The woman who my bf cheated on me with contacted me months ago and I just reciev

My bf of 4 years kissed a co worker around March. I found out late March. It was a mess.

Well the girl messaged me in April, twice via fb messenger. Well fb hides messages you receive from people you are not friends with. Anyways, I just figured out about these hidden messages and read hers..

She said she wants to put this behind and that she will talk to me and tell me everything.

My bf has told me what happened (according to him) I would like to talk to her to find out if what he told me is the truth. I still have my doubts that they just kissed.

So my question is, do I contact her back or not? And why?

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Hi caitcosz, my two cents; cheating is cheating. If he was really faithful to you, regardless of whatever circumstances some girls lips would not be anywhere near his. It doesn't matter what the girl had to say, I say dump him and find someone who isn't going to stab you in the back. Four years together and somehow he kisses another woman. I'm sure the reasons were absolutely ridiculous for why it happened as well. "oh it didn't mean anything, it was an accident, she forced me to, she didn't know I was taken", blah blah blah. Find a real man that won't do this to you. Good luck.

If this happened to me, of course I would contact her in a heartbeat, simply because I would not blindly trust my boyfriend, the cheater, to tell me exactly what happened. I would fully expect him to only tell me the minimum necessary and an altered version of what happened that wouldn't put him in the worst light possible - after all, he had plenty to lose that he wasn't ready to lose.

Plus, every minor detail counts - was it a spur of the moment, or did he actually flirt with her for a long time and was preparing to replace you with her? Did they only kiss for a few seconds, or did they make out, or had sex? Details are important and can change everything.

So yes, I think you should contact her and find out her version of the story, knowledge is power and I highly doubt she would have taken this step (to contact you because she needed to put everything behind her) only for a simple kiss.

I hope you're lucky and she still wants to talk - if she is in a new relationship by now, chances are she won't want to bother anymore.

Personally, I'd respond back to her and see what she has to say about it. She obviously felt it was important to talk to you about it. You may not like what she says and it's possible she's lying too.

I don't know a kiss is way different than sex in my book. I could see where she might have initiated a kiss and he's guilty of not stopping it essentially. Maybe she's aggressive or maybe your BF started it?

Why is he still your boyfriend? Kissing another woman isn't a deal breaker for you? A mature man who loves you wouldn't do this. There is no excuse. I don't know the reason for speaking to the woman. He gets a free pass because he was drunk? Because he didn't want to hurt her feelings by pushing her away? Staying with him tells him he's free to do this and still keep you. You accept the behavior because you stayed. Are you worthy of being with someone trustworthy? If so, break up with the cheater so you can find someone who deserves you.

You opted to stay with BF based on what he said. Either you're happy with that decision, or you're not. If you're happy, then what do you hope to accomplish by trying to nail him for dishonesty? If you're not happy, you don't 'need' to humiliate yourself by contacting the coworker just to try to make yourself even more unhappy.

Decide where you stand on this relationship at face value--that's all you really need to know.

I personally don't think it will solve anything.I also want to add, that while I feel you have every right to ask what ever question you please, there is no need. If you get the truth it will hurt, if you get a lie you will know it's a lie. But, honestly, if you just walk away, you will have your dignity and nine of that extra, unnecessary pain.

If you cannot stand the curiosity of it all and you still don't trust the info he gave you message her back but remember she might have other motives on this, and probably cannot be trusted either and she probably knew about you when they were intimate and didn't care about you then so why grow a conscience about you now...Just something to ponder.

Yes she did know about me and she also has a boyfriend, they have been together for years. I met her before that.

I've wished horrible things for this girl but now I want to talk to her.

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Just be wary that you are letting yourself in for more pain when you do.

Also, I chose to stay with him based on what I know.

We were in a fight and she kissed him. Apparently that's all that happened.

I would appreciate not being ridiculed for something I decided to do months ago. I'm not asking if I should stay, I was asking if I should contact her.

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Are you saying that to me? You never quoted anyone, because I wasn't ridiculing you, I was sympathizing, totally different things. I already said contact her if you can't stand the curiosity of it all. I don't believe her motives are pure as I stated before and now even worse for her to contact you since you stuck by the BF.

I did contact the girl my ex cheated on me with and I found it very painful. She told me things I didn't want to hear. But looking back I'm glad I did because it made me realise when I was in denial some things about him that I needed to hear. Plus he didn't like us both joining forces and telling each other things about him and opening both our eyes.

If you do this be prepared for some things that could be painful. But maybe like me it could help you move on because you may also need that prompt to realise how awful he really is.

I'm not saying that will happen. Your situation is different. But it helped me because I was in denial at the time.

I hope it works out ok.

I think it would be weird to contact her now. And counter productive, it would simply create more drama.

The time to have reached out to hear her out was when you first found out. Not now.

I do think it makes a difference that you chose to take your bf at his word at the time, and to stay with him based on that. You made your choice. If you aren't happy with the choice now, or if you still find you can not trust your bf (and for good reason, IMO), then you are better off simply deciding if you want to stay with someone you can't trust. And leave the third party out of it. This is about you now, not her, and not him. You have to make the call of whether he is worth all this worry.

The thing to ask yourself honestly, and in the dead of night with no one else around, is what you will do with the information she gives you. If it were me I would probably do so, because curiosity rules me far more than nearly every other emotion. But as someone who has gotten the truth and found it pretty unpalatable on more than one occasion I have to tell you that you're wise to think this all the way through from best-case scenario to worst-case scenario BEFORE you contact her.

Also, you say you already forgave your boyfriend and stayed together. At that point you chose to trust him, so I'm not sure why you are now looking at going another way. Contacting her pretty much says there's still a part of you that does not trust him and if that's the case I can tell you honestly hearing words from someone else is not likely to regain that trust. There are so many things wrong with this scenario that I think it would probably do more harm than good for you.

Isn't it better to trust your boyfriend now, enjoy what you have, and just accept that if you catch him in a future act of cheating then you'll leave him for good? We cannot change another's actions or lives, only our own. If your boyfriend lied he has to live with that. If he chooses to cheat on you he will do so again regardless just as much as if he has chosen to straighten up and fly right by you. Nothing another person says will really change that one way or another at the end of the day.

Also how do you know you can trust her? If she knew about you, how did she find out and was she contacting you out of the goodness of her own heart or in the hopes you'd dump the BF and he'd run to her?

I'm not really going to tell you what to do here, just try to give you some insights into what you may find. In the end you know yourself better than anyone. What would you tell a friend to do?

Also, I chose to stay with him based on what I know.

We were in a fight and she kissed him. Apparently that's all that happened.

I would appreciate not being ridiculed for something I decided to do months ago. I'm not asking if I should stay, I was asking if I should contact her.

 

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Not sure who you're responding to, but if you've already made your decision to stay, then what of any positive value would you hope to gain by picking that scab?

If you want to make yourself miserable with your choice by digging in the dirt, then you can do that--it's not against the law. But then the question becomes, why?

Not sure who you're responding to, but if you've already made your decision to stay, then what of any positive value would you hope to gain by picking that scab?

 

If you want to make yourself miserable with your choice by digging in the dirt, then you can do that--it's not against the law. But then the question becomes, why?

For closure honestly.

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So guys, I already messaged her. I was very nice about it. We shall see what happens.

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Are you saying that to me? You never quoted anyone, because I wasn't ridiculing you, I was sympathizing, totally different things. I already said contact her if you can't stand the curiosity of it all. I don't believe her motives are pure as I stated before and now even worse for her to contact you since you stuck by the BF.

I was, sorry for not quoting. I understand. It felt like you were, that's all.

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I did contact the girl my ex cheated on me with and I found it very painful. She told me things I didn't want to hear. But looking back I'm glad I did because it made me realise when I was in denial some things about him that I needed to hear. Plus he didn't like us both joining forces and telling each other things about him and opening both our eyes.

 

If you do this be prepared for some things that could be painful. But maybe like me it could help you move on because you may also need that prompt to realise how awful he really is.

 

I'm not saying that will happen. Your situation is different. But it helped me because I was in denial at the time.

I hope it works out ok.

Sorry that happened to you. Thanks for the advice! I hope I don't hear anything I didn't already know.

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The thing to ask yourself honestly, and in the dead of night with no one else around, is what you will do with the information she gives you. If it were me I would probably do so, because curiosity rules me far more than nearly every other emotion. But as someone who has gotten the truth and found it pretty unpalatable on more than one occasion I have to tell you that you're wise to think this all the way through from best-case scenario to worst-case scenario BEFORE you contact her.

 

Also, you say you already forgave your boyfriend and stayed together. At that point you chose to trust him, so I'm not sure why you are now looking at going another way. Contacting her pretty much says there's still a part of you that does not trust him and if that's the case I can tell you honestly hearing words from someone else is not likely to regain that trust. There are so many things wrong with this scenario that I think it would probably do more harm than good for you.

 

Isn't it better to trust your boyfriend now, enjoy what you have, and just accept that if you catch him in a future act of cheating then you'll leave him for good? We cannot change another's actions or lives, only our own. If your boyfriend lied he has to live with that. If he chooses to cheat on you he will do so again regardless just as much as if he has chosen to straighten up and fly right by you. Nothing another person says will really change that one way or another at the end of the day.

 

Also how do you know you can trust her? If she knew about you, how did she find out and was she contacting you out of the goodness of her own heart or in the hopes you'd dump the BF and he'd run to her?

 

I'm not really going to tell you what to do here, just try to give you some insights into what you may find. In the end you know yourself better than anyone. What would you tell a friend to do?

I feel like I'd tell my friend to contact her bc as you said, curiosity rules me.

She has a boyfriend.

I told my bf and he told me to do whatever I think is best, so I text her.

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I do hope it all works out for you. I just wish you well and some measure of peace no matter what happens. Let us know how it goes.

If it were just an innocent kiss I seriously doubt she would go out of her way to reach out to talk to you.

I would hear her side of the story.

I would definitely respond. If she has something to tell you, let her tell you. Hopefully it's the exact same story that your boyfriend told you, and it will bring you some peace. Worst case, she brings to light that your boyfriend is lying and it's worse than you think, but then you know and can move on to better things.

I found a nude photo of my boyfriend's coworker in his e-mail. What I wouldn't give to hear her side of the story. I did message her to say, 'Classy move sending a photo like that to my boyfriend. Next time, please try having some respect--for yourself and for other women.' She responded, 'I'm sorry, that was a huge mistake.' I can't say it didn't help a little bit.

Good luck!