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Did my Military Husband Cheat on Me?


carmen21

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Hello again! I have another question I would love to get advice on. So.....my husband was caught texting a coworker. How did I catch him you ask? Well, of course I felt like something was off. Our relationship was already on the rocks before marriage but I married him anyway...dumb i know.. He would always be on his phone and be texting someone. He would go upstairs and say Goodnight and not care to engage in conversation with me at all. So I finally got the courage to ask him if he was texting other women, and he said no, and I told him to look me in the eye and ask me and he said I am not texting another woman and so I said okay. Little time goes by, he is still texting throughout the day and night. So something donged on me to check the phone bill and to look at the number he was texting. So I did and I found out he was texting a female coworker. I also found out that he was texting her in A-school, which is a school they have to go to for training. I asked him and he lied about it, then I told him are you sure, he said yes, and then I said I found out the number you have been texting was a female and i mentioned her name, and he said yeah so what, we have to text other women bc it's part of our job to keep in touch and i didn't tell you because I knew you would get mad. Ugh....yeah don't you think..Comes to find out he was just talking nonsense just to text her. He said they texted about work related stuff. Then why did he delete the text messages in his phone? so this female did help when we first moved here to our duty station. we didn't have a car at first and she offered to help us, well (him) get groceries (they went together) I stayed at home with my daughter. Also, she would drive him to get things done around base, but I just always thought she was a little too friendly. He showed her our new car when we finally bought one a month later. She even came in our house and faked like she had to use the bathroom and brought him some cabbage in a baggy. (I was upstairs faking sleep and I heard her in my house and I wondered why)When I asked him why she said they had a conversation and she was saying that she knew how to cook and she could make him some good cabbage. Cabbage is one of his favorites by the way. He even lied about eating the cabbage, I saw there was a dent in the cabbage. She wanted our daughter and her kids to have play dates as well. yeah right, didn't happen. she even moved 2 houses down from where we stayed bc she got in a huge argument with her husband and they ended up getting separated and she needed to move, but why did she have to move 2 houses down from where we stayed? crazy. I think she asked to move at the nearest house.lol. I really felt like she was trying to make a move on my husband and become the Mrs. This girl and I did go out for coffee once, but we didn't have anything in common. So we never hung out any more. She just would text him all throughout the day everyday and ask him questions and it's like please find someone else to text. My husband and I got in a huge argument and and so I called her and asked her to stop texting him and she said she thought of him as a "brother" and that she wasn't going to stop texting him and I needed to talk to him. So that infuriated me even more. Meanwhile he was sitting on the couch on his phone while I made the call shaking his head, calling me crazy. I called a friend on the phone and she met me outside my house in the car and we talked about the situation. They were still texting while I'm outside. How do I know, I was checking the phone app and it was telling me they were still texting and the times. They acted like nothing was going on. I am looking beyond stupid at this point because she is still texting my husband and he is responding. Like ? Weeks went by and we have another fight and I told him I was leaving him, and he got angry when he saw me looking up divorce papers on my computer. I told him I was leaving him, he said I think that would be the right thing to do bc I can't keep doing this. Then he starts talking my head off about everything I'm doing wrong. He said he stopped texting her and asked her to stop texting him bc I was his wife and begged me to stay and wanted to work out our marriage. WE had a long talk and I decided to stay. Till this day I don't trust him bc he lied to my face, made me look crazy in front of another woman, he was texting her and ANOTHER woman at work (she's married too), (Married women cheat too)....I honestly want to leave....I am still angry and I can't let it go bc if he lied over texting her of course he would lie and say he didn't have sex with her and she was having trouble in her marriage and I called it, bc I told him y isn't she with her husband, he was never around at all. before they had that fight, then I found out they had that fight and I was yep I knew it and she would always be texting him and and it just felt like she was wanting attention from another man my husband. My thing is why couldn't he just be honest with me, and y are you texting her? I dont text other men, he even told me he didn't care if i text other men. What husband would be okay if his wife is texting other men? I also found out that he knew her from bootcamp. I'm like you remember her from bootcamp and she was in your aschool class for 2 months (they were texting the whole time) and then here you are texting her throughout the day at your duty station and she calling you "brother". I'm wondering if I should call her and ask her if she had sex with him or forget it and believe him or just move on. This happened in 2013 and I can't get over it bc now he still wont let me see his phone and said it's privacy and if i want to check to see if he is texting someone to go on the phone app and see( trying to be funny). I wonder if her husband found out she was having an affair or mabye there relationship didn't work out bc they were having other problems? I wish I knew his name bc I would call and ask. So many unanswered questions!!!??? HELP!!! AM I being paranoid for nothing or no? he claims that i know his every move and i do know somewhat now but not when she was in the picture especially when she was taking him back and forth to work. They could have been having sex for all i know. I also found out (when he was in bootcamp, i got his facebook password) that while we were boyfriend/girlfriend he was texting other women and he got mad when my sister was trying to set me up with another guy friend. but here he is being friendly as he calls it. ? giving your number out and saying we can hang out when you have girlfriend? ? For all i know he could have hung out with the girl and i never knew about it. Another one of his "homies" "female" back in the day bought him cologne for his bday and some card that had a naked female in the card and said betcha thought it was me..? im getting angrier and angrier as i write this message....sorry i am all over the place, there's so much more questions i have too much to write...but i feel drained, and i don't want to have to always think who is he texting and is he lying?? im so done with not knowing the truth, i don't want to live my life unhappy................................ i guess i just answered my own question! I believe in marriage, but i don't deal with lying or cheating.

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Okay... please next time you post, write a proper message with paragraphs/line breaks, this was REALLY difficult to read.

 

Moving on. I'm sorry about your husband. I think it's okay for someone to have opposite-gender friends, but it sounds like the relationship with this woman is going WAY to far. If you suspect cheating, chances are it is happening. Trust your gut. It sounds like your husband enjoys lying to you and taking advantage of your kindness/patience. At no time should a woman have to be sidetracked or ignored because their husband is busy talking/texting to another woman as well. I think this other woman is a jerk as well, when you asked her to quit talking to your husband and she just blatantly blows it off. She has no respect or boundaries for your marriage.

 

Honestly, it sounds to me like this has already gone too far. I think you need to leave this man immediately. Take your daughter and head for the hills. You've already drawn the line several times and both of them keep overstepping it. He wants to talk to this woman so much, let him. You don't need his bullcrap any longer.

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Yes, I do think he was cheating on you, even if it was just with an emotional affair. And I say that because why all the lying otherwise?

 

The question is what do you want to do about it? Not him, you. Because you already know his go-to is to deny, deny, deny and get mad then beg you back when you make noises to go. Only to repeat and rinse.

 

I'm sorry, but you have kids and you presumably have property together. And you're married. When it gets to this stage my advice is always go see a divorce attorney without his knowledge, talk out and think about whether you want to get a PI involved and gather evidence, then carry through with what your attorney advises in terms of divorce, making sure you and your kids are protected, etc.

 

OR you can try marriage counseling, but that means he has to go too and actually make an effort. Not just say he will, gonna doesn't cut it in these situations.

 

Personally, I'd have been gone when the female "friend" gave him a birthday card of a naked female and that little comment. Talk about a slap in the face to you. Sorry, but you can get angry all you want, you can yell at him and nag and all it becomes is background noise as he knows you won't leave him. You need to sit down and calmly make a rational plan, and do it sooner rather than later, on what you're going to do.

 

The trust is damaged yes,but what is he doing--not saying, but really doing--to prove things are different? If it's nothing then proceed with quietly sussing out your options to get free. If he is making a real effort--I.e. coming home, second honeymoon type stuff, open with his electronics, marriage counseling then great. Do that. But don't accept his promises to do that, he needs to really make an effort.

 

P.S. You can believe in marriage all you want, but your partner has to too or what's the point? Just something to think about as well.

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Sorry; do you think i should call the woman and ask her if they had sex or should i just leave and trust my gut bc he probably won't tell me the truth anyway?

 

Okay... please next time you post, write a proper message with paragraphs/line breaks, this was REALLY difficult to read.

 

Moving on. I'm sorry about your husband. I think it's okay for someone to have opposite-gender friends, but it sounds like the relationship with this woman is going WAY to far. If you suspect cheating, chances are it is happening. Trust your gut. It sounds like your husband enjoys lying to you and taking advantage of your kindness/patience. At no time should a woman have to be sidetracked or ignored because their husband is busy talking/texting to another woman as well. I think this other woman is a jerk as well, when you asked her to quit talking to your husband and she just blatantly blows it off. She has no respect or boundaries for your marriage.

 

Honestly, it sounds to me like this has already gone too far. I think you need to leave this man immediately. Take your daughter and head for the hills. You've already drawn the line several times and both of them keep overstepping it. He wants to talk to this woman so much, let him. You don't need his bullcrap any longer.

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Thank you for the reply. He also stated that if i leave and try to get half of his money, it's going to be in blood. And i said so are you threatening to kill me and he said it's going to be in blood and kept repeating it. What person says things like that? I don't care how MAD you get!!! He also has never given me anything for our anniversary(for 3 years). We don't go on dates. He doesn't wear his wedding ring. His excuse is we don't have money and when we do get paid he never makes it up. He did get me something on Valentine's Day, Mother's Day and my bday, but not for our anniversary which is really suspicious. And as far as his wedding ring goes he doesnt wear it bc, yes it is too big, and it easily falls off his finger, but we have had PLENTY of money and he has NEVER went and said oh i want to get another one, he said it was my job to get him one. What do you think? He never asks me to get him a ring for his finger, he's okay with not wearing one apparently. And when I said I was going to leave him he said he is going to leave the country and find another woman. I said why would you leave the country and you have a daughter, he said that he will let me and my family raise her on my own. I just don't get what type of father would say that about his daughter.

 

There was also another instance when my older sister came to stay with us for the week when we were boyfriend/girlfriend and they were both ganging up on me saying how bad of a person I am and was to them. Who says that? My sister was saying how I was mean to her when I was younger and then my husband (boyfriend at the time) said I wasn't nice to him either. They kept going back and forth saying you are so mean, you are so mean. I was pregnant and going to work the whole week. She left that weekend and as I was doing laundry I found some panties that wasn't mine and of course I got angry and asked him whose panties these were and he said idk, they are probably your sisters. I was like oh yeah probably so i called her and asked if she left her panties and she said oh yeah i probably did. i described them and she was like yeah i probably did. but y would her panties be in my clothes? I get that it could have been an accident and she left them behind. There was another incident when i found a scarf in my car(Female owned) and i asked him whose scarf this was in my car and he said it was his (male friends) and said he always wearing gay scarves. He laughs when i always confront him with anything about cheating. He always smurks and it's so annoying.

 

He also added his ex gf on facebook and when i asked y he said he doesn't hold grudges and said he didn't hate her. he did delete her when i told him to, but still it's too many incidents....

 

Wow, I am sounding crazy after I just read this!!! Like I'm the dumb one right?? Wow!

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