Does he have a drinking problem or am I over reacting?

Hi,

Sorry in advance if this is a bit long. I started dating my bf about 4 months ago. We met when we were 18 (liked each other back then and kissed once) but he ended up getting back with his gf at the time. Fast forward 10 years and we reconnected on facebook. Turns out we live on the same street too. In that time he has also been married and divorced (no kids involved). Anyway we get along well, he's caring and affectionate and we rarely argue. I like him a lot.

The issue is his drinking. I worry he may turn into an alcoholic. In the beginning he would have red wine almost every night. Then it cooled down. He has mentioned he almost became an alcoholic after his divorce but stopped himself. A month and a half into the relationship he me some of my family members and friends at a party and we all had a bit to drink but at the end of the night him and another guy almost got into a fight (apparently) yet he says he way only trying to "take it outside".

On the Occassion he has been home alone and drank to the point of getting drunk and slurring his speech. At this point I raised the issue and we agreed he would drink together of socially, not alone, as he admitted he needed this "kick in the butt".

On nye he had been drinking a fair bit and got angry with me over something petty and I felt I couldn't reason with him. He was doing silly things that night. The next day he felt embarrassed I think and decided he was going to stop drinking for a while. The very next day he had 2 beers at lunch even though I didn't drink, and the day after, wanted to get wine at our picnic. Then again a week later he asks me to bring a bottle of wine over even though I said I wasn't in the mood to drink. I basically brought the bottle over but left because I was worried we would argue and I know he was also tired/ had a long day. I told him something felt off about the drinking and he just said "not tonight" , so I left.

Just wondering what other ppl think of this and whether I'm over reacting of its a serious issue?

Also just on a side note, we see each other nearly every day as we live so close, I know 4 months isn't that long but we spend a lot of time together. Living close by, whilst helping him look for something, i came across some tablets (similar to speed) and me being a pharmacist, I know there's only one condition for them - ADHD/ADD. I just find it odd that he's never mentioned this to me?

If he can't control his drinking, he's an alcoholic.

He may be on prescription meds though I don't see why you think he should have mentioned it to you.

I dated someone like him years ago. Maybe I am projecting but the fact that he brought the wine, and he realized no drinking was going to happen he made excuses and left. And he almost picked a nonsense fight to do so.

The guy I dated did things like this. . meaning, he would abruptly cut dates short and it would catch me off guard.

As it turned out he needed to get home to drink. The pull was that strong.

From what you shared it does sound as if he likely has an issue. You need to trust your gut on these type of things.

There is a higher incidence of use for those with ADHD in an attempt to do what they think will neutralize themselves.

He's got attention deficit disorder, isn't this something he should have mentioned?

He's got attention deficit disorder, isn't this something he should have mentioned?

Uhhmmm , it's only been 4 months. Depending on how serious you two are, yes I think it's about time he disclosed that.

The fact that he hasn't mentioned yet is of concern but everyone's timing is different. If he waits any longer than I would be concerned.

I brought the wine because he asked me to, even though I told him i wasn't planning of drinking. It would've been him drinking and me not. I guess I was just not wanting to see it that night and tired of him saying one thing but doing another. I was the one that left though.

I'd met his family (his mum and sister- his dad hasn't been in the picture since birth) and he has talked about moving in together and getting engaged. It is pretty serious.

I brought the wine because he asked me to, even though I told him i wasn't planning of drinking. It would've been him drinking and me not. I guess I was just not wanting to see it that night and tired of him saying one thing but doing another. I was the one that left though.

. . ok got it.

If you are concerned, then you are concerned.

No one is going to tell you not to be concerned.

The fact that he drinks alone to get drunk is disconcerting.

You are not overreacting at all. You already recognized what kind of person he is, now it's time to accept it.

You shouldn't have to change him, not this early in the relationship.

Personally I would end it.

I'd met his family (his mum and sister- his dad hasn't been in the picture since birth) and he has talked about moving in together and getting engaged. It is pretty serious.

No it's not. And above is another HUGE red flag. It's only been 4 months, not even close to talking about moving in or marriage.......

I'd met his family (his mum and sister- his dad hasn't been in the picture since birth) and he has talked about moving in together and getting engaged. It is pretty serious.

In 4 months? That is a bigger red flag than the booze or his lack of medical disclosure.

Drinking alone itself isn't a huge red flag. I drink alone as I live alone, I mean, to drink by myself - that would require going out. However, I only drink 2-3x a month and not to get drunk.

The issue here is that he drinks to get drunk (very big red flag here) and he acts out when drunk yet still continues to drink. Also, he decided to stop drinking but then suddenly started again?

Look, at the end of the day, whether or not he is an "official" alcoholic, it doesn't matter if YOU are uncomfortable with it. For example, many guys around my age go out 1-2x a week and drink to the point of being drunk at a bar with friends. I'm sorry, I know that's "normal" but I don't like to be with someone who does that. It doesn't appeal to me and I think the money is better spent elsewhere.

Personally, I drink a lot. The only times I drink during the day are social events or if it's like the first week of my off season. Honestly, after 15 weeks of 60+ hour days, I'm ready to enjoy a day-long buzz and kick my feet up and play the PS4.

For me, there's a difference between someone who simply really enjoys drinking and someone who's an alcoholic. That could just be denial on my end, though. I do occasionally drink alone, but never to get drunk. I'll also typically drink 1 or 2 glasses of whiskey or red wine after work.

I come from a family and culture where if there aren't any responsibilities and it's time to relax, there's gonna be wine involved, too. If that's daytime picnics, so be it. But I'm also not gonna be the only dude sucking down on a bottle of wine during a picnic if that's not what my girlfriend's friends are into. It wouldn't bother me at all.

What I don't like is him being belligerent and losing self-control while drinking. He also shouldn't need a "kick in the butt" if he letting it get out of hand. I admit there have been times I've seen a couple extra bottles in the recycling and thought, "Alright, I gotta scale back," but I think you should care enough about your own health and general cognition to regulate yourself.

It doesn't matter if his drinking his clinically alcoholism. If you don't like it, drop him. No, I don't think you're overeating.

A glass or wine or a beer doesn't make one an alcoholic. However, getting actually drunk or buzzed daily does and eventually it gets worse from there.

Anyway, 4 months is not serious. Talking moving in and marriage at this stage is a red flag the size of China. This is one of those where YOU need to realize that your desire for those things might be overriding your basic common sense where you are falling for words and trying to tune out big problems in the name of calling yourself Mrs. Frankly, guys who talk things like that so soon, are usually not actually serious about you, but know how to string you along putting up with their carp. Probably best to walk away before you get even more invested in this. You already are way over invested and you barely know him.

There is no such thing as "I almost became an alcoholic." He's basically admitting he drinks too much and knows it, but is not stopping. And the whole fight with another guy while he was drunk is a huge red flag. So is his drinking then getting angry at you. So is his repeated swearing he'll stop drinking then going ahead and drinking anyways.

The guy IS an alcoholic okay? He's already out of control, you can see it, he keeps saying he'll stop but doesn't, he's getting into fights and you at four months in when you should be all over each other and not even able to see anything else, are already being asked to bring booze and then leaving him so as not to get started on a drunken fight. The man already has a drinking problem and you can see that. How often do you sit home alone getting drunk to the point of slurred speech? No? I didn't think so.

I've already done my share with the alcoholic parent and working in a field with people who were alcoholics or in a relationship with an abusive alcoholic or drug addict, so all I can tell you is if you persist in sticking your head in the sand and telling yourself he's not an alcoholic--when me a total stranger but familiar with alcoholics, can tell you he is absolutely text book alcoholic already--then all I can say is good luck and I hope an angel is watching over you're shoulder. Because you're going to need it and more.

I will of course tell you to run, not walk for the nearest exit. He already is an alcoholic and at four months in you've already seen him drunk and getting into fights and becoming hostile while drunk. And it's all downhill from there sweetheart. You just better pray he's not a violent drunk to you once he really lets the mask drop, which I think is what is coming. And I hope I'm wrong, but I also hope you have enough common sense to just walk away before it gets to that point.

And unless he enters a treatment program, which would at least be him admitting he had a real problem, stop believing him when he says he won't drink anymore. You can already see a measly four months in he lies about that. He's lying to you and himself about that as you have already seen.

Plus why isn't he working? How come he's already trying to strong arm you into moving in with him? How come he's asking you to bring him booze? Is he out of money? Is he looking for someone to support him and his habit? I think you need to step back and take a good long clear honest look at all that, because if he's got time to be sitting at home getting drunk off his butt something is very, very wrong with this picture.

P.S. I drink a glass of wine or two alone at home yes on occasion. BUT I've never been slurred speech drunk by myself no, because I feel no reason to get that drunk. In fact, common sense says if I were going to get that drunk I'd want people around me to help if I fall down or the house catches on fire or I stupidly try to take a bath and drown myself. The fear of passing out and being helpless gives me enough common sense not to get drunk by myself to the point of slurred speech. Hell, I don't even get that drunk in public and haven't since I was 20 years old. Think about it. Is that what you want by way of a partner? Someone you'll come home to who's been drinking all day by himself to the point of falling down, slurred speech, picking fights drunk? Yeah, there's your future all right.

He has mentioned he almost became an alcoholic after his divorce but stopped himself.

I think the ^ statement is not only very concerning, it's a potential hint at what's ahead. Another cause for concern is his failure to tell you he was on meds for the treatment of ADHD, or is he using them for recreational purposes, since Ritalin among other drugs can be highly addictive.

Either way, it appears you have enough information to re-evaluate this relationship.

Here are the DSM-IV-TR diagnostic criteria for alcohol abuse and dependence:

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The DSM-V is more current, but not a lot of it is posted online yet and these criteria are still applicable.

I tend to qualify it two ways.

You "like" to drink. (I like to drink. I don't drink much and I don't need to, but I do like it)

or

You "need" to drink. Ultimately abstaining would be difficult (this - to me - would suggest alcoholism is likely)

Would your friend fall into either one of these and if so which one?

It's pretty irrelevant whether an expert would diagnose the guy with alcoholism. I've worked in the alcohol and drug abuse field for years, and I can tell you that it never 'works' to tell someone that they have a drinking problem.

What matters is that YOU have a problem with his drinking. Whether he's willing to do something about it is tricky, because if he views himself as curbing this for you, he'll just go through the motions and resent you for it over time, or he'll just get sneaky and go on binges without you.

The other relevant problem is that he's speaking of marriage and family only 4 months in. That's the kind of intensity that can't hold up--and if you're buying it, you're overly invested in someone who is unstable.

I'd stop viewing this guy through the vision of rehabbing him--you can't. I'd preserve any future potential by telling him that I adore him, and that's why I need to walk away while I still think highly of him. He can work out whatever issues motivate him to drink for a buzz, and if he's ever free of his ghosts and his booze in the future, he can contact you and you'll meet to catch up if you're still available.

Otherwise, you're sticking around for a crash and burn. You'll only keep investing yourself until he pulls a whopper while under the influence, and by then, you may or may not have the clarity to walk away. Do you really want to put yourself through that?

Head high, and attend some Alanon meetings if you want to educate yourself.