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Need advice! Ex said there is no spark but convinced me otherwise before...


misstinkerbell

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My ex (35yo) and I (32yo) met when he was doing a project in my country back in July. We instantly hit it off, he asked to see me again the very next day during our first date, and we saw each other a few more times before he had to leave. Obviously because of the distance I was having doubts, but he kept saying I had been blowing his mind and heart since day one, and he never felt like this, with such strong feelings from the get go, for anyone before, so we decided to give it a try. We kept texting and talking to each other, things were great, and I then flew over to his country in September and spent 10 days there with him. Despite of the fact that he was really sick (and hence a bit grumpy) during those 10 days, we had a great time. Great connection, amazing sex, etc... He kept saying how deeply happy he felt when I was there, that I made him feel something that he thought he'd lost forever.

 

We had plans to go away for a holiday in November and another visit in January, but due to his work, we postponed everything. During this time I started getting really sick with stress cardiomyopathy, and he got upset that he couldn't be here taking care of me and started saying perhaps I should be with someone who can be next to me. I told him that's not what I want. I brought up maybe I could move over some time next year as basically I could work anywhere with my laptop (as in this year), but he thought it was premature to talk about it, to which I agreed.

 

Come December, things were great, we both missed each other so much, he said he doesn't want to be so far away from me anymore and we started to talk about my next visit in Feb. Around Christmas, I sent him a video card that I made, saying that hopefully it's the last Christmas we spend apart. Since then, I could sense some distance from him. That's when I was attacked by an ex. After the attack, he asked if I was still interested in the ex, and I firmly said no (hell the guy just attacked me! How could he even ask me that?). Later I was diagnosed with a serious brain injury, caused by the attack, but during the recovering he acted distant and unsupportive, although admitting that he felt upset and frustrated that there was nothing he could do from afar. He said again that I should be with someone who can be here next to me, but I told that's not what I need. Granted I wanted to hear from him more often, but I knew he was super busy, so I gave him space and all.

 

Roughly 2 weeks ago, we started talking about my visit again and we were both excited. 2 days later we were trying to confirm the dates. 2 days after that however, out of the blue he told me that he thought I shouldn't fly over nor should we continue with the relationship because he couldn't shake the feeling that we aren't meant to be and he doesn't see a future between us, even if we lived in the same place. However at the same time he said he loves me, for the very first time. That's what I really don't get, why bother saying that for the first time when he was breaking up with me? Anyway, I sort of calmly said, without crying, that perhaps too much has happened when we haven't seen each other for 4 months, so how about we see each other first next month and then decide? He said he needed time to think so we decided to talk again the next day.

 

During our call the next day (I never cried), he said he thinks I'm amazing and I'd be a great life partner, but there's this gut feeling he has, that we aren't right for each other. He said he didn't feel the spark even though there's great intellectual and physical attraction between us. And despite of the many similarities we shared, there are a lot of differences, etc. He also said he wasn't comfortable with what I wrote in the Christmas video card I sent him. To which I replied being so far apart from the beginning and relying on the phone probably led to a lot of miscommunications and misunderstandings etc. and eventually we agreed to see each other next month as planned, with no expectations, and see how things turn out.

 

The next day, however, he called and said he's feeling bad about the visit, but I already booked my ticket, so he said no problem, he will call me later. Then the next day, he texted me saying "Sweetie, are you able to investigate the possibility of canceling the ticket? I just don't feel right. I'm sorry." I was crushed. A few hours later I basically replied he said I blew his mind and heart from day one, and said all those things to me, if that wasn't a spark, I don't know what is. And that I believe besides attraction and love, what ultimately makes a relationship works is the determination to work through differences, honesty, communication, respect, and compromise and it's the process of making it all work that creates the emotional bond that lasts. Yes I might have done and said things that annoyed him, but I was going through a lot the past couple months, and I was feeling vulnerable and emotional (there was a bit of crying when I felt lonely, but I never yelled or nagged), but I'm working on myself. He also did and said hurtful things that made me very uncomfortable, but I didn't hold it against him like he is doing it to me. At the end, I said if he is really making it all about the gut feeling and spark, or lack thereof with me, then I will step away.

 

He never replied, and since then I've gone completely NC. It's been 5 days now, and honestly, I'm devastated. I'm still working hard as usual, and I'm trying to stay healthy for the sake of my recovery. I've also been reflecting and working on myself, but sometimes I just can't stop crying. I know it's only been 6 months since we started seeing each other, but I did feel like he was the one, and losing him is just so devastating. I want him back, but I know there's nothing I can do. I've been trying to make sense of everything he said, but I just don't understand what happened, especially when we were super loving even the day before I sent out the video...

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I don't know this guy and don't know his mind. If I had to make a guess, I think your health issues and the drama in your life scared him off. He's not going to tell you that, though, so it's easier just to give a more generic answer like "I just don't think we're right for each other."

 

It's rare, actually, to ever know exactly why someone ends things with you. And it's tough because you really WANT to know. I've been in similar situations; everything seemed so great, and then the girl just decides to step away. It's tough, but, in the end, the reasons really don't matter why. All that matters is that this person is telling you they don't want to be with you anymore. So, unfortunately, that's just what you have to accept. You've gone NC; you're doing the right things. I'm sorry; I know this is hard. I know this hurts like all holy hell. But it will get better.

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sent him a video card that I made, saying that hopefully it's the last Christmas we spend apart. Since then, I could sense some distance from him

 

I am sorry, but I think you tried turning a fling into a relationship.

 

He was in your country for a project and it was infatuation.

You went to visit him ---- and he was grumpy, but it was still fun.

You offered to move there, you sent a video about our last Xmas apart ----- and he realized you were serious about a commitment and bailed.

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@Krankor - Thank you for your kind words. My health issues and the ex drama were out of my control, and they were dealt with. Also, other than that, he knows all the other parts of my life are great. Thriving business, amazing friends, doing volunteer work etc... I've also been very supportive and understanding regarding him and his not so stable career (he's in the music industry)... Anyhow I know I'd never know the real reason, and I can only step away and leave him be. Just a bit disappointed though, isn't being in a relationship supposed to be through think and thin, ups and downs? I mean a lot of problems can be worked out if both parties put their minds to it...

 

@mhowe - I get where you are coming from. I knew it could have been a fling so I gave him a way out in Nov and asked him to just tell me if he wasn't serious, but he didn't take it. In fact he was even sweeter afterwards. And even just before Christmas we were still talking about things in the future. So, why didn't he just dump me earlier, would have been easier for him if to him it was just a fling?

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Hm sorry I'm a bit confused. During my last visit we were good. I took moving over off the table the first time we spoke about it a month after that visit, and we were good for months. Talked and texted everyday. We both wanted to see each other so he gave me dates last week to book the ticket for Feb. So that's why I wonder, he could have broken up with me months ago if freedom/commitment was the biggest issue. Why wait till now?

 

I know there's no point dwelling on the issue now cos at the end of the day, it's over. I guess I just wanted to see if it's really commitment or something else, that I could have done wrong, so that I know what to do in the future and how to work on improving myself.

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Because texting someone takes little to no effort. And having you visit is more vacation than commitment. He gave you dates for Feb last week and has since decided that you are more invested than he wants to be...so he bailed.

 

You can take "moving off the table* but it doesn't erase the fact you were considering it.

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Yes, you do choose who you fall in love with. Because before love there is infatuation (which sounds more like what you have).

 

Love is the easy part. Combining two lives, schedules, careers and so forth is what takes effort and work.

 

The problem here is ----- he cannot see being with you. He doesn't want you to move near him and no longer wants you to visit him.

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