How do I ask him?

Ok, so I'm in kind of a different situation and I don't know what to do. A few weeks ago my partner of over 5 years broke up with me. We live together. Since then he has been staying with a male friend some days and then other days he comes home. I think the reason he broke up with me has to do with some kind of a quarter life crisis, grass is greener as a single guy, and just feeling like we are together too much. Now we have been getting along better recently and it does seem like there is a chance we will get back together. He also has not told many people about the breakup and either have I. Now here is the problem....

When he first broke up with me he booked a trip for him & a male friend for 2 nights to the Ukraine. I think it was as a rebellion. Now he doesn't really seem to want to go anymore, but he is because he has the tickets. He will be leaving this weekend. I know that the place he is going to is known for extremely beautiful women as well as a big nightlife and a lot of strippers, prostitutes, and other sex workers everywhere. Since he is technically "single" if he were to hook up with one of these women he "technically" wouldn't be doing anything wrong. I'm not saying that he is even planning on it, but it IS crossing my mind a lot. He's going with another single male friend which doesn't help my concerns. I would like to somehow ask him not to hook up with anyone else during this trip, but I know he's not really in a relationship with me.

The thing is that I really feel like we will get back together, but if he sleeps with someone else this weekend I will not want to anymore. I also was letting him have "his space" and I wasn't wanting to feel like I was pressuring him to be officially back in a relationship with me. I don't care if he takes time for himself and goes out with friends, but I really don't want him to hook up with someone else because it will turn me off completely from the possibility of us getting back together. For me this is really important because the area he is going to has the highest rate of HIV & other stds in Europe So I am concerned about my health for one. Also, I will feel like he just wanted to have a fling and then get back together with me. I have been using this time to be single to improve myself and spend more time doing things I usually didn't do while in the relationship. I have not slept with anyone else and I don't plan on it until I know that my partner & I would absolutely not be getting back together.

My partner & I have slept together once since the breakup, but I told him I don't want to again until we are really in a relationship. Other than that we are still intimate in other ways such as cuddling and holding each other, flirting, etc. Is there a way that I can tell him he is free to do what he wants, but just so he knows if he does decide to sleep with someone else I won't be interested in him sexually anymore? I want him to otherwise have fun on his trip. This just the way that I feel about him hooking up with someone else and I think I should somehow tell him ahead of time so he doesn't do something he can't take back. How can I have this conversation without "telling him what to do"?

I think while he is gone on his boys' trip, you should pack up and move out of the apartment for good. You don't say why you broke up (or maybe I missed it), but I think it's best to treat this as a permanent breakup and move on.

Hmmm, I think you've left it too late. You either need to make up before he leaves or figure out how to get him to not go on the trip.

But you've got no guarantee he won't sleep with someone. (Although I don't know why you think he hasn't slept with someone else already.)

Is there a way that I can tell him he is free to do what he wants, but just so he knows if he does decide to sleep with someone else I won't be interested in him sexually anymore?

Yeah, tell him exactly that.

But to be fair, I think you need to accept that he might sleep with someone else. (At least if he does it in the Ukraine, you know it's just a casual one-off.) I think you need to adopt a don't ask, don't tell policy when he returns and just insist that he gets tested before sleeping with him again.

Sorry --- your perceived right to tell him what he can and cannot do as a single man ---- doesn't exist.

Sorry --- your perceived right to tell him what he can and cannot do as a single man ---- doesn't exist.

I do not want to tell him what he can or cannot do. I simply wanted to let him know what my feelings are and where I personally stand. We are not at the start of a new relationship, but we "broke up" 3 weeks ago and are currently in limbo after an almost 6 year relationship where we still live together. If he decided to break up with me and then go on vacation and have a one night stand that is fine. I just want to let him know that I will not be willing to get back together with him after he comes home because I would feel used. This is just my personal boundary and I want to tell him this. I'm pretty sure he doesn't think I'd be happy if he hooked up with someone on vacation, but at the same time he might not think it means we won't get back together. I don't even know if he WOULD sleep with someone, I just know the temptation will be there and he might.

I know he will do whatever he wants regardless, but I just want him to know that he might lose me for good based on the decisions he makes. I don't want him to sleep with someone and then be surprised when I don't act the same way towards him. It's not like it's something you can take back. I know we are not currently an official couple, but he has told me that he still likes me. The reason why I don't want to just ask him to be official with me again before the vacation is that I was giving us some time apart and some freedom (I mean with friends, hobbies, time, not sexual) before getting back together so we know for sure that is what we want. However, like I said if he decided to hook up with someone this weekend (even though it is technically his right) I would feel used. In this situation I would much rather have him start dating someone seriously and realize he just didn't want to get back together. This trip just is at an awkward time and it's unfortunate that he booked it when we first broke up.

If you feel that you need to lay down the fact that if he has sex with someone.else he will never have sex with you, go ahead. Don't be surprised if it backfires.

Don't you think after 6 years, he knows your boundaries? Do you think telling him "think 2x before you have a booty call because I won't be waiting in the wings if you do" is going to change his mind? Or sound like you are unclear that you can of expect fidelity from someone who broke IP with you....and schedules a vacation in a sexual paradise?

I completely agree with what you are saying. I didn't know how or even if I should this up. I also realize that it could completely backfire and he probably already does know that I wouldn't be happy about it. I guess I am just panicking now. It just worried me that he could do something in the moment and then say, "but it wasn't cheating" and then expect me to be okay get over it eventually. I already made up my mind that I will not.

I also don't even like the fact that he is going there. But once again I cannot tell him what to do and I won't. He is also going there because a friend is visiting at the same time for work so they are meeting up. He also scheduled this when we weren't on good terms. Now we are and he's acting sheepish about the vacation. I just said it's fine that he's going. Maybe I just won't say anything about everything else and hope for the best.

So let's say he did? Let's say you told him how you felt?

Do you believe he would volunteer the information? Do you think that despite what he says you will always wonder whether he did or not?

There are a lot of what if's.

This is the situation at hand and all you can do at this point is decide what you will or will not do. That's all you have control over.

Trying to control him or his actions is pointless.

I know you'll say you aren't trying to control him.

Go ahead and tell him how you feel. I think it's fair enough.

But that's all you can do. . sit back and wonder.

Curious. . are you ok with your relationship being demoted to casual at this time anyway?

I would start with your present situation and leave the rest to work itself out the way it's supposed to.

I think the bottom line is, you're in denial and refuse to see this for what it is...a breakup. He's a free agent by his own choice, yet you're choosing to accept crumbs by allowing him to come and go as he pleases. With that said, of course he's going to use that to his advantage.

In any event, it's not your place to tell him you will no longer sleep with him, if he chooses to sleep with others while away. You're trying to bargain with him, and it's going to come back to bite. Just my opinion, and hopefully you choose wisely.

I am not really okay with the relationship being the way that it is. Since things were going in a positive direction, I was just letting it be for the moment. I would like to be a couple again. He is the one who ended things on a whim one day. He felt "trapped" and like I was too dependent on him. I also think he was curious about being single since we've been together for most of our 20's and he is having a quarter life crisis. I have been trying to show him how independent I really am and focus my hobbies and other activities. The thing is that I felt we were going to get back together. If it weren't for this vacation I would 100% know it would happen very soon. Of course if things didn't continue to progress I was planning on moving out and moving on. He has not been hooking up with anyone else here (of course that I know of or that he says) and either have I. We both have only told a couple people about the breakup & not our families. He just told me last night that he is still very attracted to me. He gets very jealous when I casually mention other men to him. I really love him and I just hope everything works out.

Curious. . are you ok with your relationship being demoted to casual at this time anyway?

I would start with your present situation and leave the rest to work itself out the way it's supposed to.

I am not really okay with the relationship being the way that it is. Since things were going in a positive direction, I was just letting it be for the moment. I would like to be a couple again. He is the one who ended things on a whim one day. He felt "trapped" and like I was too dependent on him. I also think he was curious about being single since we've been together for most of our 20's and he is having a quarter life crisis. I have been trying to show him how independent I really am and focus my hobbies and other activities. The thing is that I felt we were going to get back together. If it weren't for this vacation I would 100% know it would happen very soon. Of course if things didn't continue to progress I was planning on moving out and moving on. He has not been hooking up with anyone else here (of course that I know of or that he says) and either have I. We both have only told a couple people about the breakup & not our families. He just told me last night that he is still very attracted to me. He gets very jealous when I casually mention other men to him. I really love him and I just hope everything works out.

Then ask him.

The lines are blurry and ambiguous.

It leaves a lot of room for misunderstandings and gives him a lot of wiggle room.

Are you supposed to sit on the sidelines like a good little girl and not make any waves in hopes he'll return to the relationship?

Meanwhile he gets to do what he choses on his terms?

Look. . break up, means break up. You should have moved out and moved on at that time and not allowed him to demote you to fwb/roommate.

If the two of you reconciled, great! But it would have done respectfully.

Trying to win him back by being available and compromising yourself all for the sake of not letting him feel `trapped' is the wrong way of going about it.

And if he did indeed feel you were too dependent on him, you are confirming the notion by hanging around on his terms and not having some self respect

and giving exactly what he thinks he asked for in the first place.

There is no motivation for change here. . .if change is possible.

Again. . deal with your current situation and not the trip.

He wants to be single. Which translates into sleeping with other women.

From what you have said in your post you seem fairly certain that you are going to get back together and therefore all your thoughts are based around that. Thus you therefore feel you still have a certain amount of influence over what he does. I'm afraid breaking-up with someone doesn't work that way.

Is there a way that I can tell him he is free to do what he wants, but just so he knows if he does decide to sleep with someone else I won't be interested in him sexually anymore? I want him to otherwise have fun on his trip. This just the way that I feel about him hooking up with someone else and I think I should somehow tell him ahead of time so he doesn't do something he can't take back. How can I have this conversation without "telling him what to do"?

You can't. Neither should you. Telling him that he is free to do what he wants sounds like you are giving him your permission ... which of course he doesn't need. Besides which, that sentiment means absolutely nothing if it is then followed by "but just so you know, if you sleep with anyone else we can never get back together".

He ended things for a reason and whatever he does from hereon in, it is because he wants to. I know you are hurting, I know you still love him, I know you don't want him to have sex with anyone else but you aren't together anymore so you have no authority to put conditions on his actions.

I have not slept with anyone else and I don't plan on it until I know that my partner & I would absolutely not be getting back together

Honey, he is not your partner anymore. I really don't think you are grasping the reality of your situation.

All that being said you only broke up 3 weeks ago (I missed that from your original post) ... so it is still a shock to BOTH your systems. You both have to get used to your new lives without each other and at this point neither of you can know what the future holds. Nevertheless, you have to let him go. He isn't stupid. He knows what he is doing and he knows what he is risking ..... and if that means he ends up having sex with other women then you can be pretty sure that he isn't thinking about getting back together.

Besides, people are going to do whatever the want to do. Thats a fact of life. If its something he wants to do then it tells you alot about his intentions. I'd rather let go of the outcome and see what he does.

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