Trust issues and anger management! Advices needed, please.

I've been with my bf for 8 years. We of course have had our ups and downs and always managed to solve them. We have an age difference of 9 years. I can't say i'm a control freak but over the course of our long relationship i have earned the reputation of being jealous and as such, i have also tried to work on this issue of mine. Some days ago i just discovered that my bf had been talking for over a year with another girl online (that girl is 13 years younger than him). He had mentioned me some time before a girl he had met because of work and with whom he had coffee with and during their short coffee conversation this girl apparently had magically fallen in love with him. He made fun of this fact and that was it.

Although he had mentioned her just recently, in fact he had been secretly communicating with her on facebook for over a year. He had created another facebook, blocked me in there so i wouldn't find him and added her. The last convo i could read on facebook was some random talking: hi what up, what are u doing. just chilling.

I of course went mad and was very upset. He told me it was nothing, there had been no sentimental relationship or sexting and he had only talked to her out of curiosity to see how far it would reach and what the girl was thinking about him.

I asked to see the rest of the conversations they had. He gave me 4 files of texting between them. In the conversations the girl was always telling him that he was the one, that she wished she had met him earlier, that she wanted him to be hers and that she was gonna give him everything. My bf on the other hand was always trying to skip this part of the convo and always repeated her that his situation was different, he was in a relationship and was happy with it. He was only talking to her because he liked to counsel her but that was it and that she had to make up her mind about it. there was also some talking about how lucky he was that he had met me, and that he had wished he met me long long before etc.

The girl on the other hand always kept insisting how much she loved him and admired him.

My bf only gave me 4 files of texting and said that there was in maximum another conversation, that would be 5 convos in a year. One of problems is i don't trust him on this. The convos always started very friendly and normal, like you would talk to someone who u met recently and not someone you hadn't talked in months. He keeps saying that there are no more convos.

I don't know what to think. I trust him when he says he has not physically cheated on me and that he loves me. I do not understand this need of him to keep this secret from me. He has told me of other similar stories before, of girls he had flirted even when we were together. I of course became upset but he reassured me every time it was just a guys thing and it was just out of curiosity. No feeling included and nothing more, and i had accepted those things even if i didn't like the idea. But now this.... unlike the other time when he told me everything, he kept this a secret for over a year and if i hadn't discovered it, he wasn't going to tell me.

He then gave me his fb password so i could see for myself. Some hours before he gave me his pass he had written to the other girl and told her that i had found out about her and he was very desperate. She was saying to him 'don't worry, u will win her back i'm sure bla bla'. She also told him that he could close that account and open another one anytime. Than my bf had told her we won't talk for a while. See you in the other life.

I was in a rage by reading this. My bf later told me he wanted to depart calmly with her because he was afraid that she might invent stories as a revenge that's why he was polite.

Since i was in his facebook with the convo in front of me, i wrote her myself and told her that i was gonna gouge her eyes out if she ever walked in front of me.

She got who i was eventually and told me that i could confront her anytime and that my bf is an extraordinary person and has not cheated on me and that if i didn't realize that i was a failure.

Huh....so that's it pretty much. My bf tells me it was a stupid thing for him to do. He's not gonna do it anymore. He loves me bla bla, he has grown up etc etc. It was just out of curiosity.

My mind is separated in two: there's the good me who believes him and there's the bad me who says: 'who the f do u think u're lying'? and every time i think about the moments they've been talking together and her, i can't wait for her to really walk in front of me so i can really gouge her eyes out. i have violence scenes in my mind all the time and i don't know how to calm down.

Any thoughts will be appreciated! Thnx

Why would he keep these files for a year?

Why are you with him if you don't trust him?

Are you older or younger than him? If younger...than she is simply a younger version of you and he is keeping her in the wings for when you are "retired"

Why would you hang around him for 8 years? Daddy warbucks?

This story happened just few days ago... he kept files because he likes to collect these stuff. he probably has many other convos of relationships before me. i'm younger, he's older than me.

it's been 8 good years. we have many things in common and he's my first bf.

He told me he deleted all convo and accounts and begged me to deleted those that he send me too cos he was ashamed of them.

He insists i'm the one and he would do anything. that i make him a better person and he's a victim of the surrounding where he works at and of his friends that are all cheaters. but he knows he's done nothing wrong....

If i was a stranger to the situation, i'd clearly tell myself that those are all cheap lines but since i'm in the situation, that's difficult to do.

Let's hope he's not your last bf. Men in love do not secretly fb other females. Let's get that straight right now. If this is okay for you, then ignore it and stay with him. If it bothers you, well,...you know what you have to do. He is using your inexperience against you, my dear.

He insists i'm the one and he would do anything. that i make him a better person and he's a victim of the surrounding where he works at and of his friends that are all cheaters. but he knows he's done nothing wrong....

If i was a stranger to the situation, i'd clearly tell myself that those are all cheap lines but since i'm in the situation, that's difficult to do.

How many cliches has he fed you? Do you "complete him" too?

Yes, he has told me that too, you know, the whole package of things one says in these situation.

During their convos, he always told her that he was in a relationship and was not gonna cheat and that the other girl had to forget bout this cos it was never gonna happen. Then why keep talking to her? He says, just out of curiosity. Curiosity of what?! Does he have some personality disorder or smth? I don't know what to think. I feel like i need to talk to a shrink but the idea feels like a rip off.

If you dont trust him then you can't be in a relationship with him. It doesn't work. It's one of the foundations for a successful relationship

Your bf is a walking cliche. If his lips are moving, he is blowing smoke up your ass. He kept her around as the second string in case you developed a sense of self and kicked him to the curb.

Seek counseling. It isn't a rip off. That you believe this guy is inconceivable.

Hello mhowe.

I am the texting boyfried. As you can see despite all the angry,rage and lost of trust we are still trying to have good communication and she shared this post with me. We are looking for a family consultant but its hard to find a decent one online. So by judging by your position that my gf might be blinded by what I say, it would be of great help for me if you talk with. Ask me anything.

Other members help will be appreciated as well.

But first I would like to tell you the reason why i think all this happened. It might sound like I found a great excuse but this is the most convincing explanation that can find. For sure I might be wrong

All this years i did had no problems at all with my gf being a bit jealous. But slowly without noticing I ended up with no new female friends and meet only with old f.friends. I was so fulfilled by my gf that I didn't find the need of anything. I haven't made new female friends for at least 3 years or more. Or invite someone for coffee. Than this girl showed up. Not to clever, small, full of contradictory ideals about the world and had a crush on me in 5 minutes. ---

We had a coffee and she talked talked talked about herself. In the beginning it was fun to break her world of ideas she had by logic. It was obvious there was no reason to meet again. But she insisted that she wanted to talk to me so we chatted a couple of times. I ended up giving some life lessons and discussing in general. I wasn't interested in what she was saying rather than proving her wrong.

Conclusions:

1- I am still not sure why I did keep her hidden from my gf. I suppose cos i knew it was a stupid thing I was doing.

2 - Talking with her 1 or 2 times its acceptable. But still cant find why I chatted more- i suppose i had a need to just talk randomly to a girl for distraction. Or was the lack of guilt that i wasn't feeling that didn't stopped me. Cos I felt safe as I wasn't flirting nor cheating.

3- I learned the hard way that hiding smth in a relation is equals to cheating.

PS: I am a working hard man. And i have worked even harder to build this relation day by day.(together with her) We had a very strong bond. Thats why she is still trying.

But i did this stupid thing And now im in a situation that i don't know how to answer my gf. Im an idiot.

Please don't spare your words and answers.

Under review.