Really upset, feel like the guy I'm dating is going to fade

Hello,

For reference, I am 25 and he is 27. I met this guy about 2.5 months ago and things were going well, we had the exclusivity talk about a month ago (I initiated it, and honestly sometimes it seems like he's hesitant about committing, he's not very expressive with saying "i like you" or anything). He is really good about initiating times to see me and planning dates, so it seemed like he was into me until recently. We've been seeing each other about 2-3x per week. I went out of town last Tuesday for an extended Thanksgiving break, and haven't seen him since last Monday. I got back into town last night. We texted a bit throughout the break, nothing too affectionate. He texted to make sure I got there safely the day I left and we exchanged some pics of our pets. He texted me on thanksgiving, but otherwise he didn't initiate contact with me. I texted him on Sunday (after not hearing from him for several days) to make plans with him for tonight when I got back into town. We were just going to hang out.

Unfortunately, however, I had to cancel our plans for tonight since I have an exam in a few days and I have a LOT of studying to do. I'm in a very tough graduate program and was unable to get much studying done at home. I'll be having exams throughout the next few weeks so tonight would've been a good time to see him, but I really need to study. I texted him yesterday to cancel, and his response was pretty cool, considering it's been a week since seeing him. "Cool, no worries. Good luck studying!" He didn't ask when I got back into town, what the exam topic was, or anything else.

Then I texted him back "Thank you, miss you! Studying's not fun!" And he didn't respond. I had also told him several times before I left that I'd miss him (this was after we had slept together the day before I was leaving) but he didn't say he'd miss me back then. I'm not sure what to think, it would've been nice for him to say he missed me back, or to try to make plans with me for after my exam. He knows I have exams coming up and a lot of studying, so maybe he doesn't want to put added pressure on me right now? I was also the one to initiate plans to see him when I got back into town, although he was responsive to it. I'm just confused, don't know if I should say anything to him, or let this fade if it's going to? Or maybe I'm being too needy? We've been dating for 2.5 months, have sex pretty regularly, and I thought things were going well, although sometimes he seems a little hesitant about committing (can't really explain why I think that). I know it's only been 2.5 months, so I don't know if I'm being too clingy. I'm also super stressed out with studying and exams right now. I'd like to text him that i miss him or that i'd like to hug and kiss him after a week, would that be too much?? Thank you for reading. Sorry I am so stressed out right now.

You are dating ---- exclusively. That still is very young and not a full blown relationship.

Expecting him to react the way you do is a recipe for disappointment. Your response to his "good luck" didn't need a response.

You cancelled the date ---- it's up to you to reschedule another one, not him.

He likely doesn't know your exam schedule.

You are stressed ---- and getting needy. Do not text another "miss you" "want to hug". Study.

Eh, this is tough. There are a ton of variables. But what it comes down to is your intuition. It sounds like something is off.

I am a firm believer that human relationships act like creatures of habit. When something deviates from that, something is off. It may not be something significant, but it's something.

That being said, he may not be the expressive type. He may be looking for something casual. Is he interested in seeing anyone else? What does your gut tell you?

Perhaps trying backing off a bit. If you're worried, then ask him how he feels about things. (After the exams.) Say you're "checking in".

Good luck.

Thanks, my intuition is telling me that something is off.

It's up to you to contact him at this point. To HIM, you are not that into him/interested based on

a) out of nowhere Thanksgiving trip

b) studying/cancelling last date

It's your move.....he is waiting for YOU to show him interest WITH ACTION (not words). Telling him you will miss him means NOTHING. If you really missed him you would MAKE TIME to see him, but you didn't cause you decided that "boring studying" is more important.

Hope you understand

My intuition is telling me there is something wrong with YOU. Fact that you guys were already intimate 2.5 months in is not good either......sorry

It wasn't an out of nowhere Thanksgiving trip, he knew I'd be leaving to see my family for Thanksgiving. He also knows that I'm in graduate school and I have to study (well now I'm just wasting time worrying). He barely texted me while I was away, it all just in response to my texts.

although sometimes he seems a little hesitant about committing (can't really explain why I think that). I know it's only been 2.5 months,

He agreed to be exclusive. What else is he supposed to commit to after 2.5 months?

YOU left town.

YOU cancelled this date tonight, even though you haven't seen him in two weeks.

It could easily be interpreted that YOU have lost interest.

It wasn't an out of nowhere Thanksgiving trip, he knew I'd be leaving to see my family for Thanksgiving. He also knows that I'm in graduate school and I have to study (well now I'm just wasting time worrying). He barely texted me while I was away, it all just in response to my texts.

Relationships REQUIRE TIME INVESTMENT.

Sounds to me like you don't have time for relationship, thus, you shouldn't be dating.

Sorry.

I'm telling you HIS point of view, cause that's what you need to focus on, not YOURSELF or how YOU feel.

Right now, he feels you lost interest and rejected him. So what are you going to do about it?

Hello,

 

For reference, I am 25 and he is 27. I met this guy about 2.5 months ago and things were going well, we had the exclusivity talk about a month ago (I initiated it, and honestly sometimes it seems like he's hesitant about committing, he's not very expressive with saying "i like you" or anything). He is really good about initiating times to see me and planning dates, so it seemed like he was into me until recently. We've been seeing each other about 2-3x per week. I went out of town last Tuesday for an extended Thanksgiving break, and haven't seen him since last Monday. I got back into town last night. We texted a bit throughout the break, nothing too affectionate. He texted to make sure I got there safely the day I left and we exchanged some pics of our pets. He texted me on thanksgiving, but otherwise he didn't initiate contact with me. I texted him on Sunday (after not hearing from him for several days) to make plans with him for tonight when I got back into town. We were just going to hang out.

 

 

Unfortunately, however, I had to cancel our plans for tonight since I have an exam in a few days and I have a LOT of studying to do. I'm in a very tough graduate program and was unable to get much studying done at home. I'll be having exams throughout the next few weeks so tonight would've been a good time to see him, but I really need to study. I texted him yesterday to cancel, and his response was pretty cool, considering it's been a week since seeing him. "Cool, no worries. Good luck studying!" He didn't ask when I got back into town, what the exam topic was, or anything else.

 

 

Then I texted him back "Thank you, miss you! Studying's not fun!" And he didn't respond. I had also told him several times before I left that I'd miss him (this was after we had slept together the day before I was leaving) but he didn't say he'd miss me back then. I'm not sure what to think, it would've been nice for him to say he missed me back, or to try to make plans with me for after my exam. He knows I have exams coming up and a lot of studying, so maybe he doesn't want to put added pressure on me right now? I was also the one to initiate plans to see him when I got back into town, although he was responsive to it. I'm just confused, don't know if I should say anything to him, or let this fade if it's going to? Or maybe I'm being too needy? We've been dating for 2.5 months, have sex pretty regularly, and I thought things were going well, although sometimes he seems a little hesitant about committing (can't really explain why I think that). I know it's only been 2.5 months, so I don't know if I'm being too clingy. I'm also super stressed out with studying and exams right now. I'd like to text him that i miss him or that i'd like to hug and kiss him after a week, would that be too much?? Thank you for reading. Sorry I am so stressed out right now.

If you need to study, it's more respectful to leave you to it than engage you in text "discussion" about what the subject is, etc.

If someone says they miss me, love me, etc. I'm unlikely to respond because it seems as though it's only being said in response not out of sincerity. I'll respond sometimes, to keep it fresh, but not always and not usually.

It's possible he wasn't going to miss you because he has a balanced life and looks forward to time alone and getting things done alone or with friends. If so, that's healthy!

If you must judge, judge actions not words (or lack thereof). I agree with those who say it could seem as if you're disinterested... if he's clingy/needy like you seem to be. And definitely the ball is in your court to set another date, and ideally to pay for it if you're not in the habit of paying your way. "Equality" and "empowerment" and all that, eh?

Okay, I see most posters are agreeing with you. That makes me feel better, I really really like him and I'm afraid he's going to forget about me. I'm afraid he's going to reactive his dating profile or have second thoughts about this "relationship." He's also leaving the country for the second half of December and half of January, an entire month. So maybe he's going to fade anyway since he'll be out of the country for that long? I don't know. Is there anything I could text him that wouldn't come across as too needy but would let him know I'm thinking about him and appreciate him?

My only advise to you at this point is to match his level of communication and interest.

If you find that you are the one doing most of initiating then you need to back off and give him the space to meet you half way.

If you are saying terms of endearment and not at least hearing a little in return, then again it's your queue to back off.

I find that there are turning points in relationships, especially in the beginning.

At and around the 3 mo mark is when couples begin to see each other for who they really are and second guess the relationship.

I find taking this time to reflect and back off some helps navigate it.

Allowing your insecurity to get the best of you and asking for a lot of reassurance tends to back fire.

Too many maybes! Live your life and see what happens. If you want to text him that you're "thinking about him and appreciate him" then simply do so. Just don't expect a teat-for-tat response. Say it because you mean it, not to provoke a response. If you want to add that you're looking forward to spending time together, do that. If you know when you're free for a date, ask his schedule and see if it aligns. It's really that easy.

If he fades, that's great because you'll be free to find someone more into you. Win/win. In the meantime, whether he stays or goes, strive to gain greater self-confidence. You don't need the words of others to validate you or your feelings. There are resources you can study to grow in that direction. It'll serve you much better in all aspects of life than most academic subjects you'll ever study. Arguably more than any of them.

Too many maybes! Live your life and see what happens. If you want to text him that you're "thinking about him and appreciate him" then simply do so. Just don't expect a -for-tat response. Say it because you mean it, not to provoke a response. If you want to add that you're looking forward to spending time together, do that. .

This is a good point. People can sense your motivation when you say things like this.

You need to ask yourself if this comes from a place of sincerity. If so, him responding wouldn't be necessary.

But if find that you are saying these things to elicit some reassurance he could at some point interpret it as being needy

If you need to study, it's more respectful to leave you to it than engage you in text "discussion" about what the subject is, etc.

 

If someone says they miss me, love me, etc. I'm unlikely to respond because it seems as though it's only being said in response not out of sincerity. I'll respond sometimes, to keep it fresh, but not always and not usually.

 

It's possible he wasn't going to miss you because he has a balanced life and looks forward to time alone and getting things done alone or with friends. If so, that's healthy!

 

If you must judge, judge actions not words (or lack thereof). I agree with those who say it could seem as if you're disinterested... if he's clingy/needy like you seem to be. And definitely the ball is in your court to set another date, and ideally to pay for it if you're not in the habit of paying your way. "Equality" and "empowerment" and all that, eh?

Well said!!

Okay, I see most posters are agreeing with you. That makes me feel better, I really really like him and I'm afraid he's going to forget about me. I'm afraid he's going to reactive his dating profile or have second thoughts about this "relationship." He's also leaving the country for the second half of December and half of January, an entire month. So maybe he's going to fade anyway since he'll be out of the country for that long? I don't know. Is there anything I could text him that wouldn't come across as too needy but would let him know I'm thinking about him and appreciate him?

First off, STOP TEXTING. Reserve this for "will be there in 15 min" or something along the line.

NOTHING IMPORTANT, EVER.

We already told you, CALL HIM or go visit him and ask him out....and pay for it. Show him WITH ACTION that you care....not words. Words are often empty.....and your already have a history of being empty. Last thing he wants is your words.

Sounds like you have a decent guy on your hands....and you need to show him that you are interested in pursuing him (as much as he does).

DO NOT expect a decent men to do ALL the work for you. By setting that expectations you are essentially setting yourself up with a man you do NOT want.

This is a good point. People can sense your motivation when you say things like this.

You need to ask yourself if this comes from a place of sincerity. If so, him responding wouldn't be necessary.

But if find that you are saying these things to elicit some reassurance he could at some point interpret it as being needy

Exactly. And men.. people... worth being with recoil at clingy/needy and they totally recoil at being told / manipulated into what to say or do.

Be who you want to be with.

First off, STOP TEXTING. Reserve this for "will be there in 15 min" or something along the line.

 

NOTHING IMPORTANT, EVER.

I 2nd this wholeheartedly. If you've found a rare person that isn't into hyper-texting, then be glad and keep it that way. Don't mistake texts for contact, it builds expectations/need to hear back, tone is lost and misconstrued, and it worst of all it burns goodwill.

From a man's perspective if I've texted with a woman 20x in a day that's an hour already spent on her, and at that point I'm possibly burnt out on her, especially if it's trivial BS when I'm busy with something else. Texting takes a minute, but thinking what to say and how to say it and then resetting with focus back to what I was doing ... that takes a lot of time & effort. Date time after that? No. We already had it via text. Time for "me" time. Power = off.

If you want a clingy male with nothing better to do then have at it, but if you want a *man* with a life worth admiring then think twice.

Talk - Action = 0

Okay, someone commented that I should CALL him if I want to talk to him and not put so much emphasis on texting, but honestly I'm not going to call him. I would rather just lay off the texting for a while. Is there anyway I could text him something that doesn't necessarily require a response from him like "Hey, thank you for being understanding about all the studying I have to do. If you are free and would like to, it'd be great to see you on Thursday after my first exam!"

Much better to study....and Thurs morning text and say "aiming for acing exam at 2pm. Want to get together tonight or tomorrow".

It would appear you could be studying now instead of wasting time on this....

It would seem you do not have close communication with this guy, at 2.5 months you should be comfortable enough and if it were me and a guy was not contacting me for days it would be deemed a very casual relationship and I wouldn't even call it a relationship, even both your texts seems like you have only been together a week, I mean you say you see each other 2-3 times a week, that is a lot and you should have formed a closer companionship with each other, but it does indeed sound like a cool off from him

Why would you make an arrangement for a meet up during your study time KNOWING you had study just to cancel on him you knew what was ahead yet you offered and then cut it off for study, you should have kept that meet up arrangement and maybe kept it short,

I believe he will fade away, there does not seem a closeness even after 2-3 days each week which is a lot in the beginning.

It would seem you do not have close communication with this guy, at 2.5 months you should be comfortable enough and if it were me and a guy was not contacting me for days it would be deemed a very casual relationship and I wouldn't even call it a relationship, even both your texts seems like you have only been together a week, I mean you say you see each other 2-3 times a week, that is a lot and you should have formed a closer companionship with each other, but it does indeed sound like a cool off from him

 

Why would you make an arrangement for a meet up during your study time KNOWING you had study just to cancel on him you knew what was ahead yet you offered and then cut it off for study, you should have kept that meet up arrangement and maybe kept it short,

 

I believe he will fade away, there does not seem a closeness even after 2-3 days each week which is a lot in the beginning.

Yeah, you could very well be right. I just texted him to ask if he'd like to get together after my exam. We'll see what he says back. This is definitely stressing me out more than it should. =/

You're being hyper. You're anticipating that he 'should' text like a girl. Newsflash: he's not a girl.

You left town. You cancelled seeing him. He's being laid back about it, and you're working yourself up.

If you keep operating from your own stressed mindset, you're the one who will come out sideways and make him go 'WhUt?"

So quit that. Contact him to propose a date and time to see him and touch base, even if it's just a hug and a quick cup o' soup between exams--or you'll drive yourself bOnkers.

Mismatched levels of interest. He barely contacted you during the week you were gone? Nope. He's not interested to the same degree you are; he's responding to politely keep the sex going. If he was hesitant to commit to you, don't ignore that. In fact, don't ignore any of your nagging feelings that he's not all in as you are. It doesn't matter how busy you are -- if someone is interested they will let you know.

Mismatched levels of interest. He barely contacted you during the week you were gone? Nope. He's not interested to the same degree you are; he's responding to politely keep the sex going. If he was hesitant to commit to you, don't ignore that. In fact, don't ignore any of your nagging feelings that he's not all in as you are. It doesn't matter how busy you are -- if someone is interested they will let you know.

I disagree entirely. Speaking for myself, and I can't be the only one, I value my alone time and make very constructive use of it. Though I'm single now, in the past when an SO was away I preferred very little or no contact. When married (very amicably divorced now) we'd deliberately take every other or 2/3 vacations separately, solo or with friends, being busy doing our own thing, disconnected from home and enjoying an adventure. What...10 years ago there'd have been forced no-contact as the only option would've been very expensive long-distance calls, or calls were virtually impossible from some locations.

Same when I go away. Nothing worse than staying in constant contact, or any contact, with people back home. You tend not to disconnect as much, not to grow as much, not to meet as many new people, bond with your friends on the trip, or have as many adventures. You tend to have nothing new to share when you return because all the pics are already on FB and all the anecdotes already texted. To me that is the epitome of lame and a major turn-off. That's just me and the women I tend to be with though - clingy is deal-breaker for me from the outset. Most relationships die of atrophy, or causes stemming from it. Neither party has anything new to even bring to the table. They are no longer interesting.

Maybe he's not that into her, yet. So what? If he's legit and interested enough to be exclusive he feels a greater connection may grow. For some it takes more time than others, and they express it differently. Don't project your ways onto others. Maybe she's lucky enough to have landed a real man who has better things to do than text constantly and hassle people when they're away. Either way she should calm down, focus on her studies and see how it goes. This level of overthinking is toxic, and tends not to stop at boyfriends.

I respectfully suggest we should let her study rather than giving her things to be anxious about, or even things to read online.

 

. Don't project your ways onto others.

.

It isn't projection, much like your experience isn't as well?

Just different views, that's all.