Set back 9 months after BU

Hi everyone,

I have not posted on this forum for quite some time now, as things were getting much better. Long story short, my ex girlfriend broke up with me for the second time 9 months ago after a one-year long on/off lesbian relationship, the main reason being in my opinion that she is immature and unlike me was not ready to be in a serious and committed relationship. We have not been in touch since, most probably because my melodramatic farewell email ended on the fact we were out of each other's life for good. Unfortunately, that didn't trigger a grand epiphany in her since she has never made contact since. However, I interpret her silence as a sign of respect for me, as fortunately she is not the type to mess about with people's wishes and feelings.

The first few weeks and months were really tough, as I was very much in love with her and had huge expectations from that relationship. It felt like a massive failure on my part after having made so many efforts in vain. But things got better gradually, although the recovery was punctuated by recurrent set backs. Last October I met a new girl, and we have been dating since then. Things have been great with her: she is funny, smart, cultivated, and unlike my ex who barely took ownership for anything, she is always willing to plan and organize activities together. In many ways it is such a relief to date someone who puts the efforts in making things work - which is how it should be in a normal relationship!

That being said, I have found myself thinking about my ex a lot more recently. This probably has a lot to do with my new girlfriend being currently away in South East Asia. I miss my ex and a part of me would still like to have her in my life, but that is something I cannot afford. Last night, the friend who introduced me to my ex sent me a text message asking me if it was ok to invite my ex at her wedding. She was asking because she didn't want me to get upset at the wedding, and also emphasized that my ex would understand should I not want to see her around. That text really shook me out. I found it very thoughtful of my friend to ask for some kind of "permission" as I have always assumed that both my ex and I would be invited no matter what. However, that request put me in the difficult position of having to make a decision that would impact several people. Frankly, I really don't want to bump into my ex, let alone at a wedding where we will be stuck in the same room for hours. But not only doesn't my ex deserve to be put aside, my friend has the right to invite whoever she wants at her wedding, simply because it's her big day. And so I responded that she could of course invite my ex, since she is her friend too.

It might not seem like a big deal but I have been feeling uncomfortable, apprehensive and very sad since receiving and replying to that text message. I barely slept last night and had not felt this way in months I have always found it hard to manage my emotions and am quite an open book. The wedding is in 10 months from now and so in theory I have plenty of time to adjust, but I have no idea how I will go through this without mumbling, getting red like a tomato or wanting to cry at some point. I just know I have to, and that bloody scares me. I guess that also says a lot about how I still feel about my ex...

If you still don't feel like you will be able to handle being around your ex by the time the rsvp comes, tell your friend who is getting married that you are unable to attend. Or if you decide shortly before the wedding that you can't do it, you could reimburse your friend for the meal that she paid for that you won't be present to eat (ie, more expensive gift than you would otherwise get or a giftcard/cash in addition to a gift). It's not standard to pay someone back for being a no-show at their wedding but I was sure annoyed when I paid for meals & people just decided not to show up when they said they would be there without even saying anything to me before or after. An acknowledgement & apology alone about not showing up when you say you would be there would go a long way. Actually covering the expense that the couple paid for your attendance would more than make up for it in my opinion.

Sucks to miss out on a milestone in your friend's life but you do what you have to do for yourself. I think you took the high road not being the one to request or demand that the bride exclude someone from her wedding. You might be surprised to find how much progress you'll make in the next 10 months. But if you don't, remember that attending a wedding where your ex will be present is not the only option, even if you initially said you'd go.

I found it very thoughtful of my friend to ask for some kind of "permission" as I have always assumed that both my ex and I would be invited no matter what

Well ---- since you assumed it would happen the way it is panning out --- I think what has shaken you is that you had to "take responsibility" for, in fact, making it happen.

Since you have 10 months, and since you have a current gf, I would work on reminding yourself that your last email was the "closure" that so many seek.

It was very nice of your friend to ask you if you minded her being there -- but ultimately, the wedding is not about you, and your friend would likely regret not having both of you there for it. My suggestion is to go, have a good time, and stay clear of your ex as much as you can. You're going to support a friend. That's all.

And if you absolutely cannot do that, then it's you that needs to be the one to back out; your ex shouldn't have to miss out on something just because you're the one uncomfortable.

If you still don't feel like you will be able to handle being around your ex by the time the rsvp comes, tell your friend who is getting married that you are unable to attend. Or if you decide shortly before the wedding that you can't do it, you could reimburse your friend for the meal that she paid for that you won't be present to eat (ie, more expensive gift than you would otherwise get or a giftcard/cash in addition to a gift). It's not standard to pay someone back for being a no-show at their wedding but I was sure annoyed when I paid for meals & people just decided not to show up when they said they would be there without even saying anything to me before or after. An acknowledgement & apology alone about not showing up when you say you would be there would go a long way. Actually covering the expense that the couple paid for your attendance would more than make up for it in my opinion.

 

Sucks to miss out on a milestone in your friend's life but you do what you have to do for yourself. I think you took the high road not being the one to request or demand that the bride exclude someone from her wedding. You might be surprised to find how much progress you'll make in the next 10 months. But if you don't, remember that attending a wedding where your ex will be present is not the only option, even if you initially said you'd go.

Many thanks for your advice. I think the invitation will land in my letterbox within the next couple of weeks. So I will RSVP, work on my current relationship which is doing great at the mo and hope for the best. If I really don't feel like going to the wedding closer to the event, I will endeavour to have a face to face conversation with my friend to explain myself and apologise. I need to man up a bit, I don't want to let my friend down. But as you said I also have to be kind to myself -- what's the point going to an event if it makes me feel like a mess, leaving people around uncomfortable and wondering what's going on.

Well ---- since you assumed it would happen the way it is panning out --- I think what has shaken you is that you had to "take responsibility" for, in fact, making it happen.

You always seem to nail it That's indeed what surprised me. I was more than tempted to answer no, that would make my life so much easier -- but I could not imagine my friend saying to my ex: "Sorry H, I would really like you to come along to the wedding but E will feel too uncomfortable in your presence". It would be unfair on my ex but also make me look like the bad guy whose feelings are dictating who can come and who cannot. At the end of the day, my friend's question undoubtedly stemmed from good intentions, but it could have been an easy trap for me to fall into. So yeah, I still have work to do!

It was very nice of your friend to ask you if you minded her being there -- but ultimately, the wedding is not about you, and your friend would likely regret not having both of you there for it. My suggestion is to go, have a good time, and stay clear of your ex as much as you can. You're going to support a friend. That's all.

 

And if you absolutely cannot do that, then it's you that needs to be the one to back out; your ex shouldn't have to miss out on something just because you're the one uncomfortable.

You are right, thanks for your post. If I decide I am too uncomfortable to be around my ex, I will walk away so that she can go and enjoy the wedding. But who knows, maybe she will be the one who decides to pull out. That already happened after our initial breakup -- she didn't turn up at a party our mutual friend had organised, and I only found out afterwards when we reconciled that she bailed out last minute because she didn't want to bump into me. The situation will be different this time though, we're talking wedding not some random summer party.

I had not dreamt of my in ages, last night was the third night in a row. Urghhhhhhhh

Reactivating this thread just to give an update and put things into words.

So, my friend's wedding is this Sunday. With the event approaching I got a bit more and more anxious at the idea of seeing my ex but decided that I could face it and would go to my friend's wedding. Now, I have never doubted that my ex would behave in a cordial manner towards me, and had no intention to ignore her either. However, I did not expect her to send me a text message this Monday after a year and a half of radio silence. Her message was basically along the lines of "Hey, hope you are well. Sorry for texting you out of the blue but with our friend's wedding approaching I thought it would be good to get in touch to make things easier for both of us." That was frankly a pleasant surprise to see she was making the effort to reach out to me, and perhaps also admit that she expects that seeing me won't be easy for her. I replied to say it was very thoughtful of her and that I would see her at the wedding. There has not been any further communication since.

That message brought up the old memories, and if I am honest with myself, I still care very much about her. I have had 10 months to adjust to the idea of bumping into my ex at our friend's wedding, and work on my current relationship. All is well with my girlfriend: everything has been so easy, drama-free and chilled out with her. But I don't know, there is something missing and the perspective of seeing my ex combined with that message is making me question everything: the sustainability of my current relationship and the resurgence of buried feelings for my ex.

That message "out of the blue" months after the BU from an ex you still care about... Nice at first, and then your mind starts wandering and wondering. Wondering what the "real" motive behind the text was: nothing more than plain courtesy, check whether I had any intention to cause a drama at our friend's wedding, testing the waters to see if we can have the "it's been a long time, let's be friends now" conversation, testing the waters for a deeper conversation? Yep, I wonder, even though I should not.

That message brought up the old memories, and if I am honest with myself, I still care very much about her. I have had 10 months to adjust to the idea of bumping into my ex at our friend's wedding, and work on my current relationship. All is well with my girlfriend: everything has been so easy, drama-free and chilled out with her. But I don't know, there is something missing and the perspective of seeing my ex combined with that message is making me question everything: the sustainability of my current relationship and the resurgence of buried feelings for my ex.

 

That message "out of the blue" months after the BU from an ex you still care about... Nice at first, and then your mind starts wandering and wondering. Wondering what the "real" motive behind the text was: nothing more than plain courtesy, check whether I had any intention to cause a drama at our friend's wedding, testing the waters to see if we can have the "it's been a long time, let's be friends now" conversation, testing the waters for a deeper conversation? Yep, I wonder, even though I should not.

Personally I think that missing feeling in your current relationship is just nostalgia and curiosity speaking out. It'll disappear when you stop comparing your relationship to your past, something that no longer exists any more. It's just fantasy at this point now.

If you look up the whole "grass is greener" terminology. You'll see so much similarity in what you are feeling.

Personally I think that missing feeling in your current relationship is just nostalgia and curiosity speaking out. It'll disappear when you stop comparing your relationship to your past, something that no longer exists any more. It's just fantasy at this point now.

 

If you look up the whole "grass is greener" terminology. You'll see so much similarity in what you are feeling.

Thanks for you reply. Well, I met my ex-girlfriend at our mutual friend's wedding on Sunday, and in a weird way it went as well and as wrong as it could go. I need to start a new thread to let things out and seek advice. You were right about the nostalgia and the curiosity, but not so much about the GIGS. I am, in fact, struggling right now, to make a decision as to whether I want to pursue my current relationship, not because of GIGS, but because of what happened at the wedding, and the things that came out of my mouth.