Mental health and my mother

All my life, my mother and I argued and fought like cats and dogs but in the end we were always close. Upon her divorce I offered her my home and for 4 years she lived under my roof while she went back to school, learned a trade, found work and moved on with her life. However, it was during these years I began to notice a different person. Unlike most in this world that wake up in the morning, commute to a job, and work hard for a living and responsibility allocate the earnings to everyday life needs; my mother seemed to have difficulties with such pressures. These task seemed to bring out a Jekyll & Hyde personality; the pressures of work would bring out anger, illogical behavior and it unmasked what was always dormant in my mother =mental health.

On any given day my mother would randomly pass by my home and with a face of steel, eyes cold like a shark and a voice filled with anger would spill complaints regarding the world. The local traffic angered her, her work angered her, her friends angered her, life in general angered her. Later I would learn that those who suffer from mental health –when psychosis hits- those who they love the most become their most intense target of hateful, illogical behavior. And so it was, every time I would attempt to calm her down she would lash out at me and like an atomic bomb exaggerate and verbally abuse me. In the beginning I did what any human would do and fought back.

Eventually I got tired of fighting and began to walk away, get in my car and go for a ride. An hour later I returned and find her in a total different state: calm, relaxed and with the behavior of a vacationer who had slept for 30 hours she seemed refreshed and happier than ever. It was a Jekyll and Hyde personality that shocked and confused me. My attempt to explain her behavior from the prior hour would be met by total denial as she would claim that “no such thing ever happened” or “I am your mother I would never talk to you like that”. It was during these moments that I realized something terribly was wrong with my mother’s state of mind. I attempted to persuade her to seek professional help but she would refuse. I noticed fear in her; fear in seeing a mental health specialist.

With time I began to notice that her episodes got stronger therefore, I began to set boundaries. Tired of her verbal abuse, I gave her an ultimatum and made it clear that I was not going to tolerate her future psychotic episodes and encouraged her to see a mental health specialist. She thought I was bluffing.

Whenever my mother faced stressful situations (either from work or personal issues) the monster would come and like a demon from hell would use me like an emotional punching bag –for no logical reason. In our final two encounters (one of these was in the presence of a guest) I noticed that if she could not see my face, then she would interpret my voice as hostile. This gave me the impression that she was hallucinating. In her final two mental breakdowns, I allowed her to spill all her anger; when she finished I confront her and using a loud stern fatherly voice called out her full name and demand that she pick up her belongings and leave my home. The result shocked me; with a low toned child-like voice (4 year old) she responded with “but I am your mother; how could you say such a thing”? I held firm and demanded that she leave.

My mother always claimed that she would do anything for her children. In her last episode I gave her an ultimatum and demanded that she either see a mental health expert or never have future contact with me. She chose the latter.

It has been over a year since I last saw or spoke with my mother. While many on this forum might conclude that I am cruel, my decision to eliminate my mother from my life has enhanced the quality of my life 10X. On the other hand, the absence of her screaming, irrational behavior, hallucinations, constant conflict made me reflect on a lifetime which had nothing but calamity. I do not have one pleasant memory of my mother; not a hug, kiss or moment which I wanted to spend with her.

Has anyone on this forum faced such issues (not from a girlfriend or boyfriend) but from either a father or a mother?

I do not seek any sympathy and instead use this forum as a form of therapy which allows me to express what seems to be the toughest obstacle of my life. I thank everyone for reading and welcome all comments and feedback.

You didn't ask for my sympathy but you have it. You did not need anyone's permission to "throw your mother out". You were very patient to last 4 years with her. In the end you had no choice.

Walk with your head held high. You deserve it!

In hindsight, the early signs of dementia in my mother were like this ---- a lack of social censor, an argumentative personality. However, she was willing to acknowledge that something was off and to address what she could.

To be PERFECTLY honest I see some signs of what you describe in myself. Scary.