Crisis-driven early cohabitation & money

LONG story, I'll start in the present and fill in the gaps if people want to know. My girlfriend moved in with me at the beginning of December, we only met in September. I know it was too early, that's not my focus.

She is in a tough position because she doesn't have the funds to get her own place which she would prefer, despite working two jobs. She is no slacker. Living together has put substantial stress on our relationship to say the least, and if we weren't living together I think we would have taken a step back in our dating.

My focus in this post is money. She buys at least half the groceries and sometimes makes a small contribution towards bills - less than $50 a month. On the one hand I was already paying my house bills on my own and besides some extra water and electricity it's not really costing me anymore, but on principle it bothers me. On the flip side, the more she pays towards house expenses the longer its going to take for her to get her own place too, which I am eager for her to do as well. I haven't communicated it like that, because I don't want to make her feel unwelcome in the only place she has to stay right now, not to mention I don't want to make my life awkward or worse in the meantime.

Besides this I'm concerned we have very different outlooks on money. She is no gold digger and doesn't expect the man to take care of everything, though I would like to be able to do that if I were in a longer and more committed relationship. That may sound bad because we're living together, and we are totally exclusive and faithful, but at the same time neither of us is ready to talk about marriage or anything - we are both young and divorced.

The point is that she grew up much higher on the social ladder than I did, and expects a lot of things that frankly you don't deserve until you've earned them and get them later in life. Nice vacations, driving a new car every couple years (STUPID!) etc. Those things are fine if you want to stay in debt and broke your whole life, or if you make a whole lot more money than either of us do.

So while I'm watching Dave Ramsey videos and thinking about making sacrifices to pound away at my debt, she's thinking that having a new car and a nice apartment with a big TV and fancy furniture is going to make her happy. Don't get me wrong, I would love all of those things, but not if they come at the cost of being a slave to the banks.

I'm ready to take my own affairs into my own hands, work as much as possible to get my house in order, knowing that it may upset her both because I have less time for her and because I will be spending less money on her.

By the way none of this is to make her sound like a bad person, but the whole situation is so pressurized because of us living together too soon. If we weren't living together I'd just be focused on my own thing and not worrying so much about how it affects her. I probably don't need to be, but I am anxious to approach her with a direct conversation about all this, because it forces us to get real about where we are in our relationship and what our expectations are, and I'm frankly scared to have that conversation.

Well, you're not her keeper so if it's not working out, breakup. Usually relationships don't go in reverse. You don't go from living together to living in separate residences and have the relationship survive. I'd say that this has run it's course and it's time to extricate yourself. It will be messy but breakups usually are.

Well, you're not her keeper so if it's not working out, breakup. Usually relationships don't go in reverse. You don't go from living together to living in separate residences and have the relationship survive. I'd say that this has run it's course and it's time to extricate yourself. It will be messy but breakups usually are.

I do appreciate the reply, but I should clarify. Neither of us is looking to get married now or anytime soon. That doesn't necessarily mean we are not ever interested in getting married, and definitely doesn't mean we're never interested in getting married to each other.

As far as the reverse thing, I get what you're saying. At the same time I'm not going to make a huge decision based on what supposedly usually happens to other people.

More to the point, I'm really not asking about whether I should stay in the relationship or not. I am clear that at least for the time being, I'm staying put. More asking for a perspectives or alternatives within the current situation.

I think you should review your "rescuer" habits. I don't know what your past relationships were like, but there is no "crisis" here. Crisis is her apartment burned down last night and you are having her stay until she gets her insurance money or can figure out a new situation. Crisis is not the fact that she can't afford her own place. She lived somewhere before she met with you - if it has to be with a roommate or family until she can afford her own place - than so be it. And its up to her to get the right training to get a job where she can afford her own place if that's her goal. And 'one's own place' sometimes isn't that important - having a roommate is fine, too - being dependent on a guy you just met is not.

I get that you aren't looking to marry anytime soon. But you said if you weren't living together you'd have taken a step back in dating. That rarely works.

As far as finances go, you have two very different views on them. The only thing to do, no matter how uncomfortable it may be, is sit down and try and hash out an arrangement that works for both of you. There really is no way around it. If you can't, you have some unpleasant decisions to make.

I'm sorry buddy, I do have to agree that there was no crisis situation - as she managed to survive before you. And you moved in together before really getting to know each other.

The relevance here is that while you are TALKING about being prudent, you aren't living that way. It's contradictory. So, I would suggest going to her and owning your part. Say that you have been a bit irresponsible with the whole situation, but now you are trying to live a more frugal and prudent lifestyle. And lay out specifically what that would mean (e.g. no new cars every few years, cutting back on TV, etc etc.) If you write it all out, that's even better so she can see you are serious and you have a real sense of how much you would be saving.

If you are looking for her to contribute more, ask her for that. If you are looking for her to save enough so she can leave, ask her for that. If you are looking for her to have a more frugal outlook, be very careful because this is something that would require her to internally change.

I'm sorry buddy, I do have to agree that there was no crisis situation - as she managed to survive before you. And you moved in together before really getting to know each other.

 

The relevance here is that while you are TALKING about being prudent, you aren't living that way. It's contradictory. So, I would suggest going to her and owning your part. Say that you have been a bit irresponsible with the whole situation, but now you are trying to live a more frugal and prudent lifestyle. And lay out specifically what that would mean (e.g. no new cars every few years, cutting back on TV, etc etc.) If you write it all out, that's even better so she can see you are serious and you have a real sense of how much you would be saving.

 

If you are looking for her to contribute more, ask her for that. If you are looking for her to save enough so she can leave, ask her for that. If you are looking for her to have a more frugal outlook, be very careful because this is something that would require her to internally change.

Again I appreciate the reply, but I wish you and the previous replyer would read more carefully. I did not describe the crisis situation, believe me there was one but it's not relevant and took place before we moved in together.

As far as her habits, beyond the fact that she is living with me it's really none of my business at this point because we are operating more as an exclusive dating couple than as a unit.

Buddy, what do you want us to tell you? You ****ed up and invited a woman to stay with you after two months of knowing her. You either suck it up and talk to her about an exit strategy or you don't.

Buddy, what do you want us to tell you? You ****ed up and invited a woman to stay with you after two months of knowing her. You either suck it up and talk to her about an exit strategy or you don't.

Yikes. I suppose this is why internet dating advice gets such a bad rap.

Yikes. I suppose this is why internet dating advice gets such a bad rap.

What do you think your choices are?

You can ask that she contribte more than $50 bucks a month..more like $500

Or...you can suck it up.

Or you can break up and she can find somewhere else to live.

There isn't a magical solution. I would bet good money that she has nothing in savings...but she does have a new pair of $400 boots.

Again I appreciate the reply, but I wish you and the previous replyer would read more carefully. I did not describe the crisis situation, believe me there was one but it's not relevant and took place before we moved in together.

You said it was a crisis-driven situation in the title.

As far as her habits, beyond the fact that she is living with me it's really none of my business at this point because we are operating more as an exclusive dating couple than as a unit.

The issue here is that you are not being clear about what exactly you want from her. More money? More frugality? To move out? Whatever it is, you need to ask her for it.

An option is to split expenses: Have her pay half of rent and bills and food. It doesn't matter that she doesn't cost you much money-wise by living there, she is impacting your living situation and your plans for the future.

Several things could happen as a result:

Maybe she learns to budget better and cut back, live frugally

Maybe she decides it is not worth it and moves out, with or without the help of her family

Maybe you choose to put the "extra" above what she is paying now aside with the option of it helping her move to her own place. A timeframe might help with this. If she finds a place within a year (or 6 mos, or 9 mos, or whatever you decide up front) the extra goes back to her. If a year (or 6, 9, or ? months) passes, she moves out but the extra goes to you, and you two probably decide you are incompatible financially and go your separate ways.

You two are going through a compatibility test. If things don't change in a year, would this be a deal-breaker for you?

Yikes. I suppose this is why internet dating advice gets such a bad rap.

People are not being unkind. They simply just don't agree with you. Sometimes seeing things from the outside "on paper", so to speak, gives renewed perspective. You have to admit you knew next to nothing about this girl and now its coming back to bite you.

Again I appreciate the reply, but I wish you and the previous replyer would read more carefully. I did not describe the crisis situation, believe me there was one but it's not relevant and took place before we moved in together.

 

 

 

 

As far as her habits, beyond the fact that she is living with me it's really none of my business at this point because we are operating more as an exclusive dating couple than as a unit.

You said "crisis" in the title. Not affording your own place isn't a crisis, its a life stage. And if she has a new pair of $400 boots, then she clearly does not have her own place because her priorities are confused.

I suggest that you either take a step back in the relationship and live separately, or make her responsible for a specific bill that is not critical, like cable. It goes in her name and if she doesn't pay it, it gets shut off.

Also, if you are operating as exclusively dating and not as "living together" - then you would have to treat her like a roommate financially and she is not holding up her end. You cannot have it both ways. You have to either split the bills like roommates would, or you have to decide that is your place and you are having a live in girlfriend and therefore you have to make financial decisions as a couple in regards to living.

I