Question on Trust

While I have been pursing some issues of my own on an LDR, I ended up talking to a friend/acquaintance who I did not know was in an LDR until I spoke of mine.

He and the woman involved are very different types of people than myself an my GF.

However I thought what he said was interesting and thought I would throw out what he is going through, my opinions and see what the opinion of some of the forum members are.

He lives in the Dallas area and is younger than I am (he is 55 years old) and the female (she is 38 years old) he met online (I think Match) and the female lives in Toronto.

They have been communicating almost daily and seeing each other about once every 6 weeks for about 10 months.

He told me that out of frustration, he had posted on Match, different photographs than himself and had moved his age south to 40 yrs. (in general if you are going to meet a person that does not make common sense to me, but be that as it may).

They seem to have a great relationship from what I hear, however at various times she will come up and say that she has trust issues from how they first met and his "phony" profile, even though she knew different in the beginning (he tells me she has said this), but felt some sort of intense connection.(until he became straight with her)and continued the communication and get togethers.

I told him that I understand her viewpoint in the beginning, but for her to engage in a 10 month relationship, be loyal to him and then engage in past trust issues at different times, that I feel if she had a real problem with that, she should have never started the relationship and once she did and went past a certain point and found that she loved him (or what ever she feels- I have never spoken to her), that ended up constituting acceptance of him, including a past in the beginning that apparently has not been breached since then. Further that to throw that up at various times for whatever reason, seems more out of retribution or using that as an excuse from sharing real intimacy and building a future together and that if that continued, I for one, would not let the situation stay static and either move on or perhaps they could have couple's therapy, but being an LDR that makes it difficult. He said he asked her when this would stop and she said it could be months or years and I told him that the only thing he could do was not to violate trust ever again, be the best he can be and be consistent.

I am curious as to what the rest of the forum might say about this and understand there can be certain differences on these issues between males and females- up to a point.

Appreciate your opinions.

Thanks

T

He pulled a bait and switch...to attract her. It speaks to his character, trustworthiness and well, lack of self esteem.

She met him and they started a romance. But this little voice in her head keeps saying "if that is the foundation on which we build, what kind of person am I really with".

I would expect this will crash and burn. Therapy won't cure him. Trust is a pillar on which relationships are built. His is questionable.

He pulled a bait and switch...to attract her. It speaks to his character, trustworthiness and well, lack of self esteem.

 

She met him and they started a romance. But this little voice in her head keeps saying "if that is the foundation on which we build, what kind of person am I really with".

 

I would expect this will crash and burn. Therapy won't cure him. Trust is a pillar on which relationships are built. His is questionable.

Makes sense to some degree, but I would wonder why she would continue to engage in the relationship? My advice to him was to either get her beyond that or leave it before it became really painful. My "impression" is that she pulls this out as a "weapon" whenever that have disagreements (although i don't get the impression that they are, by nature fighters). Perhaps it relates to her past, as well, although I do not know her at all and have no idea.

He did tell me when I asked about why he did it, je indicated beyond age and photograph, everything else was the same and he had become frustrated with older women who might well be in retirement homes contacting him and that by changing age and photo- the responses poured in (which also could speak to the shallowness of people he was attracting or those, in general, in online dating, as well).

I think he needs to indicate this has gone far enough and that is she wants to use it as a convenient sword- then find another target or find out what he could do to put an end to be stabbed. He does indicate that she tells him and acts like she is quite in love with him.

I think they need to figure a solution or put an end to what could be an everlasting weapon.

T

Because she is lonely; because he offers a distraction.

She pulls it as a weapon because he handed her the gun!

I think this speaks far more to the shallowness of your friend than it does to the women he attracts.

And I agree ---- If she is in love with him and wants to continue, she needs to put the sword away.

Because she is lonely; because he offers a distraction.

She pulls it as a weapon because he handed her the gun!

 

I think this speaks far more to the shallowness of your friend than it does to the women he attracts.

 

And I agree ---- If she is in love with him and wants to continue, she needs to put the sword away.

However it is not unusual for likeliness to attract and I have a feeling that both may be shallow at certain points.

Like attracts like is again, a gross generalization. Not a rule or a law.

SHE hasn't proven she is untrustworthy. He has.

If she is attracted to his looks and personality, in time she may forget he based it all on a lie. But it will take time.

You never get a second chance at a first impression. His digital self didn't match reality. That says A LOT about him.

Like attracts like is again, a gross generalization. Not a rule or a law.

 

SHE hasn't proven she is untrustworthy. He has.

If she is attracted to his looks and personality, in time she may forget he based it all on a lie. But it will take time.

 

You never get a second chance at a first impression. His digital self didn't match reality. That says A LOT about him.

I do not know if she has or not- however this is much blame to go around and I give him the higher percentage, but once she agreed to have an exclusive LDR-There has to come a time to live in the future, especially when she apparently loved what was at the end the tunnel- Just my opinion.

T

I don't think she should be able to bring this issue up forever either.

However, TRUST is a major component and if he lied "out of the gate" to get her, I would suspect that lies are not that big a deal to him and would be wary if I were her.

She could keep the "weapon" holstered and her mouth silent ---- but he will never be the a man she trusts 100%. And he chose that.

I don't think she should be able to bring this issue up forever either.

 

However, TRUST is a major component and if he lied "out of the gate" to get her, I would suspect that lies are not that big a deal to him and would be wary if I were her.

 

She could keep the "weapon" holstered and her mouth silent ---- but he will never be the a man she trusts 100%. And he chose that.

Well I am not sure about out of the gate and down the whole racetrack. During their communication- he reveled this to her long before they first met and it was her choice to go on and go further.

For me, it would have probably been a deal breaker- but then I had 2 women some 25 years ago that dated me only to make another person jealous enough to marry them- of course, neither of those marriages made it past the 1.5 year mark.

I think that both of them are needy- he is a neurosurgeon - so it is not like he is lacking in many things. I actually think he did this in the beginning trying to prove something to himself about the shallowness of women and then this just happen in an unexpected way. My only comment on no one's behalf, is that Dallas has got to be one of the most pop-culture cities in the country and most of the women here act like they are on daytime TV.

T

Well ---- it is what it is. She's a diva and he's a lying doctor.

Well ---- it is what it is. She's a diva and he's a lying doctor.

agree I do!