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How do you slowly build a relati without giving the whole girlfriend experience?


Flaneko

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I met a guy(21) that treats me(23) like a princess. He's way beyond his years in maturity and politeness. A true gentleman.

 

We've talked every day for about a month, met 1~2 times a week from the start, and click well. He comes over or we go shopping or he joins me drinking with my friends(but we go 'as friends').

 

We have a great thing but I know he's a student (graduating this year) so I know he probably wants his fun and freedom(he goes clubbing, he Tinders to apparently practice English(we're in Japan), its how we met as well).

I, on the other hand, don't want just 'fun' that goes nowhere. I want to build and grow a relationship and make memories and be a proper couple. We meet, we have dinners, we cuddle and kiss a LOT, we have sex sometimes (didn't at first, and no pressure from him), he travels a fair distance when coming over/we come home to mine(he lives in a dorm so we can't hang at his). We're completely comfortable with each other. We're a couple without the title.

 

I can understand why it'd be perfect for him but for me I feel that it's too limiting because there'll be no growth and no need to commit since we've already got a couple-style relationship. So I told him my feelings today.

 

I asked if we're just FWB, he said it's not like that and is a bit more than that but it's too soon to decide feelings. I agreed but I think he should at least have some idea, right? He said what we have now is good, and i agreed but explained that if it's just casual then I'll develop stronger feelings and it'll just inconvenience him. Apparently I'm the only girl he sees though (he's super busy with part-time work, school, and martial arts - we're in Japan and that takes up most of your school life). He said there's a possibility for us to become more one day, and that it's definitely not zero at all, but it's too fast right now especially with him training for championships.

 

He said the reason he wants to take it slow is because last time he got dumped by his girlfriend out of the blue because she lost her feelings for him so it brings up bad memories (especially since he's never been a dumpee before then, always a dumper)(although from what I've heard I think he just enjoyed his freedom a bit too much with clubbing etc and she found out). Plus, he still wants freedom to hang with his mates and its a lot of responsibility for him as a student cause of the other stuff he has on.

 

Okay, fair. To be honest, I also had a horrible experience similar to his, so I want to take it slow and get a feel for each other first.

 

So my question is, how do we relax and enjoy this and take it slow without giving it all away? If we continue as we are, we're pretty much boyfriend-girlfriend but without the title and promises to commit, so he can do as he likes without it being 'cheating'. How do I give him time to like me without giving him the full girlfriend experience?

 

All I can think is, less time at home, more time outside (less chances for sex, more for connecting). But that only takes away sex - the rest of the full girlfriend experience is still there. Less chasing him too, I guess?

 

How can I leave a great impression and show how great of a girlfriend I can be without being used as a girlfriend without the title, and without giving it all before he commits?

 

Anyone have any success with such situations?

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Well it's only been a month - isn't it too much to already demand commitment? We're still getting a feel for each other. I just don't want to give too much. And he needs time to trust me I guess.

 

I'm going to pull back but just don't know how to see him but not give him too much or too little.

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A month is indeed a short time...when you're just dating someone. But not when you're talking every day and sleeping with them.

In any case, relationships that are to blossom, blossom naturally and, in your case, you're already feeling like you should be doing or not doing something to get him to commit to you..that never works, in my experience.

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To be honest I'm still getting a feel for him so even if he said 'let's date' right now I'd be reluctant because the last time I rushed into a relatonship I ended up cheated on AND dumped, and it was the person I've loved the most in my life until now lol.

 

So my question is how do we take it slow without giving it all away? We both have bad experiences and want to be safe and sure.

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We're young, and in an age where sex happens outside relationships. And for me, checking sexual compatibility is important.

 

Yes I realise we took it too fast, but besides the sex there's also the dinner and shopping dates.

 

How do I reverse it/take a step back?

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To be honest I'm still getting a feel for him so even if he said 'let's date' right now I'd be reluctant because the last time I rushed into a relatonship I ended up cheated on AND dumped, and it was the person I've loved the most in my life until now lol.

 

So my question is how do we take it slow without giving it all away? We both have bad experiences and want to be safe and sure.

 

What is it you think you have left to give? Commitment? The thing that he made clear he doesn't want. Even if it's been only a month, it's clear outside looking in, your relationship goals are different.

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To be honest I'm still getting a feel for him so even if he said 'let's date' right now I'd be reluctant because the last time I rushed into a relatonship I ended up cheated on AND dumped, and it was the person I've loved the most in my life until now lol.

 

So my question is how do we take it slow without giving it all away? We both have bad experiences and want to be safe and sure.

 

Being his girlfriend would be "just at title"? Obviously not to him - he doesn't want a commitment to you because he views that as something serious and he doesn't want serious right now (maybe with anyone, maybe just with you, hard to tell).

 

How to take it slowly: go on dates with him and make sure he is asking you out, making time/place plans -at least half the time. Look to date others and date others. Don't have sex with him if that makes you feel emotionally attached and/or if there might be an STD risk. Don't invite him out with your friends -so you can be open to opportunities to meet other people. Stay sober around him.

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You can't reverse it. That's what we've been telling you. Unless you tell him 'look, no commitment = no more sex, intimate moments, dinner dates'...which would sound like an ultimatum and people rarely respond well to ultimatums. Or if you just stopped seeing him as much/ sleeping with him without any explanation..which seems even worse as he might think you're not interested.

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You cannot make him want to make you his girlfriend when you are already his sex buddy. You didn't take this slow at all and you will likely end up just like your.last relationship.

 

NEXT time...use dating to determine compatible goals and values and not.to fi d out if they are good in bed. Newsflash....most.people.are.

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I had a talk with him early on after we accidentally had sex for the first time (after teasing each other too much) about how if we have sex we'll just turn into FWB and he said it won't be like that. I'll have that talk again I guess? It's my fault as well since I went with it the second time - we were teasing each other too much and it turned into sex(we've only had sex today and once before).

 

 

Girlfriend is not just a title to me, its about mutual trust and promise, and being able to do things together as a couple freely, not just in the home.

 

 

I refuse to just say goodbye when we have a fantastic connection. We bpth just need time to get to know each other(me as well, not just him) so I want to know how to spend that time.

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The answer to your question comes from within you, so it's less of a "we" and more of an "i" perspective. Don't approach this like you would in a committed relationship, where the goals would be "we" goals. Do approach this like something you can manage in a way that is responsible to yourself.

 

As you say, yes, more time outside pal-ing around; less time indoors. More than that: more time with your friends - call for a girls night, for example, so that it isn't awkward to exclude him from the group. More time doing small things with friends - movies or walks/runs in the park etc. Those are good opportunities for girl time to talk about school, guys, etc. Invest in your friends with an early dinner together, then have him come over later. That works because he's a longish ways away, and you can get dinner done while he's traveling.

 

If you invest yout time a little bit differently, it will change the balance of your relationship without severing the connection.

 

Adding.... regarding time outside, less inside -- maybe. That could lead more to friend zone, or to dating, and neither of those is what you're going for. If you want to be less girlfriendy, I would think you'd less of a confidante, not more of one. Also, if you want less sex, it may move all the way over to friend zone

 

In between is FWB or dating. And it seems like casual dating, to me. So keep it casual, keep having sex if you're comfortable. Live in the moment with this guy. There is no future in his imagination, so keep your imagination limited to the here and now.

 

If you want to build towards a future, you need a different guy.

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IThinkICan - I am so social I hate it, haha. I have plans every day/night and he knows it too. I just need to know how to handle time when I'm with him, really. I'll draw back a little, reduce time at home.

 

I think the key here is in your imagination.

 

This guy is living in the moment. That's all he can or wants to deal with. So, make him your in the moment guy.

 

If you want to build a future, it's not with this guy - or at least not right now.

 

If you manage yourself with strong boundaries, he might circle back around once he gets his head on straight, but really, I think this is a super good thing and so it's frustrating that there is no future to it. But there isnt, because he can't see that far ahead and doesn't know himself well enough to make those decisions.

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Well the thing is I need to take it slower too. We both had similar experiences leaving us cautious.

 

I don't want to give him my all now just cause he's living in the moment. And while he mau be, I do think he's also thinking it's better to take it slow than commit to someone he barely knows.

 

So I definitely do not want to just 'live in the moment' with him and I let him know that - I said if we're just playing around, I'd rather give up and move on because I want growth. Who knows, maybe he needs time to thin. He did say 'I had a feeling you might bring this up' (in a light way) regarding checking whether we're just FWB or more. He said right now he just can't give me an answer because it's too soon.

 

I want to give it another month first but wanna know how to go about it for the month.

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I had a talk with him early on after we accidentally had sex for the first time (after teasing each other too much) about how if we have sex we'll just turn into FWB and he said it won't be like that. I'll have that talk again I guess? It's my fault as well since I went with it the second time - we were teasing each other too much and it turned into sex(we've only had sex today and once before).

 

I'd suggest you reconsider the way you approach life. Nobody has sex accidentally. You made a choice. It's an okay choice to make, but it wasn't an accident, and it didn't "just happen". Presenting it that way doesn't really fool anyone. And I mean nobody here is passing judgement on you for doing it, so why go out of your way to deflect responsibility for your choices? Own them.

 

In regards to this guy, you're sorta doing the same thing....You want A, but you're not willing to just come out and say "I want A" so you deflect and make excuses and "hope" that he'll just magically decide to give you A. Well, it looks like he's more than willing to give you the D, but I don't see any evidence you're getting A (the relationship you want).

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I'd suggest you reconsider the way you approach life. Nobody has sex accidentally. You made a choice. It's an okay choice to make, but it wasn't an accident, and it didn't "just happen". Presenting it that way doesn't really fool anyone. And I mean nobody here is passing judgement on you for doing it, so why go out of your way to deflect responsibility for your choices? Own them.

 

In regards to this guy, you're sorta doing the same thing....You want A, but you're not willing to just come out and say "I want A" so you deflect and make excuses and "hope" that he'll just magically decide to give you A. Well, it looks like he's more than willing to give you the D, but I don't see any evidence you're getting A (the relationship you want).

 

I did say the sex is my fault as well.

 

And I don't want a relationship right now, right this minute. I need time to get to know this guy more too. I just need to know how to go one step back, and how to get to enjoy each other's company without giving it all away so there's nothing to aim for(that is, so that he feels no need to commit)

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Well the thing is I need to take it slower too. We both had similar experiences leaving us cautious.

 

I don't want to give him my all now just cause he's living in the moment. And while he mau be, I do think he's also thinking it's better to take it slow than commit to someone he barely knows.

 

So I definitely do not want to just 'live in the moment' with him and I let him know that - I said if we're just playing around, I'd rather give up and move on because I want growth. Who knows, maybe he needs time to thin. He did say 'I had a feeling you might bring this up' (in a light way) regarding checking whether we're just FWB or more. He said right now he just can't give me an answer because it's too soon.

 

I want to give it another month first but wanna know how to go about it for the month.

 

I think no answer is your answer.

 

At the very least, pull your emotions back since you're ready to be more commitTed to him than he is to you.

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Well the thing is I need to take it slower too. We both had similar experiences leaving us cautious.

 

I don't want to give him my all now just cause he's living in the moment. And while he mau be, I do think he's also thinking it's better to take it slow than commit to someone he barely knows.

 

So I definitely do not want to just 'live in the moment' with him and I let him know that - I said if we're just playing around, I'd rather give up and move on because I want growth. Who knows, maybe he needs time to thin. He did say 'I had a feeling you might bring this up' (in a light way) regarding checking whether we're just FWB or more. He said right now he just can't give me an answer because it's too soon.

 

I want to give it another month first but wanna know how to go about it for the month.

 

 

The point is ----- neither of you were cautious. I don't think he has any doubt what you want, and he doesn't want the same thing. And he is stringing you along because...he gets what he wants

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