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Gentlemanly/shy guy feeling inept with initiating sex


luckypaxton

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We have been dating only 2 1/2 months, and have taken things intentionally slow. So we are just now getting to the "getting intimate" stage.

 

We've talked about likes and dislikes, fantasies, etc. I know the how of turning her on, and have had the confirmation that they work quite well. I know where to touch and how.

 

But I've always been a bit more on the shy side. I have a kinky side and a wilder side too. But I tend to err on the side of caution, very aware of boundaries and making sure I'm not going too far. Feedback from her has helped me learn where these boundaries are for her etc.

 

We are both admittedly wanting sex and all the fun that goes with it, but my timing seems to be crap right now.

 

I enjoy the thinks like a nice dinner, sharing activities, reading to each other....all the sappy and romantic stuff. It's also Mardi Gras down here...so there are a zillion parties and activities that have in many cases been planned for months. Some since this time last year.

 

I'm starting to feel clumsy and inept somehow because we can talk and laugh and tease and rile each other up all day long...then I go to pick her up for dinner etc, we go out...or stay in...and there just doesn't quite seem to be enough time. Projects and things I've agreed to help her with, group plans, things on her mind (like looking for a career change, planning and prep for the zillions of activities and parties) and I'm trying to be supportive and encouraging and a good listener.

 

I want to just walk in, push her up against the door and use all the things I know to ravish her. To drive her crazy and turn her on like she's never been before. And I know I can...it's happened once. Then daily life stuff got in the way. She was sick, I was sick, Mardi Gras madness, needing to be somewhere so needing to leave as soon as I get there from work, busy weekend plans.

 

I've been direct, she knows I want to make love to her. And she wants it too. She enjoys my imagination (I've written erotica type things for her, and even read them to her), we read some erotica to each other.

 

Last night after dinner, I was reading her a story I wrote that started as a sexy dream. She was into it, getting very turned on just from the words and my gentle caresses as I read it to her. The dang foster dog (who is very insecure and pretty much glued to her ass) literally squeezed between us as we were on the couch making out and wouldn't leave her alone. We tried to slow down a bit and settle him down, and he'd move to play with a toy, but as soon as we'd begin kissing again....he was back.

 

We laughed about it a bit, and she playfully told the dog that sometimes 3 is certainly a crowd. We tried again, and she told me that she was having trouble shutting her brain off. Which I do understand....the dog, the frustration of stop/start/stop. A broken moment I suppose.

 

She's not much for directly initiating intimacy, she's more of a subtle initiator. The gentle teases, the lingering kisses, the playful teases. I like both ways.

 

She also prefers action over questions, the feeling of the guy taking charge and being in charge.

 

My issue comes with the timing. Having 3 hours with nothing to do in the middle of the day is one thing when we are curled up together. That's easier. But with hectic plans, not so available.

 

I've tried the direct "I want you", "I want to x" during the day, getting the teasing going and the thoughts in her head. And it does work to get her arousal going. But the timing again.....going from that to physical teasing when I see her to getting back from dinner or wherever and having some time to curl up together and finally act on all the teasing.....she's said she feels so comfortable and so safe curled up in my arms....and it's so relaxing...that she gets sleepy and just wants to be held and bask in it. That's great it its own way too.

 

I'm frustrated and feeling inept. I don't quite know how to turn those moments from cuddling and talking and kissing each other into sexual moments....without coming across as the jerk who is all over her every time. I don't know to read her cues for where that line is between aroused and enjoying the teasing and green light to take it further and this feels really good and I enjoy it but my brain won't quiet down quite enough to really relax into it.

 

Advice? Suggestions?

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I see her tonight.

 

My brain gets hung up on the "I don't want to seem pushy and as if sex is the only thing on my mind/that matters".

 

After I left last night she texted me to say she really enjoyed the dream I wrote out, and that she was really enjoying the making out and where it was leading. And that once her brain gets amped up and intimacy is interrupted it's harder to get back into the groove.

 

I made sure she knew I understood the dog situation (this dog is really wacked), and that there is a lot going on right now with plans etc, and that she needs the time to just relax and ease into intimate moments after just getting home. And she's usually just getting home when I get there, or just got the crazy dog inside etc. (Dog doesn't crate well....goes nuts if he's crated and she's there. Which wouldn't help the situation...but thankfully there will be no dog this weekend)

 

I also told her I was feeling a bit awkward and inept, trying to be honest. And why....because I'm feeling like my timing is horrible and didn't know what to do about it.....as it earlier in the evening/more verbal communication......what works for her. How to help quiet the brain.

 

She doesn't seem to feel it was nearly as awkward....or me as inept...as I feel. And on one level last night was just a crazy dog interrupted who is overly dependent upon routine and his internal clock said "this is usually the time where you are playing with me to wear me out before you try to go to bed and I expect that so mememememmememememme". And we chatted about picking it up where we left off tonight after an earlyish dinner at one of her friend's houses.

 

Part of me is thinking "Well, getting back early enough from that isn't going to happen....busy day tomorrow......" And part of me realises she wants it too, and like many women, needs the time...the buildup, the relaxed environment etc to ease into things. Which I understand.

 

I'm just really frustrated. The whole thing of trying to navigate schedules and conflicts and there always seeming to be something is messing with my confidence. I can know she isn't rejecting ME....but I'm still feeling rejected.

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It sounds as if you are way overthinking this.

I put myself in her place and if I am sensing such hesitations on your part it starts to become contagious.

If you aren't sure then I am going to begin to second guess things at some point to.

 

You say she is not assertive sexually. Well neither are you so someone needs to step up and make this happen!

So seeing you are here asking and not her. . .this one is on you, my friend.

 

A woman loves a confident man. Ok. . so you admit you aren't so confident. I get that. . but here's your moment to push thru that.

It sounds as if you have taken a considerable amount of respectful time to get to know each other and by the sounds of it she's given

you plenty of green lights all over the place.

 

Take her by the hand, take her to the bedroom and kick the dog out and close the door.

If you hesitate any longer, honestly I might lose my patience

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Dude. You're doing all the right things. It's going to happen. Don't get discouraged. It just has to happen once and it'll flow from there. Don't get worried. It's clear you both want each other. It'll happen.

 

She needs to make sure the dog is put away so it cannot interrupt.

 

Next time you go to her, and don't have a plan - do exactly what you did before. Just go at her. She liked it - you have proof she did. So you know it'll be okay. And don't let the dog interrupt you. Maybe don't even sit on the couch. Just go at her, lead her to her bedroom and shut the door before the dog goes in.

 

Let us know how it goes! Good luck! (You sound like a keeper!)

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Get to her place early start making out and then say lets move this to the bedroom and close the door. No dog. And don't go out to eat beforehand. Full stomach equals sleepy bye bye.

 

Bust a move. Be forceful just not rapey.

 

and all the kinky talk . .I can see how you've overstepped a little here.

 

I might feel a little overwhelmed myself seeing you've pretty much thrown everything into the kitchen sink before you've even done the basics!

Lower the bar just a tad.

 

Dial it down, keep it really simple.

Leave all that other stuff as something to look forward to in the future.

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We have been dating only 2 1/2 months, and have taken things intentionally slow. So we are just now getting to the "getting intimate" stage.

 

We've talked about likes and dislikes, fantasies, etc. I know the how of turning her on, and have had the confirmation that they work quite well. I know where to touch and how.

 

But I've always been a bit more on the shy side. I have a kinky side and a wilder side too. But I tend to err on the side of caution, very aware of boundaries and making sure I'm not going too far. Feedback from her has helped me learn where these boundaries are for her etc.

 

We are both admittedly wanting sex and all the fun that goes with it, but my timing seems to be crap right now.

 

I enjoy the thinks like a nice dinner, sharing activities, reading to each other....all the sappy and romantic stuff. It's also Mardi Gras down here...so there are a zillion parties and activities that have in many cases been planned for months. Some since this time last year.

 

I'm starting to feel clumsy and inept somehow because we can talk and laugh and tease and rile each other up all day long...then I go to pick her up for dinner etc, we go out...or stay in...and there just doesn't quite seem to be enough time. Projects and things I've agreed to help her with, group plans, things on her mind (like looking for a career change, planning and prep for the zillions of activities and parties) and I'm trying to be supportive and encouraging and a good listener.

 

I want to just walk in, push her up against the door and use all the things I know to ravish her. To drive her crazy and turn her on like she's never been before. And I know I can...it's happened once. Then daily life stuff got in the way. She was sick, I was sick, Mardi Gras madness, needing to be somewhere so needing to leave as soon as I get there from work, busy weekend plans.

 

I've been direct, she knows I want to make love to her. And she wants it too. She enjoys my imagination (I've written erotica type things for her, and even read them to her), we read some erotica to each other.

 

Last night after dinner, I was reading her a story I wrote that started as a sexy dream. She was into it, getting very turned on just from the words and my gentle caresses as I read it to her. The dang foster dog (who is very insecure and pretty much glued to her ass) literally squeezed between us as we were on the couch making out and wouldn't leave her alone. We tried to slow down a bit and settle him down, and he'd move to play with a toy, but as soon as we'd begin kissing again....he was back.

 

We laughed about it a bit, and she playfully told the dog that sometimes 3 is certainly a crowd. We tried again, and she told me that she was having trouble shutting her brain off. Which I do understand....the dog, the frustration of stop/start/stop. A broken moment I suppose.

 

She's not much for directly initiating intimacy, she's more of a subtle initiator. The gentle teases, the lingering kisses, the playful teases. I like both ways.

 

She also prefers action over questions, the feeling of the guy taking charge and being in charge.

 

My issue comes with the timing. Having 3 hours with nothing to do in the middle of the day is one thing when we are curled up together. That's easier. But with hectic plans, not so available.

 

I've tried the direct "I want you", "I want to x" during the day, getting the teasing going and the thoughts in her head. And it does work to get her arousal going. But the timing again.....going from that to physical teasing when I see her to getting back from dinner or wherever and having some time to curl up together and finally act on all the teasing.....she's said she feels so comfortable and so safe curled up in my arms....and it's so relaxing...that she gets sleepy and just wants to be held and bask in it. That's great it its own way too.

 

I'm frustrated and feeling inept. I don't quite know how to turn those moments from cuddling and talking and kissing each other into sexual moments....without coming across as the jerk who is all over her every time. I don't know to read her cues for where that line is between aroused and enjoying the teasing and green light to take it further and this feels really good and I enjoy it but my brain won't quiet down quite enough to really relax into it.

 

Advice? Suggestions?

 

Hey. Are you finding it hard to read her sexual body language?

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I have been the girl in this type of situation. It makes you feel unattractive and like you're not wanted. Definitely make a move. Girls generally like when guys are aggressive. If she doesn't like what you're doing I'm sure she's comfortable enough to tell you to stop. I think you've showed her you are truly a gentleman and like her for who she is. The physical part of relationships is very important and if you wait to long she may start questioning your attraction.

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It seems we all hate the dog.

This foster dog is very dependent, anxious, clingy.....attention . Freaks if crated while she is there. The whole barking/whininrg/trying to break out routine. His whole sense of security and "ok" is tied to the constant attention of people. Serious abandonment issues and separation anxiety.

 

Shutting him out of a room she's in will have the same effect as crating him.....he freaks if she's in the bathroom without him. He'll just sit or lay there.....but after being abused and dumped it's kind of understandable for him to be clingy and seriously insecure.

 

Pain in the ass for her too. But she works in dog rescue....part of the job.

 

He's a sweet dog, just warped. Kopp

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I have been the girl in this type of situation. It makes you feel unattractive and like you're not wanted. Definitely make a move. Girls generally like when guys are aggressive. If she doesn't like what you're doing I'm sure she's comfortable enough to tell you to stop. I think you've showed her you are truly a gentleman and like her for who she is. The physical part of relationships is very important and if you wait to long she may start questioning your attraction.

Were you in my spot or hers?

 

Any suggestions for how to be direct/assertive without coming across as inky having one thing on my mind or pushy?

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