Calling yourself a bad friend..

I had a former friend do this. Right out of the gate, she called herself a bad friend. When I'd get disappointed that I had to do all the initiating, she'd say "I told you I was a bad friend!" or if she didn't return a call of mine, she'd leave a comment on my facebook profile picture saying "sorry I haven't called you back, I'm such a terrible friend! What's up?"

At the drop of a hat, it was the "bad friend" line. In the end, I voiced my concerns to her and told her I was seeking a reciprocal friendship and that I could no longer shoulder all of the work. Her response was unfriending me on facebook and then subsequently, giving me the silent treatment/cold shoulder.

Needless to say, that hurt and sucked for a period of time.

Now, I've recently come across another woman I get along with very well, but she too has warned me that she's a bad friend.

Why? Are these women just being honest? Or are they using this as an excuse to absolve themselves of any blame, just in case the other party gets hurt?

I've only come across this behavior during my dating years with emotionally unvavailable men who made excuses, upfront, that they were "bad boyfriends" but they'd engage in a relationship with me anyway. I was burned during those too, until I learned once burned, twice shy.

Have you been told that? Were these friends just being honest or trying to excuse themselves from any culpability in case you get hurt?

They are simply lazy. Next time, tell them they are right and stop contacting them.

If it looks....walks....quacks like a duck...it's a duck.

YOU FAILED TO LISTEN. Your friend CLEARLY told you she is no good....so what do you do? You engage, rather than what you were suppose to do......disengage.

Then you do it AGAIN.

And you still haven't learned it seems.

These people are honest with you and are CLEARLY communicating with you about WHO THEY ARE. And you are IGNORING THEM COMPLETELY.

I suggest you work on yourself and learn to LISTEN, RECOGNIZE and ACCEPT the people in front of you. Chances are high you have a white knight syndrome and when people say things like that you probably feel bad and try to fix them.

Now I will tell you how dangerous white knight syndrome is....as MOST people DO NOT want to be fixed and NEVER change.

I hope you learn from this, especially when it comes to love relationships.....cause if you don't you are in for a ROUGH ROUGH ride.

Then there is the whole thing of them ACTING Like a friend, when they are not....which is a WHOLE another subject.

Look I will tell just about ANYONE that I have no time for friendships/can't be a good friend.....but I will also disengage from you and not ACT like a friend (and ignore you).

Good luck

If it looks....walks....quacks like a duck...it's a duck.

 

YOU FAILED TO LISTEN. Your friend CLEARLY told you she is no good....so what do you do? You engage, rather than what you were suppose to do......disengage.

 

Then you do it AGAIN.

 

And you still haven't learned it seems.

 

These people are honest with you and are CLEARLY communicating with you about WHO THEY ARE. And you are IGNORING THEM COMPLETELY.

 

I suggest you work on yourself and learn to LISTEN, RECOGNIZE and ACCEPT the people in front of you. Chances are high you have a white knight syndrome and when people say things like that you probably feel bad and try to fix them.

 

Now I will tell you how dangerous white knight syndrome is....as MOST people DO NOT want to be fixed and NEVER change.

 

I hope you learn from this, especially when it comes to love relationships.....cause if you don't you are in for a ROUGH ROUGH ride.

 

Then there is the whole thing of them ACTING Like a friend, when they are not....which is a WHOLE another subject.

 

Look I will tell just about ANYONE that I have no time for friendships/can't be a good friend.....but I will also disengage from you and not ACT like a friend (and ignore you).

 

Good luck

Enlighten me DoF, why do they then act like a friend when they are not and if they are so self-aware, why don't they disengage?

I will also look up white knight syndrome. I don't want to repeat the hurt I experienced the first time. Thank you and MHowe for your responses.

Enlighten me DoF, why do they then act like a friend when they do not and if they are so self-aware, why don't they disengage?

Pretty simple answer. MOST people just want to be nice. Simple as that.

I will also look up white knight syndrome. I don't want to repeat the hurt I experienced the first time. Thank you and MHowe for your responses.

You should. Don't assume it only applies to men or relationships/dating etc.

They declare up front their approach to friendships/relationships, and by proceeding you are accepting these terms but then find you are disappointed. Why not ask them up front what they mean by "bad friend" or "bad boyfriend"? What are they willing to do, and what are they unwilling or unlikely to do? (Not what they "want" to do, but what they are committed to do or can be counted on to do.)

Looking at the folks I know, there is room for differences in friendship style, but we find a comfortable overlap. If the overlap shifts or disappears, then I rethink the friendship and consider letting it go, or shifting my expectation of the connection.

They declare up front their approach to friendships/relationships, and by proceeding you are accepting these terms but then find you are disappointed. Why not ask them up front what they mean by "bad friend" or "bad boyfriend"? What are they willing to do, and what are they unwilling or unlikely to do? (Not what they "want" to do, but what they are committed to do or can be counted on to do.)

 

Looking at the folks I know, there is room for differences in friendship style, but we find a comfortable overlap. If the overlap shifts or disappears, then I rethink the friendship and consider letting it go, or shifting my expectation of the connection.

yep, and add the fact that

a) most people have different definition and importance when it comes to friendships

b) talking about it just makes things weird.....

Now you see why friends COME AND GO....and why I put very small emphasis on friends all together.

When someone tells you they're a bad anything right out of the gate: A. Believe them and limit or go NC and B. Realize it is the best excuse in the world for being bad. Any time they do something hurtful or wrong they have an immediate weapon to draw down on you when you try to take them to task/get upset/want to walk away or get them to stop the behaviors. "Well, I told you I was a bad friend/boyfriend/person to be around." This essentially the same as saying, "Not my fault, you were warned and I am not going to change or give a crap period. You deal with it."

I've learned the hard way when someone tells me that to say, "Oh, okay." Then head for the door and never look back.

Bad people don't have real friends but they try to find them all the time. They latch themselves into nice people because like you want to have good friends.Another bit of advice I would give you is to join a club or activity that relates to the type of people you want to surround yourself with.

When someone tells you they're a bad anything right out of the gate: A. Believe them and limit or go NC and B. Realize it is the best excuse in the world for being bad. Any time they do something hurtful or wrong they have an immediate weapon to draw down on you when you try to take them to task/get upset/want to walk away or get them to stop the behaviors. "Well, I told you I was a bad friend/boyfriend/person to be around." This essentially the same as saying, "Not my fault, you were warned and I am not going to change or give a crap period. You deal with it."

 

I've learned the hard way when someone tells me that to say, "Oh, okay." Then head for the door and never look back.

Yep this. It's a disclaimer of sorts, so that they can use that as an excuse in the future for behaving badly / unreliably, "well I told you who I am and you accepted, so you have no right to get mad when I'm being a sh**ty friend/person".

Right out of the gate, she called herself a bad friend.

...and then she went on to prove it. No mystery there.

This is a flag that says, "Don't invest in me." So don't. That's not to say you can't view this person as an acquaintance with whom you see movies or shop. Just don't count on her for anything beyond superficial stuff at arm's length, and you won't set yourself up for disappointment.

Not everyone is cut out to be our close and intimate friend. While it's true that "bad friend" warnings often accompany drama-prone people who want to suck you into supporting THEM through the hot messes they create, that doesn't make any of it meaningful or useful to you.