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thisisdoors

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hi... I'll start by saying i'm a guy, i just really needed a woman's point of view for this, so i hope you can help me! My mom is paying for my wedding to my fiancé, which is going to be in September. We are new homeowners, she has 2 kids, and we like to travel and stuff, so we were just going to do something really cheap initially. Plus, she’s been married twice before, so she wasn’t all about another wedding. I’ve never been married, and when my mom heard that we were just going to do something really simple, she offered to pay for a wedding. We talked about it, and agreed that that would be great. So, they started getting together for lunches to plan the stuff, and all was going well. Or so I thought lol… next thing I know, my girlfriend is telling me how my mom is being pushy. Ok, well I know my mom can be that way, and I also know my girlfriend can be that way(see: Freud), so thinking that it’s probably just a clashing of the minds, I tell my girlfriend I’ll talk to my mom about it. I also tell her that I’ll get more involved, so as to keep my mom at bay a little bit. I did speak to my mom, and all was well again. The problem was, when my girl told me about this issue, she was extremely contemptuous, and came across as ungrateful. To the point that her 13 year old daughter said something to me about how rude her mom was being. That bothered me. So I told her that she was sounding ungrateful, and that my mom was being extremely nice by offering to pay for everything, so maybe cut her a little slack? I told her that I know her concerns were valid, but that all that had to happen was she had to stand her ground about whatever issues she was having. I also told her that if she doesn’t want to do this(have my mom pay for a wedding), please let me know and I would cancel that plan. She assured me that she did want to have a nice wedding, and that if I got involved more, she’d be fine. She even apologized for being ungrateful. Rosy right?

The problem is that these episodes have continued. What’s more, I can’t even talk to her about timelines on stuff without receiving an angry reply. For instance I told her that once we got our pictures for our save-the-dates, we should go on shutterfly or whatever, and pick out the cards we want to send with them. She reacted poorly to say the least, telling me that she already had, and that the only reason we had to do this was because of my mom, and that the date(march 1) that we are going to send the save-the-dates out was just an arbitrary number produced by my mom. It was frustrating.

It all sort of culminated today when the three of us were standing around (I work in a family run business so we were at my work), and my mom said “I'm going to put some pressure on you guys, we need to get these save the dates out!” and my girlfriend looked at her and said “I'm going to go” and walked away without speaking to either of us. It’s sort of hard to convey someone’s tone in text, but her tone was such that I was mortified. I felt like it was not only rude, but once again contemptuous and ungrateful. I waited about 10 minutes and apologized to my mom for what happened. She told me not to worry about it, and that she felt badly for me for being put in that awkward situation.

So here’s my dilemma. The obvious answer would be to sit down and talk with my girlfriend about it, come to some sort of resolution, and carry on. the problem is, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells about the wedding stuff around her, so it’s already difficult to talk about it. Plus, and bear with me on this one ladies, I don’t want to “condone” this type of behavior. I know I'm not in a position to dictate her behavior, but I don’t want to give her the impression that I'm ok with treating my family like this by me simply saying “well what do you want to do?” and doing whatever it is she wants. That’s pretty much how I react to any other problems we have in our relationship, but since this is our wedding and sortof the deal-sealer, I don’t really want to do that here. As I mentioned, this would be my first, and hopefully only, wedding. It’s sort of a big deal to me, and I have let her know that my mom paying for it is sort of a godsend because we wouldn’t be having a wedding otherwise…

I’ll end by saying I have talked to her about everything I put in here, with the exception of what happened today. I try to communicate my feelings with her, but generally get met with a “my way or the highway” reaction. So any advice on how to proceed? I just cant help but think of what my dad says about his first marriage. "it didn't feel like it should."

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This is precisely the reason my girlfriend and I have decided that, were we to get married, we alone will be the ones financing it. If that means we have to rent a room at the Holiday Inn to be able to afford an open bar, so be it.

 

Your fiancee has to get a grip. Nothing in the world is free, and if you wanna dip your hand into someone else's purse, you better believe they're more often than not going to want to have a significant say in what you do with the cash you pull out.

 

Personally, I would be completely put off... borderline disgusted with this behavior. Unless your mom financing this is something that you've pushed, she has no reason to do much else than smile and nod.

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This is who she is. And I would think long and hard as to why her other 2 marriages ended before I signed up for a lifetime with her.

 

This exactly! I would not be inclined to make a lifetime commitment to a headstrong, "my way or the highway" partner with two kids and two failed marriages who is rude to my family.

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Reminds me of my first marriage. My ex wife's mom offered to pay for everything. Of course, there were strings attached.

What my mom told me and I realized quickly as I was contemplating it is that the only thing that is important is that the two of you make it to the church on time and have a wonderful wedding. Don't worry about what mom wants, just grin and bear. For example, I didn't care about an open bar at the reception, but my ex wife's mother did. No big deal. What I cared about is that we got to take some photos at a nearby park after the wedding ceremony. This absolutely happened!

Sounds like your fiancé is focusing on the small stuff. You need to have a conversation with her and figure out what she wants the ceremony to be and not to be. You run the interference on everything else. You need to remind your fiancé this is your first and last wedding and you want it to be wonderful!

 

It does sound like she doesn't feel she is getting a say in her own wedding. You are going to have to work that angle to get her to buy back in.

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Sounds like she is totally not into the whole big wedding round #3 and being completely resentful about it, including having to deal with what your mom wants, the work and duties involved, etc. Also, instead of communicating that to you, she is just angry and lashing out, both at you and your mom. Very passive aggressive type behavior.

 

Regardless, this is where you are going to have to sit down and have a serious conversation with her along the lines of either she needs to come clean about how she really feels about this wedding stuff or she better adjust her attitude toward you and your family or there won't be any wedding or future together at all. As others have pointed out, you just might be starting to see exactly why she is twice divorced and will likely end up thrice divorced. It's all good and wonderful for you to hope that this is your one and only, unfortunately your choice of mate's history indicates otherwise....In that vein, you probably need to consider just how much of her bad behavior you are ignoring a la rose colored glasses effect. I mean it didn't really hit you how rude she was being until her own daughter pointed it out. Maybe take a step back and start paying attention because you are not going to change or her tell her how it's going to be in your relationship. She is a grown woman. It's not going to happen. If you don't like who you see, you might want to consider canceling or postponing that wedding.

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3rd marriage.....yeah ok.

 

Proceed with caution.

I'd have a real problem if my bf would treat my family this way.

A decent amount of respect. .plus your mom is paying for the wedding... how about being a little more grateful.

Mother in laws can sometimes be a pain in the butt but the way she's acting and taking it out on you, not cool.

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I don't mean to tell you what to do, but since you wanted an umbiased stranger's (and woman's) opinion, I will kinda tell you what to do lol I think you might want to reconsider marrying this woman. It's not even about the wedding and this particular situation, but people's behaviours in various situations are a very good indicator of their views and values, as well as their future behaviour. I'm already seeing some red flags in your post, which I think you're actually partially unaware of.

 

You said your fiance always gives a "my way or the highway" response and your way to deal with it is always saying "What do YOU want to do?" to her. Last time I checked, there are two people in a relationship, not just one (unless you're poly etc. lol). This is not all about your fiance but seems like that's how it goes in your relationship. She seems very inconsiderate of anyone's feelings or opinions but her own. If you want to be a doormat forever, by all means, proceed with this marriage....

 

I think the way your fiance is acting towards your mother is appalling. Weddings are extremely expensive and it looks like she wants to use your mother to cough up the money, but yet is furious that your mother is actually involved in planning the wedding. On the one hand I do see that it may be annoying when it's someone's wedding, but someone else except for the bride and groom is involved. I think brides in particular love planning their wedding and I can see how someone else giving their input and making decisions about it can be annoying. However, there is no way your mother can be excluded from the wedding planning because she obviously needs to know how much everything costs and pay all the bills and make all the financial arrangements. Your fiance can't just expect to choose everything herself and at the end just present your mother with the bill, that's just not fair.

 

Maybe your mother is trying to get a bit more involved than she should be, but I'm guessing it's just from happiness and excitement of her son getting married. One time I had to ask my Mum to borrow some money to go on a trip and she pretty much ended up taking over all my trip planning. I found it annoying as well but I knew she meant well and wanted me to have a good holiday. Plus she was paying for some of my trip so I didn't argue with her and make her feel bad.

 

Your fiance is being beyond rude to your Mum, the walking out thing as extremely catty and immature. And after you talked to her about her behaviour so many times and even your Mother was happy to swallow her pride on this, your fiance is still being very rude and selfish. And, yes, very ungrateful. If she's annoyed at your Mum, in the very least she could talk to her politely. This behaviour is very disrespectful. And your Mum is not only paying for your wedding, but she is your fiance's family now. If she's treating your Mum like this now, what's coming later once you're already married? And the fact that her 13-year-old daughter realises it's rude and your fiance herself doesn't think so - appalling! A 13-year-old has more maturity than her.

 

I would seriously re-think actually marrying this woman, but that's just me....

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I think it was nice of your mom to offer to pay but that doesn't or shouldn't mean she gets to make every decision. It is your wedding and your gf should have a say in it IMO but putting your mom and partner too closely together was a bad idea. Most people will have these clashes from time to time with in laws if they are forced to spend too much time with them

 

I do see red flags though. You are husband number 3.

why does she have such a bad track record? Does that worry you

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I think it was nice of your mom to offer to pay but that doesn't or shouldn't mean she gets to make every decision.

 

The thing is what you or the fiance do not understand is that it does mean that. If you don't like it, it is simple pay for your own wedding.

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I do see red flags though. You are husband number 3.

why does she have such a bad track record? Does that worry you

 

I think that this is a mean spirited thing to say. We have no way of knowing the circumstances around how these marriages concluded themselves. We put way too much value on length of time as a measure of a successful relationship. You can have a long and unhappy marriage or you could have a short but successful for the time they were together. We do grow and change, and not always closer together but sometimes apart. The fiance could have matured and be a more grounded person now than when she first got married. Every relationship is different, and this marriage will be different.

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The fiance could have matured and be a more grounded person now than when she first got married.

 

This doesn't sound like she's mature or grounded:

 

"It all sort of culminated today when the three of us were standing around (I work in a family run business so we were at my work), and my mom said “I'm going to put some pressure on you guys, we need to get these save the dates out!” and my girlfriend looked at her and said “I'm going to go” and walked away without speaking to either of us."

 

That's just straight-up bad behavior. A child shouldn't even behave that way.

She is being rude.

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Consider this a preview of your entire life with this woman. Also consider it the answer why you're now marriage number three, not one, not two, but three.

 

I wouldn't even give this woman the time of day, and I am a woman, but she sounds a total nightmare. And no, this is not just "marriage nerves" this is her unbending "How dare you do anything, but bow and meekly whisper "Yes, Dear" while I run over the top of you and control your every single move with an iron fist." Be prepared to say goodbye to all your friends and family and any free time or enjoyment, 'cause I can feel this one sucking the life out of the room from here.

 

Why you haven't already told her that there will be no wedding, and headed for the hills is beyond me. It really, truly is. At least get a damn prenup, so she won't take you to the cleaners when you finally do decide you should just do what the other two fellows did and leave. As a woman I am telling you there is zero excuse for her behavior and zero excuse for you putting up with it. And you need to stop walking on eggshells and tell her that her behavior is not acceptable now or ever. I'm kind of serious about that, if you have to walk on eggshells either break them now before you put a ring on it, or forever live with that as your life.

 

P.S. It's nice your mom is paying for the wedding, but IF you're going to go through with this lunacy you need to sit her and your fiance down and tell them both, "We need to talk, this back and forth needs to end, I'm tired of being caught in the middle so we all make a plan here and now and we don't deviate. Understood?" And you tell your fiancee she either graciously accepts your mom's input and plans or she ponies up half the money. Personally though, this is why I would pay for a wedding as a couple and leave relatives out of it. Your mom has one vision, your fiancee has another one, I presume you have a third. You need to either come to a consensus as adults or work something else out.

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