Ex leaves kids behind

Hello everyone, I am new to this forum but I've come here because I'm in need of advice. I've been feeling a little bummed lately due to some problems that have been present since my divorce but just recently have gotten worse.

I am a 29 year old mother of two. When I was 19 years old my ex and I got married and had two beautiful children. My son is 8 years old and my daughter is 5. Everything about us family looked perfect to everyone else, we seemed like the perfect family. My mom adored him, all of my family thought he was the perfect man for me.

It was only me who knew how it truly was between us. We were like complete strangers living together. He refused to open up to me, every time I had a chance to talk to him he would be too busy and would never pay attention, always doing his own thing, outside, with his family, alone. When him and I would finally have days off together he would take off and go to the gym instead of spending time with me and the kids.

We lived like that for 8 years, I got accustomed to living lonely, no emotional support. There were times when we were together physically but his mind was not there. His routine was his job, sports channel, eat and go to sleep. Even making love was dull, not once did he care if I was pleased. It was all about him. As with anyone though, It wasn't just all bad, he was always a hard worker, responsible,and caring man, he just thught different. Always did his best to provide for his family. When I worked and he was off he took care of our kids, and i seen he was great with them. Due to his qualities and for the sake of our family I tried for 8 years, but I just felt so empty inside, so lonely, so emotionally unsupported.

I finally decided to leave 3 years ago. I filed for divorce and when my family and friends found out no one supported me in my decision. My mother and ex both tried getting me to go to mairrage counseling, everyone said I was making a huge mistake. No body could see how it truly was between him and I. I felt so unloved by him, something that no one understood. Well after going to court and getting everything settled down we signed our divorce papers, the judge ordered child support and we both went our separate ways.

Child support was ordered pretty high due to his income earnings. He couldn't pay for a few months at first so he got some arrears. He asked me to lower it but I would tell him that was an order by the judge and we'd have to modify it by court. Needless to say he remained being a great father, only this time he wanted the kids every single day he was off. It surprised me given the fact that he never liked spending his spare time as a family. I noticed that after the divorce he was mire dedicated and involved than ever before. Always caring about their extracurricular activities including sports, dance, and scouts. I was amazed on how much he had changed, and how much time he was willing to finally sacrifice in order to be with the kids.

It all remained that way and it was as if we both had the kids half the time. He would tell me he didn't like paying the big amount on child support yet he'd always be on time.

Until about a year ago he stopped picking them up as often, he started telling me he wasn't gonna take them to their sport practices because he had no time. I was okay with it and assumed he was legitimately busy. He had gotten into a long term relationship with a 21 year old and assumed that maybe he was trying to move on and be happy so I didn't say much to him other than the kids missed him.

One day the kids told me that he was expecting a baby with his partner, that they were gonna have a baby girl. After that he started picking them up even less, then he suddenly just stopped. It's been about 5 months that he has not seen them, called them, or asked about them. He doesn't even want to financially support them, he brings the child support check about two weeks late, and I always have to keep reminding him I need it if not he won't even drop it off. I have heard rumors that he is wanting to give up his parental rights because he cant afford his new family and financially taking care of these kids and he doesn't want to deal with me.

I'm trying to stay strong but it all just breaks me down inside, knowing that my kids ask for him and he doesn't care to see them. I tell him they miss him but he doesn't answer his phone. He fell of the planet for them, and after being an involved father it hits hard on us three. I just don't know what to do? I don't know what to think?

You feel broke down? Imagine how he felt, He was a hard working family man and it wasn't good enough for you so you divorced him. I agree with your friends and family, and what else are you not telling us here? Did you meet someone else?

You feel broke down? Imagine how he felt, He was a hard working family man and it wasn't good enough for you so you divorced him. I agree with your friends and family, and what else are you not telling us here? Did you meet someone else?

I stayed with him for 8 years to try and make it work. I'm not gonna put the blame on him. We both didn't communicate at all. I tried fixing that though, I kept trying to plan family activities, family time.

The entire time we were together he only took me out on 3 dates, and that was just at the beginning.

I'd go to sleep crying and he not once asked me what was wrong. I wish he would've talked to me to at least show me he cared

Did you ever go to have the child support amount lowered?

Did you ever go to have the child support amount lowered?

No. I never did. I receive 1,120 and most of it goes to daycare, after school programs, medical co pays and other activities for the kids. I told him he is welcomed to file a motion for modification.

Rumors are going around that child support is the reason he wants to give up on the kids, but I don't feel it's right for the kids to be punished in this

It's not uncommon for men to give up on their last families when they start new ones. I don't think any judge would let him terminate his parental rights just because he wants a do over though.

In some cases he is able to remove his rights as a father and in some cases he might have to still pay child support. However, it seems that their somethings that are missing from what you told us. But he maybe just trying to start off fresh some man do that once they found that girl that can fill that void that you left. He was heart broken when you divorced him he would of liked if you went to counseling but you decided no. Truthfully you should of spoke to him how you felt before deciding to end it. I understand that you felt like it wasn't gonna change but talking to him could of did something. It is a lot of child support that he is giving you but then I don't know what state you live in because every state is different. But just get ready he might just leave tall alone till the new baby gets older, that's what normally happens.

Your background marriage with your ex sounds like what many fall into which leads to either a life of complacent coexistence or divorce if you BOTH don't stop and truely see each other's perspective. From his perspective he was basing his success in his marriage on being the best provider for his family as possible. This is the way he *thought* he was showing he cared and was committed 100% to you and the family. It's not uncommon, it's just how a lot of men see their value in marriage. You based your success in marriage on how your personal relationship with him was and showed him you did by doing the things you mentioned. There's no doubt you tried and there's no doubt that he was *thinking* he was doing everything right. It's unfortunate that by the time the lightbulb goes on for either one of you, it's too late. It sounds like maybe the lightbulb did go off for him after divorce but again, for you it was too late. Your wall closing him out was well built by that time. Hopefully he has learned from this experience and you have as well. If not, he's doomed to repeat it.

Regardless, all of that is chalked up to life learning experience and is all past. The important thing for BOTH of you is your obligation and care, financial and otherwise for your children. The court system cares nothing of the breakdown of the marriage and any emotional fallout due to that. If he is unwilling to step up to the plate and care for his children, then the time, effort and resources that he *would* be dedicating toward that go to you. This is why child support is adjustable with respect to financial obligation.

Have you considered offering joint custody and going to court to cut his child support payments by whatever amount to reflect the reduced expenses?

It does feel like you're leaving out other details of the marriage that may incriminate yourself. And I know better than to take a woman at her word when she says a man doesn't "open up."

But I digress. It can get very emotionally exhausting to be financially providing for the kids but only seeing the kids during scheduled visitation or when it conveniences the custodial parent (e.g. taking them to practices). There's no substitute for having your children living in your home. While the exhaustion doesn't excuse the father for dropping out, it's something I can at least understand happening. Think about how much it would suck for you to not have your children in your home regardless of how often you got to take them out for dinner or to practice.

He also doesn't have the option of dropping his parental rights in exchange for not paying child support. Not in the US at least.

It's time to talk to your ex about his neglect of his kids and yes to go see a lawyer. Tell your ex in a nonconfrontational way you know about the new family, you get it, but it's not cool he just abandons the kids and cuts them out of his life.

Get a lawyer, go back to court, work out a new deal--one that has him not skipping his responsibilities. He may have a new family, but that does not negate his responsibility to the family he had. If he wants the child support payments lowered that's one thing, but taking it out on his kids is not acceptable. And you may very well have to renegotiate and mediate with him to get it fixed.