dauntlessreb Posted November 29, 2015 Share Posted November 29, 2015 Sometimes, I just don't know what to call the relationship my ex and I have. What we have right now is really good, but I just don't know what to call what we are doing still. Last week, he text me when I was at work. He asked what I was doing and then we started joking around like we always do when we talk. He then invited himself over to my place. He said he wanted to come over and play MKX with me. I didn't even have to ask if he wanted to come over. So I went and picked him up from his place and he came over for a while before I took him back. He also asked if he could ride with me home the day before Thanksgiving because where he is from is like 35 mins away from where I'm from so he rode him with me and his mom picked him up from there. He rode back with me to where we live now once the holiday was over. The ride to and from home was great with him. We talked and joked the whole way. I make advances with him by sitting close to him and putting his arm around his shoulder and rubbing it softly. I also rub his head sometimes too haha. He never backs away or tells me to get off of him. Yesterday, I asked him to come over and watch the game with me. I figured he had been doing nothing all day and I wanted him to get out of his house for a while. We watched the game and I pretty much did the same thing, but this time, I laid my head on his shoulder here and there. It's so difficult to call what we are because I'm still trying to figure him out. It's like he doesn't know what he wants. I know he's talking to another guy or other guy(s), but at the same time, what is my position? He knows how loyal I am to him. He knows I'll do anything for him. He knows I'll be there for him. We are leaving the past in the past. What happened between us was not good for us, but for him to get over it and start talking and seeing me again meant a lot to me. Because at one point he said he didn't want to be friends nor get back together but as time passed, he contacted me again, and since then, we've been talking and hanging out. I just want him to realize how hard I ride for him. I know he knows that, but he still wants to figure himself out I guess. I just don't know. Link to comment
musicman777 Posted November 29, 2015 Share Posted November 29, 2015 Why did you two break up? Regardless, you two are broken up now for whatever reason. Unless you are trying to get back together, there is no point in you spending all this time with this guy. The texting at work, the advances you are making physically, I think it's all inappropriate. When you break up with someone, you should be spending as much time AWAY from that person as possible so you can heal and continue to live your life normal without this person in it. It's not doing you any good by spending time with this person, confusing yourself over your status with them. That is why 90% of people on here initiate "no contact". Cut them out of your life, no phone calls, no texting, blocking them on social networks. I don't see myself or others having healed from our exes by spending time still talking to them and things. The only times this becomes unavoidable is in situations whee there is a child involved, then you are kind of forced to continue seeing that person and communicating with them. Otherwise, you have reason to continue this. I think you need to realize you two are broken up and it's time to move on and quit spending time with them. Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 29, 2015 Share Posted November 29, 2015 He uses you for entertainment, not intimacy. He also uses you for rides. Link to comment
Dottieflanogon Posted November 29, 2015 Share Posted November 29, 2015 He's just using you as crutch and to get rid of the loneliness until someone else comes along. I can't see any indicators in what he's said that he is looking on this as a possible reconciliation even in the future. The question is, will this friendship be enough for you long term? What happens when he meets another girl and tells you you that you knew that you and he were just good friends? think you could be in for a whole lot of pain as this relationship will stop you developing a close relationship with another guy and leave you stranded when your ex starts dating other women. Link to comment
lilygirl Posted November 29, 2015 Share Posted November 29, 2015 You mentioned that he knows how loyal you are, how he knows that you will always be there for him. In this situation, I would say that is not a good thing as it sets things up for you to be taken for granted. I find that these post breakup, middle ground situations can often end up about helping the less invested person move through the break up and then when they are feeling better they move on and the more invested person is left standing there... heartbroken... again. If this is in fact what is happening, you need to protect yourself and get out of this situation. You could tell him that you can't continue on with this middle ground and that if he is truly interested in giving things another go then he knows how to get a hold of you. Then you go no contact and put the focus back on you. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted November 29, 2015 Share Posted November 29, 2015 He knows how loyal I am to him. He knows I'll do anything for him. He knows I'll be there for him. He wants the benefits of a relationship but without the commitment ... and he knows you will give that to him willingly. What happened between us was not good for us, but for him to get over it and start talking and seeing me again meant a lot to me. You should want more for yourself. He isn't actually giving you anything. He seems to benefit plenty though. Link to comment
dauntlessreb Posted November 30, 2015 Author Share Posted November 30, 2015 I keep letting myself do things for him because I have to come to the fact that I do still have some feelings for him. I try not to have a mean bone in my body. Everyone knows the type of person I am. I'm just nice. I can't help it, but I think I do need to re-evaluate all of this. I don't need to be hurt again. I don't want to be used as a crutch. I need to know the status of what we are because it'll save me a lot of time at the end of the day. When I keep saying I'm going to separate myself from him, we always seems to come together. Ugh! I have so many mixed feelings you guys. I thank you for your honest opinions on this. It's helping. Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 Doormat. Crutch. Chauffeur. Not an equal. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 I keep letting myself do things for him because I have to come to the fact that I do still have some feelings for him. I try not to have a mean bone in my body. Everyone knows the type of person I am. I'm just nice. I can't help it, but I think I do need to re-evaluate all of this. Indeed you do need to re-evaluate because this doesn't come across as you being nice. It comes across as you making excuses to hang on to him. No-one would judge you for NOT allowing someone to use you so, yes, you need to take a step back and take a good look at what is really happening here. I need to know the status of what we are because it'll save me a lot of time at the end of the day. You already know the status .... you aren't in a relationship. All the rest is your ex hanging on to pieces of you until he is ready to let go of all of you and that will likely be when he meets someone else. Do you really want to hang around for that? There is no point chasing him for an answer because he will only dance around the truth because it benefits him to keep you in his life. When I keep saying I'm going to separate myself from him, we always seems to come together. You are kinda romanticising the reality here, What you really mean is when you try to make a stand you end up weakening and letting him back in just to use you all over again. Link to comment
dauntlessreb Posted November 30, 2015 Author Share Posted November 30, 2015 Indeed you do need to re-evaluate because this doesn't come across as you being nice. It comes across as you making excuses to hang on to him. No-one would judge you for NOT allowing someone to use you so, yes, you need to take a step back and take a good look at what is really happening here. You already know the status .... you aren't in a relationship. All the rest is your ex hanging on to pieces of you until he is ready to let go of all of you and that will likely be when he meets someone else. Do you really want to hang around for that? There is no point chasing him for an answer because he will only dance around the truth because it benefits him to keep you in his life. You are kinda romanticising the reality here, What you really mean is when you try to make a stand you end up weakening and letting him back in just to use you all over again. (1st quote) You're right. I've talked to my best friend about this because he always gives me good insight. He says he feels like I am being used as a crutch for him so when somebody else comes in the picture, I'll be left behind. He said I do need to look at the bigger picture and take a stand and do what's right for me. He doesn't trust my ex which is totally understandable. I shouldn't trust him either. Because of the fact I know what he's capable of when he gave me all the attitude that he did when he broke up with me. Oh, long story short (it's in another post), he broke up with me because I was "too affectionate" and he did it over text. (2nd quote) I do know the status. You're right. I don't need an answer because I already know. I feel like if I wait around and he ends up finding some other guy, it's going to hurt me like crazy. I don't need that because I know how I am when something like that happens. I don't deserve that hurt. (3rd quote) Exactly. You hit the nail right on the head. That's what I was trying to say. I shouldn't let myself get so weak for him. It seems like everybody that I get involved with wants to use me for something. I don't know why but it happens. Why can't I ever be not used? I just don't know but something's got to give. Link to comment
Shane Falco Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 (3rd quote) Exactly. You hit the nail right on the head. That's what I was trying to say. I shouldn't let myself get so weak for him. It seems like everybody that I get involved with wants to use me for something. I don't know why but it happens. Why can't I ever be not used? I just don't know but something's got to give. Because what you call being "nice" is what everyone else calls a lack of backbone and boundaries. People use you because you allow yourself to be used. There's no need to give you anything because you haven't established the boundaries to create value for yourself. Link to comment
dauntlessreb Posted December 1, 2015 Author Share Posted December 1, 2015 I guess I just need to put my foot down and start having a backbone. It's hard, but I'm just going to have to do it because it needs to be done. I need to walk with my head high and look forward, not back. I almost had to urge to text him today just to text him something funny I had seen, but I held back. I said if I'm going to start separating myself, I need to do it now. I don't need to waste time. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 I almost had to urge to text him today just to text him something funny I had seen, but I held back. I said if I'm going to start separating myself, I need to do it now. I don't need to waste time. Neither must you let him pull you back when he decides he wants something from you. Link to comment
dauntlessreb Posted December 1, 2015 Author Share Posted December 1, 2015 Neither must you let him pull you back when he decides he wants something from you. Well when that happens, I have to muster up the courage to say no I can't do this or that for you. I don't want to really have an excuse to give him as to why I can't do something because if I'm giving an excuse every time, he's going to know that I'm ignoring him. I shouldn't care about what he would feel when I keep denying him, but he has to know that he can't use me. Either you will have me all together or you won't. It's that simple. Link to comment
Shane Falco Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 Well when that happens, I have to muster up the courage to say no I can't do this or that for you. I don't want to really have an excuse to give him as to why I can't do something because if I'm giving an excuse every time, he's going to know that I'm ignoring him. I shouldn't care about what he would feel when I keep denying him, but he has to know that he can't use me. Either you will have me all together or you won't. It's that simple. Why would you be telling him anything? Just don't answer. If you don't answer, then you don't have to invent excuses or have overly dramatic conversations. No Contact means No Contact. Link to comment
dauntlessreb Posted December 2, 2015 Author Share Posted December 2, 2015 Why would you be telling him anything? Just don't answer. If you don't answer, then you don't have to invent excuses or have overly dramatic conversations. No Contact means No Contact. Yeah you're right. If I don't answer, I won't have to invent an excuse or have an overly dramatic conversation. I guess I just have to put this "no contact" into action. I just have to do it no matter what my mind or heart says. I know my worth, but I need to put more value on myself and know that I don't deserve that. Link to comment
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