The Do's & Don'ts of Online Dating

Hi all...had a situation come up and need some advice. I've been in/out of the dating world for the past 2 years since my divorce. Mainly online because of my schedule, just feel its give me the opportunity to meet such a broad spectrum of men that I wouldn't normally meet in the real world. Anyway..lots of first dates, some second dates, and a decent 6 month run with one guy. I have been talking to a new guy for about 3 weeks now, messaging for the first week, moved to texts and have now been on 2 dates. They were great. Great conversation, a lot in common, definitely a connection that has been communicated from both sides. Well, we went on our 3rd date this past weekend. Prior to the date, one day at work, my colleague and I were in my office chatting about him and she said look him up on Facebook, I want to see what he looks like. I am definitely the minority when it comes to social media and am not on Facebook, so we looked him up on her account. There he was, with a nice "Married" listed in his relationship status.

He had told me that he had been separated for 2 years and fully divorced for almost one, but lived with his Ex during the separation until she filed. He moved in with a friend and had said he has been living there ever since. They do still see each other a lot..they attend all the kids sports games together and usually go out to dinner afterwards all together. Its just a difference dynamic that I have with my Ex and we actually do co-parent well so we do speak, but don't usually hang out together. I know, I know..it's Facebook, but it was still not sitting well with me. When we were having drinks waiting for our table, and while we were talking about his children and their arrangements with weekends and whatnot, I casually slid what I had seen into the conversation. He explained that he has just never changed it. I said ok, no biggie, and the conversation changed.

During dinner, out of nowhere, he told me that it really bothered him that I looked him up on Facebook, that it was creepy, and why would someone do that. I explained myself to him, I honestly really wasn't doing it to be a creeper, but was just with a friend, showing her who he was, etc, more so of an excitment thing to show him off. Once I saw the Married thing, I didn't even click into his profile. It seemed like it got smoothed over, but now it's just been quiet. He used to text little messages throughout the day, it has definitely slowed down. I really thought we had a connection, with how well we were getting along and communicating, that it wouldn't be wrong just to ask. I feel now he thinks I don't trust him.

Should I have kept this to myself and not asked? Should I have not even looked him up, is that really that creepy? I keep feeling that I'm never going to get this dating thing right with all the rules and things I'm not suppossed to do and things I'm not suppossed to talk about. Help?!?!?!

People who have nothing to hide don't behave like he does. Would you have minded if he had told you he had looked you up on f/b? I know I couldn't care less. Are you sure he's divorced?

"he told me that it really bothered him that I looked him up on Facebook, that it was creepy, and why would someone do that." RUN!!!! This guy is nothing but trouble.

(1) It is not at all creepy to fb stalk a guy you meet on line. It is almost, expected. We are meeting strangers. People google them up before first meet, most often, or shortly thereafter.

(2) I find his explanation possible but unlikely. I also think soon after your conversation, he would have changed it. If it is true, it would be a red flag to me that he has not come to terms with the end of his marriage. A rule of thumb is no dating until after a year after divorce; I followed this rule and my exBF's ex-wife created a nuclear war against him, even though they had been divorced for a year and dating others. They were still attached as if - "well, we aren't married but we remain special to each other etc" - and the presence of a girlfriend, not a casual dating thing, was a threat to her. Some couples remain attached in some way despite the divorce.

(3) His reaction to you was mean and defensive. If you have a concern, than he has a concern. Except not in this case; instead, he tried to shame you and shut you up.

Whether he is married is often something you can discover by looking at the on line case records for the jurisdiction in which the divorce would have been processed. Marriage and divorce are a matter of public record.

Whether you care or not is another matter. I say, who cares. Let him go.

He's unhappy you looked him and see he isn't quite so unattached. Move on from this one.

Honestly, I have a family member run a background check on the person I'm dating, especially if I've met them online. I'd rather be safe than sorry.

In his case, I think it's possible he did forget to change it - although it's rather stupid of him not to, given the social media world we live in and the fact that he's out dating again.

Either way, his defensiveness seems a little like overreacting. I wouldn't say he "has something to hide", since it was public information anyway; but I definitely would treat this as a red flag, personally.

Facebook "stalking" is unfortunately the norm these days. Don't post things online that you don't want people to see. It's not like it's private. It's the Internet. People don't seem to understand that you put it out there it's not longer personal.

You did nothing wrong. His reaction is very suspicious.

Why did you go out with him again? He's married.

He got defensive because you caught him. He's gaslighting you.

Let's see. . If it weren't for social media you would never have met him, so if you search for his name on social media he's gets bent about it?

If he wants to maintain his anonymity then he shouldn't post his picture on the bathroom wall for the purpose of looking for dates.

You can't have it both ways.

I have told others that I saw something much like you have. I have gotten a variety of responses. The ones that reacted the way he did, I just smiled. .didn't react and said `what about it?'

If someone looked me up I have no problem with it. 'Have at it', I say. I have nothing to hide.

Online dating sites are chock full of married people. His explanation doesn't hold any water, nobody in their right mind leaves "married" on their social media for the simple reason that divorce is a big enough deal that it can't be overlooked or "forgotten".

His reaction is awfully suspicious too, and should have had you running for the hills.

When it comes to online dating, it is smart to try and find out the most you can about the stranger you'd be meeting; a lot of people do background checks, so the fact that you looked him up on Facebook was harmless and it shouldn't have bothered him one bit.

If I were you I would let this guy go, everything about him is fishy and he is probably just your run of the mill cheater.

Of COURSE he didn't like you looking him up on Facebook - it put him on the spot, and he had to hurriedly cover up the fact that he is married!

The fact that he then attacked you for looking him up is just as much a red flag as his status being 'Married' in the first place; if you'd gone through his phone, or logged on to his computer without his permission, that would have been different. As it is, this was material in the public realm for anyone to see.

I don't blame you for not trusting him. I doubt anyone with any common sense actually would!

Sadly, great connection or not... I think this is the moment to let it go, and move on.

The downside of internet dating is you can meet someone and they can tell you they are the King of Siam.

You have nothing to go on and unlike meeting someone in real life, where a friend, neighbor or coworker and vouch for his character. .

so yes. . searching stranger on social media is probably a smart idea if not to be expected.

People who get upset about you doing so ought to be suspect.

There are no rules.

This guy seems a bit sensitive. People stalk each other on social media. If he doesn't like it he shouldn't be on there. The Internet is public. Don't like your privacy out there, don't put it out there.

Ultimately do what you feel is correct. People will always argue. You're the only one that needs your approval.

If he was a cheater he would be smart enough to hide his status on Facebook. I met someone who was listed in a relationship. She thanked me and changed it to single.

During dinner, out of nowhere, he told me that it really bothered him that I looked him up on Facebook, that it was creepy, and why would someone do that.

I have always searched the web if I was going on a date with someone, just to be cautious. There is nothing creepy about it. If you are on the web, people will find you, so if you like your privacy, don’t put anything on there.

Thank you everyone for the responses. I personally did not think it was creepy..I wouldn't care if someone looked me up, but didn't know how that might come accross to others. While it's a bummer, it probably is best to move on from this one. By nature I am a trusting person so I really did believe him when he says he is divorced, but like someone said, now that I have asked him about it he could have changed it. It is still there. Oh well.

This is definitely normal behaviour on your side and suspicious on his. I get tons of red flag alerts reading your post, especially where he made you feel like a creeper for looking him up as so to shift the focus of the conversation from his vague marital status to your 'creep' behaviour. He sounds like bad news.

You should join FB and do this each time before you go on a date or even type their name into google. See what comes up. If I was doing online dating I would be very cautious too. There are a ton of married people on these websites so it would be silly to blindly trust them and take their word for everything. You have to have your eyes wide open and watch your back

I find it creepy that he finds it creepy that you looked him up. I look women up online because I've been burned in the past. And I assume they're doing the same with me. I've nothing to hide, have absolutely no problem with it and assume it's par for the course.

The first thing I did with my FB account post divorce was to set my status. The next thing I did was to block my ex. Though my ex suggested we get together as a family periodically post divorce, I had no interest in that whatsoever. I'm not interested in a half arse family and did not want to confuse our kids. Done is done. Maybe in rare circumstance this can work? I've never seen it in the wild though.

I've learned quite a few things from online dating. The main thing is, if it seems too good to be true (at least initially), it probably is. Be wary of the ones that are going through or are newly divorced. These are the ones who's world runs on unicorn farts.

His wife wouldn't have 'liked' him changing his status on his Public profile.

She likely knows nothing about his divorce.

Are you more upset about his reaction or not knowing if he's telling the truth about his status? Bc one of the issues is easily solvable: look up him via your state court records. If he's divorced the case will be posted as its public record( along with any other legal cases he may have)...

Are you more upset about his reaction or not knowing if he's telling the truth about his status? Bc one of the issues is easily solvable: look up him via your state court records. If he's divorced the case will be posted as its public record( along with any other legal cases he may have)...

Sure, then you're still left with his reaction to your discovery of his public appeasement of his wife, regardless of whether she's his official ex, or not.

He still 'hangs out' with the ex. That would be my dealbreaker. My private rule is that I won't involve myself with anyone who's still involved with an ex in any way, shape or form beyond shared children. Not because it makes anyone a villain, just because it means unfinished business regardless of how vehemently that's denied, and I simply don't belong inside that equation.

That's about me, not him. With millions of people in the world to date, I don't need to dabble in any potential booby traps.

Sure, then you're still left with his reaction to your discovery of his public appeasement of his wife, regardless of whether she's his official ex, or not.

 

He still 'hangs out' with the ex. That would be my dealbreaker. My private rule is that I won't involve myself with anyone who's still involved with an ex in any way, shape or form beyond shared children. Not because it makes anyone a villain, just because it means unfinished business regardless of how vehemently that's denied, and I simply don't belong inside that equation.

 

That's about me, not him. With millions of people in the world to date, I don't need to dabble in any potential booby traps.

Oh for sure...I totally agree. I'd be outta there myself, for the same reason. To each their own though - wasn't sure which the OP was looking for clarity with..

Thank you everyone for the responses. I personally did not think it was creepy..I wouldn't care if someone looked me up, but didn't know how that might come accross to others. While it's a bummer, it probably is best to move on from this one. By nature I am a trusting person so I really did believe him when he says he is divorced, but like someone said, now that I have asked him about it he could have changed it. It is still there. Oh well.

Blessing. You found the sort of detail that underscores why everyone fb stalks in the first place. He's an idiot for thinking nobody will see it.