Could you get past it?

Hello to all. I'm just really looking for unbiased, outside opinions on this, as I'm trying to make a very important decision. I'm a female in my early thirties, and I haven't been great at relationships. Basically, I've always been with "the nice guys", and I had grass is greener syndrome.

I met my current boyfriend (if that's what you want to call him), nearly ten years ago. We were only friends for years, some flirting here and there, but that's mostly it. He always tried to pursue me, but I was with someone else. Plus he kinda had a reputation for going after tons of girls, yet he didn't have any game. Maybe a wanna be player lol?

Anyways, long story short, we've been together for about the past two and a half years. During winter months we work opposite shifts. Due to communication issues, and what I felt was lack of affection, I allowed myself to get a crush on someone else that I work with. I ended up telling my boyfriend, breaking it off with him, seeing the other guy, and continuing to coexist with my boyfriend. I was physically involved with the other guy. I have no idea how I justified this in my mind, or what I was thinking. He was begging and pleading for me to drop the other guy. I thought in this messed up way, that because I was fully honest, it wasn't cheating. Now I realize just how wrong I was. When he'd beg me to get rid of the other guy, I'd get annoyed during our fights and tell him how much I didn't want to be with him, and to go be with someone else. However, I still had this jealous, controlling mindest where I really didn't want him with someone else deep down. Well, almost 3 months into my "affair" I began to get back in touch with reality, but at this point he ended up going away for a week, and he slept with another girl. The same girl twice. When I had suspicions and asked him about it, he denied it and lied to me for two weeks. He claimed he didn't want to lose me, and did it to get back at me. In my opinion, you can't sleep with someone else if you really love a person. I felt like this guy that I really thought loved me, despite what I was doing, really didn't love me at all.

It's been extremely hard on both of us. Fast forward to now, we still live together. He says he's forgiven me, and would love for us to work out. The sad part is, I now feel like I really love this guy, and all of my mistakes have been a big learning experience. However, I'm extremely angry and hurt. I keep thinking of him with that other girl. My friends and some of my family tell me I have no right to be upset with him, after what I did, and how I told him to go be with someone else. I get that, but I just never thought this would happen. I keep feeling like I can justify my situation more then his because A. I was honest, B. It stemmed from what I felt was lack of affection, C. It was more of a relationship I had with the guy I was with, whereas my boyfriend's was a one night stand type- that grosses me out!! I had feelings for the guy I was with.

Could you get past this?

I couldn't get past YOUR hypocrisy and justifications, no.

My friends and some of my family tell me I have no right to be upset with him, after what I did, and how I told him to go be with someone else. I get that, but I just never thought this would happen. I keep feeling like I can justify my situation more then his because A. I was honest, B. It stemmed from what I felt was lack of affection, C. It was more of a relationship I had with the guy I was with, whereas my boyfriend's was a one night stand type- that grosses me out!! I had feelings for the guy I was with.

Could you get past this?

I totally agree with your friends. It sounds like you want your cake and eat it too, but no-one else is allowed to do what you do to them. How dare they! It's a little rich, isn't it? It is selfish and self-absorbed. No amount of trying to justify what you did makes it right or gives you an excuse. Now you ask how you can get past this, but what about your boyfriend? How was HE supposed to get past YOUR cheating on him? Was he simply supposed to sit back and accept it?

It would probably be a much better idea for you to be single for a good long while to give you time to sort yourself out so that you can be in a mentally healthier place when you get into a future relationship.

Mhowe I couldn't get past it either if I was him, seeing as how I'm the one who strayed away first. There are never any good reasons to do what I did. If I wanted to be with someone else, I shouldn't have dragged him through it. Believe me, I get it. I'm not trying to justify what I did, truly just telling the story from how I felt throughout everything that transpired.

I totally agree with your friends. It sounds like you want your cake and eat it too, but no-one else is allowed to do what you do to them. How dare they! It's a little rich, isn't it? It is selfish and self-absorbed. No amount of trying to justify what you did makes it right or gives you an excuse. Now you ask how you can get past this, but what about your boyfriend? How was HE supposed to get past YOUR cheating on him? Was he simply supposed to sit back and accept it?

 

It would probably be a much better idea for you to be single for a good long while to give you time to sort yourself out so that you can be in a mentally healthier place when you get into a future relationship.

I understand what you're saying. The problem is, neither of us seem to want to let go. It's not a security thing at all either. Seems more like it was a wake up call?

I don't think he was supposed to sit back and accept it, but also two wrongs don't make a right. It just caused that much more damage. I know I'm selfish, I'm trying really hard to work on myself.

Well, it's a fairy tale. You cheat and justify by saying you were "honest".

He gets with someone and somehow, you feel cheated on? And yours was "deeper and purer?"

Regardless...it's over. The lack of respect here is appalling.

Well, it's a fairy tale. You cheat and justify by saying you were "honest".

 

He gets with someone and somehow, you feel cheated on? And yours was "deeper and purer?"

 

Regardless...it's over. The lack of respect here is appalling.

I was going to say the same thing. I really don't know what to say anymore.

OP, you say you're trying to work on yourself - maybe try some professional counseling too.

You're looking for unbiased advice and seems like you're getting it.

You're an adult. So is he. Ya'll both need some counseling or to get out of your relationship. Clearly, it is toxic and unhealthy.

Perhaps chose a polygamous relationship, if you don't want to commit. Although I do not condone that, it's better than hurting someone and leaving scars that won't ever heal.

Good luck.

I left out some info about the other guy. He's a doctor, and one that all of the girls find attractive. I got caught up into the glamour of it all. He (doctor) had a key made for me to his place, and asked me to move in with him during all of this. I didn't, because my heart was still with my boyfriend somehow. I have since blocked the doctor from even being able to contact my phone.

So basically the consensus is that there's no hope?

You're looking for unbiased advice and seems like you're getting it.

 

You're an adult. So is he. Ya'll both need some counseling or to get out of your relationship. Clearly, it is toxic and unhealthy.

 

Perhaps chose a polygamous relationship, if you don't want to commit. Although I do not condone that, it's better than hurting someone and leaving scars that won't ever heal.

 

Good luck.

Hi. The sad part is, I do want to commit fully to one person, the guy I messed things up with. I could never do an open relationship. I'm not a horrible person, I've made a horrible mistake.

I think that you need to stop living together and take up separate residences so you are not with eachother out of habit. You not only cheated on him, but you justified it. If there is a future for you down the road, maybe there is or isn't, but you must separate no matter what. You need to get in touch with yourself - I mean - who can say if you start to be "lonely" when a boyfriend or a husband works long hours, that you will be so unable to be content with entertaining yourself that you won't stray again - no matter if it is him or someone else. try to find what else is missing inside yourself in your life.

It very well could be that once you are separate he will come to his senses and move on - who knows - but you can't stay together like this.

Perhaps chose a polygamous relationship, if you don't want to commit. Although I do not condone that, it's better than hurting someone and leaving scars that won't ever heal.

Polygamy, polyamory, etc, are not good solutions for cheating or to justify cheating. There is lying, deception and disrespect in this relationship rather than them coming together with the same relationship philosophy.

I left out some info about the other guy. He's a doctor, and one that all of the girls find attractive. I got caught up into the glamour of it all. He (doctor) had a key made for me to his place, and asked me to move in with him during all of this. I didn't, because my heart was still with my boyfriend somehow. I have since blocked the doctor from even being able to contact my phone.

 

So basically the consensus is that there's no hope?

So what. I meet a lot of attractive, dashing men and I wouldn't give them the time of day because I am deeply in love with my boyfriend. It does not matter if the guy you cheated with is a "bad boy', a rich older man, or whatever. Its not about the person you strayed with, but your lack of character. And it wasn't your heart, it was the fact that your original boyfriend was living with you that was your guilt. If your heart was still with the original boyfriend, you wouldn't have strayed. (and do you think the doc would have been faithful to you? He was okay with dating a cheater?")

I am glad you blocked the doctor, but it won't restore trust in your relationship. Even if your boyfriend is trying to hold on to you, you will use his cheating on you as ammo against him, and you clearly have no respect for him if you are willing to cheat on him -and have a long and detailed affair while living with him right in front of his nose.

You really need to move out so you can both see the forest for the trees. This young man deserves someone who wants to be with him and only him. His cheating was wrong, too, but to me, more in response to your continued affair.

None.

Work on yourself before starting another relationship.

One of my good friends gave me some solid advice this past week. I'm going to sum it up:

He said, say you meet the most "perfect" girl with no drama and no serious problems. You get along amazingly well. And you decide to get married. It's inevitable that you're going to run into some problems . Whatever they may be. Just ask some of the couples who are on here. Think of how those situations are going to be. They're going to be HARD! But I guarantee you, they will be easier than if you were someone who was toxic.

I left out some info about the other guy. He's a doctor, and one that all of the girls find attractive. I got caught up into the glamour of it all. He (doctor) had a key made for me to his place, and asked me to move in with him during all of this. I didn't, because my heart was still with my boyfriend somehow. I have since blocked the doctor from even being able to contact my phone.

 

So basically the consensus is that there's no hope?

There is no hope.

And you REALLY need to do some self examination.

You were "honest". He was a doctor. You don't move in because you "loved" your original bf.

Your ability to deflect accountability is alarming.

I kindly thank you all for taking the time to respond, and I understand the points being made. He certainly isn't making it easy for me to just move on, as he's looking at me with his adorable face stating he'd love to try and make this work and get past all of the bad. You're right, I can't justify the actions, and I see it now. You're also right that I must not have loved him enough, because I decided to cheat while he was working because I felt alone. Ughhhhhhh I'm so mad at myself, and I wish I could turn back time. I don't have a high opinion of the other guy either. I don't blame him, because ultimately it was my choice, but I see him for the snake he is.

I've made a horrible mistake.

OP, none of this was a mistake. It was a very conscious, deliberate CHOICE and it would have continued had your boyfriend not decided to have the one night stand and it all backfired on you. A mistake? No way.

I kindly thank you all for taking the time to respond, and I understand the points being made. He certainly isn't making it easy for me to just move on, as he's looking at me with his adorable face stating he'd love to try and make this work and get past all of the bad. You're right, I can't justify the actions, and I see it now. You're also right that I must not have loved him enough, because I decided to cheat while he was working because I felt alone. Ughhhhhhh I'm so mad at myself, and I wish I could turn back time. I don't have a high opinion of the other guy either. I don't blame him, because ultimately it was my choice, but I see him for the snake he is.

I think that the holidays are a perfect time for you to go visit mom and dad or sis and brother in law or a friend and get out the house. I think that if its hard, don't talk about moving on - just about moving out. Also, its not about how much he wants to try, but the fact that you can't be in a relationship with your mindset, and you need to gain the adult skills of self soothing, self entertaining, etc. You could have caught up with your family, started a book group - anything

"I mean - who can say if you start to be "lonely" when a boyfriend or a husband works long hours, that you will be so unable to be content with entertaining yourself that you won't stray again - no matter if it is him or someone else. try to find what else is missing inside yourself in your life."

^This is true. I actually have bad anxiety, and I get panic attacks. I've had it my whole life. I mostly now am able to deal with it when it arises, but I think I always try to find things to occupy my mind and time, to avoid the anxious feelings. While others can be content being alone and find peace, I sometimes become very nervous. Much better then I used to be, as I've been learning coping skills. But sometimes I wonder if I have the tendency to invite drama into my life, to occupy my mind?? Sounds odd, I know.

OP, none of this was a mistake. It was a very conscious, deliberate CHOICE and it would have continued had your boyfriend not decided to have the one night stand and it all backfired on you. A mistake? No way.

Capricorn, I cut it off before I found out about his one night stand. That's just it- when I finally realized what I was doing, my karma bit me in the ass.

Your relationship sounds deeply toxic and codependent. And that isn't about love nor respect. It's about both of you having some deep issues you each need to deal with separately as individuals first before either of you being in a relationship. ANY romantic relationship.

I think that the holidays are a perfect time for you to go visit mom and dad or sis and brother in law or a friend and get out the house. I think that if its hard, don't talk about moving on - just about moving out. Also, its not about how much he wants to try, but the fact that you can't be in a relationship with your mindset, and you need to gain the adult skills of self soothing, self entertaining, etc. You could have caught up with your family, started a book group - anything

My mom has told me that I can go stay with her. I probably should attempt that. I haven't lived with her since I was 19, it would be a very hard adjustment. I'm afraid if I move out, he'll move on. I know, it's not in my control.

"I mean - who can say if you start to be "lonely" when a boyfriend or a husband works long hours, that you will be so unable to be content with entertaining yourself that you won't stray again - no matter if it is him or someone else. try to find what else is missing inside yourself in your life."

 

^This is true. I actually have bad anxiety, and I get panic attacks. I've had it my whole life. I mostly now am able to deal with it when it arises, but I think I always try to find things to occupy my mind and time, to avoid the anxious feelings. While others can be content being alone and find peace, I sometimes become very nervous. Much better then I used to be, as I've been learning coping skills. But sometimes I wonder if I have the tendency to invite drama into my life, to occupy my mind?? Sounds odd, I know.

Oh, I am going to bet that you invite drama in.

Then you need to go to a qualified health care provider. Have a medical doc check to see if your thyroid and hormones are in balance. See a nutrition. And see a psychologist. Do all those things to see if there is any medical cause, and then also address the psychological cause and learn to reprogram your behavior or anticipate it so you can change things.

Your relationship sounds deeply toxic and codependent. And that isn't about love nor respect. It's about both of you having some deep issues you each need to deal with separately as individuals first before either of you being in a relationship. ANY romantic relationship.

You're right, it has been toxic. Thank you, because I think I need to hear all of this. See, my family and I are very close. Some are telling me to cut ties and move forward, work on myself. My mom, however, is telling me grow up and just make it work if we really want that. I trust her, obviously she's my mom, but everyone else thinks we need to separate. She says ofcourse her door is open, but....

Oh, I am going to bet that you invite drama in.

 

Then you need to go to a qualified health care provider. Have a medical doc check to see if your thyroid and hormones are in balance. See a nutrition. And see a psychologist. Do all those things to see if there is any medical cause, and then also address the psychological cause and learn to reprogram your behavior or anticipate it so you can change things.

I think I have a hormonal imbalance, always have, because I can literally track when my anxiety is higher based on my cycle. I don't want to come across like I'm a complete nut lol, but yes I do have my own issues. I'm going to take your advice about this, and work towards getting better. Thank you!

I think I have a hormonal imbalance, always have, because I can literally track when my anxiety is higher based on my cycle. I don't want to come across like I'm a complete nut lol, but yes I do have my own issues. I'm going to take your advice about this, and work towards getting better. Thank you!

Then you need to see your gyno after you see someone about your thyroid as well.