Overcoming her past

Common topic but I guess I need to vent or to understand or I dont know...

I think I am quite particular about this issue. I dont have a problem with her past boyfriends, if it was a comited long term relationship ok! My problem are the others. Knowing that I have this problem, I always told her that I dont want to know. And although I dont like it does/would not disturb me if I knew about a couple of guys that mislead her into thinking that they want a relationship but in the end was just sex.

What disturbs me is that when we were looking at her pictures in the laptop there was a screenshot of a whatsapp message (i guess her phone syncronizes photos with the PC automatically), and in this screenshot there was a message from a guy I dont like asking if she enjoyed the sex? Could he be asking about one date she had? I dont think so. Also the date of the message was 1 month before we started hanging out so there is no betrayal.

I felt chrushed I dont know why. I think it is because I really dont like this guy, he has affairs with married women, lives out of social support and is basically an idiot! I dont regart him as a good human and I think if it was someone else well thats life, but now it makes me think... in an arrogant away... that I might be too good for her. How can she give herself to such an idiot with poor morals? Makes me see her with much lower value and like that she does not deserve me.

Maybe some people in particular women can help me understand what makes a woman sometimes get involved with such low men.

I like her but this is such a turn off...

Then don't date her.

Thank you for the answer but that does no help. I dont want that people tell me what to do, im trying to understand. Am I being unreasonable? It this a redflag? I am just being jealous?

You are unreasonably jealous and imposing your moral code on her.

I don't see you getting past it...so don't date her.

Am I? I dont have a problem with her past lovers, but if one is an idiot (the most recent one) is that being jealous or omething else? I did not impose, in fact I did not tell her anything. But I am disturbed by the news... Imagining that she got that close to such type of man hurts

By the way... This is a place for listenong and helping people. I dont think your approach is the best. No one should tell anyone what to do in such matter. Coment yes, disagree yes, but make such statements like "you wont make it, leave" i think is not how people should comunicate in such sensitive matters. Also it just happened today, its very fresh, why would I not get over it?

Because your moral judgement is not going to disappear. I would not advise changing your values to date a woman you cannot respect. So that means you take a pass and find someone whose values match yours.

Well, you can't change her past, can you? Neither can she. What happened happened, and it will stay in her past and at the back of your mind until you learn to let it go, or let her go.

The question is: will you be able to let it go?

For the record, I think your jealousy is irrational, but you are entitled to your own feelings and reactions, just like the rest of us. Just because *I* would be able to put that piece of info behind me doesn't mean that you will be able to do so too, or that you should. So only you can decide whether her sleeping with that guy is a deal breaker for you, or if you can overlook it. It sounds to me like you can't, and if it's going to build resentment within you which will spill over your relationship with her, then what's the point in continuing this relationship?

Just the fact that you think that guy is a bum doesn't mean he is really a bum, all it means is that you don't like him. Clearly she did like him enough to sleep with him, can you make peace with that?

Only you can answer that...

Is it jealousy?. If it was i would not like any guy in her past right?. I dont think about the others, but this one... i have so little consideration for him as a man that it makes me think/upset/disturbed that she got involved with him.

Actually i came her cause i want to get over it or to see if people see it as a redflag. To forget would be easier if I heard some encouraging messages. Just want some help to overcome it, apparentely no one see this a redflag.

Thanks for all the messages so far

It isn't a red flag.

She chose to sleep with him. Now she chooses to sleep with you.

He is her past --- you are her present.

I dont regart him as a good human and I think if it was someone else well thats life, but now it makes me think... in an arrogant away... that I might be too good for her. How can she give herself to such an idiot with poor morals? Makes me see her with much lower value and like that she does not deserve me.

This does not sound all that loving to me. "Lower value"? She is not a commodity, she's a human being who's "value" is based on much more than who she's slept with or dated in the past.

I don't think this is a "red flag" on her end, but I do think it's a potential "red flag" for her about you. Your view of partners/relationships seems a bit skewed and based on what "worth" you think people have or don't have.

It must be tough being so perfect that you never made a mistake or had poor judgement.

Are you telling me there aren't things from your past she could find out that would make her feel the same way? It's not jealousy. You have a superiority complex. She is not beneath you for sleeping with him, you are beneath her for being so judgmental about something that is absolutely not your business or concern.

Yes there are but people grow up and learn. If it would be years ago ok but it was just now, thats what disturbs me. Im not superior and I called myself arrogant for feeling this way.

It is true that it is none of my business her past but it is of my business her personality. I dont know what this actions mean. I despise betrayals and affairs with married people, and this guy does it as a way of life. I dont doub her loyalty but I question what does this say about her personality. I would never get involved with such a person with low morals like this guy and thats why it hit me and it is a turn off.

I accept the critics and its hard to explain, its not so much about the act itself but what does it mean? Low selfesteem? Means nothing?

Means nothing.

Have you asked her straight out if she was involved with him?

I wouldn't call this jealousy. I'd find it a turn off as well, if it is true. And yes, the answer is decide if it's a deal breaker or not. Maybe her judgement is poor, maybe her values are different than yours, maybe.. You'd have to get to know her further to know. So either it's such a turn off that you don't want to learn further, or you can chill and see how this plays out as far as getting to know her better and her character.

His message says it all. I dont know if it is a good idea to bring this topic. The only thing it would help is if she said she was feeling bad, low, confused, or that she did not know that he was like this. I dont know... Just something... Omg he is such an idiot...

 

I accept the critics and its hard to explain, its not so much about the act itself but what does it mean? Low selfesteem? Means nothing?

It could mean that she didn't care at the time. Or that she was in a dark place. Or that she liked something about him that you don't see and for her, at that second, it outweighed what you think is bad about him.

Does it matter what it does or doesn't mean? It happened. You either get past it or end the relationship. There is no third choice.

I know what happened now and it was short (1 month) after a breakup with a person that really neglegted her. While I still think that people that fall for this traps show some signs of weakness/naivety I dont hold it against her.

This guy targets unhappy women in unhappy marriages or women in vulnerable situations like post breakup and shows up as very caring and supportive and understanding. I hate this idiot!!! He has no chance of getting a girl in a normal state of mind. He does not look good, has no goals, is one of those guys people laugh about how he dresses and dances in a club, just ridiculous, he is a manipulator. i dont know about other women but my girlfriend is so gorgeous and so much better than him socially, and as person, with her looks. I think this is what hurts me so much. It would not hurt me she if she had kind of a rebound with a cool normal guy instead of gettint involved with this idiot.

It happened 1 time then she said it did not feel right. He again was always very understanding and said that wanted just a friend cause he was out of a relationship too (maybe a lie), but kept showering her with attention and caring. This confused her again and being vulnerable she thought that maybe there is more about him and it happened a second time another month later. She said again that they can only be friends cause she does not feel it. After that he keept the game, showering with attention, writting messages, poems, flowers, manipulating. Probably it could have happened again until she got out of her vulnerable state. Meanwhile I showed up and we are official and they dont have contact anymore. So much for such a great friend...

Also she did not know about his affairs with married women, he told her that after she started dating me. I guess its his manipulative way of showing that he is available even if she is taken now.

She was naive but she was very vulnerable and she is sensitive. I dont blame her, dont hold it against her and I know I will get over it over time but for now it still hurts me that she was used by an idiot, loser, manipulator, and a guy a million times worse than her. Feels like a model having sex with a creepy, lousy, disgusting, not sexy, manipulative bum. Im sure she was the best he ever put his hands on.

That said... I dont know what can I do to forget this as soon as possible... This does not happen with her exes, i dont have a problem with that, but sometimes I get flashes of her naked with this disgusting man. I push it out of my mind immediatly but I want it to stop. This really was a hard punch in my stomach and this reaction never happened to me before. Its the past, I dont have to forgive her, its not her fault, why do I think about this specific sh*t?!? At least when we are intimate I dont... Uffff