How Much is Too Much?

I've been with my BF nearly 4 years, in the last year he has been working with a friend that he met appox. a year ago. Recently, she has moved to a new job and they never see each other but now they text everyday while their both at work. This is upwards to 40 text message a day. He just got a new phone so it's super easy to tell how many message have been sent in last 2 weeks alone, 400 messages! Absolutely nothing in the messages are concerning, however... my concern is that it is just too much for 2 people who are not "interested" in one another.

He says I'm overreacting. My explanation to him is that if 2 people like each other and both have a SO, they'll likely never admit their feelings to each other.. and absolutely NEVER admit their feelings to their SO's, but would probably text all day about every little banality just to talk. Even if nothing came of it, it's disrespectful.

Am I making a big deal out of a friendship between two seemingly bored people? Or is it just too excessive? Would you be concerned?

Geez, I don't even send 40 text messages in an entire month, nevermind in one day, lol. No, I don't think you are overreacting and yes, I would be concerned.

So what do their bosses say about that? How on earth would you get work done? Yep, emotional affair at least. Of course, you could find some bloke and start texting him daily for hours on end and see if your boyfriend would find it okay.

This is on its way to an emotional affair. My BF and I text a lot during the day (we both have jobs that are pretty "hurry up and wait" kind of things, very busy for spurts but then there are periods of quiet without much to do) but I never text that much with "friends". It makes you uncomfortable and he should respect that.

His response to what I explained is my perception of things (he texted since I brought it up earlier while we were both at work but I'm not responding until he's home): "Well I promise you it's not. This is not some forlorn stupid love story this is me just having conversations with someone I get along with as a friend and only a friend... You have to trust that I know my place and my friends place in my priorities and that I would never let anyone come between you and me that way."

I don't see how I can make him understand that I am not comfortable.

I've been with my BF nearly 4 years, in the last year he has been working with a friend that he met appox. a year ago. Recently, she has moved to a new job and they never see each other but now they text everyday while their both at work. This is upwards to 40 text message a day. He just got a new phone so it's super easy to tell how many message have been sent in last 2 weeks alone, 400 messages! Absolutely nothing in the messages are concerning, however... my concern is that it is just too much for 2 people who are not "interested" in one another.

 

He says I'm overreacting. My explanation to him is that if 2 people like each other and both have a SO, they'll likely never admit their feelings to each other.. and absolutely NEVER admit their feelings to their SO's, but would probably text all day about every little banality just to talk. Even if nothing came of it, it's disrespectful.

 

Am I making a big deal out of a friendship between two seemingly bored people? Or is it just too excessive? Would you be concerned?

It's too much. If it's not yet an emotional affair, it is leaning that way for sure. 40 messages a DAY is FAR too much for someone who is "just a friend", I agree with you.

He should respect your wishes and back off. I take it after he said you were "overreacting" he did nothing to change this behavior? If so, I'd highly consider walking away from this guy as he clearly does not respect you. If it makes you this uncomfortable and you have told him so, he should back off- particularly if she really IS just a friend.

If he doesn't, he cares more about his "friendship" with her than your feelings. I have no problem with opposite gender friends, but 40 messages a day? Most guys would not do that if they were

in a serious relationship unless they had some kind of feelings for this "friend". That is really overindulgent and disrespectful of your relationship.

I think you are over reacting. 40 in a day not much depending on timing.

400 messages in two weeks. I wonder how HE would feel if you sent 400 messages to a guy "friend"? I somehow don't think he would be very happy about it. OP, Trust your gut here. The fact that he ignores how uncomfortable it makes you feel shows total disrespect too.

His response to what I explained is my perception of things (he texted since I brought it up earlier while we were both at work but I'm not responding until he's home): "Well I promise you it's not. This is not some forlorn stupid love story this is me just having conversations with someone I get along with as a friend and only a friend... You have to trust that I know my place and my friends place in my priorities and that I would never let anyone come between you and me that way."

 

I don't see how I can make him understand that I am not comfortable.

Yikes. Well, first off for him to use condescending language like " Your perception of things" is pretty blatant disrespect. You told him how it made you FEEL, and that is what he should be responding to, your feelings. By saying " Your perception of things" he is 100% dismissing how you feel about it. And sorry, but I don't think most women would feel good about their BF texting another woman upwards of 40 messages every single day. He should be validating your feelings, and instead he is doing the total opposite.

You need to say " This isn't about trust. This is about respect. I've told you the close-ness of this friendship makes me uncomfortable, and that should mean something to you. The fact that you aren't taking my feelings into consideration here IS letting this friendship come between us. By changing nothing, you are demonstrating to me that your friendship with her means more to you than my feelings.

That does create a problem in our relationship. I am not asking you to stop being friends with her, just to tone it down. And if what you say if true and you do share only a friendship, then this should not be a big deal to you."

See what he says, if he gets defensive, then you have a MUCH bigger problem than you thought. If he does, it means he is always going to put himself first no matter how you feel. This is a sign of someone who is totally uncompromising. Another reason for getting defensive, he likes her far more than he is letting on whether he admits it or not.

I have never texted someone 40 times a day, that's super excessive. Especially a man, even if he was my best friend. My husband would NOT be comfortable with that and I would NOT be comfortable with my husband doing that. It's emotional infidelity at BEST.

Be honest with yourself, men don't gossip the way women do. There's only one reason for a man to text a woman THAT much. If he won't change, perhaps you need to open your own eyes to the type of man he is.

redswim30, great advice, thank you! But he didn't use the language "my perception," I did, since it's how I am perceiving the situation. But you are correct, my feelings are not a perception and I should understand that myself.

If I was the boss of either one I'd fire them for wasting time while on the job. Talk about a lack of respect for the company. There's no need for texting during working hours other than at lunch or break time.

If I was the boss of either one I'd fire them for wasting time while on the job. Talk about a lack of respect for the company. There's no need for texting during working hours other than at lunch or break time.

It can really depend on the culture of a place. For example, my boss texts her husband several times a day, and the nature of my work means I can also text pretty frequently with my BF. It really depends.

OP, I would ask him how he would feel if you were texting with a guy 200 times a week. And I love the idea as framing this as about respect for your relationship and feels rather then about trust.

I think you are over reacting. 40 in a day not much depending on timing.

Really? How many do you fire each day then? I think this is totally innapropriate.

Well, he said he will tone it down. I asked why he cares more about the friendship than my feelings/our relationship and he said it didn't; would cut back on the texting. It was probably our 3rd time attempting to resolve this conflict, guess he finally figured it wasn't worth arguing anymore.

Well, he said he will tone it down. I asked why he cares more about the friendship than my feelings/our relationship and he said it didn't; would cut back on the texting. It was probably our 3rd time attempting to resolve this conflict, guess he finally figured it wasn't worth arguing anymore.

Well, I'm glad he finally put you first. Just, keep an eye on it.

Well, he said he will tone it down. I asked why he cares more about the friendship than my feelings/our relationship and he said it didn't; would cut back on the texting. It was probably our 3rd time attempting to resolve this conflict, guess he finally figured it wasn't worth arguing anymore.

I hope he means it. I would still be on high alert for a good long while.

Fully recognize this will be unpopular advice, but I think I would let it go.

But here's why. Now that they don't see each other they've lost inside jokes and all things they likely text about. My best gut feeling is nature will lessen the texts. I'd be surprised to hear this is going on in two weeks.

I've been in similar (though there admittedly wasn't a significant other involved) where man we text like mad and then circumstances change and it dies. If it were me, I'd be like, okay if this is happening on (random) Dec 17th- I will bring it up then. But I bet you won't have to.

What does your guts instinct tell you. I mean me personally would definitely think something is not right there. Personally, I wouldn't like it. I guess it depends on what the texting is about but no, it's not exactly good news for you

Why are you in his phone at all?

Would you react this way if it were a male friend?

I have one close male friend that I text fairly frequently with. It's completely inane stuff.