Need some advice on what to do about boyfriend and daughter..

To make a long story short I have been dating a man for about three years, When I meet his daughter he wanted her to perceive as non-threatening. When I say non-threatening I mean that he didn't want her to think that I was going to take him away from her or that she had to compete with me for his affection. With her being fragile at the time and also teenager I agreed, which unfortunately meant that I sometimes had to take the second rank. To be honest this bothered me more so as it went on than at the beginning. Yet I reluctantly went along with it as I genuinely wanted this girl to like me as I knew it would make things easier between my boyfriend and I. So I swallowed my pride and continued to demonstrate to this girl that I was no threat at all. Fast forward to a few months after that and this child still has to be told to say thank you to me and almost forced to talk to me (I feel it seems that way as her father often gestures at her to answer open ended questions I have made when we are both together and she has reluctantly done so) and I have over heard him telling her to say thank you to me and then he made it seem like she did that all herself.

Anyways what upset me the most, almost makes me angry is that her and I have similar taste and when I pick something out he will sometimes ask me not to get it so he can get for her, which bothers me as obviously I like it and I want it and its not up to him to tell me what I can and can not buy with me money. To give an example there was a pair of sunglasses that I liked which happen to be made by a brand she likes (something I did not know) but a different brand which is where I have gotten mine from previously had done a similar model however I did not like those as much as the other pair which I thought were perfect for me and my style. While we were talking about these sunglasses and had stated which ones I intended to purchase he asked me (it was more definitive) to get the pair i did not like so much instead of the ones I did like because he knew she would like them and wanted to get them for her (mind you he had never seen these sunglasses before I showed them to him) this upsetted me very much. In any case that is simply one instance and it happens too often with big ticket items that we discuss or If I own an item she owns he has explicitly told me not wear it around her which is also upsetting to me. Should I be upset about this? and what should I do its starting to make me angry beyond what it used to and to make matters worst I just don't even feel like being around this girl because I don't like nor let anyone make me feel second to anyone. Breaking up is not something I'm considering as everything is good otherwise. It's just getting harder to hide my discontent and...well anger when I'm around her. I need some advice on how to handle this.

You have to accept this will not change. This is his child. Children are FOREVER. If you want to be first in someone's life you don't pick someone with a child.

Yes kids are forever, but children should not be the center of anything, this only makes the child grow up to be neurotic and dependent. I need advice on how to tell him such and how to deal with it. I believe there is something wrong with what he is doing.

The thing is you are not going to affect how he has parented his child for X number of years. This child is a teenager. You are not going to change this dynamic now. So you either have to accept it or not. Telling him you don't like the way he parents will fall flat.

it's more about the way he is treating me than parenting? or you don't think so? it certainly feels that way to me not so much about how he parents although he often asks for advice on parenting

Then address it as how he treats you and leave all mention of his daughter out of it.

Yes kids are forever, but children should not be the center of anything, this only makes the child grow up to be neurotic and dependent. I need advice on how to tell him such and how to deal with it. I believe there is something wrong with what he is doing.

Tell him you will buy what you please with your money. You need to grow a spine.

That is about it. Wear would you like no matter what he thinks about it.

You're 22 according to a thread a few months ago. She's a teenager. Can't be more than a few year difference there. I wouldn't want to mingle with you too much, either. That must be strange for her.

Just wear what you want and accept the fact that she is stand off-ish.

I agree if she's a teenager and you are 22 you're not going to have a lot of authority with her. I know if I was a teenager my dad was going out with a 22-year-old I would be really weirded out.

Is this your husband from 5 months ago?

Good heavens, well he has certainly found a new way to control everything you do now hasn't he. Including even buying something you like.

I'm going to be blunt here, nothing you describe in this man's behavior is normal. None of it. I've raised three boys as a single mom. I never asked anyone to be a "secret," I never told anyone what they could or couldn't do. I did wait until I had been dating someone for at least six months and bluntly yes had done a background check on them if I thought it was getting serious BEFORE I even introduce the boys to them and vice versa. My kids knew I went out, that's all they knew. It was not their business to know who I was out with and I sure never bought anyone home to meet them until I knew the guy was safe to have around them.

And still yes my middle child usually had to test every guy in my life, didn't like any of them, and that was just part of what I dealt with. I did not tell my dates or boyfriends or lovers how to act or be with my kids and vice versa. They were either going to get along or they weren't, but this tiptoeing around and the other weird sh(( you describe sounds suspiciously like the type of tactics I've seen abusive people use to manipulate others to do their bidding.

My advice of course would be to dump this guy and move on. It will never get better and his control issues are so massive I cringe to think what's still ahead of you. But if you can't do that at least please, don't even show what you're buying to him anymore. Just buy it and if he pulls the whole "Let me buy that for my daughter" routine tell him "No, it's my money, I like it, too bad."

If he gets mad and walks I'd consider that a bonus. Honestly it almost comes across as he's using you to figure out how to appease his daughter, which makes me wonder what he did to her and the mom to be so weird with her about that. OR he is a control freak and he's just found a new way to break down your barriers and see how far he can push you.

Better than 99 percent of women out there would have already told this guy to shove off, not because of the teenage daughter but because of his weird controlling behaviors. I hope you'll be one of those women and not a doormat any longer.

P.S. When someone wants to keep you a secret, it's because they have secrets of their own and don't want to be found out. Run, do not walk, to the nearest exit with those.

I would personally say it shouldn't be a contest between you and his children... She needs to accept you, otherwise the relationship can't be healthy. It sounds like you both have at least some stuff in common... Maybe extend a hand of friendship without him initiating it, or having weight in the offer?

Her age also plays an important role in this...

I think you'd be surprised with what teenagers can understand... If nothing else, maybe just have an open and low-risk discussion with her. Explain your feelings towards her father, and explain how you perceive her in this balance, and that her feelings are important to you as well... It's not just about shoving your butt into a family... She has to respect you as part of the family, and you need to show that you're a functional part of the family instead of a mindless surrogate to your boyfriend...

At the same time... He has no right to control you or tell you how to spend your money or what to wear... It's not your job to tip-toe around land-mines... At some point his kids either come to respect you as an adult, or they don't... And unfortunately this will determine whether a healthy relationship can persist...

She probably sees you as a rival for your boyfriends attention and as such will push you as far as she can. All you can do is bite your tongue and carry on being good and caring, at some point she will come to her senses, but if you push the point with your boyfriend he will always come down on the side of his daughter .You must understand that a person's kids is always going to be the most important thing in their lives. As it should be. If the roles were reversed, you would value your kids over any man.

Other than that, I think you might have to move on as this guy is not suitable for you.At the end of the day its your life and never let anyone rule you or dominate you.

I agree if she's a teenager and you are 22 you're not going to have a lot of authority with her. I know if I was a teenager my dad was going out with a 22-year-old I would be really weirded out.

Yeah... I replied thinking you were AT LEAST in your late 40's...

As someone who was a teenager once, I guarantee if my dad/mom brought a 22 year old into the house I would've chewed them up and spit them out... Hell, in some of my more desperate times I even resorted to violence against my parents, nevermind what I thought of their dates or the sh** they tried to pull...

Walk away, discuss this with someone neutral, and re-center your own life... This screams all kind of wrong and it's NOT something you want to be involved with...

I'd say you're far too young to be involved with someone who has this much baggage.Him and his daughter are a package deal and that will never change.There will be other guys, your age, without children. Find someone who you are compatible with. You are incompatible with this man.

How can you be dating this guy for 3 years, while your other thread states you had a husband this past June?

Multiple accounts are not allowed.

Thread closed.