it, that he lied and that he would go to a place like that by himself. I still wonder if he got lap dances. Every single day I think about it and we're supposed to be getting married in 8 months. I can't figure out why he would go. I am not an unattractive woman by any means. I find myself questioning everything he says and being jealous over things that I normally wouldn't be. This is not who I am and I don't know how to get over it. I tried to stop bringing it up because I know it hurts him too but I constantly think about it. Like I'll never get the whole story and I'll just keep wondering. I don't if this is something I should leave for. We've been together only a year and a half and I'm wondering if this is the real him or what? He says it was a one time thing and he feels terrible and he shouldn't have went but how can I believe him when he lied about it in the first place?

First off, all of you women listen:

It has NOTHING to do with your level of attractiveness. It comes down to one very simple dynamic: old vs. new. A man could have Eva Mendes to come home to every night but you better believe after a few months he's still gonna be checking out other gals.

That said, he broke your established boundaries and lied about it. If you don't think rebuilding trust in him is something that will happen organically, then I'd strongly suggest couples counseling. If you two are engaged, you really should be undergoing pre-marital counseling already anyhow. It's up to you to gauge how much effort and resources you feel this relationship is worth.

Your guardian angel or fate has a way of making secrets known so that you can digest the truth and make your decision. Expect that how things are in the present will always be. If you expect someone to change to make you happy, it usually doesn't happen. He's showing you who he is. He will do what he wants and will lie to you so he won't, in his eyes, get his head bitten off by you. I guess you don't mind that he regularly gets drunk about 3 times a month. As for me, I like a man with healthier hobbies. If going to a strip club is a deal breaker to you, then he's not the man for you. He would be spending lots of money there, and you would never know if he's getting a lap dance or not. If he has the ethics to lie about his whereabouts, then only an epiphany would make him change, and that would probably take a few more years to see if that's happened, so I would delay the wedding and see if that's actually happened. Take care.

If you can truly say this reaction of yours is not who you are (" This is not who I am and I don't know how to get over it.") can you also say his action that night is not who he is?

What can he do to make this right? If there is nothing, then you need to end it. If you are not willing to end it, then seek couples counseling as j.man suggested.

The breach of trust goes both ways, he crossed your boundaries (yours, not his) by going to a strip club and hiding it; you crossed his boundaries by snooping.

About snooping…and this is in general after reading numerable posts about in here on eNA, if you have a gut feeling of distrust and feel the urge to snoop to find answers, first think long and hard what you ultimately plan to do with the information you are seeking. Using it to against the other doesn't usually seem to work. Decide if it is a deal breaker, come up with a plan for yourself, or find a constructive way that you can process and move forward with the information you might find.

"A man could have Eva Mendez to come home to every night but you better believe after a few months he's still gonna be checking out other gals." As a woman if I had an attractive guy that loved me I wouldnt be checking out other guys!

"A man could have Eva Mendez to come home to every night but you better believe after a few months he's still gonna be checking out other gals." As a woman if I had an attractive guy that loved me I wouldnt be checking out other guys!

I don't believe you. You have eyes so by default you will see other attractive males.

There is nothing wrong with looking/peaking. Heck wife and I LOVE people watching.....I have 0 problems with my wife checking out other guys.

If that's a rule or boundary in your relationship, you are simply setting yourself up for failure. You will only end up with liars....

I can't figure out why he would go. I am not an unattractive woman by any means.

Women don't read romance novels because their boyfriends are unattractive. I think you need to understand that going to a strip club likely has very little to do with you.

I don't think your problem is the strip club. I think the problem is that he doesn't have the guts to stand up to you and tell you what he was really doing, and you then played detective. Lying is not the best character trait in the world, as you've pointed out, but nor is behaving like a parent.

If he's willing to be truthful here on out, are you willing to let him be who he is—which might be a guy who goes to strip clubs once in a while? Or is that the dealbreaker?

Havent you heard the term.. "I only have eyes for you." I most certainly would not entertain a strip club when Im about to marry the love of my life.

Checking out other women and going to a strip club are two different things.

As others have said,the issue is the lying, not the strip club.

I think you two should go to some therapy to work through this. Lying to the person your going to marry is a huge red flag.

Havent you heard the term.. "I only have eyes for you." I most certainly would not entertain a strip club when Im about to marry the love of my life.

Unless you are dead, your eyes will still find other people attractive. It doesn't lessen your attraction to your significant other.

The guy wanted to go to a strip club. And lied about it. The lying is the issue, not the strip club.

Going to a strip club with the guys for a bachelor party isn't a deal breaker and I'm ok with that, going to the strip club alone is a deal breaker.

Going to a strip club with the guys for a bachelor party isn't a deal breaker and I'm ok with that, going to the strip club alone is a deal breaker.

Then there you have it ---- a deal breaker.

Actually I am kind of dead inside.. Fair enough. I think the lying AND the strip club are both issues.

Going to a strip club with the guys for a bachelor party isn't a deal breaker and I'm ok with that, going to the strip club alone is a deal breaker.

Why is ok one way and not the other?

I still wonder about this, too:

If you can truly say this reaction of yours is not who you are (" This is not who I am and I don't know how to get over it.") can you also say his action that night is not who he is?

Either this is who you are and this is how he is (you are both revealing things about yourselves) or not. How do you view the bigger picture?

Going to a strip club with the guys for a bachelor party isn't a deal breaker and I'm ok with that, going to the strip club alone is a deal breaker.

Why exactly is alone a dealbreaker? Because he wasn't coerced in any way?

I think that's a minor distinction, at best.

I'm just going to say it. I think you have some unrealistic expectations. Yes, even when in a relationship with someone they love, people find other people attractive. That doesn't mean they will cheat or antyhing like that. Just that they have working eyeballs.

Are you seriously saying that since being with him you have not found one other person attractive? No random guy on the street or famous actor?

Lying is certainly a dealbreaker for me and it seems to be for you as well. Again, I suggest the two of you get some therapy to work on his lying and your ridiculously high standards.

But we're getting married, I feel like "deal breakers" are for people that are dating. I don't want to be a nag and keep bringing it up but I can't get past it. I am an extremely laid back person and not much can get to me like this has.

Why would you marry someone who crossed a boundary you consider a deal breaker?

You can't get past it. So, either couples counseling to see how you can and why he went/then lied about it (though the answer to that is because he knew it would upset you) ---- or cancel the wedding.

OK, us blokes will do thinks like divide the amount we've had to drink by 3. Is it our fault for overstepping the mark or lying or it the girls' fault for setting the mark too tightly? Honestly, either or both.

I would question why someone would go to a strip club alone. Maybe something to do and somewhere to be after a day's work away from home. More likely for a bit of sexual stimulation when the wife isn't around.

I know my wife would not want me to go and I respect her wishes. I have been caught lying about alcohol before, though.

But we're getting married, I feel like "deal breakers" are for people that are dating. I don't want to be a nag and keep bringing it up but I can't get past it. I am an extremely laid back person and not much can get to me like this has.

You said yourself " going to the strip club alone is a deal breaker." so it either is or it isn't. I think you can't get past it because it IS a deal breaker for you. Deal breakers are about boundaries, and relationships. If you have standards and are willing to ignore them, why should you expect anyone else not to ignore them, or not to ignore their own even? What's the point of having them?

Activeptm, I THINK YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS GUY! Seriously.

I do not have ridiculously high expectations, I have never told him what he can or cannot do. He went to a strip club for a bachelor party over the summer and I didn't care about that. I do care that he went alone and lied about it. Yes, I have thought other men were good looking but I didn't have them half naked dancing on me. There's a difference. I don't except him to not find other women attractive. I'm 30 years old, not 18. I understand how the world works.

You still haven't said what the difference is if he goes alone?

Because going for a bachelor party is going to be social and hang out with your friends. Going alone just doesn't say the same thing.