What does Trust mean to you?

My partner and I recently had a discussion on Trust. He said, "Once trust is gone it is gone!!" (Especially when it comes to cheating). He said that if I ever did this to him we are "Done!!!" and there would be no looking back.

I believe otherwise. I know cheating, lieing and all that stuff is NOT good nor is it right to do so. I'm not encouraging anybody and I have no thoughts into doing something foolish that would wreck a wonderful relationship; however, I do believe that TRUST itself can be rebuilt with hard work and recommitment to a relationship. I do know that it takes time and that forgiveness plays a huge part along with having faith that the relationship can heal.

Thoughts anyone?

My thought is that he values trust and once broken, he will not "work" at rebuilding it. So accept that now.

Like a shattered vase can be glued back together...trust can be rebuilt. But the vase, while repaired...will never hold water again.

I also believe once its gone its gone. It takes me a long time to trust someone usually, so they break my trust with the smallest lie. I just tried to live 3 years with no trust, and it does not work. It doesn't matter how hard you try to build it back up it is ruined with one of your own crazy thoughts.

It's different for different people and in other circumstances. If I were in a scenario where we both grew apart and something happened, BUT up to that point there were no other red flags and the person wanted another chance I'd probably give it to them if I saw major amends done and major lifestyle changes.

But if I saw other red flags and if they came back with a "I'llneverdothatagain, nowlet'snevertalkaboutthis,youmust TRUST mywordalone." Said at the level of speed of lawyer talk I'd give them a pass and tell them to forget it.

If you break my trust you need to really prove I can trust you and that takes time, amends, and me seeing that you've made major changes. Simply saying it don't make it so Joe. Talk is cheap, I wanna see actions or nada.

Trust is consistency.

Trust never comes back, never. Cheaters cheat. Liars lie. Period.

Trust starts in a new relationship, as PH Suite says, with consistency, for me. Can I trust that they will be on time to meet me/pick me up? Can I trust that they will call/text when they say they will? That they will respond to texts/calls in a timely manner?

Then it extends to other areas. Can I trust that they will do what they say they will in general, not just pertaining to me? Are they realistic in their goals and do they follow through? I personally find it hard to trust flaky people, so this is important for me.

Once we've been together for awhile, I start to look for the way they handle situations that are potentially threatening to the relationship. How are their boundaries (this is where it's important to make yours crystal clear!), do they text/call/spend time with members of the opposite sex? How do they handle communication with me while they are spending time with friends/family? Are they jealous or accusatory of me?

It takes me months and months of observation to really trust someone. I have trust issues and I know it, and I don't think that will ever change given the experiences I've had. If someone betrayed my trust, I would have to end the relationship, because I know that I would never be able to trust them again.

I acknowledge your answer thank you; however, I too have a lot of values. With the end result being that of LOVE and for LOVE.

Love doesn't exist without trust.

I acknowledge your answer thank you; however, I too have a lot of values. With the end result being that of LOVE and for LOVE.

What does this mean? Love is not a value, it's an emotion.

I think the term "rebuilding trust" may look good on paper, yet when all is said and done, the chances of going forward and having what you once had, are few and far between.

I didn't say love is not a value. I said, "With the end result being that of LOVE and for LOVE. "

I still don't get what you mean....of love and for love.

Love is the easy part. It comes naturally. Trust is earned...and easily broken by careless words or actions.

I acknowledge your answer thank you; however, I too have a lot of values. With the end result being that of LOVE and for LOVE.

The end result of your values being of love and for love???? What does this mean?

I agree that trust can be rebuilt, although it can be very difficult. But families (parents and children, siblings, etc.) do it all the time. I think the difference with a romantic relationship is that the people involved are not obligated to forgive anyone or rebuild anything. But I do know couples who have rebuilt trust and come out the better for it.

I view trust through the lens of a verb rather than a noun. Rather than 'a belief' in someone else's ability to be trustworthy, I view it as my own investment in that belief. I walk into any relationship with a trust meter set to a neutral, and I observe over t.i.m.e, whether someone teaches me to invest more trust or withdraw it.

If someone I've come to love and trust behaves in a way that trashes that investment, this doesn't mean that I will necessarily stop loving them--it just demo's to me why some people are best loved from far away.

So my trust is 'me' centric. It's about whether I can continue my investment in a person, or not, and I've grown to know myself well enough to recognize my capabilities in this regard. I won't set myself up for a continual state of torture in an effort to reinvest in someone who deliberately trashed my investment once already. I know myself, and so I know that I can't 'make' that desire come back--it won't.

Forgiving, to me, doesn't mean I'm obligated to reinvest. I can give someone whatever forgiveness they might seek from me to relieve their guilt even as I walk away to tend to my own best interests.

I have been taught, that "We are to LOVE and not to hate" in everything we do....we are to "love even our enemies". The end result should be for LOVE....to be compassionate.

We may not have like the fact that "trust" was broken, but if I put love over everything, if I loved the man enough despite his wrong doing and everything that happened...by gosh I would forgive and I would LEARN to trust again and quite obviously he would have to work on his issue(s) whatever it be.

Can you imagine a world if no one trusted? Can you imagine every time someone breaks trust in your life that you have it in your mind to never trust them again?

I think it's possible to rebuild trust but it's never the same as it originally was to begin with.

Like others have pointed out, it's different for everyone and there isn't a black and white answer for this.

I think it's good your know your partners opinion on this.

Yours may be different. Not wrong, just different.

I have been taught, that "We are to LOVE and not to hate" in everything we do....we are to "love even our enemies". The end result should be for LOVE....to be compassionate.

 

We may not have like the fact that "trust" was broken, but if I put love over everything, if I loved the man enough despite his wrong doing and everything that happened...by gosh I would forgive and I would LEARN to trust again and quite obviously he would have to work on his issue(s) whatever it be.

 

Can you imagine a world if no one trusted? Can you imagine every time someone breaks trust in your life that you have it in your mind to never trust them again?

I cannot imagine a world where trust isn't earned.

And I cannot imagine keeping people in my life I cannot trust.

It can be stronger than it was to begin with IF people put the work in.

Many couples who survive infidelity report being happier and more trusting of each other than before IF they address the problems with outside help and make lasting changes for the better.

It's all about degrees. If a car fails once and the issue is credibly repaired, do you never trust your car? What if someone is late for lunch once or twice?

I'm in the kind of shape you might see on fitness magazine covers. Many years ago I was working at a desk very long hours with a poor diet and it showed. If a woman is attracted to the shape I'm in, is she going to not trust me to stay in shape because 10 years before she met me I had an extra 30 lbs of fat rather than muscle? I'm sure that's the furthest concern from her mind when we're both topless. As long as I keep working out daily, she can trust me to stay in excellent shape.

This site, with its endless barrage of toxic stories, I think makes some forget that there are good people in the world who learn from their mistakes and become better and more trustworthy because of it. And we've all made and will make mistakes.

I love GGunsure's approach. Mistrust and skepticism come from living in and operating from our egos. If you try to live your life from a more spiritually evolved, higher self then you will have patience, forgiveness and love for your partner and love them along with the flaws that make them human. I would expect the same back from them.

There are so many gradient levels of infidelity and lies. We all do each of those to some extent; for example, I will at times tell a lie to protect a persons feelings or to not give false expectations of something. I had hooked up with a colleague on a business trip when I was single, a long time before my ex and I were dating. I only had one incident with the guy and we still talk to discuss business ideas with each other, nothing more, no attraction there. I didn't tell my ex that I talk to this guy a couple of times a year on the phone because I knew he was threatened by that and it would unnecessarily upset him. Does that mean I can't be trusted? I'm not even capable of being attracted to anyone other than the man I'm in a relationship, it's just not in me.

Emotions are complicated, not black and white and we are complex creatures with intricate and sometimes disturbing pasts. Forgiveness is a powerful and beautiful trait to possess... in my opinion, it is the closest we can get to god/the universe/source whatever it is that is pure. I'm working at being more forgiving, patient, loving and present. Trying to get away from living in the ego. A year ago I was a very unforgiving, impatient, demanding and driven person. The last six months have caused me to do a complete u-turn. That demanding and driven person was a great success in the corporate realm but not someone I'm proud to look back upon in my personal relationships. One short shot at this life and I choose to love, forgive and love again. I totally get the OP, "love and for love"

Of course there's a caveat, if the other person is cruel, angry and destructive, you can still love and forgive them but love yourself enough to walk away.

Well said West Coast.

PH Suite.....I love what you said, "I think makes some forget that there are good people in the world who learn from their mistakes and become better and more trustworthy because of it. And we've all made and will make mistakes."

Trust is not just about cheating and sexual/emotional fidelity. Trust can mean other things, all kinds of things. For instance, if you are in some kind of a trouble or need the person, can you trust them to be there for you? Or are they only there when they need you, and then conveniently disappear/become busy?

My ex stood me up a lot and was flaky. I never had a chance to trust him with anything serious (though I did with my heart), but then I thought: if I cannot trust him to be there at the time and the place that we had mutually decided upon, can I trust him with other /bigger things?

When we were getting back together the second time, he had promised that this time and as a boyfriend, he would be better and not ditch me so much. It was a mistake to trust him, at least before letting him prove it and earn and show it in a consistent way. Someone above in this thread mentioned that trust = consistent behaviour. That is very true. That way you know you can rely on what you see, and you know what you are going into.

But it is true that sometimes - not often and certainly not always - people do change. I had a bigger and more serious trust issue with another ex, he cheated. But once everything got uncovered, I shamed and punished him, and other things happened to him. We hadn't got a chance to get back together, but (once I finished shaming and punishing him) we kept in touch as friends, and over the years I witnessed how much he had changed. He truly did. His transgression was serious, but he turned things around and really changed himself into someone one could trust and respect.