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5 year relationiship (long distance, highs chool love) ended.


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I hate long introductions, so to the point :

 

-Me and her (23 yr both).

-High school love

-Traveled together a lot

-Never broke up for 5 years

-Never cheated or anything

-Mature and normal relationship

Until

-2013 she gets a US Green Card with her family and goes to US.

-she said she is coming back

-she came back after a month, while her whole family continues to live in the US.

-2014, same story, she goes there, comes back (I know it's because of me, she has nobody else here).

-2015, she goes again. She says she is coming back after 6 months.

-After a month she tells me she is not coming back probably.

-Wants me to come there, but as a student, getting any sort of visa is almost impossible.

-The only way we can be together is that we marry each other. Or me to win green card lottery.

-To get a visa, it would take 2 years of waiting provided that we get married right away. This means we would have to be in long-distance relationship for 2 years approx.

-I am ready for this, but she begins to change.

-She begins to question me and whether I will be ready for that.

-She is uncertain.

-I feel that she slowly begins to prepare me for a break up.

-We talk on Skype, but I feel that she is cold towards me.

-She wants a "pause" but I refuse. A pause where anyone can do whatever wants, I guess that includes seeing other people.

-I do not want to live in uncertainty. I refuse that.

-I see that she wants to break up, but does not have a courage.

-We break up on Skype 3 months after she left to the US.

-Whole conversation was no drama, quite normal.

-She said she needs time and wants us to be in touch.

-I do not know what to think.

-I do not understand why she does not want to at least try.

 

Whole situation is like a movie.

I understand that situation is hard, but giving up without trying and tossing away 5 years is what I do not understand.

 

-So I started to think that there is someone else in the middle.

-It has to be.

-While we talked on Skype I began to feel it, but when I asked her, she said that there is nobody.

-I had to enter her Facebook to check, I know it is stupid, but there is no other way. She is texting with a family friend up there. Her messages to him are short, but I can see he wants something.

-If she did this because of the situation we were into, I can understand that, it will hurt but I can't hate her for wanting a better life.

-If she did this because of someone else, I will hate her. I never ever want to speak to her, although we have insane amount of memories together.

-I will not contact her first for sure. Though I would like to ask her again if there is somebody else.

 

I do not know why I am writing this, but it feels good to tell somebody.

 

I know this sounds stupid, but what do you guys think of an entire situation?

 

I can write a bit more, but I am aware that only one that can help is myself.

 

It still hurts. Hurts like hell. I just do not know if it will be pain or hate. No matter how stupid it sounds, I honestly wish her all the best. I could never wish something ugly to someone I spent best 5 years of my life with.

In the end, it doesn't even matter, right?

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I understand that situation is hard, but giving up without trying and tossing away 5 years is what I do not understand.

 

I am very sorry for your loss. Long distance for so long is quite an insurmountable obstacle. I would not say that she hasn't tried. Based on what you wrote, this situation has been going on since 2013. She HAS tried. It is now 2016 and it would take another 2 years and getting married to someone she doesn't really know (you two have been apart during a life-transforming period of your lives and chances are that you have changed considerably since high-school) for a chance to be together. In the meantime, you would be missing out on the formative years of your life when it comes to relationships. She HAS tried. It is not tossing away 5 years. It is having changed as a person towards a different direction during the time you have been apart. She is no longer the person you remember. She wants to experience the present rather than wait for an uncertain future. Even if there was another person, this would be the catalyst to a problematic situation that has been going on since 2013 NOT the reason for the break-up. My advice to you is to take her word for it and stop looking for alternative answers. The thing in the middle is NOT another person, it is the insurmountable geographical DISTANCE. The thing in the middle is your life circumstances. It is going to hurt no matter what. However, I can promise you that if you continue to Facebook stalk her and keep learning new things about her, it is going to hurt you a LOT more and tarnish these "best 5 years" of your life. Whatever you learn from now on is NOT relevant because you two are no longer an item. She is someone else now, a single individual whose actions have nothing to do with you. The sooner you let go of the past and focus on the present, the sooner you realize that you now have a new life to attend to (making new friends, finding new hobbies, having new experiences), the sooner you will start to heal. You two did the best you could. The situation was insurmountable. Cherish the memory and move on. Best of luck!

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Thank you for your reply. You are right.

Just want to clarify about the 2013-2015 period.

We were apart for only 1 month per year, she always came back. So its not exactly we were apart for life changing period.

But in 2015 she went and is now there for 4 months. Longest period we were apart.

 

What is strange, is that she told me she wants us to keep in touch. And meet when she comes back in September. This means she can stay here for few weeks, but then she must come back to US in order not to lose her green card.

 

I am somehow thinking that she is putting herself on a test.

 

But I bad thoughts go through my head, trying to figure things out. I feel ashamed of logging into her FB, I really do, but I just want to know.

 

It is a very hard situation, it would be much easier if we could just meet each other and talk, but we are literally thousands km apart.

 

What is funny is that I always believed in a true love and destiny, and no matter how hard it is, universe will solve it. Well I wish I can blame it all on the universe.

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What is funny is that I always believed in a true love and destiny, and no matter how hard it is, universe will solve it.

 

Unfortunately, it doesn't work this way. It has nothing to do with destiny. It takes trust, communication, acceptance of each other, taking care of your own and each others needs, plus shared common goals for the future. And it takes TWO people wanting the same things and cooperating with each other as a TEAM. The distance you are facing means that most of these ingredients are very challenging to uphold or missing altogether, as you are finding out yourself. It sounds like she can't handle the physical absence created by the distance and the lack of communication and uncertainty of a shared future has torn you apart. Some people are affected from physical distance more than others. It sounds like you two have very different limits when it comes to withstanding physical absence. It sounds like she can't handle it.

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Please listen to Clio. Her advice is spot on. You two are young and it was your 1st serious relationship. Your Ex now lives in a different country and nothing you can do will change those facts. Anything you do to try and push for a continued connection will tarnish your great memories. You need to move on, but appriciate what you had. You will talk to her again probably sometime again in the future, because you two ended things on ok terms, but you need to go no contact and just develope yourself into the type of adult you envision yourself to be.

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Clio and Arty0, thanks for your time and replies, I appreciate it. In times like this, this means a lot.

 

Clio, I was thinking the same, but I am not sure why is the idea "there has to be someone else" bugging me so much. I am not a jealous person.

 

There are lots of things that are still unclear to me. For instance she told that when she gets back, she wants to talk to me and see how things are going. See if she still has feeling or whatever.

 

What I do not want to be is her puppy when she is here for few months, I am certain that either we are together or not. I do not like uncertainty. On the other hand if she did this because of someone else, I am certain I will do everything possible not to talk to her ever again.

 

I will definitely use "no contact", but if she initiates the contact, what should I do?

 

Also there are so many photographs, memories and items around the house, and I am just clueless what to do with that stuff.

I even have her 2 pets at my place. Our money is on same accounts and stuff, and do not get me wrong, I couldn't care less about money. It's the memories that are killing me. Should I pack all that in a box, or just trash it, though those are some great memories. It's probably too early to think about that.

 

Edit :

Also, I haven't told anyone about our breakup, parents or friends. Just my best friend knows, but only because she is in similar situation as I am. I am afraid of all those questions, "what happened and stuff" because I even do not know what happened.

I just do not feel like talking about it with people I know currently, I need more time.

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You're welcome. But 1st thing. You're wasting your time trying to analyze her thoughts and actions and if she has another friend lined up. Really you need to take back your own power over your emotions and let this go. It doesn't matter what she is up to now, she's gone. She isn't coming back to you, and you're not going to get married and wait 2 years. Pack up your photos and memories in a box and store it away so that maybe many months down the road when there wont be emotional triggers involved, and you can look at it and smile. Get closure by tapping it up and putting it away. I wouldn't trash it. It may feel good to get rid of it all, but it was a piece of your life, and you may want to revisit it months or years down the road. For now, no contact and move on to heal and better yourself.

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You're welcome. But 1st thing. You're wasting your time trying to analyze her thoughts and actions and if she has another friend lined up. Really you need to take back your own power over your emotions and let this go. It doesn't matter what she is up to now, she's gone. She isn't coming back to you, and you're not going to get married and wait 2 years. Pack up your photos and memories in a box and store it away so that maybe many months down the road when there wont be emotional triggers involved, and you can look at it and smile. Get closure by tapping it up and putting it away. I wouldn't trash it. It may feel good to get rid of it all, but it was a piece of your life, and you may want to revisit it months or years down the road. For now, no contact and move on to heal and better yourself.

Thanks so much, you are right about everything.

It's just hard for me. I want to try NC, but she just sent me an email asking "how am I doing"?

What to do in those situations, ignore or reply short and polite?

If all she wanted was to break up, why the she needs to know how am I handling the break up...

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Thanks so much, you are right about everything.

It's just hard for me. I want to try NC, but she just sent me an email asking "how am I doing"?

What to do in those situations, ignore or reply short and polite?

If all she wanted was to break up, why the she needs to know how am I handling the break up...

 

She is trying to reassure her guilt. And she may also be missing the friendship part of your relationship. The frustrating part with dumpers is that they tend to be oblivious to how painful/confusing contact is for the other person post-break up. Regarding your questions, this is a rather helpful break-up guide:

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She is trying to reassure her guilt. And she may also be missing the friendship part of your relationship. The frustrating part with dumpers is that they tend to be oblivious to how painful/confusing contact is for the other person post-break up. Regarding your questions, this is a rather helpful break-up guide:

Thanks again. This website you shared is amazing, I read it entirely from top till bottom, but I will do it few more times.

All the support helps.

I followed the instructions and answered in three words, without any questions or personalization.

You guys helped me understand that it is probably over, and that I should focus on myself. Without you I would probably go in some dark places of my mind. Thank you.

It is hard. It hurts. I hope it will get better.

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No wories, been there several times myself. Its hard to care for someone and then things change and they're gone from you. You don't owe her anything, and ignoring her contacts to ease her own feelings (not yours) is perfectly acceptable. It shows her youre strong and are moving on without her.

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It WILL get better. It takes time, avoiding at all cost learning anything new about what they are doing, doing new things for yourself, focusing on the present moment and on self-improvement, one step at a time! Again, best of luck! You WILL get through this.

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I just want to tell you guys that I am "progressing".

Last night, I had a dream. Yes, I know it sounds pathetic, but I dreamed of her. I just remember us talking, and felt so happy. Woke up at 5:00 AM and felt like a complete trash. I regret waking up. Morning was really tough.

Decided to tell my family finally that we broke up, and it felt better.

I finally packed all of her stuff in a box which I will be taking to her house (only her grandfather lives there, since they are all abroad). It is going to be very hard to go there alone. I need a bit time before calling him to take over boxes.

 

This is like a therapy for me, so I hope you do not mind me posting. Now I am great. Sometimes I feel good, sometimes terrible and pathetic. We will all get through this.

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Good for you Avon. Remember: it's a one step at a time kind of process. Respect your pace. The pain will come and go in waves but as time goes by it will get less and less intense until it subsides altogether. It will take some time but the more you avoid learning new things about her in any form, the more you focus on your present life, the quicker you will heal.

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Good for you Avon. Remember: it's a one step at a time kind of process. Respect your pace. The pain will come and go in waves but as time goes by it will get less and less intense until it subsides altogether. It will take some time but the more you avoid learning new things about her in any form, the more you focus on your present life, the quicker you will heal.

 

Thanks Clio, you have been a great support since the day 1.

 

Unfortunately like most of people, I broke the NC rule, as we had to clear everything up. Deep inside I hoped she will change her mind. But the coldness in her voice and eyes said differently.

We finally broke up 2 days ago (finally means she confirmed that she is 100% certain, before she said she needs more time, etc) cleared everything with bank accounts, etc.

 

We never fought or tried to insult each other in the end. I wanted her to hurt me even more, but that did no happen. It would be easier if she hurt me.

 

2 day on NC so far. Somehow being 100% certain it is over makes it easier. But as you said, emotions come and go in waves. I won't lie. I still secretly hope one day we will be together, but let's be honest, its probably never going to happen.

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I wanted her to hurt me even more, but that did no happen. It would be easier if she hurt me.

 

I don't agree with this. She has hurt you enough as it is. She gave up on your relationship. That knowledge is enough. Hurting you more than that would not make things any easier. Feeling "wronged" on top of feeling abandoned could get you seriously stuck and I say this from experience. Having the knowledge that this person did not appreciate you enough to fight for the relationship is all you need to know to move on.

As for hope, we ALL have it during the initial period. For the vast majority of people, it takes some time to let it go. The thing with hope is that it can get you stuck while if you let it go and keep moving on, whatever happens will be to your advantage.

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I don't agree with this. She has hurt you enough as it is. She gave up on your relationship. That knowledge is enough. Hurting you more than that would not make things any easier. Feeling "wronged" on top of feeling abandoned could get you seriously stuck and I say this from experience. Having the knowledge that this person did not appreciate you enough to fight for the relationship is all you need to know to move on.

As for hope, we ALL have it during the initial period. For the vast majority of people, it takes some time to let it go. The thing with hope is that it can get you stuck while if you let it go and keep moving on, whatever happens will be to your advantage.

 

Her emails with "How am I doing and how do I feel" are killing me. It raises tiny hope inside me again, but I know its probably quilt speaking from her.

I was really doing fine before reading the email.

I specified that she does not contact me if she respects 5 years we spend together, explained to her that that hurts me... So why, why why?

This morning I was feeling great. Ready to start all over. It was all great, really. I come back and see the damn email....

Have no idea if she is reconsidering or its guilt.

I know you guys can't know what an unknown female thinks, but perhaps you were in similar situation with your ex?

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I specified that she does not contact me if she respects 5 years we spend together, explained to her that that hurts me... So why, why why?

 

Based on my experience, it is out of guilt. My ex did the same and it turned out to be nothing more than that. He kept messing with my head to make himself feel better and when he was ready, he found a replacement and discarded me altogether.

She is trying to make herself feel better, until she is ready to be completely on her own. If you reply to her, she will feel a) that what she did was not that bad since you are still talking to her b) that you are still an option in case she ever changes her mind/things don't go well for her i.e. you are her plan B.

You specifically asked her not to contact you. You need to enforce your boundaries. That means NOT responding. If you respond to her meaningless questions, then your words will not match your actions and she will keep contacting you with irrelevant chit chat meant only to make HER feel better. Blocking her would help protect yourself from this emotional roller-coaster and it is well within your rights. If you can't do this without explaining, you could send a "I don't want meaningless communication. I specifically asked you not to do that. I am blocking your emails from now on." and then block her. If she keeps doing the same in other forms e.g. sms keep enforcing your boundaries the same way.

Don't worry about blocking her. If she is ever serious, she knows where you live. Anything other than "I want to get back with you" is meaningless.

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