Age Gap Misery

Hi all,

I've just had to break up with my boyfriend of 2 years as I couldn't find the courage to open up to my parents about our relationship and my friends weren't accepting it. We had an age gap of 13 years and I'm in my early 20s so I think people judged us more harshly.

I'm heart broken, I really do love this guy but I can't ever see him gelling into my life the way someone younger might and my family are so important to me and play a huge role in my life.

I know I'm young but is this really the right path when we're both so upset?

I can't ever see him gelling into my life the way someone younger might.

Given that after spending 2 years together you still felt that he didn't fit into your life, I think that you made the right choice. Relationships at your age are about finding out what feels right and what not. Most of them are not meant to last forever. After 2 years, this relationship STILL didn't feel right to you. I think that was a valid reason to break up. Being upset is only natural. Breaking up after a long-term relationship is bound to be upsetting.

Age gaps matter less and less the older you get, but if it's been two years and you still feel self-conscious then no it's not going to work.

The major age gap relationships I've seen work were typically with older people, myself included, as my husband is over a decade older than I am but hey at 59 that's not as big a deal as it is when you're 20 and they're in their 30s. OR they work with people who simply don't care who judges them, what they think, whether family and friends are cool with it or not.

If that's not you then that's not you and no, it won't work out simply because for you it is a problem.

Age gaps matter less and less the older you get, but if it's been two years and you still feel self-conscious then no it's not going to work.

 

The major age gap relationships I've seen work were typically with older people, myself included, as my husband is over a decade older than I am but hey at 59 that's not as big a deal as it is when you're 20 and they're in their 30s. OR they work with people who simply don't care who judges them, what they think, whether family and friends are cool with it or not.

 

If that's not you then that's not you and no, it won't work out simply because for you it is a problem.

I agree with her, but believe me, I know it sucks.

I am going through having to end seeing a much younger man--for different reasons--mainly because I want a more serious committed rel'ship with him, and we both agree it's not sustainable. But still, I know how you are feeling. You love him but, the world being the way it is, you're kind of doomed. It sucks. Probably worse than any breakup I've ever been in.

13 years gap? Ask to D*ck Van D*ike . He married a woman 50 years younger

Age gaps don't bother me really, I'm quite happy to date a woman in her mid-thirties (I'm 27) as long as she doesn't have children. I can see why someone in their early twenties would want to date someone in their age range and that's because someone 13 years older is at a different stage in life, they have experienced the things you experienced 13 years earlier. They are likely to want different things from a relationship. They're like to know what they want where as someone your age probably doesn't.

It's a good thing that you were able to come to a conclusion about what you want, where you are and what you need to do to get where you want to be, that shows maturity, that shows that you are a person with their feet firmly planted on the ground. These are things I wish I had in my early twenties.

I dated older men for years and yeah, it's hard to integrate into your life. My longest relationship with an older guy was with a guy almost 40 years my senior, we were together for years. I ended up telling my father and he was weirded out but supportive (my boyfriend at the time was older than he was). My mother never found out and never will because I knew she'd freak. We both had relationships with much, much older men without telling our families so I guess I'm kind of like my mom in that. Maybe it will be a funny tale I'll tell when she's really, really old.

Anyway, yes, it can be hard to integrate into your life. I think it gets easier with age though, gaps tend not to mean quite as much the older you get. There are risks but if you are okay with them, then it's okay. I'm sorry this happened to you though.

Ruby:

"I know I'm young but is this really the right path when we're both so upset?"

In my view it is NOT a big age difference. If this is the man you love then why do "friends" (some friends!!) criticism have anything to do with anything.

What makes you think your parents might go ballistic if you told them? And as for "people", who are "people" anyhow.

Stand up for yourself.

And btw, an older man to me would mean a man 25, 30 or 40 years older than me......

AUCH!!! I noticed that the automatic censor banned 2 of the 3 words of the actor's name. What a nonsense

Re-read, Lam. I wonder why LOL.

A known a singer from here (Horacio Guaraní) wanted to marry a 40 years younger woman. A friend of him was trying to get his reflection, and told him: ‘Think about it Horacio. 10 years later you’ll be 90 and she 50’. He answered: ‘what is the matter? Women in their 50’s are still good enough’

A known singer from here (Horacio Guaraní) wanted to marry a 40 years younger woman. A friend of him was trying to get his reflection, and told him: ‘Think about it Horacio. 10 years later you’ll be 90 and she 50’. He answered: ‘what is the matter? Women in their 50’s are still good enough’

I find age gaps that large absolutely disgusting.

I find age gaps that large absolutely disgusting.

As someone who was in such a relationship for a while, it's really not that much different than any other relationship in terms of the people being together. Just looks a little funny, that's all. Romance, dates, all of that stuff is pretty much the same.

But if someone enjoys it and is okay with the risks (being a widow/widower early in life), hey, that's fine.

As someone who was in such a relationship for a while, it's really not that much different than any other relationship in terms of the people being together. Just looks a little funny, that's all. Romance, dates, all of that stuff is pretty much the same.

 

But if someone enjoys it and is okay with the risks (being a widow/widower early in life), hey, that's fine.

I'm just expressing my opinion, what you or anyone else does in their private life is none of my business, I am far too busy worried about my own life to care about delve into the depths of anyone else's.

There is no accounting for tastes, and, nothing in this world is written in stone......

Yes, 40 years is indeed quite a gap......

As someone who was in such a relationship for a while, it's really not that much different than any other relationship in terms of the people being together. Just looks a little funny, that's all. Romance, dates, all of that stuff is pretty much the same.

 

But if someone enjoys it and is okay with the risks (being a widow/widower early in life), hey, that's fine.

Nail on the head.

You describe very well what I often refer to as "ageism". It's all around. People heavily judging and criticising other people because they look weird.

All kinds of unlikely people get together, different cultures, different religions/lack of religion, but two people of a massive age gap and it looks weird. And anyone who bangs on about "stages of life" quite frankly, well I would question. I think in a lot of ways, the coming together of two people indicates that in certain dimensions, they are at the same stage of life. Everyone bangs on about materialistic stuff like career and mortgage and all that rubbish, it's not about that at all. It's a "spiritual" thing if you like (I don't buy into spirituality but I use the word for the benefit of those of you that do).

Face it. It's because it looks weird. Nothing else. There are no other valid reasons you can give.

I do expect a barrage of objection for this, but y'know. I don't really care. Say what you want. I've seen too many successful age gap couples in my life to criticise it anymore.

I find age gaps that large absolutely disgusting.

Not questioning your right to feel this way, or criticising it, just interested - to me it seems like you talk as if the 50 year old woman is somehow being duped, or is not in control of her faculties, or is being taken advantage of. No? Whereas you realise it's the old guy that'll probably get hurt here, or die with a smile on his face.

What do you mean disgusting? Morally? Visually?

Just interested. I promise not to argue with you if you tell me.