Ex apologized for being so "harsh"

So I posted about a week ago about me going back and forth for one year with my ex, some of you might've read my story. I am a ruse work at an urgent care and he's a security guard. This morning when I walked in the unit I said good morning as courtesy. He texts me after my shift report and asks me if we can chat for a second

So I say okay. When I go see him I asked him what's up? He says "I want to apologize for being so blunt, or harsh the last time I texted you"

I said it's okay. You said what you felt back then, people say what they feel.

So then he says "I was wondering if you don't have any plans this Valentine's Day if you'd like to go for dinner, just to talk... By the way I've been looking at your posts don't judge me"

I said I'm working that day. He asked if I was working day or night, so I said day. He then asks if I'd like to go afterwards. I said I have to check if my ex will watch the kids, I'll let you know.

He then texted me that it was gonna be our anniversary on the 13th... Last year was our first date. I was just like nonchalant about it... I

know I give in too quick but I don't have any hopes of anything.

I know the best thing to do is to is say No thank you, but he didn't ask me for anything just dinner. I'm still kind of into him. And honestly I knew he would come back and tell me he's sorry... I just don't have the courage to say no.

Any ideas of what I can say to him??

NO!!!!!!! You know how this will end.

Oh my goodness woman. I just read your back story and I have to ask, ARE YOU INSANE????

This has disaster written all over it. Run far, run fast and try and get your head straight. For the sake of your emotional well being and your kids, take a pass on this.

In your other post you said you were on/off for one year. Nothing has changed, he is just trying to pull you back in, and you'll be "on" for a while and then "off" again...even more time of your life wasted, like a year wasn't enough! You need to break this unfortunate pattern at some point, or you'll be spending more years being at this guy's disposal to do with you as he pleases, because he knows you are unable to say no to him.

I know the temptation to spend Valentine's with him will be way too big and will seem like a much more appealing thing to do than stay home and mope, so I am sure you'll fall for it, but I figure I should still voice my opinion, maybe it will sink in if not now, then maybe the next time he decides to play yo-yo with you.

You sound like a nice lady. Really though... You need to learn how to say "No!"

It will save you a lot of trouble, grief and future problems once you do.

It's not about whether or not you're going to make the other person feel bad if you say no. It's about doing what you REALLY want to do when someone asks you for something that you don't really want to do.

This guy is obviously more interested in you than you are in him. So if you really like honesty... then be honest with yourself.

An ex does not deserve valentine's day. Find an old friend, roommate, or a good book. All better options than being with an ex.

I read your backstory too. This is just the same routine with this guy. On off, on off, on off. He isn't ready to commit and you really need to take a break from men altogether and heal. You were married for 10 years, cheated on your husband with him and then your X found out and that was the end of your marriage. Im not judging, but saying, time out! You need to figure out why your marriage didn't work, why you cheated and then work on your self esteem.

Really, your kids deserve a healthy mom first. Then once you feel ready, date again. Find a MAN that can be there for you, not play games and use you for sex, and then dump you cause he can't commit. You said he is younger then you, so makes sense he wouldn't be ready for a family at his age.

Im sure you don't want to be alone for Valentines, but go out with your girlfriends and have fun or spend time with your boys. Valentines is a silly day anyway. If you love someone hopefully you show it all year and not just on VD.

Any ideas of what I can say to him??

"Good riddance"

Sounds like if you want some no string hot sex, you are all set. Otherwise, you are busy washing your hair.

Thank you all for your advice. I don't understand why he acts this way. He just sent me another message telling me "your "sh*t" I mean "stuff" is still here", in his car. So I asked him to bring it to me tonight but he responded with "nope, throwing it out"

I'm like what the heck ?? Why would you apologize to me for being "harsh" and continue to act like an a**?? It completely threw me off. Now I feel very anxious, I hate it. It's an emotional roller coaster every time I have to deal with him.

I haven't even said yes to going with him on Valentine's and he is acting like an a**

It is very heart wrecking. I'm gonna tell him no I can't go with him because he's still being an a** to me even after saying sorry.

Why the hell do people hurt you when all you do is be nice to them??

Can you for once let your emotion off the table and just think about your kids?

This will never end unless/until you decide you've had enough. Unfortunately you're playing right into his hands, which you're fully aware of.

No offense, but you're your own worst enemy...

He acts like a jerko because he can. Because you keep taking him back no matter how horribly he treats you. Because you reward his awful behavior with an "I love you". And maybe even sex.

If you hate the way he treats you when he's being mean, then you have to end it once and for all. Because you know he'll alternate between being nice and being his true jerky self.

Kind of good that his true jerky self revealed itself before you accepted his invitation. Gave you that slap upside the head that you just maybe needed.

Thank you all for your advice. I don't understand why he acts this way. He just sent me another message telling me "your "sh*t" I mean "stuff" is still here", in his car. So I asked him to bring it to me tonight but he responded with "nope, throwing it out"I'm like what the heck ?? Why would you apologize to me for being "harsh" and continue to act like an a**?? It completely threw me off. Now I feel very anxious, I hate it. It's an emotional roller coaster every time I have to deal with him.

I haven't even said yes to going with him on Valentine's and he is acting like an a**

It is very heart wrecking. I'm gonna tell him no I can't go with him because he's still being an a** to me even after saying sorry.

Why the hell do people hurt you when all you do is be nice to them??

 

OMG why are you letting a man talk to you like this??? Throwing it out? Time for you to throw *him* out in the trash can where he belongs! This guy does not love you, I don't even think he likes you, and he most definitely doesn't respect you! After reading this post of yours, I KNOW he will not change, and you will be miserable for as long as you keep interacting with him in any capacity.

And, you're going the wrong way about saying no to him for Valentine's. Don't tell him that you won't go because he's been harsh even after apologizing, because by doing so you are giving him clues as to how he needs to pretend to be in order to draw you back in his dysfunctional web...tell him you won't go because you no longer want to have anything to do with him! Do you really want him to pretend to be "nice" for another week or 2, have sex with you again, only to revert back to his nasty self right after? Because this is what is going to happen.

Tell him you've moved on and are no longer interested in seeing him or talking to him, and then block him. No further explanations necessary.

 

You sound like such a nice, sweet person, I don't think you even realize how much better you can do! I am getting angry on your behalf here, my fingers itch to write him a reply myself lol (ok, only half joking here!). Joanna, please tell him where to go! He doesn't deserve you even looking his way, never mind crying and stressing over him! Do yourself a huge favor and end this disaster because it will never ever get better, and it will eat at your self esteem for a long time to come. You're way better off spending Valentine's with your kids, maybe having a friend over, or watching a movie, eating something good, anything is better than spending it with this dimwit.

OMG why are you letting a man talk to you like this??? Throwing it out? Time for you to throw *him* out in the trash can where he belongs! This guy does not love you, I don't even think he likes you, and he most definitely doesn't respect you! After reading this post of yours, I KNOW he will not change, and you will be miserable for as long as you keep interacting with him in any capacity.

And, you're going the wrong way about saying no to him for Valentine's. Don't tell him that you won't go because he's been harsh even after apologizing, because by doing so you are giving him clues as to how he needs to pretend to be in order to draw you back in his dysfunctional web...tell him you won't go because you no longer want to have anything to do with him! Do you really want him to pretend to be "nice" for another week or 2, have sex with you again, only to revert back to his nasty self right after? Because this is what is going to happen.

Tell him you've moved on and are no longer interested in seeing him or talking to him, and then block him. No further explanations necessary.

 

You sound like such a nice, sweet person, I don't think you even realize how much better you can do! I am getting angry on your behalf here, my fingers itch to write him a reply myself lol (ok, only half joking here!). Joanna, please tell him where to go! He doesn't deserve you even looking his way, never mind crying and stressing over him! Do yourself a huge favor and end this disaster because it will never ever get better, and it will eat at your self esteem for a long time to come. You're way better off spending Valentine's with your kids, maybe having a friend over, or watching a movie, eating something good, anything is better than spending it with this dimwit.

Thank you!

I know even listening to me is frustrating...

I know he's NO good for me. I'm so mad at myself. It's just hard for me to speak my mind, especially to him. I really need to work on my self esteem. I know this.

Please pray for me guys, I am going to decline his offer. I can't live with this anxiety for ever.

What are you afraid of, exactly?

Are you afraid of "making him mad"?

He's obviously not afraid at all of upsetting you.

Why the hell do people hurt you when all you do is be nice to them??

Because they see niceness as a weakness and know that the next time they act halfway nice to you, you'll let them hoover you back in and do it all again. You can keep picking up a scorpion my dear, and it'll just keep stinging you simply because it's a scorpion.

The guy likes to know he has control over you and once he's established that he likes to kick you figuratively just knowing he can do it again. When I first read your post my thought was, 'Yeah, he's going to kick her in the back of the head so to speak next, probably by planning something nice then never even showing and then denying he asked her out." But then I read on and I see he couldn't even wait to be nasty, he apparently thinks it's cool to do that now that he feels he's established dominance and control over you again.

Seriously, you need to grow some boundaries and next time he says he's sorry say, "Great, good to hear," then keep on going. If he tries to get you to stop and talk to him say, "I'm busy" and keep walking or go grab a colleague and ignore him. When he asks you to do something with him tell him, "Nope, not going there." And then you walk away. In short, you cut him off, then leave. And if he tries to stop you, you get your HR involved and your boss and you tell them he's scaring you and they need to get it handled. Because at that point he's creating a hostile work environment. (And can I just tell you how much I hate that this guy is a security guard? Like we all need someone like that to supposedly be keeping the peace in the workplace. Rolls eyes)

In short, stop being nice to the scorpion and wondering why it stings you. Niceness to other people only really counts if they appreciate it. If we could nice our way out of war and crime it'd already have been done. You cannot "nice" this guy into treating you right, ever, so why are you surprised? You need accept he does not play by your rules and doesn't have your standards, and not everyone in the world does. So you don't let those people into your life and you find the ones that do and those you keep.

P.S. I wouldn't even "decline his offer." Instead make other plans, don't say anything to the guy period, not good, not bad, just "I'm busy." Then make other plans for that night and just go out with friends. When or if he says anything then you tell him, "Nope, I made other plans." You do not need to defend, explain, listen, or even tell him why--he knows why--but as long as you keep talking to him he has in his mind some control.

And it really worries me this guy works with you. Can you go to HR and tell them what's going on and ask for some help in getting him to leave you alone? This actually sounds like borderline workplace harassment if you're actually afraid of this guy or what he might do.

Thank you!

I know even listening to me is frustrating...

I know he's NO good for me. I'm so mad at myself. It's just hard for me to speak my mind, especially to him. I really need to work on my self esteem. I know this.

Please pray for me guys, I am going to decline his offer. I can't live with this anxiety for ever.

You don't even have to speak your mind! He doesn't deserve an explanation, after the way he's treated you...plus, do you really think he doesn't know why you'd want to end this? He knows very well what he's done and how hurtful he's been, he is just enjoying the push-pull game and seeing you squirm, some people are sick like that... When he calls or messages you, just tell him sternly that you have other plans for Valentine's (no details), that he can bring your things to work or throw them away, his choice, and that you no longer wish to see him and talk to him, you two are over for good. If he asks why, just say "you know why" and end the conversation.

Don't get mad at yourself, get mad at him. I promise you that once you cut him off and manage to keep him away, your self esteem will bounce right back. Think of it as a stepping stone, once you cut this cancer out of your life, it means you're strong and you can do almost anything you set your mind to do.

You don't have to live with this anxiety, but it's in your hands to change it. Only you can do it, nobody can do it for you. The longer you let yourself stay hooked on this guy, the longer it will take for you to heal and eventually be in a healthy relationship. You can do it, I know you can! I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you!

Thank you for your advice everyone.

I'm glad there are blogs like these where we can express how we feel and listen to other people's opinions and take the best advice.

You're all right and I am aware no one can change the outcome but me.

I'm not afraid of him, I guess I'm just afraid of not having his attention even if it's the bad kind. We're all messed up in our minds somehow and I know how messed up I am. Now I have to make myself strong n move on

I won't even say anything about the offer. If he does ask again I'll just say I can't.

Thank you!

I know even listening to me is frustrating...

I know he's NO good for me. I'm so mad at myself. It's just hard for me to speak my mind, especially to him. I really need to work on my self esteem. I know this.

Please pray for me guys, I am going to decline his offer. I can't live with this anxiety for ever.

I wouldn't bother declining, you'd need to communicate with him to do that. I'd just skip him. He's a waste of your time and energy, and he's been occupying for too much of your focus. Find more productive places to invest that. It might take time, but you'll thank yourself later--and so will your kids.