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I have no interest in having any form of intimacy with my boyfriend.


Hope369

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Hi, first ever post on here - I'm just in need of some advice on something.

I'm 20 and my boyfriend is 29 - we have been together for almost a year.

Our sex life at the beginning of the relationships started off great... But recently I've developed this complete complacency towards sex - or anything that follows. I cringe when he kisses me, and I get slightly creeped out when he "tries it on". He's a truly lovely man and I don't know where I'd be right now if it wasn't for him. But I've come to realise that there really isn't any kind of attraction is towards him anymore. And our relationship just seems more like one of friends.

Any advice? Thank you x

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Do you find yourself feeling attracted to other men, or are you just not interested in intimacy in general right now? Because there's a big difference. If it's the former, you have yourself a relationship problem. If it's the latter, it's a personal and possibly hormonal problem.

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I call this "The Ick" - that feeling of slight revulsion that slowly develops toward a romantic partner. Any time this has happened to me, it has meant the kiss of death for the relationship. I interpret it as my body's way of telling me that the relationship has run its course and that this is NOT the right partner for me.

 

Your mileage may vary, but that's my experience.

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Attraction is a mystical force handed down to specific people in specific circumstances by God himself. That's why the Greeks had Cupid. It was a representation of the Divine influence present in attraction. There's absolutely nothing a human being can do such as, you know, focusing on valuing another human being for their uniqueness and the positive qualities they bring into your life. That's ridiculous new age stuff. Feelings just come from the Ether and human's don't have to be responsible for the way they feel.....other people are always responsible for the way you feel.

 

What you absolutely don't want to do is spend some time developing self awareness by focusing on who you are, what you value, what you bring to a relationship. Those things are the gateway to being personally responsible for your own feelings instead of pretending they come from outside and that feelings alone dictate moral action. Don't do this. It might make you a better person. Remember, other people are responsible for how you feel. Feelings aren't any kind of clue to look deeper at ourselves, they're just things to hurl as accusations at others.

 

Remember, a vagina is a divining rod for virtue. No woman anywhere ever chased a ahole because he turned her on...how could that happen......only good people turn women on, and conversely anyone who doesn't turn you on isn't any kind of reflection of your mindset or what you value....it's just a signal to let you know that they're actually crappy people.

 

All HAIL the Vagina of Truth!!

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I understand that - the whole "looks aren't important" platitude. Attraction is the initial, instinctive root to romantic interest... In most cases anyway.

But how are we meant to approach ending a relationship with someone, purely because you're not attracted to them. I mean, if he/she is a complete arsehole that would make it easier (for me) because it's a trait that is derived from a choice. They choose to be that way - it's in their constitution. But if it's on a physical basis - it's not something they can help. What are you meant to say - if the truth, then they will walk away feeling gutted and helpless because it's not their fault. It's mine for feeling that way.

But then again, I can't help feeling this way.

I want to be honest but I don't want to hurt him. And I'll only continue to hurt him if I remain dishonest about my feelings.

Talk about an inner conflict haha.

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I did have a "thing for him". I thought I was in love with him. But I feel differently now.

Basically, 6 months ago my Dad went missing for a month - turned out that he committed suicide. My dad was my best friend and my boyfriend was the one who stuck by me throughout it all.

So I haven't really had time to be strong on my own either. It's a big mixture of different circumstances at the moment.

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I did have a "thing for him". I thought I was in love with him. But I feel differently now.

Basically, 6 months ago my Dad went missing for a month - turned out that he committed suicide. My dad was my best friend and my boyfriend was the one who stuck by me throughout it all.

So I haven't really had time to be strong on my own either. It's a big mixture of different circumstances at the moment.

 

Well, I'm very sorry to hear that. I'm thinking now that you are depressed/in mourning and it's no wonder that you have no feelings of sexuality towards your bf at the moment. I'd even go so far as to suggest that its likely you'd not feel anything even if you were with someone new right now and while you're grieving.

 

Its not uncommon to lose sexual desire when we go through such as you have had to endure. It may be a good idea for you to process your father's passing and even get yourself some professional help with that before you leave a perfectly good relationship with a good man that loves you.

 

Do you love him? You talk about sex and the lack of desire with him but is there still love and emotional attachment there?

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Sorry to hear that.

I'm in a simluar situation where I separated from my wife last year, in a legal separation. She moved back in with me in January because we both couldn't move on fianacially until our marriage debt is paid off. We sleep in separate rooms, and I care for her, but have 0 interest in being intimate. I feel like I'm comlpetely celebate because I don't want to/ can't date someone else while we are back to living together under the same roof, and have no interest whatsoever in my ex wife. She wants me to come and cuddle and hug and whatever, but the "ick" is there, apart from the general, I care about your wellbeing and want to see you move ahead and move on feelings. Once the attraction is gone, its gone. At least in my own case.

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For me, when I'm stressed, my libido is the first thing to go.

 

Not saying that's necessarily the case here, but if you think you're still trying to independently recover emotionally, it may be worth conveying your need for space with your boyfriend and see if your feelings change. If you're pretty convinced it's over, though, I wouldn't keep dragging this carcass through the sand.

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You might very well have commitment issues. So relationships run their course and you pull back and get restless and go out there looking for someone new, to get that spark going again.

 

If that's the case you're doomed to relatively short term relationships which never satisfy you.

 

Until and unless you can figure yourself out.

 

I say this because I've been there. Now I'm with someone 4 years and things are good, and that's not typical for me but I've worked through a bunch of issues to get there.

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