4.5 Year Break up with Girlfriend gone wrong. Very Confused and lost.

Hello everyone, Im 26 years old and have been in a relationship with my girlfriend who is 23 years old. Long story short, we had an amazing relationship for 3.5 years during college, after she graduated, she was offered a job about 1.5 hours away from where we live (we don't live together). At first I thought it would be a great opportunity for her and told her to take it, the money was great and it would be a great learning experience. The field of work she is in requires her to travel (Engineer), from job site to job site. So she was only supposed to be there for a year. She moved away in January last year 2015, and was supposed to be back this Feb. (her lease ended jan 31) and her new job site was going to be back home, which I was ecstatic about. Back to the overall problem. When she moved, things were okay at first, it was weird from going from seeing someone almost every day and spending every night together, to seeing this person only on weekends, and at the time, I was doing security work at bars to make extra money, so it was tough, basically only getting to get home and sleep in the same bed when she was home. Looking back now, I wish I would have never done the security work and spent time with her, but easy money is really hard to pass up. Also, she wanted to spend time with her friends. So I would work, she would go out with her friends etc... things were still okay. I worked full time as a personal trainer, and was doing really well at it and loved my job, but I went to school for law enforcement and decided to take a job, even though I was losing money, its what ive always wanted to do. Her and I had some hard couple weeks leading up to us "Taking a break" the first week I started the academy, and decided this on the 25th of July. During this time, I felt fine, I was really busy with the new training, and all the new people. I didn't drink at all before the training started, but meeting all these new people, I started going out and having a good time.

My girlfriend had zero contact until August 7th,(our 4 year anniversary) which was 13 days after our break started. She texted me, something on the lines of, I had to text you today, I hope all is going well. From that point we started small talk, nothing to mooshy, still respecting our break. Around august 12-13 she tells me her best friend is going to go on the cruise with her (in my place) that we were supposed to go on in November, which I already paid for. I got upset, not really sure why, but I was mad about it because she never really asked me anything about it and how I felt. So this leaded to a little argument, and I asked to have the gun I purchased her for when she moved back. She agreed and we didn't talk much the next day or two. she told me she was in town on the 15 of august and that I could have my gun back, I got the gun, we said it was good to see each other, I gave her a hug, and I walked away. she drove away. That night she text me saying how great it was seeing me and we started talking again. We started telling each other we miss and love each other every night after the 15 and things were progressively getting better so by august 20th we were basically back together and I think she stayed at my place August 24. Now that things are falling into place with us, I ask her if she slept with anyone while we were on our break, of course she said no. After that I left it alone. I trusted her. Our relationship was fine the next few months, I went on the cruise with her and her family, which was over thanksgiving, it went great, we had a great time, things are still going good. Chirstmas eve rolls around, I knew I had a funny feeling from the start that she was hiding something from me. Because after being with someone so long, you just know. So I ask her again, I said, "did you really not sleep with anyone when we were on our break" she said no, I said, please just tell me the truth I just want to know. She said no. I told her I slept with four girls, just trying to get an answer out of her, which was wrong and I wish I could take it all back now. She said how did you sleep with that many girls in such a short period of time, I said basically I met a whole knew group of people, going out on weekends, things just happened. I returned my attention to her again, I said sooo... she said she went on a date and kissed someone, I said that's all seriously, she said yes. I said, just tell me the truth I just want to know, she said they went on two dates and the second date he came over they drank and he spent the night. I asked her if they did anything she said no but we slept in the bed together. I said with clothes on, she said I had my top off and he was in his boxers, I said really im not an idiot just tell me the truth. she said finally that they messed around but she didn't do anything to him but he "played" with her. I was like now seriously... we are not in middle school anymore. She said finally the third date, they had sex. I was broken, I then told her I was kidding about sleeping with the other girls I just knew I had to lie to get it out of her. I told her we were done and to get her stuff and leave, she basically begged for me and pleaded for a few hours. This was all out of anger, and being a male...you guys know how it is... 4 years and your girls sleeps with someone 3 weeks after you break up kinda stings. She begged for me for about two days, so Christmas eve and Christmas she was all about fixing things. Then all of a sudden, the next day she hung out with a friend and it was a complete 360, she didn't know what she wanted blah blah blah.. and I was completely caught off guard, I was like hey, you're the one who messed up here and now you are punishing me for it? I was super confused. she said she wanted to talk, so basically we talked all night about it and she basically came to the conclusion that she was confused...I told her I would forgive her, if she told me the date that she slept with this guy. she said she would have to look at her journal, which is 1.5 hours away. I said okay, well let me read that part and we can move forward, I just don't wanna be lied to since she told me it only happened one time. She was kinda pissed that I wanted to read it, but i felt that if she could hide this from me for 5 months... that she was probably lying. i talked her into it, we went the next morning, i read it, i was happy because she was telling the truth, and said "i was drunk, i told him to stop but it just happened"...this made me feel a little better and could forgive her even though i was extremely disappointed with her because she slept with him August 17th, When her and I were telling each other we missed each other and wanted to be together and that we loved each, (i went back in my texts and found this out, which i thought was shady) she was mad i read it but, she basically got over it. We were up and down the next few days, her saying she doesn't know what she wants, and now me basically fighting to get her back.

Moving forward, we were working things out, right before she left to go to new York for new years to visit some friends. She was going From Thursday to Monday. I dropped her off Thursday at the airport, and things were okay, we told each other we loved each other and that was that. When she was there the first two days were okay, Friday, i had people over at my house and had my phone hooked up to the radio so i couldn't reply to all her texts, she got mad...next day she was pissed but understandable. Me being a decided i wanted to see if she was still talking to this guy, i made a fake number online, and texted her, acting like the guy she hooked up with, she knew it was me immediately and got really pissed again, understandable. i told her i was sorry and it was a joke, she was still mad and didn't want to talk to me. I believe it was the next day, i was at the gym, she texted me and said we need to talk, i said wuts up, she said on the phone. I called her, she said i think we should break up....i talked to her for awhile and it didn't really get anywhere.. things calmed down a bit. So Monday rolls around, im supposed to pick her up from the airport, she was being really shady during the texts, not saying i love you...or that kind of stuff. I played it cool, because i knew she was still pissed about the fake number thing. I surprised her with Roses and she seemed kind of awkward. we held hands to the car. On the car ride home, i asked how the trip was, and small talk about it. I then began telling her how i felt about our whole situation and how i just wanted to move forward and put this in the past. Again being shady..we get to my house, im running late for work, i drop her off i get out hug her and she kinda pushes me away lightly, i tell her i love her and i have to go to work. i go to work, she tells me to be safe and that she loves me, i said the same. The next day was okay, she was kinda being shady again, which was Tuesday. Wednesday we talked on the phone for a little bit and things seemd okay, she said that she talked to her mom about our whole situation, i asked so what did you guys talk about, does your mom not want us to be together or something, she said no but she agrees with me and i think we need space... i said i don't want to do space because the whole space thing is the reason why we are here today, and what you did. she persisted that's what she wanted and i said i cant do it again. She said well if you cant give me what i want, we should just break up. Of course i don't want that i love this girl. I agreed to it and gave her her space, she said if you truly loved me, you would give me and this relationship the space that is needed. I asked if she even wanted to fix this, she said yes, but i need time. so we basically left it at that. The next day Thursday, she texts me at about 12 in the after noon saying "im sorry for the way things have ended up, i wish i would have never moved away, but things have come between us that we cant right now. Im doing this in hopes to work everything out in the future, i know you don't see that know, but i hope one day you will. i will always love you. I told her, i love her and ill give her space. We had no contact for 23 days, until i finally texted her, i just asked how she was doing and i hope everything was going okay, we had small talk nothing major, and towards the end i said, if youre in town this weekend, maybe we could get lunch or a drink, she said yeah maybe we can see. This was Thursday, i didn't text her Friday just to give her some space. Saturday rolls around i text her at 10:45am and basically said i wanted to touch base to see when she was available because i had a few things to do. She replied at about 4pm and said, i don't think we should see each other. This hurt... i went on to ask basically what direction we are going because i was confused, she said she wants me to live my life...i told her i want her in my life and im just confused. she then said "i don't think we should be together".

This broke me down even more...I texted her a few hours later and said, i really wanna fight for us and make this work. She texted me back a long text basically, saying everything i didn't do right, and venting about how i don't know what her dreams are, i don't know what her fears are, i don't know what her insecurities are and that she wants to be with someone who doesn't have to fight for her that just loves her... and some other stuff but basically the same. and then ends the text with "please just stop "fighting" for us, me. its done. its too far gone. This threw me off big time. I told her i really want to work it out and even though she doesn't want me fighting for her i didn't wanna give up, and i didn't want her to give up on me...That's basically where it stands everyone. This just happened about two days ago.. January 30 i believe. During this whole period of the no contact 23 days, and now this, i haven't slept barely, i have zero appetite, I've got a very stressful job. i have breakdowns almost every day. everyone tells me the same thing, that i need to just move forward but its so hard. its so hard to hear these things from someone that you've been with for over 4 years and its like they really just don't care. And it all happened because i found out she slept with someone. its really putting a toll on me and i really want to fight for her. i just don't know what else i can do. ive told her how i felt, and how things will be better but all she does is shut me down. Ive never felt so low before, and i really think shes got someone "occupying" her time now, which is making this a lot easier for her to do this, and the thought of that kills me, i was planning on marrying this girl. Anyone help....

This is over. The lies, the mistrust... It is simply broken.

thanks for the reply, yes i feel the same way...i just have a feeling inside that tells me to fight for her, just try. This is by far the hardest thing ive ever had to deal with...

She doesn't want you to fight. She wants to be single...or casual with Ber new life.

You really are only hurting yourself. Let go and swim toward shore.

Again i appreciate it. All the feedback the better.

You lied about sleeping with 4 girls in order to get her to confess, then once she does you get angry? Then you make up a phone number to pretend to be the other guy, she's upset and you tell her it was a joke?

It sounds like you guys were on a break...talking but still on a break and she slept with one guy once. Think about these scenarios with the roles reversed? There's lies and games being played.

Yeah I know, I agree, I wish I could take it back, but I cant of course. I knew she was hiding something and in order to get that out of her I felt like I had to do something that low. Yeah it sucks really bad because I want things to work out. Im more than willing to forgive her, which I already have more times than I can count and she is being so cold and will not even contact me on the phone, everything has been said over text. Any Advice, Is there a chance that we could work it out? like I said before, 3.5 years of our relationship was next to perfect, we never argued, never fought, we bickered a little every now and then but nothing out of the normal. If There is any possible way to try to work this whole situation out, What should I do and how should I approach it. I haven't talked to her since Sunday the 31st and really don't want to keep pushing it back. I feel the more time I wait around, she will or already has found someone since we already went on a 23 day no contact. I want to be able to talk to her in person, but Im sure she'll deny that. A lot can be done face to face, texts and phone calls don't do anyone justice.....Advice please, this is killing me and messing with my head and overall health..

Its over. Dead. What you did was beyond the pale.

I agree I messed up. But any Male would be mad to find out that someone was hiding this from them for 5 months, I def over reacted when I broke up with her, but that hurt to hear. I wish I would have never brought It up. I just feel like I needed to know for my sake, and to think she would do that made it even harder. I thought she wasn't that kind of person. I still want to hold on to what we had because we had such a great relationship. Maybe she'll snap out of this mood. Atleast that's what im hoping for. Driving my self crazy about it.

She isn't going to snap out of it. You showed extremely poor conflict management skills and were soooo so wrong that there is no trust left on either side.

its seems like a lost cause, but if you were to give me some kind of advice Mhowe, other than move on, would there be ANY chance of a possibility to get her back, what would you advise me to do. I know you said its dead, its over, swim for shore, but sometimes you just never know. Please, any advice Thanks

Buddy...she doesn't want to get back together. She wants her new life. And while she slept with someone after you guys broke and lied to you, what you did was jumping on the crazy train.

No sane woman would take you back.

I kinda just went through the same thing if you read my post. You're deff not alone in these situations.

Me and my now ex have been going through some rough times and I found out after the fact that he lied to me about having sex with another girl while we were broken up. I found out by looking at his phone and was devastated. I felt cheated on even though i technically wasn't and couldn't get the thought out of my head. I've been fighting for him for so long that I didn't wanna it to all go to waste. I told him I would learn to forgive and forget and we can move forward in our relationship but he says its tainted now and they're will just be future fights and never any trust. He broke it off with me after this.

Even though this was his decision I agreed to it. We decided that maybe space was the best thing right now and how in the future we still wanted to marry each other and have a life together.

So my advice is to do the same. Move on with your life and focus on yourself and your career. Once she sees you're doing fine and happy on your own and have the confidence you once had in yourself she'll come running back. Shes gonna go out with other guys yeah... but no one is gonna replace you and the 4 year relationship you had. She needs to see on her own that she had a good guy here all along and wont realize that until she gets the space. She will miss you and wondering why you stopped fighting. And i'm going to do the same with myself. It hurts and it sucks but whats meant to be is meant to be.

I totally understand it just really hurts. I feel like ive hit rock bottom. She acts like she wants nothing to do with me. I texted her best friend recently just because, my ex always talked about how I never made an effort to like her friends, she seemed really cool and said there was no need for an apology and that she was sorry about me and my ex. She then made the statement she hopes for the best for me. I hate that.

I am sorry for your pain, I am finally getting a grip on things after a year of grieving.. do not let anyone put a time frame on what you're going through. As far as your ex, she seems to be venturing off into the world and doing her own thing.. I know it's so hard to do but just step back for a while and let things happen naturally. Begging and pleading will not make someone realize that you two belong together. Take things day by day.. start a journal, start eating and rest properly. I know it feels like your stuck with a dark cloud over your head but time is the ultimate healer. She knows exactly how you feel and you have done all that you can do. If it's meant to be it'll happen but don't force it.

Thanks A lot for your Post. Im trying Lovelydani87. I seem to have up days and down days, mornings are usually the worst. Im a personal trainer part time and have been against smoking my whole life, i just recently have been buying cigarettes and i feel like a complete wreck. But they actually calm me down for a few short seconds. I really hope she comes back, after all she has said, i don't have a lot of hope if any.

Not to be rude but I think it's against the rules to post the exact same thread twice. I am sorry for your pain, but I agree with the advice in the other thread. It appears this relationship has run its course and it's time to start the trek up the road to healing. It will be rough. It will be painful. There will be good days and bad, three steps forward, two steps back, but you can make it through. If exercise and relationships with friends or family are not helpful, you might consider seeing a therapist or your doctor to see what they suggest. Smoking is not the way to go. You are in the beginning stages of this thing - the worst part of it. All your hope should not be placed on your ex, you can have a wonderful future without her in it. Don't contact her, don't look her up on social media, don't try to get any kind of updates about her life. Time to go forward. She has made her choice and although it's not to your liking, true love would respect her decision and step back.

Threads have been merged.

Thanks for the advice, im def gonna back off. Its putting such a toll on my life. doing the things I used to love to do, Im having a hard time doing. I cant even watch t.v, or listen to the radio. If she comes back, she comes back, if not...oh well.

It's normal to feel that way, but do things anyway. It will help the depression. Don't sit idly for too much time during the day. Give yourself some time to grieve and then make a plan for each day - what you are going to do that day. I wish I could say it was easy...it's not, but this is where you are for now. Is this your first breakup?

No its not. Def the longest. My last relationship before this was nearly two years. I got over it in about 2 weeks or so...This one is so much different. I really planned on marrying her, well, proposing. its tough. Its weird because I have a feeling that its not over yet and just need to give it some time. but then again, she has never acted this way before. so I really don't know. I hate holding onto false hope, but in this moment, im kinda stuck ya know.