Stable Ex or Exciting New girl

Here's how the story starts off. Me and my ex (24 and 23) were in a loving relationship for 3 years. However, things started going downhill in the last few months, she became busy with work and studies. One night, we had a quarrel because she lied to me about something.

I was angry and I told her I wanted to sleep first and talk about it the next day. The next day, she asked for a break.

It lasted 3 days. And on the 4th day, she requested for a break up. I tried my best to convince her otherwise but she seemed adamant about it. She gave me the reason that the sparks were missing, she felt that I did too much for her and she couldn't reciprocate because she was busy.

I mourned and my heart was crushed. I texted her constantly-only to see one word replies. I even wrote a letter. But she still seemed adamant about the breakup and asked me to date other girls to forget her. She said that I'll probably be the guy she loves the most and she'll never find a guy like me again.

I started the 30 day no contact thing in hope of getting her back, and slowly, I just stopped thinking about her that much. I would say that the feelings of loss were reduced by a good 60 percent. She never talked to me and I honestly thought we were never going to have another shot at it.

In the same period, I used tinder and I met a lady i could really click with. She seemed mature and I really just wanted to sleep with her. When I met up with her though, I found out that she was 18. And so we just made out and spent 7 hours just talking in the hotel room I booked. It turned out that she broke up with her ex in the same week that I did.

Over the weeks, I built a really cool relationship with this new girl, and it has been 2.5 months now. I had really good conversations with her because she is an ambitious lady and we talk about deeper topics like the universe, politics ,philosophy and music. Which are my interests.

She shows lots of interest in me and I can tell that this relationship would go the right way although she keeps telling me not to fall in love with her in a playful manner. On the other hand, she'd tell me that she will make me fall in love with her. We share a really cute relationship. The bad side is that she sends me mixed signals. Sometimes she says she wants to be single and playfully tells me that she wants to marry a rich guy. Other times she tells me she misses me and hugs me really tightly and kisses me alot when she sees me.

Suddenly, my ex texts me out of the blue. She does not know anything about me and this new girl at all. Nothing.

She tells me that she regrets it and she would not break up with me if she could turn back the time. She says she misses what we shared and that she made a mistake.

My ex is a family person, and more down to earth. She gets along with all my family members and she's more stable as someone you'd trust with your kids. We get along well too but we talk about topics like babies, houses, dogs, and about our friends and families.

I loved her deeply for the last 3 years and if not for the break up, I was planning to marry her when I graduate from University in 1.5 years.

We met up for several meals and I even tell the new girl about it whenever I do.

The new girl and I have a really honest relationship because we started off as shoulders to cry on.

She just tells me to have fun and pokes fun at the situation but I can tell that she doesn't really like it.

So I have this really interesting new girl that I am not officially with yet. We know that we like one another though and we will probably get together given a couple of months. To ensure that its not a rebound situation. I really like her, I want to protect her and do many things with her.

And on the other hand I have my ex, the girl I loved so deeply for 3 years. We both have our issues but they were never huge. My friends told me that we were the role model of their relationships.

we know one another fairly well and the sex with her is great.

But the fact remains that she dumped me due to lame reasons. Now she's back, she doesnt know about the new girl at all. And I have to choose and stop being selfish.

Do I go for familiarity, the stable and warm kind of love, or do I go for excitement, common mindsets and the cute, fun kind of love.

What should I do.

Don't judge but it is only after this, that I realised that a heart has the capacity to love more than one person.

First of all, the relationship with the 18 year old is a rebound relationship...I know you are trying to spin it like it isn't, but you met her on tinder and booked a hotel room the first night you met and gushed about your ex....HELLOOOO rebound!!

And as for your ex, you need to decide what you want to do with that relationship. She had time to figure out what she wanted and she went back to you, but I would still tread lightly with that and trust your instincts if something is off. If she wants anything short of getting back together officially, she is not serious about it.

So it's up to you what you want to do, but if you want a relationship, the 18 year old is not it.

First of all, the relationship with the 18 year old is a rebound relationship...I know you are trying to spin it like it isn't, but you met her on tinder and booked a hotel room the first night you met and gushed about your ex....HELLOOOO rebound!!

 

And as for your ex, you need to decide what you want to do with that relationship. She had time to figure out what she wanted and she went back to you, but I would still tread lightly with that and trust your instincts if something is off. If she wants anything short of getting back together officially, she is not serious about it.

 

So it's up to you what you want to do, but if you want a relationship, the 18 year old is not it.

I agree, your thinking your having great feelings with this new girl but the fact is, your fresh out of being dumped and your just thinking all of this. It'd be a rebound relationship and there's no going back to your ex if you decide to get into a relationship with this 18 year old. On top of that, tour about to graduate school and start your career and life. Do you really think an 18 year old girl who hasn't really experienced life is ready to settle down?

Look at it this way. Any chick who sticks around while you play footsie with an ex is not worth your time. She has no respect for herself. Any woman worth having would tell you "lose my number until you've figured out your (bleep)"

although she keeps telling me not to fall in love with her in a playful manner.

The relationship with the 18 year old is a rebound. And it is early days so it is all new and exciting and in direct contrast to the last bit of time you were with your ex, so one could see how that would be appealing. However, the 18 year old is all over the map in terms of what she wants and so she should be, she is 18 after all, so was I when I was that age. I am not someone who minds an age gap in a relationship but the difference between 18 and 24 is a pretty big one, way bigger than 24 and 30. I think you should take that under serious consideration. It is highly doubtful that this relationship will have staying power.

If I were you I would enjoy the fling for what it was and move on. Then I would talk to your ex and see what her intentions are.

That "unstable" thing will be fun for a month or two. Then it will get very tired...that is, for anyone who has a smidgen of maturity.

That being said, why do you have to jump right back in with your ex? Can you be single for a while to get yourself settled first?

It was meant to be a one night stand yes. But i realized that we hit it off really well. And i don't know if i am the childish one, but our maturity levels are around the same level. Its either she's mature, or i'm just a childish 24 year old. We have gone out on many dates-i can see that she really enjoys herself and so do I. How do you tell if a relationship is a rebound?

As for my ex, we have nothing much to talk about when we text, but when we meet for meals or to study together, we are fine together too. Its a little different from when we were together though. There's less to talk about and more barriers.

How do i just leave the fling as it is then. Wont it hurt both of us if we sorta have a thing for one another? Do i just leave it to die and not put in anymore effort? But i really like this girl.

Listen, it's a rebound. Period....reason being you just got out of a relationship! You are barely out of a 3 year relationship and you start hanging out with someone else...you aren't able to process your old relationship and let that go. Therefore it's a rebound. And like you said, it was meant to be a one night stand. Leave it at that. Yes, you may be getting along with this girl and she might be nice, but the timing is SO WRONG! You aren't ready for a relationship. You can't possibly commit to someone else when you are still thinking about your ex and your ex is in the picture.

Also, the 18 year old is right out of a relationship too...you met on tinder and she is giving you mixed singles. How many red flags do you need for you to realize this is not going to end well for you. Walk away now before you have too much invested.

How do i just leave the fling as it is then. Wont it hurt both of us if we sorta have a thing for one another? Do i just leave it to die and not put in anymore effort? But i really like this girl.

You're forgetting that she was into it for a one night stand and she's told you "don't fall in love with me." You would do well to view this more at face value.

She may be disappointed that her free meal ticket and uncommitted sex ride has come to an end but I doubt very much if she'll be anywhere near heart broken. Even if she is, that's not your problem. When she went into this for a one night stand, she should be able to handle the fact that most men won't take her seriously after that. I think you'll care far more then she will if you end it. If that IS the case then perhaps you should just remain single for a while until you can view things with more logic. "Don't fall in love with me" is something no one who was interested in the dynamic of committed and exclusive would ever say to you. They just wouldn't if they liked the comfortableness of a relationship because to men with good personal boundaries in place, that would be a clear signal that this "thing" is just for fun and if she was at all hoping that sex would garner her a boyfriend of the committed kind, she certainly wouldn't jeopardise that with those words.

P.S. I don't think you should go back to your ex either. If you really wanted to, this thread wouldn't exist so don't go back to her just because you're afraid to be alone either. In the meantime, as you contemplate your advice and opinions I think it would be cruel of you to go on giving your ex hope that you are going to reconcile with her. The very least you could do is tell her that you're dating someone that told you not to fall in love with her but unfortunately you are mistaking your lust and infatuation for just that. (you don't have to admit that part to her though... just that you're dating others). I think she deserves to know that if she doesn't already.

She seems mature today, but she will surprise you with her immaturity tomorrow!

She seems mature today, but she will surprise you with her immaturity tomorrow!

I agree. She's 18 years old and hooking up for one night stands on a site that is famous for things like that. Just how emotionally mature is she when that is what matters when it comes to looking after your heart, Op?

But all of that is EXCITING!

My ex got with a girl after he dumped me who burned his house down, who punched him and gave him two black eyes, whom he gets into many more physical fights with, who cheated on him with one of his best friends, he frequently throws her and all her belongings into the front yard of his house, with whom he has screaming fights followed by passionate reunions followed by yet more screaming fights...and he's devoted to her. She's SO exciting and unpredictable! He never knows what the next day will bring and he loves it...just loves it.

This guy is in his 40s, BTW.

OP, if you're really into the drama factor (and you say you may be at the maturity level of an 18 year old), then please don't try to go back to your ex. Don't put her through the wringer when what you really want right now is drama and excitement with a young girl.

You're forgetting that she was into it for a one night stand and she's told you "don't fall in love with me." You would do well to view this more at face value.

 

She may be disappointed that her free meal ticket and uncommitted sex ride has come to an end but I doubt very much if she'll be anywhere near heart broken. Even if she is, that's not your problem. When she went into this for a one night stand, she should be able to handle the fact that most men won't take her seriously after that. I think you'll care far more then she will if you end it. If that IS the case then perhaps you should just remain single for a while until you can view things with more logic. "Don't fall in love with me" is something no one who was interested in the dynamic of committed and exclusive would ever say to you. They just wouldn't if they liked the comfortableness of a relationship because to men with good personal boundaries in place, that would be a clear signal that this "thing" is just for fun and if she was at all hoping that sex would garner her a boyfriend of the committed kind, she certainly wouldn't jeopardise that with those words.

We go Dutch all the time when we go for meals. So there's that. We haven't had sex. There's another point. Lastly, She just told me that she has fallen in love with me.

She tells her friends about me. When I was out having lunch with a female classmate, a friend of the 18 year old girl took a picture of me and sent it to her to ask if I was the guy she has been talking about.

She wants me to meet her parents next month LOL.

Guys, and for my ex, I've gone out with her on dates and stuff, but I can tell that the problems are still there. I can't fix it if she doesn't want to change. And although I loved her in the past, I went through a really bad patch after the break up, I went on a solo trip to gather my thoughts. And I sort of healed.

When we text now I have no urge to reply her. When we meet now, I don't want to stay for too long.

But it's only when I think back on all the good times we shared, and that girl I used to love, do I actually feel the ache.

I'm sorry for being so dramatic or indecisive. But that's how it is for now.

The 18 year old might not have a future with me. But she's a fresh start and I'm sure we will learn things from one another that we won't regret. Plus she just confessed to me. Even if I wanted her out, it'll hurt her so much. It'll be another blow to her. I might have fallen in love with her too.

As for my ex, I think it's the end of the road. She's telling me she wants to get back. But she's not putting in any effort whatsoever. If you guys remember, she's the one who dumped me. I was her first boyfriend and I want her to experience dating other people. When we have both matured then maybe we'll have a chance in the future.

I'll just live in the moment and take it one step at a time. If the 18 year old doesn't work out, well, at least im still in one piece. She may be a phase in life I have to go through. Or she might just be the one. I'll never know till I jump into it feet first.

Decisions Maketh A Man. I shall just go with my gut feeling and be responsible for it.

Exciting New Girl is most probably just "exciting" because she's "new" to you. Add 3 years to that and the exciting new part will be gone and she'll just be "girl".

You are at a different stage in your life than she probably is and I'm guessing you want different things like settling down and having a family. If that's not what you want then by all means take the risky option and have some fun with temporarily-exciting-new girl and if it doesn't work out then no biggie. But if you do want to settle down sometime soon and feel you can get past your ex's time of confusion then I say go for the ex, but find out what was going on in her head at the time.. Maybe go to counselling to understand what triggered the breakup?

Exciting New Girl is most probably just "exciting" because she's "new" to you. Add 3 years to that and the exciting new part will be gone and she'll just be "girl".

 

You are at a different stage in your life than she probably is and I'm guessing you want different things like settling down and having a family. If that's not what you want then by all means take the risky option and have some fun with temporarily-exciting-new girl and if it doesn't work out then no biggie. But if you do want to settle down sometime soon and feel you can get past your ex's time of confusion then I say go for the ex, but find out what was going on in her head at the time.. Maybe go to counselling to understand what triggered the breakup?

Don't I have to take responsibility for making the new girl fall for me? Do I just tell her in the face that I'm going back with my ex, after all the sweet things I've told her in the past?

Update guys, me and the "exciting new girl" havery been together for a year now. We are still working on some relationship problems but that's normal for every couple