Probably saying goodbye to the life I live right now

Hi everyone,

I want to share some things that I have been dealing with. For the past 2 years I have been living away from my home town pursuing a master degree. Despite all the stress related to grad school I have managed to get an awesome girlfriend. I am absurdly attracted to her, we can talk for hours, she is actually turned on when I start talking about things I do in my research. Basically we have an amazing time together.

However, my original plan was to get a PhD abroad. So for the past couple of months I have been reading about opportunities and I openly stated to her that I wanted to do this. She acted as if it was cool but I always somehow knew she was deep down frustrated by it. Things started to get pretty serious about me going to a certain place and I started to feel a bit excited about it. I read many things about the place I was going to and even did a bit of research on how women are there.

But now that I am reaching towards the end of my master I begun to feel really stressed. The pressure of getting things done in time, plus publications, plus dealing with what I am going to do next.. all of this has been driving me crazy. I don't thing I have ever felt this anxious in my life. And I made a pretty promissing contact and probably managed to arrange myself a PhD scholarship that will start in less than two months! This is less then the time I thought it would take me to finish everything I am up to now. Obviously my stress levels went up dramatically. And I realize that I still need to deal with my girlfriend. I cannot take her with me, nor tell her to wait three years. At this point she has already said how she feels and have pratically begged me to stay. I must tell her now that I will probably be leaving in 2 months.

Well, this has all been a huge pressure and stressful to me. I just wanted to share this and see if I can get some thoughts. I am starting to considering not going for the sake of staying at my comfort zone. I am havin problems with dealing will all this. I cannot stop feeling ridiculous for looking up how women are over where I am going. I just realized that they will never be like the girl I actually like right now.

Just wanted to share..

Cheers.

Tough call. Can you postpone your doctorate for a year? Why can't she go with you? Why are you so set on going abroad?

Universities are a lot easier to find than ideal romantic love matches, in my experience.

Well I have always wanted to go abroad. It is just an experience I have always dreamt of. Had opportunities in the past and ended up feeling really low for not having taking them. Plus, at my country the economy is bad and we are having trouble finding scholarships here. And it is not that she cannot come with me, of course she can! But she has her own job and do not plan on leaving it. We just want different things in life right now. I am thinking about trying later this year but I fear that I will just miss another call.

My parents were long distance for 4 years while my father went to grad school. They saw each other less than once a month (and maybe summers). This month they will be married 60 years.

You've made a contact, not a contract. Unless and until you receive acceptance in writing, there's no sense in stressing yourself about it. Can you possibly negotiate a later start date?

Also, how long have you been with the GF?

probably managed to arrange myself a PhD scholarship that will start in less than two months!

For something starting in two months, "probably" really isn't good enough. You should have that locked down.

If you're looking up what the women will be like in your new home, then you're clearly not that serious about your girlfriend. You're comfortable and afraid to shake the boat, but that's what's driving you - not a deep love for her.

Do yourself and her a favor and end things so you can go, unattached, to pursue your PhD. I think you're more passionate about that than her - and that's OK!

I cannot tell you what you should do. I know what I would do. I had a similar situation in my life not so long time ago. I got a job abroad but I was ready to give it up at any time and stay if she wanted and she knew that. Now I'm far away and no contact with her.

I pretty much agree with what Heather says. By checking what the women are like in the new place only shows that you probably see your girlfriend as one of many, while you for her are probably the only one. I can only add, if you decide to leave, don't make her a hope.

So, I have been thinking about this for weeks now. Then it suddenly sprung my mind that it seemed that I wasn't thinking about leaving for a PhD. I was thinking about leaving just to live overseas to experience different stories. I wanted to meet girls, to surf, to mountain bike, etc... And I was worried that being in the lab would get in the way of doing what I really want. And from my whole experience with academia, It would. So it seems that I am not really that passionate about it. Then it hit me. Ever since I got into university I wonder whether I have made the right choice. And paying attention to how I feel about things and to how people around me talk and seem to feel about our field have always made me wonder whether I am in the right direction. But I kept postponing thinking about it all the way. I guess it is related to the fear of finding that I don't like what I do and that I will be unhappy as long as I am in it. Plus, I have spent the last 7 years in universities (5 years of undergrad and 2 years in MSc - regular time in my country) and the huge ammount of work have also gotten in the way of actually thinking about what I was doing.

Right now I am about to conclude that MSc and I pretty much have a chance to get out of academia. My wonders have turned to another direction. Should I leave it? Should I get a job in the market? Maybe experiencing my field from a different point-of-view should do me good. Maybe I shall understand that what I am doing in academia is indeed useful (sometimes I wonder if it is...) and I believe in what I do. Ultimately, maybe I will finally have time to think about my life and decide whether I want to carry on this field. What's more, I will finally have money. To be honest, I cannot remember the last time I really had a hobby in my life other than playing video games in the bus on my way to campuses. I have been spending at least 10 hours of my day in the lab and about 2 hours commuting for this whole time. And no vacations for the last 2 years.

And about the girlfriend, I have always had a fear of commitment. ALWAYS. And for the first time in my life I am with someone that I am willing to risk it. But I still have trouble with being really into the relationship. She is terrific. The supporst she is giving me right now is amazing! I feel bad for not being able to completely BE in the relationship, but I guess this is something I will have to fight. And I haven't been wich many girls, so sometimes I just feel I am not ready to settle down yet. But I don't think I can deal with this right now. I am actually incredibly glad I am with ther right now, despite my thoughs.

Guess there is a whole new discussion now, but I suppose the topic title still works.

thanks for reading.

I don't think the right approach is to "fight" the urge to be on your own and meet other women. I don't think you have a fear of commitment -simply a typical desire to date around or at least to keep your options open. If you marry this person, have a child - during those times of sleep deprivation, the challenges and responsibilities of marriage and parenting -you won't have the strength to fight your strong doubts -you will resent feeling trapped even if you chose to commit. Certainly you can work through your fears -on your own, with the help of books or a therapist, friends - but do yourself and your gf a favor and don't "fight" against a valid desire to be out there and open to meeting other people.