I think about this all the time now

I have had a very rough 6 months. First the only woman I ever gave my heart to dumps me by text and goes to my cousin who also works with us. I tried doing everything possible to help me get through this but nothing is working. I cry my eyes out everyday, I throw up before going to work quite often. I can't laugh anymore, I put on a fake smile at work. I been researching suicide near death experiences to see what could await me. I see a therapist weekly but it doesn't seem to be helping. My family just tells me to just get over it but I can't. One brother actually wants to beat the crap out of me thinking that's what I need, my mom actually supports this. I'm at my wits end, actually considering going through with it. Not sure what else can help me.

Do you see your therapist specifically about the break-up, or for other issues? Have you actually discussed the break-up with your therapist? How long have you been going for therapy? I only ask because you say it's not working.

That said, it sounds like you rely heavily on other people making you happy. That will never work. You have to be happy within yourself before you find happiness with others. You sound very young. Continue with your therapy.

I'm 35 years old and yes the therapy is about the break up

It's easy to feel trapped in life. Stuck in a job, a relationship, addicted to something. But the fact of the matter is that all things in life are temporary. When I was a kid I remember thinking "I'm never going to be out of school" and now that it's past me, it seems like it went by SO FAST. Life moves quickly, and everything is subject to change. It's clear you're not in any condition to date anyone new. Just take some time and work on yourself. Think about the person you want to be, and reach out to be that person. Do you want to be muscular? Then join a gym and start working out. Wanna learn how to dance? Then take a ball room dancing class (women will be dropping like flies for you if you know how to dance, btw). Pick some long term goals and start taking steps towards completing those goals. It will take time for your brain to sort out this crap in your head. Accept that it will take however long it needs to take. We all move at our own pace... don't try to rush it. But know this... It WILL work itself out. Don't be so hard on yourself. You didn't fail here, things just didn't work out in your favor. There's no replay button in life, so quit dropping your thoughts in the meat grinder. You can't change the past, you can only accept it.

Yeah, it must be tough because it seems that you work with your ex and your cousin who picked up where you left off. That really sucks. It is making it more difficult to get past this for sure. Is it possible for you to get a job elsewhere? I think it woud help you to move on. Just remember one thing, "This too shall pass." Your life is a precious thing, more precious than anything else on earth. To throw your life away over this matter would be a tragedy. I really encourage you to seek other work because going to the same job seeing her and your cousin is just rubbing salt into the wound. It is making it almost impossibe to recover from this breakup. You will recover if you give it distance and time. chi

I haven't really been seeing them though I have been avoiding them whenever possible but I'm still in the same area where they work. Could it be that me being in that area is too painful? Also I can't believe it doesn't look like it bothers her at all! She crushed my world and she moved on with no problems at all.

Chitown9's suggestion of changing jobs is a good one. A new job not only will get you away from your lame cousin and ex, but it will also naturally do more to occupy your mind. Maybe try something entirely new in regards to work?

You don't know that she hasn't moved on without problems. That's pure speculation. And why are you worried about what she is feeling? Focus on yourself. Again, quit dropping your thoughts in the meat grinder. Go read a book or play a video game... anything to distract your mind. These thoughts you keep having aren't going to work themselves out in the front of your mind (the meat grinder)... you need to allow the quiet part of your brain work this stuff out in the background. Just keep distracting yourself. By the way, exercise or any physical activity that will make you sweat, is a great way to release the chemicals your body/brain need. It will reduce your stress and help clear your head. Also watch your diet, stay away from greasy meats and eat a bunch of vegetables. Having your body feel "light" can help to improve your mood.

Thanks Kevin, chitown and cap. She was my first love and I still am trying to get through it. I still love her even with all the bs she's put me through.

Ah, but you don't love her... you love the IDEA of her. That's an important distinction. Who she really is, isn't who you thought she was. And when her true colors were revealed, it was clear you two were incompatible.

I've made wrong judgement calls on people before... heck, several times over the course of my life. But it doesn't mean I'm going to get it wrong the next time, or that I was wrong to think/feel what I did at the time those people were in my life. You gotta be open to the heartache for the chance at love. This time it was heartache, and so too may the next woman you date bring you heartache. It's simply one of those painful parts of life.

I recently lost a dear pet. A dog I'd raised from a pup who slept in my bed most nights. She was the best dog I've ever known... so sweet. When she passed I was a total wreck. Talk about reducing a grown man to tears. Uggh, just thinking about it now is painful. But you know what? I knew I would outlive her when I adopted her. Does that mean I should never adopt another dog because I'm afraid to face heartache again? No. Because that would mean that I'd never know the love of a dog again. And the thought of not having a dog's love in my life again is unfathomable.

Here's another story for you. I'm a widower. I lost my wife to cancer in 2006. Our love was intact when she passed. Would you advise me never to date again because I went through this horrific experience? Should I forever close myself off to any future romantic love in my life? It's illogical, right? There is great truth in the saying that's it's better to have love and lost, than never to have loved at all.

I think you're in love with the idea of this woman, but really that's not for me to determine. But even if you truly with all your hear loved this woman, the fact of the matter is... for whatever reason... the relationship is gone. Does this mean you should never love again? Is that fair to yourself?

When my wife was dying of cancer we had long and deep talks. One thing she made sure of was that I wouldn't lock myself away from the world. She told me how blessed she felt to have received my love while she was around, but also told me I had more loving to do in life and to find someone else to lavish my love upon. I haven't found that someone else yet, but I've had some wonderful relationships too. Had I locked myself away and remained angry at God/the universe for taking her away, I would have only hurt myself in the long run. I had to learn to let go so I could receive love again. You need to do the same.

No I really do still love her, not the idea of her, her. I always will, she was the first that ever made me feel what I thought was a myth.

You've built her up into a person she is not. Period. Quit lying to yourself about who she really is.

The feelings you developed for her were also based on these lies. Hence, not born from love. You need to think long and hard about what love really is. I'm not trying to discount your feelings here, or tell you what you felt wasn't real. What I'm saying is that love can't exist with lies.

I think what you felt probably falls under the umbrella of infatuation for most people. Regardless, your next step is still the same. You need to start making moves to improve your own life and well being. Things will get better, I promise. And that my friend, is no lie.

You seem a bit immature. At 35 you should be pretty well equipped to deal with this situation. I mean it sucks, a lot, no matter how many time you experience it but you're 35 now, you should have the understanding that life is full of ups and downs. Sometimes life sucks, sometimes it's awesome.

I agree with your family that someone needs to knock some sense into you (not literally of course) but seriously do not allow this woman to have so much power over you that you end your life. No one deserves that much control of your emotions.

Stick with therapy, it can take months to help. Again thinking that therapy is an immediate fix is very immature. Focus on yourself and learning to mature

You seem a bit immature. At 35 you should be pretty well equipped to deal with this situation. I mean it sucks, a lot, no matter how many time you experience it but you're 35 now, you should have the understanding that life is full of ups and downs. Sometimes life sucks, sometimes it's awesome.

 

I agree with your family that someone needs to knock some sense into you (not literally of course) but seriously do not allow this woman to have so much power over you that you end your life. No one deserves that much control of your emotions.

 

Stick with therapy, it can take months to help. Again thinking that therapy is an immediate fix is very immature. Focus on yourself and learning to mature

I'd be cautious calling it immaturity. People go through different phases at different times life. Also, sometimes cultural differences can delay experiences. Perhaps the OP was not allowed to date when he was younger. Perhaps he was focusing on education or whatever. You can't really knock people for where they are in life. We all mature at a different rate.

That said, Iggy makes some good points OP. Sticking with your therapy and being patient with the results you see. And focusing on yourself, which I and other posters have suggested previously on this thread and the other you started.

It's not that I couldn't date I just wouldn't ask girls out on account that I was 350 lbs and hearing impaired. I was the guy who everyone wanted as a friend but never more than that. So I lost the weight, 140+ lbs I lost. Shortly afterwards she came into my life. I never been so happy because someone finally accepted me and loved me. Now after losing her I have reverted back to the way of thinking that I'm not worthy of love and hate myself even more than I did when I was huge. I haven't worked out in over a month due to a shoulder injury that I got from all the working out I was doing after the breakup. Immature? Maybe, but my therapist told me that people go through heartbreak differently. How would you feel though if suddenly you had to see your ex and current bf all the time. I'm gonna train on another job soon and it's far from them if it doesn't help me then yes I will have to find a job somewhere else. I pray everyday for help and a solution. But honestly I get why people do end it all, it's not because they want to die or hurt someone else. It's when the pain is greater than the coping that person has.

I too swore I'd love my ex "forever". I too said he was the love of my life.

Well guess what? I didn't, and he wasn't.

He's tried to "hang out" with me a few times. I've turned him down twice. Why? Because I don't love him anymore. Time took care of that.

I think getting a different job is a great idea.

And don't let her and your lousy cousin ruin the fitness you've achieved. They're not worth it.

Okay, now more information is coming to the surface. OP, you lost more than 140+lbs and you say it like it's no big deal. Dude... that's incredible! Anyone who has lost 10lbs knows what kind of discipline and dedication that takes. To take charge of your health and loose the amount of weight you did is inspiring!

Now you just have to apply that same discipline and dedication towards healing your heart. It's clear you feel your size and disability have been barriers in terms of meeting someone. Sitting where I'm at, I can't honestly say one way or another so I don't want to blow smoke. But I can tell you there are definitely women out there who prefer bigger guys. I know of a gorgeous woman who dates a really big guy. She's super tall and big boned, I think 6'2" tall, and works out a lot so she's very muscular. I asked her once why she was dating this guy she was (I hadn't met the guy at this point) because it seemed that she could "do better" as far as who she attracts. She then began to tell me about all the guys she tried to date. Most all of them were intimidated by her stature and of the guys who weren't they just ended up to be real jerks. So she threw the height requirement out the window because she felt like it was limiting her options. Here comes along the big guy, I'll call him Jake. Well Jake stands about 5'10" tall and is built like a linebacker. He's a good looking guy, but nothing special. He has a big belly. I asked why she didn't want to date someone more fitness oriented, and she said they work out together and that he is very strong... just that he's a big guy. I asked about the sex and she said it was the best she's ever had. When she was on top she was able to easily stimulate herself on that big belly of his. Huh, I never thought about that, but it makes sense. She went on to tell me that basically he brought out the feminine side of her. He weighs more than she does and is a strong guy, and so he was able to toss her around a bit in bed, which it turned out she really enjoyed. In other relationships she told me it felt like she was the man and that she was going to "break" her partner if the sex became more aggressive. But with him she felt small and dainty and she really enjoyed being taken care of in that way. And then I met Jake and knew they were perfect for each other. Not only did this intense and exciting physical relationship develop... but Jake treated her like a queen and is just one of the nicest guys I've ever met. He was smart, educated, well employed, etc. They got along brilliantly while I was observing the two of them. They are still together today and even engaged now, btw.

My point is this... If Jake wasn't confident enough in himself to ask her out, they wouldn't be together now. Did he face possible rejection? Absolutely. But he didn't discount himself to the point where he felt he wasn't worthy of love. This is what I feel you're doing Jgeorge. You're discounting yourself based on this preconceived notion that no one is going to like you or find you attractive. But the reality is that you never know who is going to find you attractive. And the good news is at your age this should be getting a little easier. Unless you're trying to date 20 year olds... which is a whole other issue. Women our age tend to be focused less upon our looks and more upon what's inside. I think as we age we are simply better able to hone in on the important stuff. After all, a person could end up in a wheelchair or as an amputee or burned in a fire... any number of scenarios can happen. If the relationship is based solely upon the physical, it won't have a chance of being flexible enough to weather the inevitable changes that come in a long term relationship.

While I applaud you for your effort on improving your physical health and appearance, you can't stare at yourself in the mirror and wish you were someone else. You just have to work with what the good Lord gave you. Not all of us can be a Leonardo DiCaprio. I'm certainly not. But if you never work on that inside stuff... your morals and values, your sense of humor, your ability to empathize with others, conversational skills, etc. you'll never attract the woman you truly want to attract. You'll end up attracting people who want to use you for one reason or another.

Confidence and swagger are just things that kinda ooze out of us. Women intuitively pick up on these traits. If you're always acting like Eeyore and are pessimistic and down on yourself... that comes through. That even comes through that fake smile you put on at work. Then people will start to avoid you and it's this endless spiral of self loathing. Ask me how I know.

In regards to your hearing disability, I don't that's stopping you from meeting quality people. It sounds to me like you're using that as an excuse. You're putting that hurdle in front of yourself. And I hope you know there are specific dating websites devoted to people who are deaf or suffer from hearing loss. I just checked out one to see who was in my area and there's a very attractive woman 50 miles from me. But it turns out she wants to date someone who is deaf, and knows ASL, so I'm all out of luck. There's someone out there for you, I promise. But you'll never attract quality women without being the best version of you that you can become. And remember, there's no finish line here. Life is not a race, it's a learning process. Take time to heal and keep working on improving yourself. You can do this, just like you lost those 140+ lbs.

I appreciate that I really do Kevin, you said how the one guy treated her like a queen. That's what I did with my ex, all the time, people actually thought we were married already when we first started dating. I thought it was meant to be.

You bet, anytime. Jake does treat her like a queen, but my friend who I'll call Sarah also eats that stuff up. They're both the very mushy/sappy romantic types. I think a lot of people just get the wrong impression about Sarah. She has a gorgeous face and body, to the point where she's done some fitness modeling and been in body building magazines and so forth. But she's so tall. She intimidated me when I first met her, I'll admit. Her biceps are bigger than mine and I work out a little and am a mechanic for a living, so my arms are pretty stout. But despite her beauty I wouldn't ask her out because I felt small standing next to her and I just imagined it would be awkward. Jake on the other hand is a beast of a guy. And his physical size makes her feel safe. Safe being the operative word here. I think that's biological for women to want to feel smaller than their man and the opposite goes for us. As a man I know I typically am more attracted to women who are smaller in stature than myself. I want to feel like I can protect her. And this probably goes back to our caveman days when might was right.

It's just about finding that right person. I'm not a romantic card and flowers kinda guy personally. So those women who want that I'm simply not compatible with. Those actions always felt forced to me, and I can't keep up what feels unnatural to me. I'm more of a cook you dinner and vacuum the living room kinda guy. Anyway, point being is that dwelling on the "why" things ended is a bit of a pointless endeavor. Chances are you'll never find out. So why use up your brain on a question that will never be answered?

I haven't mentioned this yet, but also think about this factor. If you truly love her, why can't you be happy that she's happy with someone else? I have exes who I still love but our time has past and they are with other men now. The thing is, I don't feel any resentment or longing. I definitely don't want to replay our relationship, because they all failed for one reason or another. I'm actually quite glad that they've found someone to make them happy. I'm glad they aren't dwelling on me or our failed relationship. I'm sorry things didn't work out between us... but still. It's not like I'm going to wish terrible things happen to them or that they be single for the rest of their lives. That would be some terrible karma for me. Like Sting says, "If you love someone, set them free." And you can apply that rule to yourself. Love yourself and set yourself free. Forgive and accept. Forgive and accept.

Because it hurts so much that she couldn't be happy with me.

Because it hurts so much that she couldn't be happy with me.

I think she was probably happy... just that her feelings changed. What used to make her happy didn't any longer. It's not your fault if she never communicated with you in regards to her changing feelings.

Relationships aren't "locked in" once two people commit. It's not a thing to be accomplished, check things off the list and we have a great relationship. Taking care of a relationship is a bit like taking care of a houseplant. Granted it's a lot more effort to maintain a relationship, but my point is that you can't just buy a plant, stick it on the shelf and be done. No. The plant needs water, it needs sun, occasionally needs fertilizer or to be moved into a different room as the seasons change or turned around so it doesn't grow crooked. A relationship is no different. It will require constant maintenance and attention.

People change. Quite frequently actually. Loving someone is accepting not only who that person is today and who they were in the past, but also accepting the future version of that person. Change is inevitable. This is why it's so vital to find someone who approaches life in the same way. Someone whose foundation of values is close to you own. For it is this foundation that will serve as the basis for guidance in the future.

It hurts because you thought the fantasy was reality. And when the reality was truly revealed, you had problems facing the facts before you. I'm so sorry it didn't work out for you. I really am. But wallowing in self pity is not healthy. You know this. It's like going out to eat a bacon cheeseburger after you've just worked out. Not what your body wants or needs. You're in a boat with one oar, spinning in circles. Time to jump out of the boat and start swimming towards shore.

I can empathize with your situation. It's incredibly tough when someone deceives you. You wake up in the morning and for a split second you feel okay, then you feel the negative thoughts wash over you, your face muscles contract and you get that empty feeling in your gut. It's just the depression manifesting itself physically.

You said your shoulder hurts so you haven't been working out. I have a terrible shoulder from carpentry and auto mechanics. A bad back and knees too. I've done a lot of hard physical work in my life, and still doing it to some extent. Anyway, I've found when I'm aching I like to ride my bike. Big muscle groups with the legs, easy on the knees and no problem at all for the shoulder or back. Another thing I like to do is swim, though I don't always have access to a pool. Another great low impact workout.

Forgive and accept.

Is there no chance at all in the future though? I wasn't bad for her, I still think my cousin clouded her judgment.

Is there no chance at all in the future though? I wasn't bad for her, I still think my cousin clouded her judgment.

There is only a chance of a future with her if BOTH of you want it. At this point, it seems she is not on board. Maybe time to learn to accept she is not coming back. With acceptance, comes peace.

You're right Capri. I have to just let her go....it really hurts though