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too selfish?


caringcarly

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I'm in love with a man who's 25 and from a genetic blood disorder has crippling arthritis, he can't have a normal day doing nothing without being in some form of pain, let alone go on walks.

At the moment we're friends. I keep wanting to go the extra mile but I'm worried I'm too selfish, I do love him but I shouldn't be having worries because of these disabilities.

I love walking, hiking and travelling. There's nothing to say I can't go on walks on my own or hikes and nothing to say he can't come travelling with me, but the whole experience will be totally different. I don't mind doing things alone but the point of being a couple is to do things together. I would never want him to hurt himself by trying to keep up on a walk and I would never wish a wheelchair upon him as he needs his independence.

I keep wanting us to work, but with me at 24, I don't want to take the leap, work for a hit and these fears coming a reality where I get itchy feet. I don't mind caring for him and helping him, I do already so it's not about that.

I don't know why I'm posting this actually as I've answered my own question, it's fair to love him as a friend and hope that someone incredible and better than me loves him and can adjust to the lifestyle he needs and they both enjoy. Some people like staying in, I like the outdoors. Maybe we're just too different? Can someone either agree or help me with a compromise? Every time I talk myself out of it I thibk that we could work with me walking on my own etc.

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I'm sure some girls wouldn't mind but I would feel the same way as you.If you mean date in a sense of developing long term relationship then it might depend on the nature of disability as I'd prefer my potential partner to be able to share most of my interest and hobbies.Some disabilities would preclude this

 

Just follow your heart. You just have to weigh the pros and cons of the situation and don't lead him on if you can't over look his disability.

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Carly,

 

I think you are posting to see if you can find to way either to make it work or to ease you concious that you can't make it work with the disability. Only you can figure out which one you truly wish to try.

My only thought is isn't love always a leap of faith? Do you want to give him a chance to see how this could be?

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Well I am a hopeless romantic and believe in love and fate, whatever you call it. You said "I'm in love". I mean yeah this guy has an illness, and can't do some things, and you can find another guy instead, but you love THIS guy. It's so hard to find someone you love who loves you too, trust me, I know. Maybe I think differently because I actually work with people who have disabilities for a living, but underneath the disability there is always a person who has other abilities and other things they can give other people. It's your choice but I think don't lose the chance of love just because this person isn't 100% able to do everything. I think love and relationships do always require compromise and acceptance at least in some ways.

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To be honest, I question why you want to get involved with him. He's seems like an unlikely match and this seems like a form of emotional availability - like you're interested in someone you can't be with it instead of getting involved with someone you can.

 

Plus what's in this for you?

 

You say you're in love with him but you haven't said:

(i) why

(ii) that he's in love with you or wants a relationship with you.

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It takes more than love to make a long term relationship work so you do need to figure out whether you can accept his limitations as far as its impact on your lifestyle. For example, if you ever would have a child with him you would have most of the physical responsibilities raising the child. Also would there be an increased risk of his child having the same disorder?

 

I realize I am jumping far ahead of myself but you did as well in the sense of assuming you will want to travel and hike a lot, etc and that somehow he would lose his "independence" using a wheelchair. I would think it would increase his independence because he could get around more and more broadly on his own.

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Ok. I'll tell the main bit of the problem, the bit that makes me sound so unbelievably selfish. I'm not proud of it.

So there's the above problems concerning me and how we're different, I genuinely believe I could live with that - this is where the ethical debate starts.

The disorder is actually hereditary. He will pass this on to our kids (yes jumping the gun but I think about it). I don't know how I feel about letting my own child and grandchild go through the same pain and the same limitations that I see my friend go through.

It's awful because of course if it were a malfunction in the womb and I knew about it I'd never abort. But I don't know if I could live seeing the pain my child goes through.

I'm really not a bad person and I would still give the child the best life possible. But if it had my attitude and his disease. It would break my heart. There. The real reason.

 

On a side note. I love him because he's kind, caring and intelligent. He's the only person I've ever been my full self in front of, I can be vulnerable in front of him and I feel safe. I love him because I think about him all of the time. I love him because I'd want him to be happy, even if it wasn't me making him happy.

 

He told me he loved me once years ago. I hope he still does.

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I've never asked him that to be honest. Whenever we've spoken about kids etc he's always referred to them as if they'd be his biologically.

 

All I can tell you is that the right person for him is not necessarily someone who is "better" than you, just someone for whom that disability is not an issue. I would not get attached to him in a romantic relationship until you at least knew his goals about biological children.

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Do you know if it's possible to screen for the blood disorder in a fetus?

 

But nevertheless, I think you should ask him about what he wants in his future instead of assuming. After all, you're friends right? Friends talk about things. Maybe he also wants to avoid passing on the disorder.

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Do you know if it's possible to screen for the blood disorder in a fetus?

 

But nevertheless, I think you should ask him about what he wants in his future instead of assuming. After all, you're friends right? Friends talk about things. Maybe he also wants to avoid passing on the disorder.

 

Yes and that is assuming that a couple would be comfortable terminating if they learned that information - because it sounds like the OP would not be comfortable in that situation. I would be surprised, given how much pain this man is in, that he would want to risk passing it to his child.

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Ok just my two cents worth. I would keep this man as a friend, I would not want him as a lover or husband, I dont have what it takes to deal with someone with such a disease. As for children with him, there's no chance I'd even think about it. I'd never knowingly bring a child into the world who would inherit his disease. I think it's cruel to do that. Nobody needs to agree with my thoughts, but they are my thoughts. I think you are getting way ahead of yourself.

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