Uncertain Approach

Feel kinda awkward coming to the internet for advice but would like a varied perspective. So I’m 22 year old guy and I recently met this guy through not-so-conventional means. For the first time, I met him at his house and we had what they call “fun without the finish” and it was enjoyable.

The following day he wanted to meet up again however we went for a walk first where there were a couple of moments when he held my hand or put his arm around me (not sure whether my cynical nature would treat that as ‘tactical’) before we went to a restaurant. It was a little bit awkward as the conversation was not really flowing. I put it down to both of us being nervous and that a restaurant environment is admittedly intense.

We ended up at his place again for another round of “fun without the finish” and it was again, enjoyable. We texted after I left and the day after which was great because I quite like him and I rarely have the opportunity to meet a guy who’s on my level and easy to be around.

Third day in a row he text me and asked if I wanted to hang out and I replied with yes but “where do you want to go”? to hint that we should do something other than taking our clothes off. He responded and said cinema which I thought was good but then he said “or we could just chill?” much to my dismay.

I then suggested bringing films round to watch at his and we did, got a pizza and just had a good time. We went out for a walk and there were several moments again when he held my hand (I’m not really a public display of affection kinda guy but it was kinda sweet) [again, not sure if it was ‘tactical’]

The only problem is that I can see myself developing feelings and wanting to take things further (relationship wise) but want to make sure I don’t rush into anything and that he wants the same thing – I’m sort of getting the feeling that he doesn’t (considering we end up at his) but then I get confused when we do date-like things?

He pays me a lot of compliments which I don’t take greatly as I never believe anyone who tells me I’m ‘nice’ or ‘good looking’ and again, I don’t want my insecurity of feeling like he could do so much better to manifest itself in my behaviours.

I’ve sent him a text and he’s not responding as of yet so I’m wondering whether he’s had his fill of me or I’m overthinking it and need a reality check (my insecurity leads me to both of those answers)

I want us to continue hanging around, more so without the sexual activity.

On occasion it will be nice but how do I find out if he’s only after the sex or if he wants something more without moving too fast or too slow? I’ve invited him to do things like going to Winter Wonderland or bowling, someplace neutral and he seems up for it but whether he will anticipate wanting to end up at his – obviously that can be easily remedied by not ending up at his but whether that will comes across like I’m not interested? I’d much rather find out what he wants now than later down the line when I’ve developed feelings for him. But then I wonder whether it’s too soon to assess “where we are”? I like having certainty and unfortunately this is something you have to take a risk on and take it a steady pace but should I carry on only to find he wants regularly booty calls or is the benefit of it developing into something more far greater than the risk being someone’s hotline bling.

If there’s anything you’re unsure of or want more detail as I haven’t included every aspect/detail, let me know and I’ll try to clarify – sometimes I feel like I’m explaining myself fully (because it’s all in my head) but it ends up not making sense!

 

The only problem is that I can see myself developing feelings and wanting to take things further (relationship wise) but want to make sure I don’t rush into anything and that he wants the same thing – I’m sort of getting the feeling that he doesn’t (considering we end up at his) but then I get confused when we do date-like things?

Kind of too late to "not rush into things" when the FIRST day you meet the guy you have sex with him......and 2nd time as well. Come on now. The foundation of your relationship has been laid already, and it's made of intimacy.....not hanging out, getting to know each other, seeing if you are a good fit......etc.

I'm not sure why you are confused. YOU set the stage for sexual relations....and now you want to date/have a relationship? Chances are high he is not the kind of a guy (and you will be lucky to find a guy that will be into relationship.....based on # of gay people I knew). Most relationships are sexual (unfortunately). So it's in your best interest (and the other guys best interest, if he is looking for long term relationship) to stay as far away from sex as possible initially in the relationship. Date, get to know each other WELL, invest time.......LONG LONG LONG before you are sexual.

So to answer your question, to find out if the other person only wants sex is to NOT have sex with him the day you meet them...or even month in....and INVEST TIME. TIME is your best player filter! Get to know the person WELL and build SOLID foundation. Sex/intimacy will only cloud your mind and make you blind. NOW, even if he was into Long Term Relationship you are already blinded by intimacy and will miss important red flags/things about him. Just how it is. God, I won't even get into STD aspect of it and how dangerous it is what you are engaging in, but I would suggest that you look up STDs and know EXACTLY what risk you are putting yourself/exposing yourself into!!!

At this point, I would lay off and lay low with this guy. Heck, move on and keep dating. And if he does reach out, and you want to "confirm" or give it another chance.....let HIM prove you with action that he is not all about sex (but it's safe to assume he will want that next time you meet). DO NOT say anything or plan/bring up anything, just sit back and watch his actions/words. That will tell you the story.

Good luck

Kind of too late to "not rush into things" when the FIRST day you meet the guy you have sex with him......and 2nd time as well. Come on now. The foundation of your relationship has been laid already, and it's made of intimacy.....not hanging out, getting to know each other, seeing if you are a good fit......etc.

 

I'm not sure why you are confused. YOU set the stage for sexual relations....and now you want to date/have a relationship?

Yes, yes I know. It's all my fault. Lesson learned for next time.

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