I need some advice after difficult break up

Hi,

I've just signed up to this site after reading some other stories and am looking for some advise and support. I'll try to keep it as short as possible however I want to give you guys as much information as I can so that you have a better idea of the whole situation so it may end up being on the longer side. If you do read through it all and offer your thoughts then I just want to say now that I appreciate you taking time out to do so. Thank you.

So, I'm in love with a woman, I've known her 8 years now and have always felt something for her, was always the wrong time or lost contact here and there but never stopped thinking about her ever. Then a couple of years back we ended up meeting up through mutual friends by complete accident. I couldn't believe my luck but I played it cool at the time. After that night she got in touch via Facebook and we started talking, we fell completely in love and for once the timing was perfect. I couldn't of been happier and she felt exactly the same at the time I am sure. Our relationship moved very quickly but also felt very natural. I think that because we had known each other so long and had always wanted this that we just went for it at 100 miles per hour. Within a month or two we had our own place together, our first home and everything was absolutely perfect, then the following month we found out she was pregnant. It wasn't planned and she believed she couldn't have children and so we were both extremely happy to be starting a family despite being fairly young (we're both 23 right now btw).

The next few months went by fairly smoothly, although I noticed that there were a few little things that were irritating her, I work very hard and was staying at the office late and when I did finally finish I would quite often go for a drink with the guys from work. I didn't realise at the time that this may of been making her unhappy or feel unwanted and that was never my intentions. Other than that things were great, she was everything I ever wanted and more.

It got closer to her due date and we moved house again, essentially to be closer to my place of work and all of our family as they all lived around a similar area. Again things were pretty good despite what has been previously mention. Then came the baby and this is where it begins to spiral downwards. I wasn't there enough essentially. I thought I was prepared, I mean I had 9 months to get used to the idea but when it happens it's weird and I just freaked out. I've suffered from anxiety, OCD & depression most of my life and although I believe that I am very good at coping with it when I get stressed it can really flare up and I become avoidant and bury my head in the sand. We had our beautiful baby girl and I can honestly say in that moment I felt complete, I had a family, a gorgeous little girl and a beautiful girlfriend that I fully intended on marrying one day.

2 weeks after our daughter was born I was asked to return to work (this was two weeks earlier than we had planned as I had 2 weeks paternity leave (which I took) and then 2 weeks annual leave booked straight after), I let go of the holiday and went back to work. Not because I didn't want to be with my family at all but because in the time I had been away from the company we had lost 6 clients and because my boss has always been very good to me and helped me out a lot and also because of the position I am in I felt that I owed it to the company to go back and try to help with the mess it was in. She didn't understand this and felt that I just didn't want to be with them.

After this it progressively got worse and our relationship started to break down in front of me. I wasn't waking up early enough for her (I am an extremely heavy sleeper), I was spending too much time at work or out of the house and I was drinking a lot and coming back in the early hours occasionally. The more she nagged at me about these things and the more she got angry the more I didn't want to go home and began avoiding the situation and as you can imagine it became a very vicious cycle. I deeply regret doing all of this and should of been there when my girls needed me the most and I wish I could go back in time and do it all again because I would do things very differently. I do now understand how she must of felt when this was all going on, it must of been very hurtful and lonely and I genuinely never meant to hurt her. I just wasn't thinking, I suddenly had so much responsibility and I felt that she was on my case about everything.

Eventually it got to a point where she must of been very unhappy and I found messages to two other guys on two separate occasions and it broke me, they weren't over the top or sexually explicit or anything like that but they were way more than I was comfortable with. She'd even said that she was a single mum to one of them and that wasn't the case, we were together at this point and there had been no mentions of breaking up at all. She did apologise and I do believe she was sorry but as you can imagine this made things worse, I started drinking more, became quite bitter and would get annoyed at the smallest of things. At this point I my trust for her just vanished, I started finding myself checking her phone etc which had never been like me before this. It was never something I would even consider doing!

Then came the fateful day, after a really rubbish few months, I came home from work and her and my baby girl were gone, the house was empty and it destroyed me. It didn't actually sink in for at least a week. I think I was initially angry until it started to set in what had happened. I went and stayed with my nan for a little while just to get my head around everything. I couldn't understand why she had to leave in such a way. All I got was a text just before I finished work that said "I'm gone, I can't so this anymore" and I actually thought she was winding me up so I didn't think anything of it but I was so wrong.

I knew where she had gone because on my way to my nan's when I was going to stay there I saw her car outside some new flats in our area which I were aware of, which gave me a little peace of mind knowing where my daughter was. I decided not to contact her straight away mainly because I didn't want to go in emotional and hot headed. I left it for a week and then spoke to her, she agreed to have a few days out so I could see my daughter and we decided to try again I guess, we slept together and I started staying at her flat occasionally.

We continued to bicker about little things and eventually we stopped talking (I can't remember exactly why which means it must of been something silly). She then slept with her ex boyfriend from years back on 3/4 occasions, she initially denied it when I found out and confronted her but then she said she had and broke down crying saying that she felt disgusted with herself because it isn't like her (I agree, I don't think it is like her or at least I never would of thought it was something she would do before). She told me she wanted me and that our future was together. We agreed to try and make things work.

The next couple of months we spent nights together but only had sex once or twice, she said I was being too full on (I think I did expect too much too soon and just wanted it to be how it was when we met) and I felt that she didn't love me and wasn't trying enough. It all came to a head a few weeks ago where she called it off for good.

Since then I have begged, I have cried, I have died a little more every single day and I don't know what to do anymore. When she ended it for good we had quite an emotional talk and for the first time I realised how much my actions had hurt her and how unwanted I had made her feel. I definitely wasn't a good dad or boyfriend but now that I've seen it I really am working hard to change things. I've stopped drinking completely (almost 3 weeks now) which was one of the big problems as I can be very unreasonable when I drink.

She has progressively got nastier and nastier and now she says that she doesn't love me or care for me or want to speak to me unless its about our daughter but she also won't let me be a dad as she won't let me see my daughter without her being present (I genuinely don't know why) and she's been planning on moving again and I don't think she was going to tell me (I found out because I'm looking for a place and I did a search today to find that her flat was being advertised...).

I truly don't know what to do guys, I've tried to hate her for being nasty to me but I can't I love this woman with everything I have and all I want is for us to be a family. I genuinely don't know if I can let go of this. I really need some help. Do you think it's possible to get her back if I can show her that I am working on myself to be a better person, father and boyfriend? I will never ever let either of them down again and this just sucks.

I know she's done things wrong as well and I do believe we both contributed to the break up and arguments and she definitely shouldn't of gotten away with talking to those guys as easily as she did and I probably shouldn't of so easily given her a chance after I found out about her sleeping with someone else but I was terrified and I didn't want to lose her.

I just want to be a family again. What is my best chance of reigniting the spark and attraction? I believe that if I can do this that she may be open to fall in love with me again.

I sometimes feel like I need to just walk away but how do you walk away when it involves a child. I want the world for that little girl and I will always try to be a good dad but I want the whole family unit. This is a woman that I have loved since I was 15! I don't want to let this go.

I've become so helpless and it isn't like me but I don't know what else to do when I feel like this.

Sorry for the length of this but support and advise is really appreciated. You can probably tell that I got emotional towards the end of typing this so please excuse it suddenly descending into desperation.

Wow. .What a sad story.

I am sorry but you actively admit that you neglected your wife and family.

After a long period of time being home alone with you not coming home after work and drinking routinely, you can't be that surprised she found attention else where.

she definitely shouldn't of gotten away with talking to those guys as easily From what you describe, it doesn't sound like it came that easily. It came after a long time of neglect. You also mentioned you were aware that she referred to herself as a single parent. I can only guess that accurately describes how she must have felt at the time.

When you tried to reconcile you were upset that things didn't go back to the way the were in the beginning.

But you see, she lost faith in you and the marriage and based on her experience had no reason to trust things would be different.

You should have used that time to prove to her things could change and had the patience to let her learn to trust that it could be so.

Instead you got upset that you didn't get your instant family back and things didn't magically go back to what it was like when you first met.

It just doesn't work that way.

I get you felt dedicated to your job and inclined to return early but given the patterns already established it might have been more important for you to have

had that same dedication to your family and put them first.

I am sorry but you two rushed in too fast. .You aren't either prepared or mature enough to take on a family.

I don't know if she'll see it any differently at this point. This is all she has to compare it to.

Your chance to make things right may have passed.

All you can do now is be the best father to that little girl and continue to work on yourself.

Maybe at some point she may see the difference but it sounds a little too late from what you describe.

I wish I had something better to tell you.

Wow. .What a sad story.

I am sorry but you actively admit that you neglected your wife and family.

 

After a long period of time being home alone with you not coming home after work and drinking routinely, you can't be that surprised she found attention else where.

When you tried to reconcile you were upset that things didn't go back to the way the were in the beginning.

 

But you see, she lost faith in you and the marriage and based on her experience had no reason to trust things would be different.

You should have used that time to prove to her things could change and had the patience to let her learn to trust that it could be so.

Instead you got upset that you didn't get your instant family back and things didn't magically go back to what it was like when you first met.

It just doesn't work that way.

 

I get you felt dedicated to your job and inclined to return early but given the patterns already established it might have been more important for you to have

had that same dedication to your family and put them first.

 

I am sorry but you two rushed in too fast. .You aren't either prepared or mature enough to take on a family.

I don't know if she'll see it any differently at this point. This is all she has to compare it to.

Your chance to make things may have passed.

 

All you can do now is be the best father to that little girl and continue to work on yourself.

Maybe at some point she may see the difference but it sounds a little too late from what you describe.

I wish I had something better to tell you.

Thank you for your honesty. I have admitted my faults and I am working on them and fully intend to continue to work on them with or without her because I have to do this for myself as well.

I assure you that I will be the best dad I can be to my girl and if she does come back, I absolutely swear that I will never allow myself to get sidetracked again.

I do very much appreciate your response. I understand it may be over for good but I don't think I could ever forgive myself if I just gave up, however I do understand now that begging and promising is not the way to go about it. I need to show her that I am going to do things differently from now on and see if she can find it in her heart to give things another go.

Wish me luck

Thank you for your honesty. I have admitted my faults and I am working on them and fully intend to continue to work on them with or without her because I have to do this for myself as well.

 

I assure you that I will be the best dad I can be to my girl and if she does come back, I absolutely swear that I will never allow myself to get sidetracked again.

 

I do very much appreciate your response. I understand it may be over for good but I don't think I could ever forgive myself if I just gave up, however I do understand now that begging and promising is not the way to go about it. I need to show her that I am going to do things differently from now on and see if she can find it in her heart to give things another go.

 

Wish me luck

I do wish you luck.

It sounds like your intentions are in the right place.

You mentioned, OCD, anxiety and depression.

Have you considered therapy. That's an awful lot to deal with on your own.

Some support would be really helpful for you considering everything.

I do wish you luck.

It sounds like your intentions are in the right place.

You mentioned, OCD, anxiety and depression.

Have you considered therapy. That's an awful lot to deal with on your own.

Some support would be really helpful for you considering everything.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

I've had therapy before, when I was first diagnosed and I do feel that it helped. Since then it only gets really bad when something stressful or emotional happens and only very very rarely happens randomly but to answer your question, I have thought about giving therapy another go quite a lot over the last few days so I think rather that put it off any longer I'll contact my doctor tomorrow and see what my options are. I think I quite often deny / hide that there is anything. My ex never even knew the exactly how bad I had it when I was at my worse or how much it affects me, I don't know why, I guess I find it hard to open up about it and admit that I do have weaknesses I guess.

I will seek help as I feel it is important and something I need to do.

I feel better just posting that on here, which is weird and amazing at the same time.

Do you think the fact that you weren't married made her question your commitment?

Thank you. I appreciate that.

I've had therapy before, when I was first diagnosed and I do feel that it helped. Since then it only gets really bad when something stressful or emotional happens and only very very rarely happens randomly but to answer your question, I have thought about giving therapy another go quite a lot over the last few days so I think rather that put it off any longer I'll contact my doctor tomorrow and see what my options are. I think I quite often deny / hide that there is anything. My ex never even knew the exactly how bad I had it when I was at my worse or how much it affects me, I don't know why, I guess I find it hard to open up about it and admit that I do have weaknesses I guess.

 

I will seek help as I feel it is important and something I need to do.

 

I feel better just posting that on here, which is weird and amazing at the same time.

Apologies for the terrible grammar. It's late and I'm not sleeping well lately, a bit all over the place.

Do you think the fact that you weren't married made her question your commitment?

She often said she wanted to get married and although I did want to marry her, and I did tell her this, I put it off. Partly because I felt like we had all the time in the world and money was tight with the new arrival. I wanted to do it all properly and ask her fathers permission etc and I just couldn't afford a ring at the time. I see now that these issues probably weren't as big as I made them out to be in my head, it's just that when I thought about it, in my imagination it had to be perfect. Obviously, I wish that I had done it now and I would marry her tomorrow if I could.

, I don't know why, I guess I find it hard to open up about it and admit that I do have weaknesses I guess.

 

.

Interesting you say that because you don't seem to have any problems opening up and admitting you have faults here.

(that's a compliment bytheway, not a dig)

She often said she wanted to get married and although I did want to marry her, and I did tell her this, I put it off. Partly because I felt like we had all the time in the world and money was tight with the new arrival. I wanted to do it all properly and ask her fathers permission etc and I just couldn't afford a ring at the time. I see now that these issues probably weren't as big as I made them out to be in my head, it's just that when I thought about it, in my imagination it had to be perfect. Obviously, I wish that I had done it now and I would marry her tomorrow if I could.

It wasn't one thing, it was an accumulation of things that was the demise.

I can see how she didn't feel valued.

I am sorry, but I don't blame her.

She often said she wanted to get married and although I did want to marry her, and I did tell her this, I put it off. Partly because I felt like we had all the time in the world and money was tight with the new arrival. I wanted to do it all properly and ask her fathers permission etc and I just couldn't afford a ring at the time. I see now that these issues probably weren't as big as I made them out to be in my head, it's just that when I thought about it, in my imagination it had to be perfect. Obviously, I wish that I had done it now and I would marry her tomorrow if I could.

You didn't ask his permission to impregnate her, so asking his permission to marry his daughter after she has made him a grandfather seems superfluous.

They all sound like weak excuses and that fact that she describes herself as a single mom says it all.

Interesting you say that because you don't seem to have any problems opening up and admitting you have faults here.

(that's a compliment bytheway, not a dig)

I've think my issue is about opening up with people I know and they can see it in me when I'm talking about it, it hurts to discuss it sometimes. I feel like it's easier here because no one knows me if that makes any sense?

It wasn't one thing, it was an accumulation of things that was the demise.

I can see how she didn't feel valued.

I am sorry, but I don't blame her.

I understand that. I don't blame her either, that's what hurts the most. I have definitely learnt a lot from this experience. I'm going to use it to grow as a person and I honestly hope for the best but I do believe I am prepared for the worst. I will obviously have to speak to her, at least until our daughter is older and therefore I will treat her with love and respect even if she doesn't want to be with me. After all she's the mother of my child and I have a lot of respect and admiration for her. I am also extremely grateful for everything she has done for me and our daughter and she is a fantastic mother.

You didn't ask his permission to impregnate her, so asking his permission to marry his daughter after she has made him a grandfather seems superfluous.

 

They all sound like weak excuses and that fact that she describes herself as a single mom says it all.

I felt that it was the right thing at the time. I should of gone for it and I am in no way trying to excuse myself. I was wrong, very wrong.

You're right, looking back they were excuses they sound ridiculous now but at the time it was how I felt and I thought I was doing the right thing. I did want to marry her, there was never any doubt about that I guess I just put it off when I should of gone for it and realised at the time.

I'm not here looking for sympathy. Whether or not we can work it out I want to come out of this a better and more mature person and I want to ensure I never make anyone feel like this again. I am not a bad person but I have made mistakes, I take full responsibility for the things I got wrong.

Thank you for the response though, I appreciate your input.

Duxe...your wife and child moved out and you didn't contact her for over a week. I think you are so laid back you are almost asleep at the wheel.

I would consider therapy to change your .indset to a more proactive approach to life

Duxe...your wife and child moved out and you didn't contact her for over a week. I think you are so laid back you are almost asleep at the wheel.

 

I would consider therapy to change your .indset to a more proactive approach to life

I tried to call her initially, a couple of times. She ignored them and I didn't know where my head was at, it definitely doesn't mean I didn't care though. I have definitely taken on board what you have said though and will seriously look into therapy. I'm willing to try anything at this point to make improvements within myself. No more burying my head in the sand when things get tough.

It appears you were so wrapped up in how things affect YOU that you forgot they affect your ex-girlfriend and your child too.

That comes with maturity. We realize as we mature that it isn't all about us. Particularly when we are parents. We are no longer Number One...the child is first and then the relationship, not deciding to go for drinks with the boys because we had a stressful day at work and leaving the mother and child at home until the early morning.

Maybe in the future, when she sees REAL changes in you, not just words, she might reconsider. If not, this is a learning experience...when you're a father or in a relationship, sometimes you have to put your wants aside for the greater good.

It appears you were so wrapped up in how things affect YOU that you forgot they affect your ex-girlfriend and your child too.

 

That comes with maturity. We realize as we mature that it isn't all about us. Particularly when we are parents. We are no longer Number One...the child is first and then the relationship, not deciding to go for drinks with the boys because we had a stressful day at work and leaving the mother and child at home until the early morning.

 

Maybe in the future, when she sees REAL changes in you, not just words, she might reconsider. If not, this is a learning experience...when you're a father or in a relationship, sometimes you have to put your wants aside for the greater good.

I agree with you completely. At the time I didn't see it and it was extremely immature and stupid of me. Losing them really gave me a kick up the backside and made me realise how much more important they both are to me than anything else in the world. It shouldn't of taken losing them for me to realise this and I am ashamed to have to admit it. I am deeply sorry for any pain I caused them during this time and will live with that forever. I am bettering myself everyday and it is something I truly wish to do so I will continue on this journey and hope that one day, whether or not she comes back that I will at least be able to show her that I noticed how I had affected them and did something about it. I will however ensure that whether it is with her or in another future relationship that I do not make the same mistakes.

Thank you for the reply.

What is it that you are doing to better yourself everyday?

I agree with you completely. At the time I didn't see it and it was extremely immature and stupid of me. Losing them really gave me a kick up the backside and made me realise how much more important they both are to me than anything else in the world. It shouldn't of taken losing them for me to realise this and I am ashamed to have to admit it. I am deeply sorry for any pain I caused them during this time and will live with that forever. I am bettering myself everyday and it is something I truly wish to do so I will continue on this journey and hope that one day, whether or not she comes back that I will at least be able to show her that I noticed how I had affected them and did something about it. I will however ensure that whether it is with her or in another future relationship that I do not make the same mistakes.

 

Thank you for the reply.

I really hope you are sincere.

I can tell you that I am divorced because my ex-husband insisted on working 12-14 hours a day, 7 days a week, AND on holidays including Christmas...not because he was required to, but because he had some deep-seated fear of losing his job if he didn't spend that many hours there. He cared not one bit how this affected me or our kids...in fact, he insisted he was doing it FOR US, even though he didn't get paid a penny of overtime.

He was warned by family members that if he kept it up, he'd lose his family. He paid no heed to these warnings and continued on. Even after I divorced him he continued, leaving the kids with his mother on "his" weekends because he insisted on working weekends.

So, he learned nothing. Not a thing. He's not been in any relationships since our divorce 18 years ago, probably because he doesn't have the time due to his obsession with his job.

Don't be him.

PS: I read somewhere that you never hear of a man lying on his deathbed saying "You know, I really should have spent more time at work."

I really hope you are sincere.

 

I can tell you that I am divorced because my ex-husband insisted on working 12-14 hours a day, 7 days a week, AND on holidays including Christmas...not because he was required to, but because he had some deep-seated fear of losing his job if he didn't spend that many hours there. He cared not one bit how this affected me or our kids...in fact, he insisted he was doing it FOR US, even though he didn't get paid a penny of overtime.

 

He was warned by family members that if he kept it up, he'd lose his family. He paid no heed to these warnings and continued on. Even after I divorced him he continued, leaving the kids with his mother on "his" weekends because he insisted on working weekends.

 

So, he learned nothing. Not a thing. He's not been in any relationships since our divorce 18 years ago, probably because he doesn't have the time due to his obsession with his job.

 

Don't be him.

 

PS: I read somewhere that you never hear of a man lying on his deathbed saying "You know, I really should have spent more time at work."

I truly mean it, I want to do better, for myself, for my daughter, for the mother of my child and any other future relationship I may have.

Reading that really hurt me. I'll be honest. It sounded like me. I used to argue that I was "putting a roof over our heads and food on the table" I also don't get paid overtime etc. It really hurt to hear it from someone else that has been affected by this sort of thing.

I will tell you this though, I mean every word about changing things and I have stopped working late and I have seen my daughter on every weekend and every Tuesday/Wednesday evening every week without fail. In fact, I would have to drop down dead before I let her down again. I meant it when I swore to myself I would never let them down again. I'd rather be present and show that beautiful little girl that I love her than be absent and tell her that I love her and expect her to believe me.

I'm glad to read that. I hope you always feel that way.

My kids love their dad, no doubt about it...but they're CLOSE to me. We have a warm, loving and supportive relationship. They confide in me, share things with me and confess things to me because they know while I may not agree with some of their choices, my love for them will never end. Their dad doesn't even know what they're up to half the time. He writes the checks, which they (and I) appreciate, but when it comes to them needing loving support they come to me every time.

I just think it's sad that when my ex is an old man, he's going to realize how much he missed out on, time that can never be brought back.

Please don't ever forget this. Your child won't remember what you bought her for her birthday every year, but she'll remember you teaching her to ride a bike or taking her fishing or watching her favorite DVD with her while eating popcorn. I promise.

What is it that you are doing to better yourself everyday?

So far, I've stopped drinking (completely), I've started working out, I've started reading different "self help" books about loads of different things just to get different perspectives on things, I also really enjoy learning about different ideas and theories and reading also helps me to relax a lot, I've been reinforcing a more positive mindset daily, I've been spending as much time with my daughter as possible (whenever her mum says I can see her or asks if I would like to see her), I've made a personal little goal to do something every day that positively affects someone no matter how big or small the gesture may be, I've started saving for both my own and my daughters future (I was always spending money on ridiculous material items that I didn't need and I realise now that I'd rather keep it for the important times than be broke when they come around) and I am conciously becoming more aware of my own actions and how they may or may not affect someone else and how they feel. I still have a long way to go, I know that but in general I'm trying to remain positive, try new things and be kinder and more aware of others thoughts and feelings.

I'm glad to read that. I hope you always feel that way.

 

My kids love their dad, no doubt about it...but they're CLOSE to me. We have a warm, loving and supportive relationship. They confide in me, share things with me and confess things to me because they know while I may not agree with some of their choices, my love for them will never end. Their dad doesn't even know what they're up to half the time. He writes the checks, which they (and I) appreciate, but when it comes to them needing loving support they come to me every time.

 

I just think it's sad that when my ex is an old man, he's going to realize how much he missed out on, time that can never be brought back.

 

Please don't ever forget this. Your child won't remember what you bought her for her birthday every year, but she'll remember you teaching her to ride a bike or taking her fishing or watching her favorite DVD with her while eating popcorn. I promise.

I promise you, that I will never forget this. I had separated parents and what you just described, is how I felt a lot of the time growing up and in some ways still do. I don't want my daughter feel how I did at times. I want to be there for the milestones and I will support her in whatever she wants to do with her life, whether or not I agree I will be there, I will be present and I will love her unconditionally forever. I want to be the person she looks to for support, I want to be the person that picks her up when she's down and the person she can rely on no matter what.

The relationship is over. It's going to take some time for you to process and believe that. Even if you two get back together it's not going to be for a while - long after you have gone through a lot of pain and grieving.

My feeling is that your personality is just not what she wants long-term. The passiveness, the burying your head in the sand - I hope you work on that from the perspective of being a dad. But the chance to be a bf or a husband is over.

And, yes, I do have to say it never surprises me when their forever "girlfriend" (who wanted to be a wife) walks away.