Ugh... Ex-gf and I will be attending the same New Year's Eve party

Was looking forward to a friend's New Years Eve party, and then I found my ex will be attending as well. She was diagnosed borderline personality disorder, and the relationship was very chaotic and intense, and it left me feeling very hurt by certain things. It's been a little less than a year since we've broken up, but I had to go through a protracted, often painful process to get her to pay me back some money she owed me, so it's only been a couple of months since I've really been able to sever ties.

This obviously isn't that big of a deal, but the idea of running into her does make me anxious. Everything is cool, we're on good terms. I forgave her for some of the craziness, etc., and I tried to make amends myself

I haven't spoken to her for about a month (funnily enough, our last communication was party related... I ran into her and her new boyfriend unexpectedly at a party, said some kind words but then kind of surreptitiously left because I didn't think I wanted to be there. She texted me a day later at like midnight asking if I was weirded out by seeing her. I guess I didn't hide it as well as I thought lol)

I know I don't want to avoid this party because she'll be there. Truly, the idea of seeing her there does get to me, but I don't want to give someone that power over me. I don't know what's best though. A part of me almost wants to (try) to take full control of the situation, contact her before hand to ask if she's going to the party and offer to catch up at the party. We're on good terms, and that's a plausible conversation. I know that sounds weird, but I'd almost prefer establishing something before have rather than going into the party not sure how I'm going to handle the situation.

I suppose the other option would be to go the party and just acknowledge her kindly/cordially, but not go out of my way to interact with her. As stupid as it sounds though, I don't really want to hurt her feelings, and give her the impression I'm giving her the cold shoulder.

I don't know, is this making sense? Any advice, insight, feedback would be appreciated!

You want my honest opinion? I wouldn't go to the party. I'd find something else to do. Clearly, you aren't at the right place emotionally, otherwise you wouldn't have even posted this and be caring/obsessing about the right solution. Use that as a good indicator of where you are at emotionally. Your health and sanity is primary here. Don't go to the party. Avoid it. Do something else. And DEFINITELY don't contact her to ask if she's going to the party and offer to catch up. Oh hell no. And don't worry about hurting her feelings.. your only concern should be YOU.

You want my honest opinion? I wouldn't go to the party.

I second this.

Thanks for the feedback. I really appreciate it! Yeah, it might be a good one to avoid this time around lol.

You want to contact her beforehand to suss her out before the party? Why????

Your still letting her have power over you, and she isn't even doing anything to cause this.

Ha, good point! I'm obviously definitely not above that lol.

Thanks for the response though. I got a little of my emo out just by going over the situation, and I feel better about it, and I probably just won't go just to keep things simple.

Ha, good point! I'm obviously definitely not above that lol.

 

Thanks for the response though. I got a little of my emo out just by going over the situation, and I feel better about it, and I probably just won't go just to keep things simple.

"Probably" just won't go? You ask for our advice, then don't take it. DON'T GO TO THE PARTY. You'll feel so much better the next day knowing you didn't. No good can come from it. You're not in the right place, emotionally, to be around her. And do you really want to see her and her boyfriend kissing during the ball drop? DOUBT IT.

Oy, good point, I didn't think about the ball drop, etc. Yeah, that would make me a little uncomfortable. Good for them, but not something I want to be around when there are plenty of other fun things to do New Year's Eve.

All right, it's set. Not gonna' go! Thanks all for the advice. It could have been simpler, but whatever, I had to indulge some ridiculous notions. Thanks again, though.

No party for you. Stay away.

Besides, what is there really to celebrate or party for? Just bunch of made up BS "new year"....whooptie doo

If you can handle her at the party go. But it honestly doesn't sound like you can. The reason you want to catch up at the party is to see if there is still a chance. It won't end well.

Yeah, I think that's clear. Glad I got some unbiased opinions, but there's a compelling consensus here

It's not about her having power over you at all. It's about you not wanting to be around her. You are empowered to make the choice to avoid her... like a boss.

I don't know the full story of your relationship and the break-up but, all things being equal, I'd give it a miss.

It kills me when someone says "Ugh, my ex is going to a party I'm going to. I don't know what to do."

There are two things you can do:

1. Go, and end up miserable, guaranteed. If you're upset about her being at a party, you're probably not over her. It's a party! Parties are supposed to be all happy slappy, not miserable.

2. Stay home (or go somewhere else) and avoid all that drama. Yeah you may be kinda down because your ex is at that party, but you'll be significantly less down than if you went.

I'd definitely choose #2!

I could be wrong, but since you're both on good terms as you stated, I'm getting the vibe that you still have hope, as well as thinking this could be your golden chance. Of course, I apologize if I'm wrong.

Either way, your best option is to not go, and at the same time work on moving forward.

Thanks for your reply! We are on good terms, but I don't want to get back together with her. That would be bad for me unquestionably.

But I think you're right that it's best for me not to go. That sucks because it's a good friends party so I don't want to flake, but maintaining some distance is definitely best for me atm

Your good friend will understand.

^^I agree, Your friend will understand.The best thing is not to go

Well, given that the bandaid has already been ripped off of you seeing her with her new BF I'm not sure you should avoid the party. And I say that, because it will likely be less hurtful this time around. First time is always the worst. No do not contact her about it, you aren't together, it's not like you owe it to each other to give a heads up.

I say go the party with your friends, have a great time, flirt and dance, if you see her a simple nod and "howya doing?" as you sail on past are all you need to do, should do.

It's been nearly a year, the time for hiding and avoiding is kind of done. You got the money back, she's the one who should hang her head in shame at what she put you through, realize you came out of it all right. And move on with your life.

Normally if the breakup had just happened I'd say yeah don't go, but it's been months now. You cannot avoid her forever nor should you be putting your own life on hold on the off chance you may run into her. Just something to think about, but if you feel it will be more of a setback to see her than it will to stay home knowing you could've been out having fun then don't. It's a balancing act and only you can really weigh the pros and cons.

I would pick a different party.