My girlfriend cheated on me? Most difficult relationship I've been in...

I've been with this girl for about 8 months - during this time it has been anything but easy. She was diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder - please google this if you want a brief overview of what it is) - early on in the relationship and we constantly fight / argue. While I know it's not fully her fault, I have been trying really hard to make this work, by going to her therapy sessions with her, and trying my best to ignore how frustrated and unappreciated I often feel. There are highs in our relationship where we've had really good times together, and times where it's felt doomed, and I've considered breaking up, wanting to be with someone else. But I've always seen something in her that I just wanted to hold on to, hoping things would work out with enough effort.

She’s a smoker and i’ve explained to her many times how much I dislike this, and am worried about her health, in the future. She would say she will only quit “when she’s ready” and just can’t see herself quitting for anyone else. I often get really angry when she would smoke around me / smoke too often. About a month ago we had been arguing a lot, and I told her that I couldn’t stay with her unless she quit. I wasn’t expecting her to, but she agreed, and since then I had been noticing major progress (at least in my presence).

A few weeks later, on Halloween night, there was a party at her student house. I had wanted to go out with some of my close friends, and have her come along. She had really wanted to go back to her student house with her best friend, so she suggested me and some of my close friends came along. We decided to do this, as my friends are pretty easy going, and just wanted to go out somewhere. Everyone started drinking, and we eventually left the party to go to another one a few blocks away. My girlfriend isn’t supposed to drink, as it interferes with her medication and her behaviour can be unpredictable. I see her get visibly more aggravated in my presence, having a short temper with me, though she seems to be pretty good with her best friend, and has a lot of fun with her. Her, her friend and a couple of her roommates started to get destructive, and had vandalized the interior of an open garage, which was in a rather sketchy area… I had yelled for her to come with me, but she ignored … I followed after my friends who were leaving the area, and I was very angry. They were questioned by an undercover cop who had heard a lot of noise coming from the area. One of the roommates made up a lie and they got out of the situation which could have been detrimental to ALL of us. When she finally caught up, I absolutely lost it on her, for being so immature, stating that we all could have been charged/arrested. She looked a bit upset, like she was going to cry and said she didn’t take part in the vandalism. When I finally cooled down, we arrived at another party, and hung out there for a bit. She was leaving to go back to her student house, but my friends were still playing beer pong. I said that I would come over in a bit (I was still really frustrated with her, trying to cool down).

I went back to her student house about an hour and a half later, after getting some angry text messages from her saying she was going to bed. I had seen her one room mate (who appears to be gay) making out with her friend, and other girls throughout the night. I had a bad feeling and questioned her, if she had made out with him too. She finally admitted to doing this, after some back and forth, but had ways of “neutralizing” it and arguing that it was innocent. I lost my temper and stormed out of the house, with my friends, and cabbed home. I broke up with her in person a couple days later, after ignoring her texts for a while. I was really emotional at the time, so I think she took it that I was not serious about the break-up. I went a couple more days without talking to her, and I really, really missed her. She made many attempts to get in contact with me, and I eventually gave in. I essentially told her I would give her another chance if she cut out the drinking permanently, and she agreed, despite how hard it would be because she was pretty dependent on it as a scapegoat when she’s feeling down. There had been other major incidences prior to this, involving drinking which had not been enough reason for her to try to quit. She said it would just be way too hard, and would impact her mental health even more.

Anyway… I was happy to be back with her but weeks went by and I still would often bring up the incident, as it was always in the back of my mind. I was really angered by it, and that her roommate would do this. It came to a point where I wasn’t blaming her for what happened, just that she wasn’t doing anything to make the living situation better, or condemning him as a bad person that she would try to avoid. Anyway, a couple days ago now, I had been thinking a lot about what had happened, and thinking she may not had opened up about what happened had I not asked. I said, “can I ask you something?” as we were approaching her house one night. She said, “sure”. I asked her if anything else had happened that night, and she began to answer reluctantly, that nothing more than what she had opened up about had happened. I had a sense that she wasn’t telling the full truth, and further probed, asking if anyone else was around when it happened, etc. She was getting nervous, asking why I would think this, and what I had been thinking about. I asked her again, “what else happened that night” more straight-forwardly. She said, “if i tell you, you’re just going to break up with me again.” I said, “no I won’t, just tell me” making it out to seem that I already knew what happened… She asked “who told you?”, at which point I began getting really nervous. I told her to just tell me. She had said her other roommate was in the room too, and he also kissed her. He is not gay, and I know for a fact she finds him attractive. She initially got mad at me for “tricking her into telling”, but this was just her being irrational and fearing my abandonment of her. I acted in ways I shouldn’t have, out of anger, and broke a hole in her wall, which I have now paid someone to fix.

You’d think it would be so easy for me to walk away from the situation, especially after all the drama and unfaithfulness but I can’t help but partially blame her disorder, and the fact that she had been drinking. I don’t know how to draw the line between what is her fault and what isn’t. I think about her not telling me all of what had happened, and I feeI I can’t trust her now. It’s just so hard for me to walk away, knowing she’s cutting alcohol out of her life, to try and make this work. Who knows how long she will really do this for before she picks it up again, though. I just really wanted things to work out, because I see a lot in her, though it’s not always apparent. I really like her personality when she’s in a good state, and not having one of her BPD mood swings. I’ve been trying so hard lately to find some unbiased advice, but it’s nearly impossible. My friends don’t understand our situation, or her illness, and my parents just want what’s best for me (which they know isn’t her). I’ve been ignoring her messages for a couple days, and I’m completely lost. I’m angry about what happened, and I think I want to break up, but part of me is really going to miss her, and I know it’s just going to get harder over the next few days.

I think that you are hooked on the drama, or you wouldn't be with her. This sounds like a really unstable relationship.

You knew that she smoked when you started dating. Don't understand why you started with her to begin with????

You sound very co dependent. I would address this with a counselor.

She's a vandal, a cheater, someone who mixes medication with booze and you blame her condition?

Let me tell you something. Someone can have a condition, but when they drive a car, their condition doesn't make them turn right instead of left. They CHOOSE to. And this girl is choosing to do these things.

Relationships aren't supposed to be difficult in this way. You're not her babysitter and you need someone who will give you way less drama. Your gut is telling you that you need out, you're saying it yourself.

And get a hold of your temper. Finding out a girl cheated would bring out the worst in me too, but no punching holes in walls. That should tell you right there something is wrong.

She may not be able to "help" her disorder, but it is certainly her choice to drink when on her meds.

I struggle with anxiety and depression. I can't speak about bipolar disorder, because I really haven't experienced it firsthand. But with any "mental illness" it definitely can put a strain on the relationship. Especially if she hasn't learned how to cope with it better. I know for me, I was diagnosed at 17, and it took me a couple years to learn how to cope. I will say her behavior is toxic, or really it is just drama. I'm not even sure if that's part of her bipolar disorder or not. Maybe it is, maybe it's just acting out. Who can say. You mentioned student house so I'm guessing you both are still young. In all honesty not only do I think it would be better for you to give this relationship a break, but probably for her as well. I don't think she has the clarity of mind, it sounds like, to realize she needs to be good (on her own) before she can be in a relationship. Maybe the relationship will never work out. To me it just sounds like bad timing. Lack of maturity on her part and various other factors.

Your relationships is unstable Secondly, you are going to have to accept who she has allowed herself to become, help her see when she is lashing out, and remain patient. You have to figure out what makes you happy. Do you want this to continue for the rest of your life?20 years from now could you imagine still being with her? If you can't then then it's better to get out sooner than later. If you wait it will only hurt more. You can't fix her, and if this has been going on for a while now .

I struggle with anxiety and depression. I can't speak about bipolar disorder, because I really haven't experienced it firsthand. But with any "mental illness" it definitely can put a strain on the relationship. Especially if she hasn't learned how to cope with it better. I know for me, I was diagnosed at 17, and it took me a couple years to learn how to cope. I will say her behavior is toxic, or really it is just drama. I'm not even sure if that's part of her bipolar disorder or not. Maybe it is, maybe it's just acting out. Who can say. You mentioned student house so I'm guessing you both are still young. In all honesty not only do I think it would be better for you to give this relationship a break, but probably for her as well. I don't think she has the clarity of mind, it sounds like, to realize she needs to be good (on her own) before she can be in a relationship. Maybe the relationship will never work out. To me it just sounds like bad timing. Lack of maturity on her part and various other factors.

I would like to thank everyone so far for their replies... I really appreciate it. The hardest part for me right now is the fact that she has completely cut out alcohol since this incident, and she is struggling with her condition. She has been doing her best to improve, but it's really hard for me to trust her, especially after this incident. You guys all have some really good points, and I believe a MAJOR part of this is a lack of maturity on her part. Maybe I am too co-dependent. It's really hard when she's constantly spamming me with text messages telling me how sorry she is, and how much she loves me...

I struggle with anxiety and depression. I can't speak about bipolar disorder, because I really haven't experienced it firsthand. But with any "mental illness" it definitely can put a strain on the relationship. Especially if she hasn't learned how to cope with it better. I know for me, I was diagnosed at 17, and it took me a couple years to learn how to cope. I will say her behavior is toxic, or really it is just drama. I'm not even sure if that's part of her bipolar disorder or not. Maybe it is, maybe it's just acting out. Who can say. You mentioned student house so I'm guessing you both are still young. In all honesty not only do I think it would be better for you to give this relationship a break, but probably for her as well. I don't think she has the clarity of mind, it sounds like, to realize she needs to be good (on her own) before she can be in a relationship. Maybe the relationship will never work out. To me it just sounds like bad timing. Lack of maturity on her part and various other factors.

Bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder are NOT the same. Bipolar is a chemical imbalance and borderline personality disorder is a ,personality disorder.

Trust is a big thing. Do you really think everything is going to change?

All too familiar with BPD, had an ex with it. Diagnosis came while we were dating. Usually it seems to come with other diagnosis like bipolar, etc. I would seriously run away as fast as possible. She doesn't seem to be trying to keep this in check either. My experience is it keeps getting worse and what you have going is bad enough already.

Very similar things happened to me as you describe, years ago now. Don't have regrets about her other than not seeing the issues and alerting everyone before leaving her. You can only excuse so much because of her condition, it's not an excuse to have sex with other partners. You leaving might be that catylist for her to improve, who knows. My ex GF is still a terror to her family, I'm out thank god. Be watchful on the way out, she might turn against you in a surprisingly shocking way, part of that condition really. My ex had an exaggerated sense of revenge for imagined slights. She also had no issue engaging in risky behavior - sound familiar? Too bad really she was so nice when I first met her and essentially became a completely different person. So just watch your back.

All too familiar with BPD, had an ex with it. Diagnosis came while we were dating. Usually it seems to come with other diagnosis like bipolar, etc. I would seriously run away as fast as possible. She doesn't seem to be trying to keep this in check either. My experience is it keeps getting worse and what you have going is bad enough already.

 

Very similar things happened to me as you describe, years ago now. Don't have regrets about her other than not seeing the issues and alerting everyone before leaving her. You can only excuse so much because of her condition, it's not an excuse to have sex with other partners. You leaving might be that catylist for her to improve, who knows. My ex GF is still a terror to her family, I'm out thank god. Be watchful on the way out, she might turn against you in a surprisingly shocking way, part of that condition really. My ex had an exaggerated sense of revenge for imagined slights. She also had no issue engaging in risky behavior - sound familiar? Too bad really she was so nice when I first met her and essentially became a completely different person. So just watch your back.

Thanks for your reply... glad to have an opinion from someone who was on the same page as I am... not discounting any of the other responses.

Was your ex on medication for her disorder? My girlfriend can be so nice and sweet to people, and then have a complete 180 if something triggers her - usually me conversing with girls from school, for group projects, etc. She is getting a lot of help and trying to improve herself... But I have a feeling that if I go back now, she will know she can get away with these things in the future... or, she just will not admit to them ever again.

Dear RandomGuy,

Borderline Personality Disorder is one of the 3 or 4 "biggies" in the mental health world. It has historically been considered incurable, and as with other personality disorders, is VERY HUGE in the way it interferes with how a person functions in life. This is no minor league disorder.

I think that you need to read everything you can get your hands on about it. Then seriously consider if you would want to live every day of your life with the huge challenges it involves, and how your children will grow up if the illness is the dominant factor in the emotional atmosphere of your home. I personally would not embark on a serious relationship with someone with a personality disorder. One of the diagnoses given to my ex at one point was Borderline Personality Disorder, and its influence on our marriage was SEVERE. I cannot emphasize this strongly enough.

I honestly believe it will be kinder for both of you if you end this relationship and encourage her to continue with her doctors and therapists. You do not need to be the one guy who will stick by her when everyone else leaves, no matter how noble that sounds. You are not a therapist, and your marital home ought not to be a hospital, but it will likely become one with this young woman.

I am very sorry for both of you.

Bless you.

Youareworthy

My ex was on medication and that seemed to be helping. She had multiple issues going potentially so I'm not sure which were BPD which were something else. I wasn't privy to her diagnosis other than what I heard second hand and from her. Things really went south when she decided to go off the meds unfortunately. She seemed to take an event that had a grain of truth to it and then turn it into this gigantic horrible thing, adding all kinds of embellishments. As the BF, never knew what small thing I would do would make her go off on me in an insane way. But I get what you say, you remember her nice side and it's hard to leave. It's good she's getting s lot of help, my ex didn't have as much.

Agree with the above poster, this is a lot to take on. May have a long difficult life dealing with her condition. I stuck by her way way too long and it made me hard to trust other girls in new relationships. What I'm saying is she can take you down with her, at least to some degree.

Dear RandomGuy,

 

Borderline Personality Disorder is one of the 3 or 4 "biggies" in the mental health world. It has historically been considered incurable, and as with other personality disorders, is VERY HUGE in the way it interferes with how a person functions in life. This is no minor league disorder.

 

I think that you need to read everything you can get your hands on about it. Then seriously consider if you would want to live every day of your life with the huge challenges it involves, and how your children will grow up if the illness is the dominant factor in the emotional atmosphere of your home. I personally would not embark on a serious relationship with someone with a personality disorder. One of the diagnoses given to my ex at one point was Borderline Personality Disorder, and its influence on our marriage was SEVERE. I cannot emphasize this strongly enough.

 

I honestly believe it will be kinder for both of you if you end this relationship and encourage her to continue with her doctors and therapists. You do not need to be the one guy who will stick by her when everyone else leaves, no matter how noble that sounds. You are not a therapist, and your marital home ought not to be a hospital, but it will likely become one with this young woman.

 

I am very sorry for both of you.

 

Bless you.

 

Youareworthy

I appreciate these posts so much at this time... thank you.

I guess my next challenge is the actual break up. I don't know what to say, knowing that there is a higher possibility of a suicide attempt, or at least self-harm. I'm going to feel so guilty for the next while, as though I'm "giving up" on her and the disorder, "like others had". I can't help but feel this way. I tried reaching out to a councillor at my school for guidance, but he would only listen to what I had to say, as she was one of his patients also. He referred me to another doctor, and I have an appointment in a little over a week. Just wishing it would come sooner.

I am sorry this is happening to you. Relationships are hard even in the best of circumstances. Unfortunately, I know this roller coaster all too well. Someone with this type of disorder has the siren call to lure you in. Usually, both beautiful and highly intelligent they become exactly what you desire. They are your dream partner. Once hooked, the facade cracks as they can't maintain the illusion forever. That's when the mental abuse and torture begins. It is subtle at first and they come across very logical. You will walk on eggshells, as you will never know how they will be from moment to moment. Happy to sad, to suicidal, to melancholy, to happy again and so on. They never believe they can be loved and expect you to leave. So, they leave first. Even though they fear abandonment, they abandon. They typically push away the people that love them the most, as they see them for the cause of their unhappiness. It is called white/black thinking. You are either the best or you are the worst. There is no in between. Everything you do well is usually forgotten. The disorder is usually interlaced with anxiety and depression. However, no size fits all, as they likely have characteristics of many.

I know what you are going through. If you are going to make it, you will have to accept the disease as separate from her. You both will have to make lots of effort at communication and learn how she can see what she is doing is wrong and how you only have her best interests at heart. Much easier to say than to do. Most people who have dealt with this would tell you to run far away. There is no fixing her. You both have to try really hard to make it work and even that may not be enough. With that said, I still miss my little roller coaster. However, I can see how my life would always be walking on eggshells and never being secure with her. She has likely done me a favor turning me black now, instead of down the road with kids and marriage. Does it help console me? No, as I love her and I hate thinking that while I can move on and love again she will likely never escape and will have lots of pain and suffering ahead. It is sad and dealing with this has changed my life forever.

A website that helped me: bpdfamily.com

I just want to say I also had a very chaotic and intense relationship with a woman who was diagnosed borderline personality.

I know it's hard to contemplate leaving for a few reasons: 1) I bet there was an amazing honey moon period, right? Like a "I can't believe this, this girl might be my soul mate AND the sex is incredible" type honey moon period? 2) she opened up to you about her condition (and a lot of other things probably) and I bet you feel a powerful urge to help her, to rescue her, but only she can do that.

These relationships become toxic and addictive because there are such great highs of intimacy abc connection, but then the worst lows where you feel neglected, unappreciated, disposable, not heard, not valued. It's rough, and I'm sorry you're growing through this.

But listen to yourself. You sound MISERABLE. And she's violated your trust and your love in a way that is unacceptable. I'm going to tell you what my best friend told me when I was going through what you are. She said, "you deserve a loving and healthy relationship." She made me write that 50 times on a sheet of paper so the message stuck.

Only you can decide what's best, but if a friend came to me with your story, I would tell them to leave and that they could do so much better.

I guess my next challenge is the actual break up. I don't know what to say, knowing that there is a higher possibility of a suicide attempt, or at least self-harm. I'm going to feel so guilty for the next while, as though I'm "giving up" on her and the disorder, "like others had". I can't help but feel this way.

The two things listed above are two of the reasons I stayed with my ex-husband longer than I should have. He threatened to kill himself if I broke up with him during our engagement. I couldn't fathom the guilt I would feel if he did that. I also felt like such a louse, leaving a person when he was so ill.

I have since learned that these two are BIG red flags, especially the suicide risk or threat. What I could see at the time was the guilt I would feel, the sorrow and devastation if he did take his life. And I felt the guilt of even considering abandoning someone I loved because of an illness.

I was young, naive, and in a vulnerable state, and I could not look with realism down the road, so here is what I missed:

1. If he took his life, it would be because of his depression, not because of me, even if an external event like a breakup threw him into this particular period of depression. Mentally healthy people who go through a breakup do not kill themselves over it.

2. What kind of a life was I going to have with him if he would try to make me stay with such horrible emotional blackmail? Just as horrible a life as you would expect with such blackmail.

3. The children born to such a couple would not be able to grow up fully stable, because the home is far too chaotic and dysfunctional. It is one thing if a fully-formed adult chooses to enter this relationship. It is another thing entirely when a brand-new baby, with no emotional formation at all, grows up in this atmosphere. Do not underestimate the costs to you all!

5. If you break up with a person this ill, you are not a louse. You are being prudent and wise, and remembering that your life, happiness, and well-being are very important. If you do not take care that you are safe and well-treated, who will? An ill person will be a taker, not a giver, in a long-term relationship.

Give yourself permission to be happy and drama-free. You can take care of yourself and your future without being a selfish person.

Youareworthy

Borderline Personality Disorder ..... Run Forrest!! RUN!!!!!!

I appreciate these posts so much at this time... thank you.

 

I guess my next challenge is the actual break up. I don't know what to say, knowing that there is a higher possibility of a suicide attempt, or at least self-harm. I'm going to feel so guilty for the next while, as though I'm "giving up" on her and the disorder, "like others had". I can't help but feel this way. I tried reaching out to a councillor at my school for guidance, but he would only listen to what I had to say, as she was one of his patients also. He referred me to another doctor, and I have an appointment in a little over a week. Just wishing it would come sooner.

You're making excuses to say in this.

I know of a couple of people diagnosed with Bi-Polar, and they survived their breakups quite well.

As I mentioned before: check out info regarding co dependency.

You're making excuses to say in this.

 

I know of a couple of people diagnosed with Bi-Polar, and they survived their breakups quite well.

 

As I mentioned before: check out info regarding co dependency.

She has borderline personality disorder NOT bipolar. They ARE NOT THE SAME CONDITION.

She has borderline personality disorder NOT bipolar. They ARE NOT THE SAME CONDITION.

 

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Okay. But, he doesn't need to stay with her forever, fearing what she may, or may not do.

Okay. But, he doesn't need to stay with her forever, fearing what she may, or may not do.

That is true.

I just go bananas when people interchange bipolar and borderline personality disorder as the same thing. They are different conditions with different origins. It's one of my pet peeve's. ... Lol.

Sorry, you know now though she didn't love you the way she should have or she wouldn't have cheated in the first place and fact you had to pull the confession out says a lot too. Hope you can move on from her and heal.

That is true.

 

I just go bananas when people interchange bipolar and borderline personality disorder as the same thing. They are different conditions with different origins. It's one of my pet peeve's. ... Lol.

Fair enough.

I've been with this girl for about 8 months - during this time it has been anything but easy. She was diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder - please google this if you want a brief overview of what it is) - early on in the relationship and we constantly fight / argue. While I know it's not fully her fault, I have been trying really hard to make this work, by going to her therapy sessions with her, and trying my best to ignore how frustrated and unappreciated I often feel. There are highs in our relationship where we've had really good times together, and times where it's felt doomed, and I've considered breaking up, wanting to be with someone else. But I've always seen something in her that I just wanted to hold on to, hoping things would work out with enough effort.

 

 

She’s a smoker and i’ve explained to her many times how much I dislike this, ....

I've got a great brain for math and I've already lost count of how many total deal-breakers you've listed. RUN RUN RUN RUN and never look back!

Then do some self-work, maybe with a counsellor, to figure out why you'd put up with this crap for so long in the first place. Then make the change so you have self-respect and never put up with this crap again.