MiaBellaVita Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 I posted a few days ago about the younger guy I've been dating for 6 months and how he doesn't want to use BG/GF labels. I got some great feedback and thing I know the direction I need to go. Thank you!!! I also feel like I've been making myself too available. Guy has a lot of other obligations (such as his band). He has family a few hours away he sees often and other things like that. He never consults me before he makes other plans (which is perfectly fine). He just makes them and if they happen to fall on a day when I have no plans and no kids, then so be it. I often have no idea if I will see him or not until he gets off work and calls me and tells me that his evening plans are. We have hardly been able to see eachother lately due to his work/recording schedule. It's been like this a few weeks and will be like this for at least a few more. I don't make a lot of plans (because I'm usually home with my kids) so I am almost always available at the last minute. A week ago he told me he would be recording several nights this week, including Friday. He would probably take a break Saturday and had family plans on Sunday. I don't have my kids this weekend. I have a class sat morning and have my own family function on Sunday (one he was formally invited to bu the host but declined due to his own family thing). I did not want to be sitting home alone on Friday night. So I made dinner and hang out plans with a friend of mine. The friend happens to be male, but it's never been a romantic thing. We have been friends for almost 20 years and he is married. We get together every few months and catch up. New guy knows this friend and is fond of him. Friend and I are excited about being able to have a dinner and some time after to catch up as, because of our kids and schedules usually only end up being able to have a 45 minute weekday lunch. New guy called me this morning and said he might be taking a break from recording tonight to rest his voice. And then said "the kids go with their dad tonight, right?" Which I believe was his way of asking if I was availble. I said that they do, but I have dinner plans tonight. He immediately said "oh" and sounded really dissapointed. I am not canceling plans with my friend. He got a sitter and everything. But now I feel so emotionally torn! I WANT to spend a low key evening with new guy. I haven't spent any time with him in forever and I miss him. We likely won't get to see eachother the rest of the weekend and all next week. I really enjoy spending time with him. I WANT to cancel plans with friend (I won't) and I hate that I do. New guy makes plans and doesn't seem to care if I have something to do or not, why can't I be ok with that too? Help me be ok with not being as available as I want to be. I don't want to play mind games or say I'm not available when I really am, but I need to be ok with making plans and not waiting for a phone call just in case he wants to hang out last minute (he doesn't really plan in advance, for anyone/anything). Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 You purposely made plans knowing he might be free. So as to NOT be too availanle and have been hoisted on your own sword. Its great you made plans for yourself. And you can still see music boy late night after dinner. Don't play games. Music guy lives his life as he sees fit. He's a big boy and can handle a night without you. Link to comment
kevinm Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 Well if the dynamic of your relationship is such where schedules have to remain flexible, then he can't (new guy) be too upset at the times when he can't have his way. Nor can you. Fact: You and new guy didn't have plans. Fact: You already had plans and clearly don't want to break them Dilemma: You want to spend time with the new guy Solution: Make some plans As far as you not being "too available", simply don't be. Either your lives will blend together or they won't. Does this new b/f your think you're a lawyer on retainer or something? There's no reason for you to be constantly be keeping your schedule clear on the off chance that you may get the opportunity to spend time with the new guy. Link to comment
MiaBellaVita Posted February 5, 2016 Author Share Posted February 5, 2016 You purposely made plans knowing he might be free. So as to NOT be too availanle and have been hoisted on your own sword. Its great you made plans for yourself. And you can still see music boy late night after dinner. Don't play games. Music guy lives his life as he sees fit. He's a big boy and can handle a night without you. I was actually certain he would not be free tonight. He said he would be recording wed/thu/fri after work. Then this morning he told me that they might decide to take a break with the recording this eve as he was becoming a little vocally strained. But you are right. He will be perfectly fine on his own and will likely enjoy the solitude as his life is so busy right now. I can't help but think I missed out on the only time I'll get to spend with him in the foreseeable future. However, I don't want to appear needy and co-dependent. I feel like I would appeal to him more if it actually seems like I have my own life. Link to comment
j.man Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 Absolutely, you will. I would be extremely turned off if I found out a woman had cancelled plans with a friend to go on a date with me. I'd immediately assume she was the needy / clingy type. At the same time, it's relatively easy to see someone who plays games to make themselves look less available. Just genuinely have your own things going on and if your schedules align, you meet up. Don't overthink or overdo it. Link to comment
MiaBellaVita Posted February 5, 2016 Author Share Posted February 5, 2016 Well if the dynamic of your relationship is such where schedules have to remain flexible, then he can't (new guy) be too upset at the times when he can't have his way. Nor can you. Fact: You and new guy didn't have plans. Fact: You already had plans and clearly don't want to break them Dilemma: You want to spend time with the new guy Solution: Make some plans As far as you not being "too available", simply don't be. Either your lives will blend together or they won't. Does this new b/f your think you're a lawyer on retainer or something? There's no reason for you to be constantly be keeping your schedule clear on the off chance that you may get the opportunity to spend time with the new guy. I have 3 kids and a full time job I like to make plans! He almost refuses to commit to plans. It's not just with me, he refuses to commit to plans with everyone (other than music obligations) because he never knows if he will feel like doing the plans when the time comes and doesn't want to back out on something he committed to and disapoint people. I've had a discussion about this with him. Like, I'd like to know if he intends to come over in the evening or not (evenings where I am stuck at home regardless because my kids are sleeping). But he won't ever say until he gets off work because he doesn't know how he will feel then. I want to know because it depends on what, how much and what time I make dinner. If he comes I will shower and clean my house before he gets there, if he doesnt I wait to don't hair things before bed, etc. But I don't think there's any changing him regarding this. I've come to accept it and not take it personally. If I say, hey, this is going on on Xx date, want to go? He will respond with "maybe, I have to see what's going on that weekend". But then he won't make an actual decision until the day off or the day before. Link to comment
MiaBellaVita Posted February 5, 2016 Author Share Posted February 5, 2016 Absolutely, you will. I would be extremely turned off if I found out a woman had cancelled plans with a friend to go on a date with me. I'd immediately assume she was the needy / clingy type. At the same time, it's relatively easy to see someone who plays games to make themselves look less available. Just genuinely have your own things going on and if your schedules align, you meet up. Don't overthink or overdo it. Thank you. This was the fine line I didn't want to walk. I don't play mind games and don't ever want to say I'm busy when in really not. I want to be genuine but actually really have my own life at the same time. This is difficult because 99% of the time he knows exactly where I am and what I am doing (home with the kids because they go to sleep at 7). It's hard to make alternative plans when you can't leave your house! Link to comment
kevinm Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 I have 3 kids and a full time job I like to make plans! He almost refuses to commit to plans. It's not just with me, he refuses to commit to plans with everyone (other than music obligations) because he never knows if he will feel like doing the plans when the time comes and doesn't want to back out on something he committed to and disapoint people. I've had a discussion about this with him. Like, I'd like to know if he intends to come over in the evening or not (evenings where I am stuck at home regardless because my kids are sleeping). But he won't ever say until he gets off work because he doesn't know how he will feel then. I want to know because it depends on what, how much and what time I make dinner. If he comes I will shower and clean my house before he gets there, if he doesnt I wait to don't hair things before bed, etc. But I don't think there's any changing him regarding this. I've come to accept it and not take it personally. If I say, hey, this is going on on Xx date, want to go? He will respond with "maybe, I have to see what's going on that weekend". But then he won't make an actual decision until the day off or the day before. Clearly not. You're holding the wheel too tight, imo. Give yourself some slack. No reason to always be "on call" with your life while you're waiting on this guy. Just don't wait for him. As suggested by others, he'll sense if you're crafting your schedule to meet his, and this won't be attractive. Don't put your life on hold for this guy, or anyone else for that matter. Link to comment
Mari Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 I wouldn't cancel the plans but next I recommend you two share your upcoming plans. This way he's not asking you last minute and isn't disappointed that you're not available. You would know what he's up to and he would know you've got something going on. Link to comment
Clinton Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 This is just my opinion, but this relationship seems like it's far too much work and that your needs aren't really being met by it. From my point of view your lifestyles don't really mesh and likely never will. You're a mother of three looking for a committed relationship. He's a musician with a carefree lifestyle. I'm not saying he's not a really nice guy, but it just seems that this is headed for an eventual split as your lives grow more divergent. I'm a father of three and I know what the demands that that life places on a person. For myself, I'd want someone a little bit more in tune with the 9 to 5 grind that working and raising kids is. I think this relationship may be good for right now. He's interesting, has a cool lifestyle, younger etc. but it doesn't seem like it's built for the long haul. Just my two cents but I'd be careful here. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 What Clinton said. It seems like a compatibility issue honestly. Looking for different things Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 I really think you should go out with your friend, btw. Link to comment
Andrina Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 I read your past thread. I think you're settling. He has some good traits, which most people do, but I believe the bad traits outweigh the good. He has emotional baggage that you believe creates a barrier. If that's the case, he's not emotionally ready to be in a serious relationship. You are too afraid to ask questions you want answers to. That means the relationship is on shaky ground. If you lose a person by scaring them away because of your questions, it means they weren't the right person for you anyway. You don't have a crystal ball to ever know if a relationship will withstand the long haul or not, but you do have control of choosing a person who is a good risk for your heart. The secret is to cut off someone as soon as you see red flags/deal breakers. This will free you to keep searching for "the one." He does possess red flags. After six months of being exclusive, he won't call you his girlfriend. At six months in, it's probably infatuation, but to me, verbally expressing that you love someone is a beautiful thing that makes life more enjoyable. He is selfish. It's all about him. He won't make plans because he might not feel like going at that time. I've gone to events and accompanied my husband on things he's interested in even though I'm not. My husband doesn't like going to antique stores, but if we're on vacation and I see one, he doesn't whine and accommodates my needs. You're on this site because you're not happy with the status quo. Why not think about your needs? Wouldn't it be nice to have someone whose schedule fits yours, where more time could be spent together? Wouldn't it be nice to be with a guy who is so crazy about you that he wants to brag about how you are his girlfriend? Wouldn't it be great for a guy to grab you and hug you and look into your eyes and say, "I love you." You say his time will be freer when his recording sessions are over. I doubt it. Singing engagements usually happen on weekends, when you are free every other weekend. You haven't even asked him what his future goals are, and if it will result in living together after a few years has passed, or even if marriage will be in the picture. When two people don't have the same major life goals, it'll never work. And you're scared of asking, because you're afraid of the answer, because you guess it won't be the one you want. It's time to realize that there are other cute, fun guys out there who would meet your needs better if you search long and hard enough. Have the discussion. Rip the bandaid off and just do it. If you won't do it now, at one year in, that needs to be the limit. I had a friend who bought a house with a bf. I told her not to since he'd never said he loved her after 2 and a half years together. She did it anyway, and after about another year, she found out he was communicating with an ex girlfriend. She then had to buy him out of the house. When a man doesn't say the words, maybe come to terms that it's because he doesn't. Take care. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 Totally agree with those saying this is too much work on your end. If this were a good fit, I think it would feel more natural and you wouldn't have to worry about how you appear to him. Maybe that's the case on the first couple of dates, but after this amount of time you should feel able to be your real self with him. Link to comment
missmarple Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 And this is why he doesn't want to call you his gf. Because this isn't a mature person in a relationship...he's like a teenager who 'hangs out' whenever he's in the mood. Frankly, you're settling. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 You would be a terrible friend if you cancelled, and this would also give him the go ahead to show you even more disrespect in your date planning. I can't believe that he does not know his schedule until the end of the day. I also can't believe how available you are for this guy. Honestly, I would have little to no respect for someone who was always available. Shows that you have no life and lack of interests. Boring!!!!!! You have also showed him that he can show up when he wants, and leaves little excitement for get togethers. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 I have 3 kids and a full time job I like to make plans! He almost refuses to commit to plans. It's not just with me, he refuses to commit to plans with everyone (other than music obligations) because he never knows if he will feel like doing the plans when the time comes and doesn't want to back out on something he committed to and disapoint people. I've had a discussion about this with him. Like, I'd like to know if he intends to come over in the evening or not (evenings where I am stuck at home regardless because my kids are sleeping). But he won't ever say until he gets off work because he doesn't know how he will feel then. I want to know because it depends on what, how much and what time I make dinner. If he comes I will shower and clean my house before he gets there, if he doesnt I wait to don't hair things before bed, etc. But I don't think there's any changing him regarding this. I've come to accept it and not take it personally. If I say, hey, this is going on on Xx date, want to go? He will respond with "maybe, I have to see what's going on that weekend". But then he won't make an actual decision until the day off or the day before. he should want to see you days in advance, not at the end of the day. You can turn this around by not being so damn available with men - truly not available with other interests. I can't understand, why or how, you have tolerated this. You're not compatible. Remember, we teach people how to treat us. Link to comment
MiaBellaVita Posted February 5, 2016 Author Share Posted February 5, 2016 I read your past thread. I think you're settling. He has some good traits, which most people do, but I believe the bad traits outweigh the good. He has emotional baggage that you believe creates a barrier. If that's the case, he's not emotionally ready to be in a serious relationship. You are too afraid to ask questions you want answers to. That means the relationship is on shaky ground. If you lose a person by scaring them away because of your questions, it means they weren't the right person for you anyway. You don't have a crystal ball to ever know if a relationship will withstand the long haul or not, but you do have control of choosing a person who is a good risk for your heart. The secret is to cut off someone as soon as you see red flags/deal breakers. This will free you to keep searching for "the one." He does possess red flags. After six months of being exclusive, he won't call you his girlfriend. At six months in, it's probably infatuation, but to me, verbally expressing that you love someone is a beautiful thing that makes life more enjoyable. He is selfish. It's all about him. He won't make plans because he might not feel like going at that time. I've gone to events and accompanied my husband on things he's interested in even though I'm not. My husband doesn't like going to antique stores, but if we're on vacation and I see one, he doesn't whine and accommodates my needs. You're on this site because you're not happy with the status quo. Why not think about your needs? Wouldn't it be nice to have someone whose schedule fits yours, where more time could be spent together? Wouldn't it be nice to be with a guy who is so crazy about you that he wants to brag about how you are his girlfriend? Wouldn't it be great for a guy to grab you and hug you and look into your eyes and say, "I love you." You say his time will be freer when his recording sessions are over. I doubt it. Singing engagements usually happen on weekends, when you are free every other weekend. You haven't even asked him what his future goals are, and if it will result in living together after a few years has passed, or even if marriage will be in the picture. When two people don't have the same major life goals, it'll never work. And you're scared of asking, because you're afraid of the answer, because you guess it won't be the one you want. It's time to realize that there are other cute, fun guys out there who would meet your needs better if you search long and hard enough. Have the discussion. Rip the bandaid off and just do it. If you won't do it now, at one year in, that needs to be the limit. I had a friend who bought a house with a bf. I told her not to since he'd never said he loved her after 2 and a half years together. She did it anyway, and after about another year, she found out he was communicating with an ex girlfriend. She then had to buy him out of the house. When a man doesn't say the words, maybe come to terms that it's because he doesn't. Take care. Wow. I don't like hearing any of that..... But you may very well be right. I don't want it to be that way. I don't want it to be that way though. I understand that I will never find the perfect guy. There will always be something in every relationship that you aren't overly fond of. I just need to decide what are deal breakers or not. My ex husband committed right away, called me his girlfriend early on. Told me he loved me. He always wanted to spend time with me and whisk make concrete plans. Yet he ended up being in trustworthy, hot headed and our personalities ended up not working well together (he is quiet and reserved and I'm very out going), so even though he gave me the things I am searching for now, it still didn't work out. Now I'm with someone who won't verbally commit and won't make concrete plans, but I trust him completely, he has no temper, and our oitgoong personalities mesh so well. I could be stuck with only him for days and we would still entertain ourselves and have fun. My ex bored me after 1 hour. What is the lesser of the two evils? As far as life goals, I know what his career aspirations are (and no, it's not to be a rockstar and he thinks he would like to be married someday. I don't know if I want to be married again in the future or not. Probably. I liked the concept of being married. I'm actually ok with how things are between us, the scheduling thing is annoying and while I don't need to be more serious anytime soon I suppose I just want to know that he isn't going to just walk away. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 And he can't promise you that. Your husband said "until death due us part" and he ain't dead. Life and live don't come with guarantees. You get dealt a hand and play it as you see it. Link to comment
Clinton Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 I think at this stage, like an awful lot of people, youre in love and you're going to ride it out to the bitter end no matter what. I hope it works out for you. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 OP I am sort of dating a non-planner. We each are single parents with lots of custody and entrepreneurial careers. I make plans. I didn't used to. He doesn't make plans. If he has a last minute invitation and I am genuinely available, I do it. If I am not available, I don't. I can't change him and don't want to change me, so that's how it plays out. I used to be all annoyed and distrustful of him, because he didn't ask me for time in advance. Now, I am completely relaxed and couldn't care less (except that I wish I could play with him more). The fact that he doesn't make plans is about him and doesn't reflect on his respect or affection for me. It's about where he is in his head and how much responsibility he wants to manage. The solution? I backed off. No sex, no commitment, no gf/bf stuff. I let him initiate most communication. No games - I text or call if I feel like it and I say yes if I feel like it. If I want a guy who takes me out in the traditional manner, that's not this guy. Shrug. I see my girlfriends a lot, I go on first dates with other guys a lot, and I stay in steady contact with my #1 draft pick. Your guy isn't ready to be a bf while balancing his other interests. Back off till you get to a distance that works for you. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 Wow. I don't like hearing any of that..... But you may very well be right. I don't want it to be that way. I don't want it to be that way though. I understand that I will never find the perfect guy. There will always be something in every relationship that you aren't overly fond of. I just need to decide what are deal breakers or not. My ex husband committed right away, called me his girlfriend early on. Told me he loved me. He always wanted to spend time with me and whisk make concrete plans. Yet he ended up being in trustworthy, hot headed and our personalities ended up not working well together (he is quiet and reserved and I'm very out going), so even though he gave me the things I am searching for now, it still didn't work out. Now I'm with someone who won't verbally commit and won't make concrete plans, but I trust him completely, he has no temper, and our oitgoong personalities mesh so well. I could be stuck with only him for days and we would still entertain ourselves and have fun. My ex bored me after 1 hour. What is the lesser of the two evils? As far as life goals, I know what his career aspirations are (and no, it's not to be a rockstar and he thinks he would like to be married someday. I don't know if I want to be married again in the future or not. Probably. I liked the concept of being married. I'm actually ok with how things are between us, the scheduling thing is annoying and while I don't need to be more serious anytime soon I suppose I just want to know that he isn't going to just walk away. Good grief! You go by lesser of two evils. There are more than two men in the world. Why not aim higher and find someone fully compatible. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 I guess, OP, at the risk of sounding dismissive - Big deal. Just don't commit then. Keep dating. Its okay and in fact recommended to date more than one person at a time, until you find a match that is compelling emotionally, intellectually, and physically -- in real time. This guy might be your guy, but for now, he doesn't have room for a relationship. It doesn't matter if YOU think he has room; his actions tell you he isn't available and his words match. You can date him all you want, but don't let yourself fall or commit. If you have done that already, you need to pull yourself back. Its only been 6 months. Seems like a long time, but you know it really isn't based on your own experiences. Backpedal, my friend. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 I wouldn't plan my life or put it on hold for someone who wouldn't call me their gf. As far as the plans you currently have and the new guy calling - good for you and you should continue to live your life accordingly. Your making plans has nothing to do with the new guy. .You are just living your life, just like he is. Besides, someone with a full life of their own is much more attractive. I might have said to the new guy: `Oh wow, I would have loved to see you tonight but you hadn't mentioned anything about it previously so I just assumed you were busy" It's an indirect way of letting him know 2 things: That you would have indeed love to see him -and- unless otherwise notified you may have other plans. If he goes dark on you because you weren't available, then it says a lot about him and his intentions. Not fun, for sure - but I'd rather know now than later. If his intentions are in alignment with yours he will respectfully set time aside for you, not just call you when it's convenient for him. Link to comment
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