Lost and Confused

I was dating a guy for 6 months, when without warning he just abruptly ended our relationship. I know this sounds cliche but I thought he was "the one." I was single over 2 years after escaping an abusive relationship and when we met it just felt right to get together. We had lots in common, we had tons of fun together, he was always making me laugh and he treated me very well. He made me very happy. He was everything I was looking for. I dated some jerks in the past, but I truly felt this relationship was going somewhere. We never had an argument, or even a disagreement . He would marvel at how I was so easy going and easy to get along with. Everything seemed perfect so I never saw this coming. He called me a week after New Years and told me he wanted to end things. I asked why and he said it was getting to be "too much" with work and we didn't see each other often. Mind you we saw each other about once a week and it was ME that took the 50 minute trip in my 16 year old car to go visit him. The other 6 days we'd text, and talk 3-4 times a week. I feel if you like someone enough you will do whatever it takes to make things work, so I think this is a cop out. I proposed ideas for how we could make this work and he fired off more excuses. He said it's gonna get worse at work cause they are short staffed and he's been working more so we might as well just call it quits and move on. Another excuse being that he felt there was no more "spark" in the relationship and he didn't have feelings like he did at the beginning and wouldn't explain further. I can tell you, you don't just lose a spark overnight; and he sure as hell had a spark when he had sex with me the last time we were together! He said he felt our relationship should have been "further along than it was but it wasn't." Whatever the hell that means. Finally he said that we didn't have anything in common anyway "except hockey and good sex." This is not true as we had tons in common. He shared my interest in "weird stuff" like skulls, zombies, and exploring abandoned buildings. It's like he had his mind made up when he made the call and he absolutely refused to work it out or compromise and I had no say in it. I can't shake the thought that I said or did something wrong even though he insisted I didn't. If it was something I was doing he never brought it to my attention to allow me the chance to fix it. If I do something wrong: tell me! If things arent working: say something. To me this indicates that he did not care enough about me or our relationship to work on it. Someone who could just drop everything and walk away doesnt even want to try. I thought about the timeline from his ex to me, and perhaps he wasnt emotionally ready to move on, but I feel this was something he should have known BEFORE he got involved with me. Not 6 months later after Ive spent time, gas mileage, money and developed feelings for him. Thats 6 months I could have spent with someone willing to put in an effort, someone who wasnt going to jack me around, and waste my time. He told me he had been meaning to do it for a bit but wanted to wait till after the holidays to drop the bomb. Then he acted like 6 months was just no big deal and I shouldn't be upset, like the time we spent together didn't matter and I meant nothing to him. And I don't know, maybe I don't have a right to feel this way? Basically in a nutshell he said "well it was fun, nice knowing you, we tried and it didn't work, bye." He did say before hanging up that he may change his mind and gave the usual "we can be friends" crap everyone tells you when you get dumped. I've been around the block enough to know that means someone does not want to see or speak to you again, ever. It's easy for everyone to say "screw him, it's his loss." But I'm having a hard time with this. I cant figure out what went wrong or why I wasnt good enough for him. I feel so hurt, empty and confused. I think there's something he's not telling me and I don't really have closure. Word on the street is that he is not seeing anybody else, although I do feel he is hiding something from me. I know it's probably best to just leave him alone and give him space which I have. I have not bothered to contact him as hard as it is. However I do plan on emailing him at some point to break down his list of excuses and tell him why they are BS. I dont expect a reply, but I need to express my thoughts since I had no say in the matter. I feel deceived that he we spent the holidays together while he acted like everything was peachy, not to mention that he accepted his gift that took me a month to make. This is ultimately going to be a trust issue with someone in the future. It's not like we were constantly fighting and a demise was predictable. I think I would have rather seen this coming. I just can't wrap my head around how you could happily pose with someone by the Christmas tree and then just abruptly cut them out of your life and dispose of them like trash. This was traumatizing and I'm tortured by my own thoughts. I keep going back and forth from being hopelessly sad and wishing he'd call, to angry and wanting to tell him to go screw himself for how he treated me. I still have some of his things and he has some of mine, and I have to see him in the next coming months for hockey. I am afraid things might get ugly. I expect he'll ignore me or treat me with contempt for the mere fact that we used to be intimate and now were not. I don't know what to do or how to move forward. He's still on my Facebooks friends for now and occasionally "likes" something but I may just pull the plug later. I dont intend on acknowledging him though. I dont know if we can truly be friends after this, or if I even want to be at this point.

If he had broken up with you before the holidays you would have been more miserable. He didn't deceive you nor lie to you. It simply isn't working for him. Sex isn't "spark".

It isn't anything you did or didn't do. Ultimately...the chemistry and compatibility wasn't there. Better to not waste any more time together and move on to someone who is a better match.

I am sorry about your pain, Kelly. Ghosting seems the way it goes. With his reference to the holidays, I would suggest to you he has been thinking about his for some time. He sounds like he tried to gently breakup with. I don't think you did anything wrong and I don't he led you on or wasted your time. For whatever reason, he decided the relationship wasn't working for him. I don't think he can give you a "valid" reason he wants to break up, even if he tried.

Instead of a letter or doing crazy ex girlfriend, I would rather you stop and consider this. Stop. Let go. Just walk away with your head held high and your self resepect maintained. Mail his stuff to him or find a mutual friend that can give him his stuff and get your stuff. If not, it is just stuff.

Your focus should be on your and healing. Live your life. Be selfish in protecting your heart and doing what you need to do. Exercise and eat healthy. Get a hobby. Work hard. Keep busy. Be with family and friends. Whatever that's keeps you busy and distracted.

I know this is hard to deal with. Hard to let go of the dream. You don't have to let go all at once. It can be gradually. I would get off social media and delete cell # and remove all triggers, photos, and gifts.

I hope you find peace and solace.

Funny how people breaking up with you , always seem to say the same things!

He MAY have found someone else...or his feelings just died. My ex-fiancé, after coming back from our vacation, where he proposed, said to me, "A guy at work got hurt. I will have to work more days, and longer hours". Like a fool I believed him. He had met someone the week before.

The guy who just dumped me....and has dumped me every other week for the last 1 1/2 years, said, Hey....some things work, some don't. See ya. Well...he actually said that one last year....and then later came to me saying he couldn't live without me.

Now it's I don't want to live another year, like I did the last 2. (just that night we had made love, and said he was sorry, blah, blah, blah) Guys will say anything I found out....in the heat of the moment. He then said also, that the only thing we had good was sex. (as he was dumping me.) ugh.

And OP...we're OLD....so it doesn't get any better. When someone doesn't want you anymore, it's like a switch flips off. Done. Good-bye. See ya. And 'what's the big deal? Lots of relationships don't work out. Ya just move on???" Yeah, got that one too. The joys of being the 'dumpee'.

Edit: I betcha anything he will soon be dating someone new. And probably had her in his sights!

I think he just wasn't feeling it and it wasn't about you doing anything wrong. I know it hurts, but the thing about dating is that you have to use that time to figure out if the person is one you want to spend more time with. Three, six, and twelve months are important touch points in relationships - when many break up. They are milestones for people to step back and think about the future.

Not surprisingly, a lot of men need more than great sex to feel a long-term spark. I'm sorry you thought things were perfect. I get the sense there were hints he was a little lukewarm all along. One example is that you had to do all or most of the driving to see him. That's a pretty bad sign.

I don't know for sure, but I feel like you may have some baggage from your prior abuse that you are carrying around. It may be something you want to explore. But if you are already anticipating having trust issues in future relationships, that's a pretty good predictor that you will lose more relationships with the good guys and attract not so great ones.

I appreciate everyone's comments/advice, but ultimately I still dont feel any better. I really do think theres something more to this...Like I said before, he stated one of the reasons was we didnt see each other, and it was when I suggested ways in which we could remedy that, when he started dropping the lame excuses. We did have a lot in common but he just wants to play dumb. Sad thing is I'm done with work earlier now and have more free time. I realize I'll probably never know why. Im just having a hard time dealing with the fact that it was so sudden...I would have much rather seen this coming, maybe wouldnt be so painful. In my other relationships when there was a problem, we talked about it and tried to fix it. I thought thats how a relationship works...if theres an issue, discuss it with each other and work it out. The fact that he couldnt come to me first and discuss any problems and instead just dropped everything and ditched me tells me he just didnt even want to try...

Of course I finally found someone who (I felt) was perfect, and he leaves me. I just feel so hopeless...I cant picture myself findng someone better at this point, but I suppose that will change eventually. I dont not feel as though I have baggage from my issues from my former abusive relationship, as someone indicated. I like to think that its made me stronger and that now I know the warning signs in a future relationship so I can escape right away. But how am I supposed to ever feel secure when a relationship is going well that the guy wont just take off one day?

As suggested I may decide not to write to him. As hard as it is its probably best to avoid contacting him. Id probably be wasting my time anyway. I deleted our pictures off of Facebook, but Ill wait a but to remove every trace of him completely off my phone, etc. I want to at least gauge how he acts when he has to see me next month, but I imagine doing so and unfriending him soon. I just cant imagine us staying friends at this time...My birthday is Friday, I'm curious to see if he'll bother saying anything.

Hiss reasons sound legitimate. Seeing each other only 1x a week for 6 months isn't much progression and that you did all the driving says he just wasn't that invested in it.

But how am I supposed to ever feel secure when a relationship is going well that the guy wont just take off one day?

To be honest, I never truly felt secure in a relationship until I got engaged and married. Unless a man (or woman) promises forever, I don't assume so.

I know it all sucks. It just seems he wasn't that interested. You were willing to put in more effort and he wasn't even interested. That's a hallmark of him not being into you.

Well I didnt think we were getting married and going to be together forever at that point, but I didnt think he'd just take off without warning either. Especially considering how volatile my last relationship was, and that there was a lot of fighting in the latter half of my 6 year relationship. Its no surprise those ended. I saw him 3 days in a row a week before he ended things... Im not oblivious, but I literally didnt notice any red flags in his behavior and he acted just like he did on our first date.

I didnt mind driving to his place because I still live with my parents, so if he came to me that wouldnt allow us much "alone time." Sometimes we would meet in a halfway location for dinner during the week. If I had my own place and he never came out my way then I think it would have raised an eyebrow. At first, when I wasnt working during the Summer we saw each other a few times a week. We even took a few camping trips together. It was only recently when he got a new work schedule that it was once a week. But theres no sense arguing about it and it doesnt matter anyway.

I can agree that in hindsight he obviously wasnt as invested as I was. I'm working with a therapist to help me through this...build my confidence and focus on me. She feels that if the schedule was really a problem, that this could have been remedied sooner. He could have discussed that concern much earlier and there were ways in which we could have made more time for one another. Of he could have ended it sooner. But her and I both think that its a red flag that he could just drop me without trying to discuss any problems and working on them out first. Again he didnt care enough to make the effort. But he chose to string me along and drag it out. And yes I do feel like he wasted my time. Thats time I could have spent with someone willing to put in that effort to make time for me.