Questions regarding what happend to my marriage, the guy who helped destory it.

I’m still new at being divorced and I’m trying to understand what happened and who was involved. My ex-wife met a guy in a cooking chat room and from there they began texting and sexing as the kids call it. I don’t know if it was lucky or not but I stumbled on a file my ex kept on our computer of all of their texting interactions so I know pretty much all that was said between the two of them from when they first met to right after she left me four months later. This guy went way out of his way to pursue her. Feeding her all of the standard lines like “I love you more than your husband ever could!” He said that less than two months after they first met. Calling me a loser! Numerous times in those first few months. The question I have is what kind of man would go after an older married woman with a young child at home? I did an internet search for “psychological profile of a man would go after an older married woman with a young child at home but came up with nothing. All I found was the opposite. Married men with kids at home who have affairs with younger woman. Is what happened to me really that rare or do people just don’t want to talk about it?

Are you actually divorced already?

The profile is he is a lonely, selfish sob who doesn't give a rats butt about your wife or kid and will likely be gone before next summer.

They are called losers and stupids .

Yes I am divorced.

People have affairs for all different kinds of reasons. The only person who can really answer the "why" in your scenario is your ex, and the likelihood of you getting a straight answer is pretty slim.

If you can't get over this hurdle and line of thought on your own, counseling with a pro might help. It's tough to be plagued with the why's and what's and how's and all of that, but it's normal. Eventually it should get easier and you'll realize that why she did it is on her, and that not all women are going to be like that.

Hang in there!

I did an internet search for “psychological profile of a man would go after an older married woman with a young child at home but came up with nothing. All I found was the opposite. Married men with kids at home who have affairs with younger woman. Is what happened to me really that rare or do people just don’t want to talk about it?

I'm not really sure there's a psychological profile of any specific cheater. People just cheat...the reasons are not always the same. But I've always been one to think that if someone can take your lover away from you that easily, then you never really had them in the first place.

Maybe he got caught up in the infatuation stage and thought the connection was one-of-a-kind.

Maybe he is a sociopath and he was bored.

Maybe he liked the challenge of seeing if he could get a woman to leave her husband for him.

Maybe he is lonely and has low self-esteem and he couldn't walk away from the ego boost.

But I think your time might be better spent trying to understand what was missing for your ex in the marriage, so you can fix it for next time if it's possible. Not saying at all that you are the one to blame here, but all you can do at this point is look at what you can change, not lament how unfairly you've been treated. Treat this as a learning experience and move onward and upward. I hope you find some peace soon.

The guy is just some player who enjoys a good chase and really, could be any random schmuck. The only reason he could feed your ex waife all the bs lines is because she was welcoming them. The real question you should be asking yourself is what was going on between you and her that she went looking for a connection and romance somewhere else and to such an extreme that she actually left. Btw, while mid life crisis is more prevalent in men, some women also go absolutely nuts. So it could be that you two had problems or it could be just her.

Of course this guy is a low life sleaze, but your wife chose to participate in this fiasco, and was fully aware she was crossing the line. No one held a gun to her head, she had a choice here, and she'll eventually have to pay to the piper.

I'm sorry this happened, but I believe it's only fair to also do a search on the "psychological profile" of what kind of married woman with a small child would leave her marriage, to shack up with an online sweet talking "Bozo?"

In any event, I hope you find your way through this...

I'm that guy - the bozo, the loser and the idiot. While I didn't chase the woman (she relentlessly chased me for months even after I shot her down time after time, because I didn't want to get involved with a married woman, yet eventually I caved), she was older and claimed she was getting a divorce, which she did but that's beside the point. It does, however, take two. Both your ex and this man are responsible, and I'm not trying to diminish either role.

If it brings you any comfort, years later I still feel like trash and carry the guilt from what I took part in, and no matter how much her family and kids said they were glad I came along, no matter how much I've apologized to God, it never made me feel better about myself. This other guy in your case, unless he has zero capacity to feel anything - his feelings will catch up with him, and he will question whether or not she's cheating on HIM now. It's only a matter of time. And if he DOES have zero capacity to feel anything, she'll probably cheat on him anyway. Again, this is coming from the horse's mouth so I hope it helps some.

I'm so, SO sorry this happened to you. Truly and from the bottom of my heart.

Procreation without religion, morals, ethics and conscience is responsible for it's misuse/misdirection.

But that's not your problem Abaco. You are asking about the symptoms of what happened to you vs. the problem.

Some reasons why a wife cheats:

1. Incompatibility.

2. Trapped.

3. Neglect. (Not genuine love.)

4. Abuse.

I want everyone to know that I in no way blame only this guy. I know it takes two to tango. I have done research into why a wife with a young child at home would choose this path. Her reckless behavior sounds very much like midlife crisis and we had talked about this in the past. My ex is an elementary school teacher in a small town. When all of this happened I worked harder then she did to keep this under wraps for her sake.

We had a great story book marriage at the beginning but events happened to test it. I'm an exercise physiologist who was at one time well known for my work with trying professional and collegiate athletes. I even trained a rather well known actor and helped him bulk up for one of those comic book made into live action movies. We had for the most part a charmed life, the only thing missing was we had trouble getting pregnant. Then in the course of one Summer I got sick. I started losing muscle, strength and stamina. For six months the doctors believed I had ALS, scariest six months of my life. It took over a year but I was finally diagnosed with a form of muscular dystrophy. For the next few years I couldn't work as much as I used to and even though I still found work in my field most people chose to work with other strength and conditioning specialists. Through all of this my wife was great, always at my side.

One thing that really hurt was in her text messages early on she told this guy about what happened and that's when he started calling me a loser, at one point saying "you deserve better than to be married to one of Jerry's kids!" The thing that really hurt was that she didn't defend me.

Anyway, I'm not saying all of this to have you kind people give me your sympathy. I just wanted to give you the Cliffsnotes of my past.

So in the end my marriage wasn't perfect but we did finally have a great little boy who I thank god everyday. Maybe "in sickness and in health" is to much to ask from anyone.

No, it isn't. If was too much for her to deal with.

One of my friends has come down with MS. And her husband didn't tell her he was laid off until he found another job, just so she wouldn't worry. He got up every day and left the house...and when he landed the new job, then he told her. THAT is "in sickness and in health".

First of all, you must get this other person thing out of your head. Right now, there's hundreds of him/her within a miles of you.

She started it and you don't know why.

How long were you sick and did it affect sex with your wife?

Do you think you were compatible from the start?

P.S. Stop trying to write on book on this. It's already been published ten thousand years ago and we all read it.

First of all, you must get this other person thing out of your head. Right now, there's hundreds of him/her within a miles of you.

She started it and you don't know why.

I agree with this!

Stop focusing on “the guy who helped to destroy your marriage”. You had a relationship with your wife, not with this guy.