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He lied, and tells me I have to get over it.


confused84

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I need outside advice. I don't know what to do.

 

I'd known him for almost a year before anything sexual happened. He'd been in two short relarionships, and we decided to try things (February). He (34) was still upset with his ex (they had dated a few months from Sept-Dec) when we got together, but he really wanted to be with me (31). He pursued me, and I was hesitant. He started having fights with the ex and I could tell when she upset him (one of his best friends to he hated her). It started causing issues with me, because I felt I was a rebound. I won't say this about women, but she's a and a homewrecker. Even having children and a broken marriage from cheating, she sees no issue getting a guy that's in a relationship (I've spoken to her, and she said it’s not her who would be cheating. Also, I call her the “w” word cuz she sleeps with anything. Even tried to sleep with me). She refused to use my name (used a nickname she made) and would flirt with him and I told him it was inappropriate and disrespectful.

 

Anyways, a couple months later after “I love yous” were said, we ended up breaking up. Then he just happened to bump into at the mall with her kids, and they hung out a while. He said they are friends, and they were close friends before they ever had a relationship they shouldn't have had. He said I was being ridiculous. The break up was bad, it was dirty, it was full on cut. After a week of not talking, he made contact and we spoke a little. Ended up spending the long weekend together (May). He said he spoke to her about the pros and cons if they had a relationship again. I was pissed. He was hot and cold, but we kept hanging out and sleeping together knowing we weren't together but had feelings. We weren't going to sleep with anyone else. They hung out a few times, and I even spoke to her on the phone. They both told me nothing physical was happening, and promised me, called me crazy and paranoid. This is while I see and hang out with him, and hook up at least once a week and talk about feelings.

 

In mid-July he starts to change and wants to get back together. I tell him he needs to come clean if he didn't tell me anything before, and it needs to be before we get back together. He tells me I need to get over it, nothing happened and promises. He's my best friend, so… I somewhat listen. She's out of his life, and he won't tell me why and says to leave it. I can't shake the feeling though, so I keep asking. He gets so mad one day he throws his phone at me, tells me to do whatever I want and storms upstairs. I wasn't going to look, but I felt it was my only chance. Well… I looked. And in the texts it proved they had been hooking up, and that he had feelings for her, that she knew he was still hooking up with me (just didn't know how often, but he was lying to her too). When I confronted him, he lost his and broke up with me. We had a screaming match. Anyways, I told him we were broken up, but he lied to me while broken up and together. He says he knew I'd be gone out if his life if he told me. I said that was my choice, not his. Not only does it sicken me that it was with HER, the fungus that will not die… But, that he lied straight to my face while not together and together. But I saw the texts. He was telling her he wanted to be with her, that he'd stop sleeping with me, and cut me out. Seems like she didn't want it, and that's why he came back to me. That's my opinion. He said he said that stuff so he could keep having the option to sleep with her, and it wasn't true what he said. I said he sounded ridiculous, a user and a bad friend if that's the case. He said it was just sex and she's just a friend. They can't be in a relationship. She says the same thing, but I trust her as far as I could throw her (and I probably wouldn't be able to pick her up).

 

He said that's why he cut her out of his life, because he knew he couldn't get me back if she was around. He promised me she was out of his life. He got sick and was diagnosed with cancer, however, and she reappeared. I tolerated it, because even if they are only friends… He was seriously sick and it was something to worry about.

 

Tried working things out, and we break up often enough, then make up, but it all seems to stem from distrust. He didn't understand I didn't like her in his life. He had broken up with her just two months before getting with me, he was always up and down with her, then spoke about relationships when we broke up, sex, then stop talking, not back to friends? He refuses to let the “friendship” go, saying he's not losing more friends because of me (He had an ex wife that was a friend, and I friended because they were close but she used me to get the truth out she cheated on him when married; and another kinda ex and him had a falling out). So, while he was in the hospital I updated people about how he was doing, including her. The next night she's completely hammered at home with a gf over, with her two kids there, texting me to go over. I didn't understand since… Well, c’mon. She started calling me over and over and I got him to answer it. She first was saying how her kids and her love him, asked if he'd get in trouble if he said it back, and then that she wanted me to go over and drink with her. Didn't matter what either of us said, she kept saying for me to leave him at the hospital and go to her house. Even lying about him saying he was OK with it, when I was right there for the whole convo. She was using sexual compliments, innuendos, and telling him I could leave him at the hospital. She wanted to fool around with me and he didn't understand how I didn't know. Um… Cuz of how messed up that entire scenario is. He didn't seem to happy about that. How she wanted me?!

 

Anyways, she has said she wants to meet me so I can see there is nothing between them. See who she is, since apparently she went from totally disliking me and wanting me out of his life to liking me and wants g to be friends (she's a liar and a manipulator, so I don't know or care if it's genuine). He has always said no cuz he doesn't think it'd be a good idea or comfortable. She thinks it'd be a great idea. I don't know.

 

Recently, we broke up again in late January… All stemming from trust issues. Seem to be trying to work thing out, but he says I don't like him or want the relationship. He always says that, which makes me think it's him since HE'S the one always breaking up. Yes, I'm not perfect. We both say and do the wrong things. But I still tell him I love him, and don't break up. He does. Because… What he doesn't understand is. I get we were broken up. It's the lying to me while having sex with me while broken up (while saying we are only having sex with one another), and lying while together until I found out that broke it. He puts it on me to get over it. But he lied. How do I know he won't lie again? Also, her! The one who comes back and forth, and I'm supposed to believe he chose to be with me? They say they are just friends and will never be together like that again. That's EXACTLY what they said before. Just friends, nothing will happen. So, doesn't just friends still mean it CAN happen by their reasoning? So, me questioning him NOW is apparently wrong. Yet… We were broken up before, he told me before he wasn't doing anything… And what was he doing? He created the doubt, and as much as I've tried he just tells me I have to deal with it.

 

He refuses to cut out a friend because I ask of would help the relationship, and will pick a friend before a relationship. Stubborn. He says he will always be friends with her, even if we aren't together. I said, that is basically telling me you pick her over me, making me feel like I was the second choice. That my feelings toward the whole situation and hurt are ignored. He just always says I have to get over it. That whether I believe it or not, he chose to be with me. But how can I? He's never given me a reason to, and has always had her back in his life. Why is she so important that he refuses? Is it just stubbornness? Pride? He doesn't get that I didn't do anything wrong. I have never lied to him. He may accuse me of having slept around, but I haven't even thought of someone else (even when broken up). People may say I'm too honest with him, but I live by my morals. He was having sex with me and her at the same time… And lied to me while doing so knowing I wouldn't be OK with it. This is more than just being broken up and he can do what he wants, it's he said there was only me he was sleeping with. THEN promising it was only me and putting me down for asking when we got back together. My intuition just won't let certain things go. He has never worked to regain my trust, and instead says it's my own insecurities and I need to get over it.

That I'm just insecure… Yeah, for just cause.

 

Why doesn't he feel he needs to work? To build the trust? Why doesn't he see having her in his life is a huge issue, especially with this unresolved? And should I believe he didn't or doesn't want her? That they are only friends?

 

I would gladly love to move forward and get over this. To rebuild trust and strengthen the foundations. But how? Some say too much damage has happened, but I refuse to take that as the only answer. I just don't know where to begin and what steps to take, especially since he doesn't think he needs to do anything.

 

What are your thoughts? I will read, listen, and even show him this link after for good opinions and suggestions.

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Then you either suck it up buttercup, and accept he's a liar who has no remorse for hurting those he claims to love OR you leave and find better.

 

Personally, I'd leave and find better.When someone wants to work out an issue and make amends that's one thing, those times I believe in giving people chances, but here this guy essentially shot you in the foot so to speak and is now telling, "Nope, not sorry. And I'll do it again too."

 

Why are you putting up with that? And no, it's NOT "love" because real love is not like what you're describing at all. An unhealthy codependency or other issues that make you want to stay in a toxic relationship maybe, but not love.

 

You can only rebuild and move forward if BOTH partners want to do that, and he doesn't. He just wants a free pass to do whatever he likes while you stay put and put up with it, so why are you thinking you can do it for both of you? You can't. One way anything involving two people in a relationship where one has all the power, calls all the shots, dictates all the actions taking place in that relationship more closely resembles slavery than it does a real relationship, frankly. And I've been there, and no I wasn't free to just be happy and trusting and in a loving relationship that was enhancing my life. And neither are you.

 

The only one you can change is you, and it's up to you to decide what is a dealbreaker or isn't and whether you're comfortable with a relationship that is all give on your part and all take on his or not.

 

And he's not going to give up this "friend" because he likes having his cake and eating it too, and knows that as much noise as you make you will always let him come back whenever it suits him. So why should he change? He has no consequences to do otherwise and you accept his gaslighting readily. Nagging and arguing just becomes so much background noise after a time. Dumping him on his head and finding someone not so "truth challenged" would solve everything.

 

Plus he really likes his friend, for whatever reason, and isn't willing to give her up for you simply because he likes her better. But he isn't wiling to give up his backup replacement just yet so he keeps you hanging on in case he needs ego boosts. Plus he's likely got control issue and feels a need to control others to "prove" to himself what a great guy he is. "Wow, I'm something, I have two women who are at my beck and call whenever I want."

 

I'm sorry, what is so wonderful about this guy again? 'Cause I just don't see it. And no, "He treats me well when he's not kicking me figuratively speaking--I.e. when he wants something from you--is not a reason to stay. I've walked away from toxic relationships several times even when I had feelings for the guys and guess what? The world didn't explode and I found out the only thing I didn't do right was leave sooner. So it's all I'm going to recommend you do and I hope one day you wake up and realize you are wasting your time on someone who is actually kind of beneath you since he can't manage to treat the person who is loyal to him with any decency.

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Not only does it sicken me that it was with HER, the fungus that will not die… But, that he lied straight to my face while not together and together.
What should be on your mind is why you would lower yourself to be with him when you knew that he was with her. She is right... it's not her that was cheating (although that makes her a sociopath when it comes to knowing what is right and what is wrong... just like this guy you can't seem to rehab from)

 

Surely you love yourself more then to have anything more to do with this player boy whom you'll never be able to trust whenever he's not directly in your eyesight? Yes?

 

Do the hard work you need to do to get over him completely (that means no contact with him or her, no creeping his social media sites, no emailing, texting, phone calls, either). You must go cold turkey withdrawl in order to cleanse whatever the bleeping hold this guy has over you. He is a piece of human waste as far as being a good life partner to anyone. You or her. Love yourself enough to let her have him if she's stupid enough to still want him after knowing what he is.

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So, I kind of glanced over your thread, but couldn't help but notice that your post about YOUR relationship with him is littered with talk of his ex. In the words of Princess Diana, "there were 3 of us in that relationship." I think you should probably move on as he's too entangled with her. Don't fight her for this guy.

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