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So having dinner with my ex tonight.


notquitepsycho

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Recap: We dated nearly two years. I dumped him by email -- which was crappy of me, but I don't do conflict well. He was never able to say he loved me, and despite not offering even that verbal level of commitment gave me an ultimatum that he would dump me if I didn't quit smoking tobacco. He never reached out just to say hi and see how I was doing. I don't require daily contact, but if a person is fine going weeks with no communication with the person they call their "girlfriend", they're just not that into them. I was beating myself up over not being what really rang his bells.

 

I tried several times before the email and chickened out, then in a moment of weakness I actually gave my phone number to one of the many men who had asked for it over those years. We talked three times, and in that week there hadn't been a peep from the person I was supposed to be dating. So I told him that if I was that unhappy, things had to end then, unless he could honestly, truthfully say he loved me and saw a future with us. I offered a F2F in the email because I knew it was bad form, and if he wanted to talk I certainly owed it to him. He declined.

 

After six months of no contact and my emotions healed, I wrote explaining that since I was the dumper I knew it was my job to offer the olive branch if he wanted it, and made it clear that I believed splitting up was still the right thing, but I was still inexcusably cowardly and apologized specifically for that. We talked, he quickly understood I meant either platonic friendship or at least amicable acquaintances that had no fear of scenes running into each other in retail establishments. We never added each other back to social media, email chain fizzled, I left it.

 

This week, nine months after last contact, he emails asking if I'm still single. Said he's lonely. Wants to do dinner.

 

I figured if nothing else, this could be the F2F he declined years ago. I'm not getting my hopes up. I haven't had sex since we split, not for lack of offers or dates. I am 35 and want to settle down, not just hang out and have "occasional sex to relieve anxiety", to quote my favorite vampire comedy.

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What exactly are you hoping will happen?

 

Free meal?

 

That's my only expectation. I know I have more respect for myself than to settle for the prior status quo. If he suggests anything non-platonic, I'll explain why I think the only way anything would ever work between us if if we spent quite a bit of time together OUT of the sack first. We already know we have good chemistry. We need to be sure about compatibility in other areas.

 

Either no sex right away will make him lose interest, or he will understand that I am not at that stage in my life anymore and decide I'm worth spending time with outside the bedroom too. And it's not "playing hard to get", because I plan on being totally up front about it.

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I think you are kidding yourself if you think he is interested in rekindling a flame he couldn't be bothered to keep.

 

I'd be happy with a Facebook friend, or someone to watch movies with on separate couches. But his little head, no matter how much it might remember how I made it feel good back then, is going to be disappointed most likely.

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He never reached out just to say hi and see how I was doing. I don't require daily contact, but if a person is fine going weeks with no communication with the person they call their "girlfriend", they're just not that into them. I was beating myself up over not being what really rang his bells.

 

Was it during the relationship that he never reached out, or after? I think expecting him to reach out to you somewhat regularly after you dump him is rather distorted. You can take it to mean he never cared about you, but if you say "we're through" you can't expect him to just swallow his pride and contact you all the time "if he really cared". Most people go NC because it's too painful to be in a superficial relationship with someone after thinking that they had something deeper.

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Was it during the relationship that he never reached out, or after? I think expecting him to reach out to you somewhat regularly after you dump him is rather distorted. You can take it to mean he never cared about you, but if you say "we're through" you can't expect him to just swallow his pride and contact you all the time "if he really cared". Most people go NC because it's too painful to be in a superficial relationship with someone after thinking that they had something deeper.

 

It was that he never reached out during the relationship. I dealt with it at first because he was in school and working.... then he dropped out, and lost his job, and nothing changed. That's when I tried to express that in my past relationships, it was equally initiated communication wise, and they had all wanted to hear my voice at least every once in awhile even if they might not really have anything to talk about.

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Well, he admitted he's lonely. And my guess is he's found no other woman will tolerate his level of noncommitment/commitment so he's hoping to renew the status quo.

 

Normally I'd say don't bother, but i think in this case it's okay if you go to dinner. Just ditch any expectations that he will do anything but try to talk about another chance in the future and angling to put back in place what you all had before. For him that is his level of commitment and he's probably realizing only you would give him that, so he's hoping to change your mind.

 

Or maybe he's just lonely and hoping for NSA.

 

As long as you can maintain your boundaries and insist what he offered before is not enough and never will be you'll be fine. And you need to insist on that, although I doubt he's ever going to offer full commitment to you or anyone else really. He simply wants what he had before, but most people won't agree to that unless they're commitment phobes too.

 

Nonetheless I wish you well. I just hope he doesn't do empty promises and you waste more time waiting for those promises to come true.

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P.S. If someone who called themselves my boyfriend didn't contact me for weeks I wouldn't feel the least bit sorry I broke up by email. They'd be lucky to get that. I'd probably have just deleted him off everything and when he reached out simply been, "Who is this again? Don't know who you are, but you must be mistaken. I'm single and lovin' it. Bye."

 

Don't beat yourself up about how you broke up, he can't surely expect someone to be at his beck and call only when he wanted it. Totally unreal that he expected that and kind of unreal that you let him.

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P.S. If someone who called themselves my boyfriend didn't contact me for weeks I wouldn't feel the least bit sorry I broke up by email. They'd be lucky to get that. I'd probably have just deleted him off everything and when he reached out simply been, "Who is this again? Don't know who you are, but you must be mistaken. I'm single and lovin' it. Bye."

 

Don't beat yourself up about how you broke up, he can't surely expect someone to be at his beck and call only when he wanted it. Totally unreal that he expected that and kind of unreal that you let him.

 

I've gotten more self-respect in the last few years. But I still don't like to let other people's bad behavior be an excuse for my own.

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Some things can't be superseded .

 

Bet me! Men are easy to replace, almost as easy as batteries. Why don't most of you talk much? It does get a little boring at times. Hint: Women love to talk. We love to discuss feelings, world affairs, our days at work, our families, sports, just about anything. THAT'S what we really need you for, not sex.

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Bet me! Men are easy to replace, almost as easy as batteries. Why don't most of you talk much? It does get a little boring at times. Hint: Women love to talk. We love to discuss feelings, world affairs, our days at work, our families, sports, just about anything. THAT'S what we really need you for, not sex.

 

Ugh...you women. Such USERS.

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Such callousness from the ladies tonight. This is why you get treated badly. You scar us guys who are caring and feeling. Use us for dinner or the like and act like we are simply replaceable. So, shallow. We deserve much better than that.

 

Well, it did go differently than I anticipated.

 

But if you want to talk about scars, he's the one who flat-out told me he didn't love me after over a year of dating. That's why I, in that moment of weakness, gave my number when asked, and then ended the relationship. If he didn't love me, why the hell should it have scarred him?

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As for how it went differently... at least according to him, when I admitted that the impetus for my decision was that he didn't love me and another guy asked me out and for the first time I felt so low from not being good enough for him to love me that I gave the dude my number, it made him angry and jealous and felt like a normal dumpee, despite being the one claiming to have no feelings when I admitted that I loved him.

 

Then he realized that he still couldn't get over me, and that he really did love me but couldn't admit it. He wants to try again, and for it to be not just in the bedroom. I explained that I need someone who shows an active interest in my life, and that I was willing to try but I respected myself and had more self-esteem... and wasn't going to put up with weeks without speaking. He says he understands.

 

We'll see.

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