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Don't know if I'm coming or going


gigiselle

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Ours is a long marriage. I have been faithful so far. I discovered he had a gophone(or dual SIM card ) a few months ago. We've been fighting a lot. There was a crescendo of behaviors that led up to that point. I don't care to be wrong or right. I want a resolution. I'm tired. I love him. But---I'm ready to move on. I don't think I ever fit him. I think he love me despite that. I think I'm at a place in my life where I want to feel like I can bring it again & feel safe again. He tells me he feels the same way.....I feel like he is trying to convince me we should both end it on amicable terms. We've had so many happy years. I've told him to file for divorce if he's not happy. I've told him I'll be ok...hurt but ok. I never want for him to feel responsible for my Hapiness. I know we can both start over and find something meaningful. I said this in case the one thing holding him back was a feeling he was ruining my life. Truth is I want out!!! The reason is the gophone! I can't be a "cheaper to keep her woman". I think that is the WORST thing a person can become!!! What if that's what I've been reduced to? What if I just don't get it? Why do I keep striving and fighting for my true love. I feel sick....maybe I'm just a comfortable old slipper now! I can do a lot better. I'm college educated. I'm attractive and outgoing. I have a higher libido than his (his is probably lower only with me). I think he's unhappy. I'm not the prize he deserves, blah, blah. He even told me he's so depressed he wouldn't move out of the way of a moving train....then tells me he's life is empty without me. When we're out he has a wandering eye. This is new...I find this tacky and disrespectful. I've seen so many men whom I admired. Had class and weren't as cheap as to disrespect the lady they were accompanying The messages are so mixed. If you read my last thread it'll add some dimension to this one. Crazy thing I think his ego is stroked when I get attention...I get a good bit. But now--I just think it's an ego thing....and he's looking to replace me. Yuk---why am I here?

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You keep going on and on yet you still haven't identified the issue itself. You cannot resolve an issue if you don't know what it is.

 

His phone is a SYMPTOM of the issue (most likely)......so you need to figure out why he would do such a thing. Asking him would be a good start.

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You keep going on and on yet you still haven't identified the issue itself. You cannot resolve an issue if you don't know what it i

His phone is a SYMPTOM of the issue (most likely)......so you need to figure out why he would do such a thing. Asking him would be a good start.

The point is I am confused! He WON'T admit the ever did it. The issue is my husband got himself a gophone/SIM card. I'm devastated. I think he was ready for a middle-aged adventure. I don't want to be his sense of security while he's eating some middle-aged crisis cake. I was a good wife! He hasn't been truthful and I'm exhausted with why??!!! I can't believe this happened. I never indulged in my naughty desires....now I know I was a fool....he didn't mind giving in to anything or lying.

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The point is I am confused! He WON'T admit the ever did it. The issue is my husband got himself a gophone/SIM card. I'm devastated.

 

I'm still missing the point here. Is "no phones" or "2nd phones" a rule in your relationship?

 

If it is, and he broke it then LEAVE. What are you doing?

 

If it isn't, then you need to ask him what the phone is for and ask him to see it. If he has nothing to hide he will give it to you to look thru (as he should).....on the spot.

 

But usually, at this point, phone itself is a symptom of a much deeper issue in your relationship. Are you guys intimate? How good is your relationships going?

 

 

I think he was ready for a middle-aged adventure. I don't want to be his sense of security while he's eating some middle-aged crisis cake. I was a good wife! He hasn't been truthful and I'm exhausted with why??!!! I can't believe this happened.

 

You are assuming a WHOLE lot. What you THINK and what it is might be 2 different things.

 

Until you see proof, you know nothings. SO why don't you ask him why he has the phone and ask him to see it (in person, and he SHOULD hand it to you right there and then, if he doesn't, he will go off to delete what he doesn't want you to see)...which means, he is up to no good (but NO GOOD doesn't mean "worse case scenrio".

 

I think better question to ask him is, honey, are there any issues in our relationship we need to talk about.....I have a feeling you already know what those are.....

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DoF: Thanks for replying. In 22 years I've NEVER accused him of anything! But--if you read the other thread you'll see if was conclusive! He had a gophone account! Asking sweetly and kindly was my first response! and it didn't get anything but him deleting entries to try to confuse the timeline...but--I took photos...So--I knew he was trying to throw me off

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I'm still missing the point here. Is "no phones" or "2nd phones" a rule in your relationship?

 

If it is, and he broke it then LEAVE. What are you doing?

 

If it isn't, then you need to ask him what the phone is for and ask him to see it. If he has nothing to hide he will give it to you to look thru (as he should).....on the spot.

 

But usually, at this point, phone itself is a symptom of a much deeper issue in your relationship. Are you guys intimate? How good is your relationships going?

 

 

 

 

You are assuming a WHOLE lot. What you THINK and what it is might be 2 different things.

 

Until you see proof, you know nothings. SO why don't you ask him why he has the phone and ask him to see it (in person, and he SHOULD hand it to you right there and then, if he doesn't, he will go off to delete what he doesn't want you to see)...which means, he is up to no good (but NO GOOD doesn't mean "worse case scenrio".

 

I think better question to ask him is, honey, are there any issues in our relationship we need to talk about.....I have a feeling you already know what those are.....

 

Been there...done that. It was my first approach! When he started deleting entries(specific ones concerning the gophone ). and taking he's devices to work, locking them in the car, etc...I was at a loss. I wish he could've simply admitted it. We could've had something to work on. It's easy for someone to say" move on"...I've spent my whole life with him!!! But--I'm not willing to let him use me because he's had his fill of me. But--what if it's over?! I said I didn't know if I was coming or going for a reason....I'm patient but I feel he's decided to pull the wool over my eyes.

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In that case, it's time to see a lawyer and take further action. It's over. Under assumption hat you already told him that you will be leaving if that behavior doesn't stop.

 

Now it's time to proceed. I would get the hell out of there ASAP (but be careful before doing so and assess your rights!)

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Here's the bottom line. Many chronic cheaters never admit to what they're doing, no not even to themselves. They can't. They'd crumble if they ever had to look anyone including themselves in the face, because it is a symptom something is really wrong with the person. And they know it too. My last ex was a chronic cheater. Even when I had printed out emails, voice mails and a woman texting me about what he had done he still denied it. He cheated on two other women after me including the one who caught him in bed with the next door neighbor and he still denied it. To this day I'm sure he thinks he's a great guy and terribly misunderstood.

 

What you miss is your husband would have to admit to himself he's a cheater if he admitted it to you. And that's something he's not going to do, because people who are doing wrong things understand and are terrified to admit they are doing wrong to themselves. So you could give him a choice between death or telling the truth and nope, he's still likely never going to give you the truth. And why do you need him to? You already know what you know and yes it's valid whether anyone says it or not. The car that comes out of the dark and keeps backing up over you is still hurting you whether or not the driver ever admits what he's doing.

 

Same with cheating.

 

As to why he stays, you need to take emotions out of it and ask yourself what it is you provide for him. For one, yeah he won't have to pay alimony if you stay married. Cheaper to keep her/him than pay alimony and lose stuff in a divorce? Absolutely. It's why I always tell people who are married, have assets of any sort, to hire a PI to get the goods on a cheating spouse. You need that for court to make sure you get a fair shake and they don't take you for everything.

 

That's not counting if you cook, clean, pay bills, handle their family, give them rides, are the perfect alibi for them to put off suspicious people "No, of course I'm not seeing your wife, I have my own wife, we were home all evening, call and ask her yourself..." Plus a cheater loves having someone permanent to use as a cover for why he won't make the side piece his girlfriend/wife. "Gee honey, I'd love for us to be together, but my wife would take me for everything/is crazy/has leukemia/the kids, so you're just going to have to be patient until I can get free."

 

That's not even counting the tax breaks and picture of respectability/keeping one's family off one's back that having a spouse/partner at home provides. And the list goes on.

 

Bottom line here, either be happy with the way things are or leave. It's not up to him to decide whether you go or stay, it's up to you. You need to take responsibility for your own life and happiness, because he won't and isn't. And you can thrash about on this until the end of time, but you know this is just a terrible way to live life--not living at all really. Why not simply hire the PI, get the dirt, take him to court and then never look back? And don't tell me love, because real love does have a person abase themselves to be miserable for the other person. That's not love, it's called slavery or obsession or fear of taking control of one's own life, but love it ain't.

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My God!!!!! You may just be right..,..WOW!!! I wasn't not trying to not take responsibility. I was trying to save my marriage if there was a chance I could possibility do so and retain my dignity. This hasn't been the pattern and I thought he might've been going through a short-lived mid-life crisis.

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Mid-life crisis is in my view a very BS "reason" for anything. It's just one more excuse, but I'm confused. You did another post and in this one too and you make it sound like this is a chronic thing, not just a one time deal.

 

Regardless if it's once or one thousand if they aren't owning up to it and going with you willingly to therapy to fix things then what's the point? Life is simply too short to spend with someone who makes you miserable. I learned that a long time ago and my only regret in any of my previous relationships has been with the ones I didn't end as soon as I could see clear red flags and was very unhappy with. Those are years of my life I'm never going to get back and sometimes when I think of the wasted opportunities I passed over being stressed about some guy I could just slap myself silly.

 

And then I shrug it off and go hug the man I married who's been consistent in his affection and actions and thank my lucky stars I stopped entertaining anyone with drama attached to them. It's all I can tell you to do.

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Mid-life crisis is in my view a very BS "reason" for anything. It's just one more excuse, but I'm confused. You did another post and in this one too and you make it sound like this is a chronic thing, not just a one time deal.

 

Regardless if it's once or one thousand if they aren't owning up to it and going with you willingly to therapy to fix things then what's the point? Life is simply too short to spend with someone who makes you miserable. I learned that a long time ago and my only regret in any of my previous relationships has been with the ones I didn't end as soon as I could see clear red flags and was very unhappy with. Those are years of my life I'm never going to get back and sometimes when I think of the wasted opportunities I passed over being stressed about some guy I could just slap myself s

 

And then I shrug it off and go hug the man I married who's been consistent in his affection and actions and thank my lucky stars I stopped entertaining anyone with drama attached to them. It's all I can tell you to do.

 

He's not going owning to it and I'm hurt... Wondering why?!! I'm truly lost. Hoping for what doesn't

Exist. I know m weak...really I'm an easy target. I want to feel pretty again, I want to feel like it is possible again..,I'm shattered though.". Revenge sex is beginning to feel appealing...

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He's not going owning to it and I'm hurt... Wondering why?!! I'm truly lost. Hoping for what doesn't

Exist. I know m weak...really I'm an easy target. I want to feel pretty again, I want to feel like it is possible again..,I'm shattered though.". Revenge sex is beginning to feel appealing...

 

Naaah, that will just make you feel worse, and it will derail you. Focus instead on learning your actual choices--and the only expert who can help you there is a local attorney who knows matrimonial law in your location.

 

You don't need to decide anything up front. I'd make an appointment with no other goal than the seek 'advice' and learn exactly what my options are and the steps involved for each option. From there you'll have enough information to make choices and a plan.

 

You'll also get a 'feel' for the attorney who advises you and whether you'd be comfortable with that person representing you--or not. If not, you still gained the info and can seek a better fit for representation should you opt for that.

 

Spinning around the emotional stuff can be done at a later date. I'd focus instead on learning the practical stuff of self-protection first, and then you can deal with the emotional side while you're already clear that you're operating in the smartest way possible.

 

Head high.

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Naaah, that will just make you feel worse, and it will derail you. Focus instead on learning your actual choices--and the only expert who can help you there is a local attorney who knows matrimonial law in your location.

 

You don't need to decide anything up front. I'd make an appointment with no other goal than the seek 'advice' and learn exactly what my options are and the steps involved for each option. From there you'll have enough information to make choices and a plan.

 

You'll also get a 'feel' for the attorney who advises you and whether you'd be comfortable with that person representing you--or not. If not, you still gained the info and can seek a better fit for representation should you opt for that.

 

Spinning around the emotional stuff can be done at a later date. I'd focus instead on learning the practical stuff of self-protection first, and then you can deal with the emotional side while you're already clear that you're operating in the smartest way possible.

 

Head high.

 

 

Very wise! Somehow I feel like I'm cheating...stupid I know! He's my only family ! I'm not from this country. I don't want for him to feel he HAS to be there for me. I think that's what's happening. I have no support here. I left a great job to follow him. He's been my whole life. I don't want his pity. I can do great on my own. I think that's what's holding him back! Pity!! I am strong....I payed for my own college degree...I've lived in many countries always paying my own way. I cannot and will not live with his weakness. If he's done....he's done . I'm know entertaining my future. I've always been strong . I'll survive his infidelity....

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