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I am having difficulty accepting my boyfriends bisexuality for no reason


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So here goes; the main reason why I got this account here is probably because I am so ashamed of myself and that because I am surrounded by either straight extremist or people who won't understand me.

 

I have been with this man, this wonderful man for three years next week and I was... or still am... Crazy in love with him. It has been three years of puppy love for the both of us. Sure we had our fights but it always ended up in laughter. He is my friend, my closest confidant before even being my boyfriend. I can't imagine my life without his jokes or without his gentle heart. A week ago, as I was picking up after him, because he's always been a mess, I found the ring I had shown my best friend ( another woman) that I joked about him proposing to me. So that's how I found out he was going to propose and honestly I didn't even feel surprised, I felt like it was natural. So four days ago when he said he wanted to talk to me and brought me to a nice garden like restaurant, I got my best dress on and got really excited. He started to tell me how he appreciated every moment with me and how he wants to grow a family with me. Told me he felt he could tell me everything about anything.

So he told me he was bisexual and that I was the first person to know because he felt comfortable to say it. I am a trooper when it comes to society accepting people for their sexual preferences. I support everyone in their, homosexuality, asexuality, transgender, bisexual, heterosexual choices. I really do. So why did it feel like I suddenly lost interest in him? I don't mean emotionally... I mean physically. I told him I accepted him and he was happy and told me he knew I would.

It has been a few days now and I haven't been sleeping at night, I just can't seem to be physically attracted to him any more and I am not sure if it's because I have a mental block or because I am still under shock that someone I thought I knew, could be different and what worries me the most is : can a bisexual man be married to a woman and stay satisfied? I asked my friend to ask when he was planning to propose to me and apparently he will next week on our anniversary. I need to figure this out before then. Asking people around me is hard, they either are completely for it or completely against it and no one understands my insecurity and my guilt. Lately he's been noticing I have been back up from his advances... And he already looks like a hurt puppy.

 

Any thoughts? Any suggestions? Any experiences?

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No experience, but I would feel like you do.

I can accept people's orientation but if I were to marry, I would wish to marry a hetero sexual man, not a man who is capable of donation love with either a man or a woman.

 

And seriously, he tells you this and is planning to propose a week later? Like he just announced he was in favor of chocolate instead of vanilla.

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Take some time to look inside and see what it is that is bothering you. Perhaps his bisexuality makes you feel threatened that you are not enough for him? It's one thing when you are with someone and the competition is evenly stacked - apples to apples - but maybe you're worried someone else could steal him away because of what they can offer that you are just not equipped to give him from your emotional perspective, body type, everything....

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Bizarre situation indeed . And what if (after getting married ) has the "need" to "discover" more his sexuality and break up with you?

 

Personally i couldn't stay with a bisexual woman but it depends on the individual . If you feel this way already, imagine in a year or two .

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Did you ask questions? Like, what type of feelings towards men that he has? Has he had sex with a man before?

 

Sometimes people have attraction to someone of the same sex, but just know that nothing will come of it, or even don't want anything to come of it.

 

Hen how is that different thancloseted gay many who wants a beard?

 

I would think if he has accepted he is bisexual, than he has likely had a relationship,with a man...and not just attraction.

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Hen how is that different thancloseted gay many who wants a beard?

 

I would think if he has accepted he is bisexual, than he has likely had a relationship,with a man...and not just attraction.

 

I think women are attractive and have had "women crushes" before. I've fantasized about being intimate with one. But I wouldn't. It's just not what I want.

 

Maybe OP's boyfriend says he is bisexual because he fantasizes with having sex with a man, but doesn't actually want to. That's why I asked if she had asked him questions, specifically if he had had sex with a man before.

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I am sorry, I should have mentioned this in the post but yes at the dinner I did ask questions, he offered to answer anything I asked. He's only dated one man in his life and said that he hadnt slept with him but if the relationship would have continued he would have probably. He said it wasn't that he was attracted physically to one more than the other, he told me he thought that love is love and that it can be shared with a person not a specific gender and that usually people have preferences but he doesn't mind either or as long as he's in a strong relationship with the person. He basically said ; It doesn't matter the gender as long as I am in love with the person. Which is something I agree with so why do I suddenly feel so... different and insecure? But I think Skern is right on how I feel... what if eventually I'm not enough. I mean our sex life is fantastic and has been fantastic for three years... He's never asked me anything specific.... Should I tell him about how I feel? I'm afraid it will ruin him, I'm the only person he's ever opened up to because he says : I make him feel comfortable. I would ruin everything...

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I have more than one friend in committed relationships - marriages, actually - who are bisexual. On the first occasion of it, my uni-sexual friend was intimated by the sudden doubling of his competition. He was like - now EVERYONE is a prospect for her! Eventually, he became secure in their relationship, they became monogamous, and that was that. Back then, he and I parsed issues like, is it cheating if she is with a same sex partner, etc. Now, i realize the sexuality is irrelevant, IF they are satisfied with the physical relationship. Another friend - he and his wife have a select group with whom they participate together. People do all sorts of things in the privacy of their relationships. None of us would ever know.

 

 

Sometimes, the idea of a man being bisexual diminishes our idea of his masculinity. But that ignorant bias, and its time to unlearn it. I have had this sensation happen to me and I corrected it asap. If he was masculine before I knew, he is still as masculine after. There is no room for stereotypes.

 

So, your guy is bisexual. So what? Is he satisfied? Are you? Then... shrug. Don't make problems where none exist.

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That's great that he felt comfortable enough in telling you this. But I would have a open and honest talk with him. Tell him what your fears are. If you two are going to get married, then this is the kind of stuff you need to be able to bring up. Ask him what 'being bisexual' entails for him. Does that mean he may think a guy is cute from time to time but wouldn't actually act on it? Or does that mean he will want to hook up with a guy from time to time and won't find out as appealing?

 

From my best guess, it sounds like he is really in love with you and any bit of bisexuality won't detract from that. And if you're getting married and are not the type of people who would consent to an 'open relationship,' then why should you worry? He has these feelings inside of him that I'm sure he wants you to know. To be completely honest, while I'm straight, I've occasionally had 'bisexual' thoughts about guys. Have I ever acted on them? No. Has it gotten in the way of the way I treat my girlfriend? No. (It's something I'd love to tell her but am naturally apprehensive about it.) Maybe think of it as something cool, you know something about him that's really deep, that he felt comfortable in sharing with you. Anyway, hope this helps! I see it as a good thing for you both.

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No I think it's more that I'm worried I won't be able to be enough. What if he gets specific desire and I won't be able to satisfy them because I'm not turned on by that? I would feel guilty and afraid he would look into a male partner for that.

 

This happens in straight relationships all teh time. Cheaters cheat. Non-cheaters don't.

 

Well I think something like that would have come up in the three years you've been together then. He's still the same person. You're letting his sexuality become more important than who you know he is. And either you trust him or you don't.

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That's exactly why I am looking for help in coping with this. When it comes to sexual orientation, I've always supported the cause. I am even a member of a group that welcomes immigrants who fled their country because of their sexuality and the fear they have. I have had a sexual experience with a woman for one of my exs, it was a gift. I didn't like it but it was for him. I don't see anything wrong with that. My problem is, why, suddenly in my fantastic relationship with an amazing man, whom we have an amazing sex life, did my libido sink? I know I am the problem, I'm just trying to figure out how to fix it. And my biggest fear is breaking the heart of a man who opens up so warmly to me.

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I've had an uber hetero man consent to a MFM (that I didn't want; irrelevant); both hetero- and bi- men (and women) will sometimes want a little "strange" of either the usual or unusual sort. It happens. Bi is not the issue. The risk of cheating is related to (1) one's ability and desire to objectify others, so that sex becomes similar to getting a piece of candy, and (2) the strength of one's character and your emotional connection.

 

The flexi-sexuality is not a relevant indicator.

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That's exactly why I am looking for help in coping with this. When it comes to sexual orientation, I've always supported the cause. I am even a member of a group that welcomes immigrants who fled their country because of their sexuality and the fear they have. I have had a sexual experience with a woman for one of my exs, it was a gift. I didn't like it but it was for him. I don't see anything wrong with that. My problem is, why, suddenly in my fantastic relationship with an amazing man, whom we have an amazing sex life, did my libido sink? I know I am the problem, I'm just trying to figure out how to fix it. And my biggest fear is breaking the heart of a man who opens up so warmly to me.

 

 

 

Did his bi-sexuality change the way you see him as a man?

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That's exactly why I am looking for help in coping with this. When it comes to sexual orientation, I've always supported the cause. I am even a member of a group that welcomes immigrants who fled their country because of their sexuality and the fear they have. I have had a sexual experience with a woman for one of my exs, it was a gift. I didn't like it but it was for him. I don't see anything wrong with that. My problem is, why, suddenly in my fantastic relationship with an amazing man, whom we have an amazing sex life, did my libido sink? I know I am the problem, I'm just trying to figure out how to fix it. And my biggest fear is breaking the heart of a man who opens up so warmly to me.

 

But they're other people. And they're people you get to feel sorry for. Your boyfriend is just a regular guy with a regular life.

 

You've been blindsided. You thought he was one thing, and now you're finding out he's the other.

 

Are there any bi groups near you? It might do you good to meet with other people who've come out or had someone they're in a relationship come out.

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So what's the problem? If he were straight, he'd still be sexually attracted to other people... they'd just all be women. It's no more or less discipline for him to be committed to you as a bisexual man than it would be for him as a straight man. The idea of commitment isn't intrinsically any different between sexual orientations, nor is promiscuity. Monogamy is monogamy.

 

That said, I do agree that even if you shouldn't be perturbed, it's absolutely natural to need time to process something like this. Him proposing to you within a week of spilling his guts really isn't fair to you. You should be allowed the time and space you need to let it sink in and rationalize it.

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Not really. He's the most macho man I've ever met. But honestly, whatever orientation he shouldn't have an effect on that... There are plenty of gay men who are macho as heck. So no, I don't think it affects me that way... I will admit when it comes to the bedroom, I can experiment but I have a deep preference for traditionalism... which makes me kind of boring but he never said anything against it... Maybe I am afraid he's going to ask me to? I had an expirament with another woman... and heavily dislike it... And man or woman I'd certainly never agree to share with anyone... When it comes to a relationship, I'm dead set on having it only for two people. I don't mind or care or even its none of my business about other couples. But not for me, I would get jealous too much

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Not really. He's the most macho man I've ever met. But honestly, whatever orientation he shouldn't have an effect on that... There are plenty of gay men who are macho as heck. So no, I don't think it affects me that way... I will admit when it comes to the bedroom, I can experiment but I have a deep preference for traditionalism... which makes me kind of boring but he never said anything against it... Maybe I am afraid he's going to ask me to? I had an expirament with another woman... and heavily dislike it... And man or woman I'd certainly never agree to share with anyone... When it comes to a relationship, I'm dead set on having it only for two people. I don't mind or care or even its none of my business about other couples. But not for me, I would get jealous too much
You know you can ask him these kinds of questions, right? Though it's no secret straight men think about threesomes quite often as well.
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Bisexuality doesn't mean he's got a bondage dungeon he's waiting to spring on you.

 

But you also didn't think he had bisexuality waiting to spring on you.

 

Honestly, and this is the only advise we can really give - you have to talk to him. Just remember that he loves you enough to share this part of himself with you, and he wants to marry you.

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I think it has to do a lot with the fact that if ever he wants to explore that side of him, I would find it difficult for me, for my preferences. Honestly as a human to another human, experimenting is the key to life. But there are something we know we can try and others we know we would never be able to. I have experimented, he knows, he knows everything about me. And I found out that in my sexual life, I am traditional, I like simple things and I don't want to share. And one day, thinking he might want to try and being torn between the idea of encouraging him and not being able to respect my needs....

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