"The talk" of deciding to break up or try it again is due in a month. SOS.

But I'll try to be brief..

My "ex" and I were together for about 8 years and have a 3 year old together. Everything was fine, we were best friends, sex was good and out of the blue he started changing I dont know if it was some kind of middle life crisis but broke up with me for no good reason, he couldn't tell me why other than "he didn't feel butterflies anymore and probably really never loved me". It's been a year since then.

After much struggle, he accepted he needed some time to clear his head and some counseling (for him). "Those kind of decisions you may regret later on when you miss out on your son's life for no real reason you can state" I said to him. Somewhere in October we scheduled to have "the talk" in March to see whether we work on whatever was the problem in the first place or we let it go and both go our separate ways. The talk is due in a month.

I would say that in general we are getting along pretty much like nothing happened, we laugh, go out, continue to have sex, support each other, and spend a lot of time together. He has expressed he'd like to do this or that in the future (like going on holiday) .. but .. BUT.. something is changing, it's weird but I am not sure I would actually like to get back with him. I don't know if it is because I am after all heartbroken, generally disappointed, nervous, frustrated...

A future with him could be awesome, don't get me wrong, but I don't really know if he would actually, proactively do something to rekindle that romantic side of things -where things got damaged- I don't know if my feelings are being the result of a failed "daydream" where I don't see any indication of giving me my place as his wife - partner.

I don't know what to do.. never really have been the dumper so I don't know what are the right reasons to blew someone off.

Overall I am feeling like I may not want anybody in my life. I've come to realise that where he to be out of my life; it wouldn't be bad.

So any advice? I have so many questions!

Has anyone been through something similar?

Do dumpers who decided to take a break to think things through make amends if they wish to get back together?

Should I trust my current feelings and tell him at some point I'm finally done? Can love really just fade like that or am I just disappointed?

Should I wait till March to tell him it's over or should I go ahead?

"Those kind of decisions you may regret later on when you miss out on your son's life for no real reason you can state" I said to him.

Regarding whether dumpers need time to clear their thoughts-- 99% of the time, they don't. They simply use it as a tool to drag it out and hopefully soften the blow once time is up. I'd prepare yourself for this to be done.

Y'all's relationship sounds kind of like my idea of marriage, best friends, supporting each other, daily life ins and outs, pretty good sexual relationship, nothing real exciting or drama. Apperently y'all do love each other, I guess I just don't see what else y'all are wanting. Seems to me it's just a pretty relative normal life, I mean you can't expect to have butterflies the rest of your life can you? Personally idk. I don't get butterflies when I see my fiancé

You've set a time in March to decide this with him, was there an option for him to bow out sooner? In other words, was the idea to wait, not decide anything firm until then? You can wait to tell him, and take the time to come up with what you want. Make a plan, or plans, Plan A and Plan B.

If he has decided he wants to continue together and work on the relationship, and you decide you don't, then in effect you are the one leaving the marriage, and you move out, find another home. If it's the opposite, then he leaves. If you both want out, you'll have to work out a fair split. And if you both want to continue together, you each decide what you need to make it the best relationship for you and each other, and work toward that, together and as individuals.

So, perhaps, Plan A, Plan B, Plan C, and Plan D

Right now you are letting him have all the power. If he ended things with you and needs space then why are you still having sex with him and hanging out with him? How can he miss you and realize he made a mistake if you are always there whenever he wants you to be?

This will enable him to lose respect for you and see you as a doormat because there are no consequences for him walking out on you and your child.

If I were you, I would tell him to stay away from you. To only speak to you if it concerns your child. Tell him you refuse to be used and played like a fiddle and it is all or nothing for you.

I do wonder if there is possibly someone else? Butterflies happen at the start of a new relationship. You are not meant to feel them forever. That is infatuation. I wonder is he infatuated by someone else since that is the only reason he gave you for leaving. Why would he all of a sudden 8years later tell you "its not love coz there is no butterflies" . To me that sounds like his head is elsewhere and he is comparing you to someone else

Me and my bf are together over 7years and have a child. If he told me tomorrow he is leaving then I would not let him come back. I told him if we ever break up it will be permanent. No second chances and he has known that from the start. And I certainly would not continue to sleep with him if he left me. Why are you letting him have to best of both worlds?

I do wonder if there is possibly someone else? Butterflies happen at the start of a new relationship. You are not meant to feel them forever. That is infatuation. I wonder is he infatuated by someone else since that is the only reason he gave you for leaving. Why would he all of a sudden 8years later tell you "its not love coz there is no butterflies" . To me that sounds like his head is elsewhere and he is comparing you to someone else

I agree with this part. Butterflies are meant to fade. If you've been with someone 7 years and still have butterflies one of the two of you is probably personality disordered, because in general the only way that feeling can be maintained over the long term is by one or both partners behaving rather inconsistently. (enter the concept of "Relationship Game") So, that said, when someone says "I just don't feel butterflies anymore" it's usually the result of them feeling butterflies for someone new....that's what creates the awareness that there are no butterflies currently.

Thank you for your input jman

The "ex" and I have different nationalities and potentially plans to live in different countries within the next couple of years. None the less is the legal agreements where a strict schedule has been appointed at us. If I were in his shoes I wouldn't like to be a parent for only 3 hours a day and not being able to see him on the weekends. It's probably my cultural background but I think that unless you absolutely can't make it work with someone - constant arguing, different beliefs...- than is probably better for everyone's sake to give it a quits. But I don't think it was our case.. he went extremes from one month to the next one (literally) from wanting to have another kid to full I don't want anything to do with both of you.. It's hard for me to get my head around it all..

None the less.. I think I should be prepare for (regardless of my capacity of comprehension) for him to blew me off again

capttrae

That is exactly what I believe in too!! When he told me about the butterflies I was like... "Seriously.. you did all this years?? lol" Ideally for me I had the pretty package, all of it in one... but if it isn't enough.. than what is? Am I selling myself short? There is something more? better?? IT does leave me a bit like if you have something pretty great and still this stuff can happen.. than I just wanna be single and not bother..

journey now:

Thanks a lot. I think he is still pretty unsure of what he wants.. so I guess by march he will have to come up with something. We have been leaving in separate places since things blew out of proportion and turned nasty (Cause he went within a month from I wanna have another kid to you and your son are always against me).

There are many probable plans .. its a bit overwhelming..

Starlight:

You are very, very right. Things have been a turmoil... when he first told me about the butterflies, I said to him that I didn't want to remain friends, it was 0 contact and anything to do with our son had to be through my parents (cause they live next door to mine).. I was pretty tough on that. When he agreed he would go to therapy and have a think on his choices; we agreed to continue seeing eachother as friends and things sort of evolved from that. It is a risky move because, like you say.. he won't be able to know what he will be missing out if he sees me everyday, and hopefully he knows by now, that if he decides to break the relationship, this routine won't be continuing whatsoever. It's all or nothing.. and at the moment you could say we are "trying to work things out" .. which is tricky.. I know.

He was at the time he told me confused and infatuated with someone else. Allegedly nothing happened. I tried to tell him that butterflies are only a part of the relationship but when normality hits, its simply normal that they go away. People in love with the butterflies never have long term serious relationship, they just go searching for external happiness and never really work on a relationship. Commitment and love are completely a different pie. I understand this..

TMifune

I am so glad to read your opinion. It means I am not crazy!! Butterflies years later.. I could say I am honoured cause I can't remember the last time I felt them for him... still.. I knew there was love...!! And letting everything go.. just because there are butterflies elsewhere and leave everything.. and I mean EVERYTHING for that.. to me seems pretty stupid... he "had" a lovely family, a gorgeous son, a supporting wife who had no complaints about.. and leave it for something that will fade...

I have been pretty forgiven cause I love him.. but he has hurt me pretty bad.. he would have to have a pretty good comeback in a month.. or else I'd start thinking I am a doormat...relationships right?? You think you got something good and then surprise!

you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and will do just fine without him. You shouldn't let him call all the shots or dictate the outcome. You have a say in all this too.

And how do you know he hasn't been messing around with her while you two are on a break. I would not be okay with that. It is unforgivable to say he will go to therapy and work on himself whilst the whole time still infatuated with someone else or seeing someone else while sleeping with you and giving you mixed messages and false hope

He sounds incredibly immature and doesn't realize the gift he has been given with you and your little family. His behaviour is completely out of order and you are being too nice about all this.

He should grow up, be a man, take his responsibilities seriously and stop wondering is the grass greener. You get out of a relationship what you put in and distance will not fix things between you. If this is what he wants then let him go. You don't deserve all this.

I believe you will be much happier if you gain closure on all this and put him behind you. He has hurt you enough. You have to protect your heart and feelings and stop letting him do whatever he pleases

All this screams of lack of respect for you and no consideration for your feelings or how he is hurting you. If he was serious about taking a break to figure out how he feels then he would not mess with your head by bouncing back and forth and having sex with you. If he cared at all for how you feel then he would leave you the hell alone

But he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Hes using you. He is vile. How anyone can treat you like this after so long together speaks volumes

Don't make excuses for nasty people. You cannot put a flower in an a**hole and call it a vase

I went through the same butterflies speech as well...and my reaction was the same as everyone else's here was..."who expects to have butterflies permanently?" As you spend more time together and get more comfortable together, that butterfly feeling is bound to subside, and is definitely not expected to be constantly present. What has helped me get through my breakup was to realize that someone like him as an unrealistic expectation of what a relationship really is. They just want the "high" of new love and infatuation, not the "partnership" element of the relationship. People like that will likely never find someone to settle down with because they will just get bored.

I wish you the best with this...continue to be a good person and good things will come your way. I'm a firm believer in karma...if he doesn't realize what he's losing, you deserve much better. I can't imagine going through something like this with someone I was with for so long and had a child with. I dated my ex for a year and it hurt to the high heavens.

Good luck!