Finding Love Again After Heartbreak- is it possible?

Hey guys- kind of just need to vent here. But I'm also hoping someone has been through something similar or can relate.

I'm slowly but surely accepting that my ex and I will never be together. I really believed he was the one. I held on to that for so long after the BU because I "had a gut feeling". He put me through hell, and I've shut that door and am coming to terms with it.

I've done anything anyone would tell you to do to heal after a breakup. I've worked on myself, picked up hobbies, focused on work, traveled, built my social life back up etc. I gave myself some time to heal and have dated a LOT since. I've tried everything: online dating meeting people out, having friends set me up. I've tried to be open minded and have dated guys who are way outside of my type, just to give it a shot. Out of all the dates I've been on, there was only one guy who I actually liked and could see myself going out with again. For whatever reason, not sure what happened, but I just don't think he was interested. The ONE time I actually liked someone, and it didn't pan out. Funny, huh? Every single other date I've been on, I haven't wanted to see him again. This has been going on for far too long, and I'm honestly starting to get the feeling that it's just not going to happen for me. Not everyone ends up with someone, and maybe I'm just one of those people. I had love once, it didn't work out- and maybe that was it for me.

It's frustrating because I don't know what more I can do. Everyone always says the same crap- "just stay positive" or "you're a catch, the right guy is out there" or "you'll find someone when you least expect it". I'm so tired of hearing those cliches. It's been almost 3 years. How much longer can I keep doing this? It's just been bad date after bad date after bad date.....It's really difficult to stay positive when I can't even see a light at the end of the tunnel. Not even a little glimmer. At this point I'm just hopeless and defeated.

Yes I understand I have to love myself first and that I shouldn't revolve my happiness around having a SO. That's not the case here. I have a very good sense of who I am. Every other aspect of my life is in place right now, and the only missing piece is my love life. I miss having a bf and someone to share my life with. After everything I've been through these last few years, I truly feel like finding love again just isn't in the cards for me. Is it possible even when it seems so unlikely?

I don't know how to keep carrying on or how to get through this. Would love some advice or words of encouragement. Thanks xx

Hang in there. Unfortunately when getting through heartbreak sometimes just when you're ready to give up, that's when things change. You are doing the right things, so keep at it and you really will see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Here's the thing though, you can't throw yourself into all the things you threw yourself into JUST to heal yourself...you start off that way, but you have to actually to enjoy the things you do. And you likely do, but make sure you do things you like cause you want. And if you have a day you need to wallow...wallow.

Second, I am sure you have heard this, but the more you want a SO, the more elusive it will be...but let's be honest, that's what everyone wants a connection. Hang in there, I get the feeling that you are just on the cusp of breaking through and getting what you've been looking for, just don't give up on what you're doing, you're on the right track.

You sound like you are trying to hard. Maybe you just need to take a break. Focus on just being you. Perhaps, you are quite ready to let go. It's hard. The pieces you leave behind are missed. At 7 months, I still miss mine. I have handled it as good as I am able. I just keep moving forward to the day I am truly free.

"Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure." -G. Woodberry

One thing is for sure, if you're not out there and open to it, you'll never find romance again. - Me

I understand how frustrated you might feel about the cliches that are bandied about -- "you have to love yourself first", "keep working on yourself", "stay busy." Sure there's truth to it, but I haven't met anyone who doesn't doubt or question themselves sometimes - or even come up against the same issues of self-judgment over and over, even after they cowboy up and try and work through it yet again. Just seems to be part of the human condition.

My advice is to stop trying so hard and just be. Do what you do and be in acceptance of it all - whatever may come - rather than trying to make it happen or getting upset that it hasn't. Your belief in the 'missing piece' in your life is creating more lack - that's the energy behind it. If you can try and get to a place of it being okay just as it is, I think you will find relief.

For me when I get into a never-ending head-spin loop of the future or the past, I try and meditate. While I often resist before I actually do it ("I don't want to meditate blah wahhh I don't have time"), I'm always glad I did. It really does help ground you into the moment.

Jex, I went through some of your forum history... I see that you have only now stopped talking to your ex last month, even though you broke up a couple years ago. Is that true? And I see quite a bit of post from you mentioning that you weren't really over him and things. You started a whole thread about it actually last month how you aren't over him and things:

Now yes; some of us have bad luck in dating and finding someone. However, in your scenario, it sounds to me maybe you've been holding onto this ex too much and that is the cause for your failed dating game. You're holding onto this ex too much and you're not truly over him. And to me, it sounds like you aren't ready to fall in love so much as you are trying to find someone to help you get over your ex. You are finding someone just to "move on with life" and you're not trying to let things happen naturally. That's just not the right way to go about the game. Us men aren't stupid. I can read it on a women's face when there is more going on than a pretty face. An ex, a secret, a bad relationship. We know. What you have to do with your life is truly get over this ex. You have to cut him out of your life. The past is the past. You don't owe him anything; you don't owe him friendship, you don't need to communicate with him. Block him out of your life and take a stand for yourself. Block his number, his Facebook, Instagram, any means you have that you communicate with him through. You have to stick to "no contact" no matter how hard it is in the beginning. A lot of people think they can be friends with an ex when most can't. Friendship is a relationship of it's own, and it's imbalanced when there is heartache in the middle.

I promise you... the longer you go without having any communication with him, the better things will become. Tell me, do you think the right guy would really cause you two and a half years of pain and heartache? I think not. He's obviously not the right one and never will be. You're holding onto a false hope maybe that something will happen again. You need to knock it off and suck it up. And there are better guys out there looking hard for someone else (like myself) that are probably far better than this loser that things didn't work out with. But we don't want to date people that aren't over their ex lovers.

After that, yes, it's stupid, and you said you've tried it but I don't think you have; you need to learn to be happy again without him. Men want someone that is happy and ready to fall in love again, not someone that is mopey about a relationship from two years ago. Yes break ups are hard. Sometimes you never forget about the pain but things can become better. But you owe it to yourself to try to be happy again and you can really only do that when you cut this ex out of your life entirely. I'm sure things will workout someday for you when you turn your life around and truly move on from him. Good luck.

I can certainly identify with this feeling, but I haven't been single as long as you. But I would suggest that you may being trying too hard. If you go out for every date looking to see if theory will be your forever person, you are subconsciously placing a hurdle in the way and are more likely to be critical of tiny things. If you think back to other good relationships you've been in, chances are there were things you may not have liked about them at first but as you get to know them, you accept them and even learn to like them. I do think we give off what we are feeling and perhaps people are picking up on your desire to find someone. Desperation is the wrong word, but you know what I mean.

The thing to note is you've had a lot of dates, therefore you are desirable. That is a positive. Next time you go on a date, try the mindset of 'I am not expecting anything from this date, maybe it won't go anywhere, but it's still adding to my experience and learning and it's leading me closer to the person I'm supposed to be with'.

Truth is no one can be guaranteed they'll find their forever person, you never know what life will give you and that is scary. It terrifies me. But all you can do is go with the ride and make sure you make the most of every opportunity. Maybe you'll meet him online, or through a blind date or maybe you'll meet him buying toilet roll in he supermarket.. You never know. But I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world.

Thanks everyone. I REALLY appreciate the words and advice. You guys are great.

@skern- Thanks for what you wrote. It means a lot. I hope you're right and that I'm on my way to where/what I want.

@movingforward- I don't think I'm trying tooo hard. But perhaps I do need a break. Hang in there too, it definitely is hard.

@kevinm- Lol i'm out there! Definitely open to it, just haven't found it quite yet

@sophie- I guess you are right. I do put a lot of pressure on myself. It's so hard not to though. I just really miss having someone and being a gf. It's been a really long time for me. I'm trying to just let things fall into place naturally, but it's tough.

@musicman- Thanks for reading back on my thread. Not sure how far you read, but I did block him completely a month ago. While he was in my life after the BU, I don't necessarily think it hindered me from finding love. I think if the right guy came along, I would 100% pursue something. Prior to last month, I had blocked him for almost a year- and still no change in my luck with dating. So I don't think it's him per say, but who knows. But you're right, anyone who causes me so much pain is not the right man for me.

@lost- I definitely do that with dating where I look at this person as a potential "forever" -which is not the right mindset at all. I just feel like I'm at a place in my life where I am ready to settle down. Whenever I want something in life, I do what I have to do to get it. This is the one thing that I want so much and no matter what I do, I can't make it happen. I've been going back and forth about putting dating on the back burner and just let things happen organically- at least for a while. I just put too much pressure on everything and it's not fun anymore.

Thanks again everyone xx

The day you will heal is the day you see a life complete even with no one with you ... thats what I learned. I lost the mother of my 14 month child over reason I can't still process... and yet I have to move on.

The fact I can picture myself be complete even with no one else in my life is the only way I can manage

It can and does happen! when i broke up with my ex boyfriend of almost 8 years back in summer of 2014 i thought my life was completely over. i stalked these forums all the time, contacted him when i shouldn't, talked about him constantly, refused to accept it was over and was convinced he would be coming back. i finally grew tired of the on and off and the games and really focused on healing. i did everything you said you did to heal and it was really difficult. the hardest part was cutting him out completely. i dated a little while i was still in contact with the ex so everything was a comparison and i found it impossible to date and had no interest in any other guy. fortunately i finally cut the contact and gave up dating for about 6 months. people would try to set me up but i just focused on getting myself back together. my first date back was from a dating site and i had zero expectations. to my total surprise, i had the most amazing date of my life and it ended up working out. its been almost a year and I've never been happier. my relationship i have no is such a better one - i feel more confident and secure and don't have any of the issues i had with my ex. i thought my ex was the only one for me but i wouldnt trade my current boyfriend for anything.

the point of my rant is that all you can do is cut contact with your ex and do your best to move on and heal and at the right time when its meant to happen, you will meet the right person. all i can say is i was so confused by my break up and couldn't understand why it was happening to me, but now i understand the exact reason and im grateful for the experience and what i went through. hang in there, someone is out there for you! when the time is right im sure you will figure out who

My perspective is a little different. I think having a goal of being happy and connected with family and friends is of utmost importance. After my first breakup, I was focused on staying busy until I felt better and moved on to someone else. After my second breakup, I focused on actually being happy single. Not looking to find someone else. Not even thinking about healing from the breakup per se. Just trying to be happy - and for me that meant being purpose driven, meeting goals, and building relationships.

I don't find the whole "you'll find someone when you are not looking for it" helpful at all. It's still hinting at an external force as a way to make you feel whole. There are posters around here who had spent years being single, many years, to really get comfortable and happy being alone.

@Quidam- I honestly don't know if I can truly accept a life without having someone. That's one of my biggest fears right now, especially because that seems to be a very possibly reality.

@hopeful- Thanks so much for your post. I definitely needed to hear that because honestly, it's getting harder and harder to hang in there. I've cut contact with the ex and I've put myself out there so much but to no avail. I don't even have expectations anymore, because I've had nothing but bad experiences with dating since him. It's so comforting to hear your story, because I feel a lot like you did back then. I wish you all the best in your relationship. I just hope it happens for me one day too.

@MsDarcy- Definitely agreed about being happy and maintaining close family/friend relationships. That's one of the things that's so frustrating to me because I do have an amazing family and great friends (I've worked very hard to build my social life up after the BU). And I am very happy with all the aspects of my life except my love life- which unfortunately seems to take precedence over everything else.

I feel you! Although I have to say my breakup was quite recent, I also have the fear that I won't be able to find someone else. My social circles have narrowed and most of my friends are either attached, married or even have kids now. Maybe it's still too early for me to think about finding another partner, but I can't shake off the nagging feeling that I may not be able to find my soulmate to share my life with

I think the cliche sayings are still true to a certain extent, that we do have to love ourselves first before we can love others. Others can probably sense if we are truly happy with ourselves or if we have another motive in knowing them as well. Hard as it may be, focus on finding yourself first and good things will happen in due course. You sound like you're doing a really good job, hang in there and believe in yourself!

I can definitely relate to that nagging feeling of not finding someone. That's my daily struggle.

Definitely am hanging in there, even though it gets more and more difficult. It's been so long now that I've been on this road. I keep waiting and waiting and hoping for that little glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Just seems so hopeless at times. Best of luck to you as well. Hope you hang in there and stay strong!

It sounds like you've only been in NC for a short time, despite the relationship ending some time ago. This is of key importance; you have to be as clear of the person as you can to accelerate the healing process.

Ive been in your shoes. After my six year relationship ended, I was 33 and felt like my heart would never recover. I was also panicking about finding someone new. I dated, worked on myself, etc. and 10 months later I met someone and we stayed together for 1.5 years.

We recently split and im single again. Yes, again the panic is there and my heart is partially broken but im familiar with the process now. You will definitely love again but you must remove your ex from your life.

Others suggest loving yourself first and you have to be happy single. Yes, you need to find respect for yourself and try not to define yourself by who youre with but its okay to be unhappy single, just as long as you dont accept less than you deserve when it comes to finding a partner. Its a reality that life is best shared with others. Dont give up on finding someone; stay positive, be open to ppl and new things. That person might come into your life any day. Make yourself ready for when it happens.

Every single other date I've been on, I haven't wanted to see him again. This has been going on for far too long, and I'm honestly starting to get the feeling that it's just not going to happen for me. Not everyone ends up with someone, and maybe I'm just one of those people. I had love once, it didn't work out- and maybe that was it for me.

Nope, that's not it. Bottom line is you are not yet fully healed and your heart is not yet ready to let someone else in. If you've only just stopped speaking to your ex then you still haven't allowed yourself the opportunity to move on from him. You still have some work to do before you can let someone else in. You need to get to a place where you are happy by yourself and not be so dependent on someone else to make you happy.

It's been almost 3 years for me too (in a few days nonetheless). I've been on dates here and there. I've also been "involved" of sorts with three guys but I just haven't met that special person yet. It just ain't happening for me. It doesn't bother me. I am happy on my own. That's not to say I wouldn't like to be in a relationship but I'm not desperate to be in one. Don't let this overtake your life. Create your own happiness. The rest will follow when you are good and ready.

@Piccollo: Yes, currently it's only been about a month and a half of NC. He's completely blocked from my life now though. Even though it's only been 6-7 weeks, it feels like much longer. Leading up to me blocking him, we were in pretty light contact (with him reaching out a lot, and me hardly responding) because I just sensed what was coming. So mentally, I feel ahead of just 6 weeks NC.

Prior to me blocking him in Jan, we had a falling out and we were NC for almost a year (he was blocked fully for about 7-8 months). Even going through that long period of time away, things weren't any better for me- not in terms of getting completely over him or in dating. It just seems like no matter what I do, there's no change. I definitely have a lot of self love, and I really do have a lot going for me. I just want someone to share it with again. I feel like I'm okay emotionally where if someone worthy of dating was to come into the picture, I would be ready. But for some reason, I can't seem to find anyone of interest. All the guys I've gone out with are duds and all the guys I've started to get to know and HAVE been interested in seeing (from online dating) just seem to ghost before we even go out. Idk what's happening anymore. I've never in my life had these problems before!

@Blue: I definitely agree that I'm not fully healed, but I do feel like I'm in an okay place to date (but I could be 100% wrong). Not that I necessarily have to be a relationship tomorrow (not looking to rush into anything), but even to go out with someone who I connect with and take things slow would be SO nice. It just feels like even THAT is too much to ask for. I've been carrying on and keeping my life going- I really do have it all together other than my love life. It's just not happening for me. Everyone always tells me that it will happen, that I'm a catch, there's someone out there for me, and I really hope they're right. But it's not seeming to be the case.

I'm trying not to put so much pressure on myself because it's not helping either way. I'm working on accepting that it's very probable that I am going to end up alone and that's just what it is. It's SO depressing to think about though. How do you get to a point where you can genuinely be happy with that outcome?