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Need feedback, criticism from the men here *long*


cremefraiche

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I want to vent cuz this is bugging the hell out of me me even though I should be happy to move on. I want the perspective of men here because I feel I've been getting the wrong advice and maybe some strangers could give me some better insight.

 

I met this guy last year online and we hit it off quickly. We lived about an hours drive from each other and had busy careers but still spent our weekends together and talk to each other nightly for hours when not together. He was great, attentive and a gentleman who treated me well. Personality wise we had a little bit of an opposites attract thing going on. I'm a bit introverted and serious....he is extroverted with a big personality but somehow we still managed to be attracted to each other.

 

The first few months were going smoothly then all of a sudden here comes the big blow: He gets let go from his job. Just to backtrack about 1 month into dating he started with a new company. I don't know 100% of the true circumstances behind what really happened because I only know what he chose to share. Of course there are two sides to every story but obviously he presents the side that is sympathetic to him. The reality of the situation is you have to have done something pretty messed up to get let go after only 2 months on a job. In either case from that day on the relationship just went in a downwards cycle. He started drinking heavily, became depressed and just lost enthusiasm to do anything. Add to that the fact that he found out he wasn't eligible for unemployment due to being at the job less than 6 months was another huge blow because he had no income coming in now and all the major plans he had had to be pushed aside.

 

Of course I'm extremely supportive of him at this time and do everything in my power to cheer him up because no matter the circumstances I still loved him. We still spent time together but the enthusiasm on his part just slowly faded and our sex life became non-existent. He went on countless interviews but couldn't get hired. The drinking became non-stop and he put himself in dangerous situations. Everyday I was scared i'd get that call he was in an accident or in jail for driving drunk. I contemplated leaving but I didn't want to abandon him at this time. I never lost my feelings for him despite it all and I had hoped and prayed that he'd find employment and get back to his old self.

 

Fast forward to mid summer after not having seen each other for several weeks and not hearing from him for several days. I confronted him to find out what the heck was going on. When he finally did call me back I got the infamous "I need some space" conversation citing his job situation and how he's broke, can't maintain a relationship like this etc. Of course I took it really hard and got angry considering how I stuck by his side through everything that was going on but his reasons made sense. At that point I was hurt but decided to give him his space but somehow that did not stop him from calling me ever 3-4 days. I missed him and I still took his calls and answered his texts. A couple of weeks later he hit rock bottom and called me extremely emotional after he'd been drinking heavily and said he needed me. I ran over to be with him and take care of him and stayed by his house for 5 days. We didn't have sex at all during that time. The final day I was there a call came in from one of the companies he interviewed with turning him down for position because they decided on another candidate. That set him off and he got angry and asked me to leave because he needed to be alone. At that point I exchanged some words with him and went home. I eventually got a voicemail 2 days later apologizing. At that point I had enough and decided to let go. At this point 9 months had passed and things only looked like they would never get better.

 

At this point I decided to accept some dates with other men. I felt since we were on "break" and since I received the I need space speech I felt entitled because why should I continue sulking at home alone on saturday night? Besides things didn't look like they were getting brighter for him because he'd been on multiple interviews so far and hadn't gotten accepted at any. I went on a few light dates for fun out of boredom but couldn't connect with those men because all I wasn't truly over my last relationship. I kept up with my no contact anyway hoping that when he got himself together he would reach out to me. For a little over month we had no contact. I kept busy with work and my family to pass the time.

 

With thanksgiving approaching I started thinking about him a lot and decided to reach out to him but my calls went unanswered so I texted him. He texted back apologizing for not returning calls then wrote that maybe it's best we not contact each other anymore because he's met someone. This hit me like a punch in the gut...how could he move on so soon and how? I texted him back upset at the way he did this and said I needed some answers. He told me to call him and I did and we had a long conversation. He denied seeing anyone while we were dating actively but confessed that around a month ago he said out of boredom he hit up a dating site and he met someone he hit off with. He said it just happened and it wasn't planned. He made it sound like they were exclusive already. Apparently she saw my text and got mad at him. He said he ed up, didn't do things the right way and he apologizes. I asked him about his current job status and he states he still hasn't found anything yet. He is currently in process of moving back with his mom and that other woman was over helping him pack when she saw my text. He states she knows of me because he told her all about me. Her seeing my text while being over at his place caused them to have a disagreement and now shes upset with him.

 

We spoke for a good hour or more and i'm just sitting there stunned at how despite his financial situation getting worse by the day he managed to jump into a new relationship despite us going on break because of this same so called situation. I'm not understanding how this supposedly smart succesful female jumped into a relationship with an unemployed man who is moving back to his moms house (Of course I played detective and found her info online). Is he lying or stretching the truth? During our convo he acted as if he was sincere in his apologies and said he still wanted us to be cool. He said he doesn't know where his life or new relationship is headed. Perhaps i'm glossing over or engaging in wishful thinking but it seemed like from his tone he was leaving things open. Almost as if he didn't rule out things changing between us. I'm thoroughly confused at this whole situation and I need some objective answers on how to deal. Out of anger I deleted him from all social media and didn't contact him to wish him a Happy Thanksgiving at all.

 

1) Is there anything I should have done differently? I know the general advice would have been to dump him long ago but due to the nature of the situation how could I as a good supportive girlfriend abandon someone at their time of need and not appear selfish and a user?

2) How the hell does one jump into another relationship considering his situation and the fact that we never ended properly?

3) Does job loss really make men lose their minds like this?

4) Is it really over for us?

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I think you've done quite a bit to be there and support your ex-boyfriend. He was just a broken man after losing his job. Job loss is a very stressful period. I do believe that to lose a job after two months seems sort of fishy but things happen sometime. Especially for a guy or at least most guys, losing a job can be a very hypersensitive, emotional period -- especially a guy who builds himself up on his job. Meaning his job is everything to him. I do think the relationship is over and should move on.

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Maybe this is an irrational idea and i'm just hyper sensitive due to the holiday season and because i'm also PMS'ing but I was contemplating calling his cousin to find out whats really going on.

 

Before you ask why I even have his number i've met his cousin before and those two are extremely close. I've been to his house with my ex and met his wife and kids so he is familiar with me and he was real nice to me. He gave me his number in case I ever needed anything but I never had a reason to use it yet. Would it be a bad idea to call him or is this a bad idea? Just asking...

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Maybe this is an irrational idea and i'm just hyper sensitive due to the holiday season and because i'm also PMS'ing but I was contemplating calling his cousin to find out whats really going on.

 

Before you ask why I even have his number i've met his cousin before and those two are extremely close. I've been to his house with my ex and met his wife and kids so he is familiar with me and he was real nice to me. He gave me his number in case I ever needed anything but I never had a reason to use it yet. Would it be a bad idea to call him or is this a bad idea? Just asking...

 

Incredibly bad idea. You are an adult, not in Jr high. You don't include other people.

Secondly, what he is doing a no who is doing it with are none of your concern.

You know the situation from the horses mouth...I mean ass.

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She is an enabling sort and he is likely lying about his situation. Let her have him, he is a loser.

 

I'm wondering if he was completely honest with her about his status. She must know something now that he's moving back home into his childhood bedroom. I don't understand a woman knowing this yet taking a relationship seriously 1 month in. It's different if things fell apart in the middle middle of an established LTR. Either information is being left out. I can't see them lasting.

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1)You have done what the "ideal" girlfriend would do.More than enough given that you knew him just some months before the job loss etc.

2)To be fair you dated other men too but it didn't flourish .

3)I run from interview to interview , it's frustrating but i never drink therefore i never overreact . Drinking makes everything worse .

4)Yes , I think you should move on even if he wants you back.

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You need to stop beating a dead horse, read the writing on the wall and move on.

It doesn't matter why he chose to start another relationship, and you really can't blame him for dating around, since you did the exact same thing.

Maybe his feelings for you fizzled unrelated to the loss of his job, maybe he was depressed, it could be anything. The fact is that he is now dating someone else, and you need to respect that and let go. Stalking him and his new girlfriend and contacting his relatives is just coo-coo, and it won't be received well.

 

You need to accept it's over and move on.

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You need to stop beating a dead horse, read the writing on the wall and move on.

It doesn't matter why he chose to start another relationship, and you really can't blame him for dating around, since you did the exact same thing.

Maybe his feelings for you fizzled unrelated to the loss of his job, maybe he was depressed, it could be anything. The fact is that he is now dating someone else, and you need to respect that and let go. Stalking him and his new girlfriend and contacting his relatives is just coo-coo, and it won't be received well.

 

You need to accept it's over and move on.

 

Yeah I did go on 3 dates out of boredom I admit it....but that was way after our quasi break up where he said he wanted space out of nowhere. I didn't ask for any of this at all. I didn't sleep with anyone I didn't start a new life with someone and throw it in his face. Absolutely no stalking over here. If that was the case i would have long ran to his house to confront him face to face.

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Yes, job loss is a big deal for most men. It's an even bigger deal if it means loss of property and moving back in with mum. Labour laws vary between countries but I've discovered they vary between states. As for being sacked after 2 months, I think the usual "rule" worldwide is that a person in a new job is most vulnerable on the first day. In the UK I think someone has to be in a job for 2 years before they have any job security, so one can be sacked without justifiable reason. I've seen people let go for all sorts of reasons. Whilst poor performance is the most obvious, many times people get sacked simply because someone doesn't like them.

 

Whatever he said to the new girl is not your concern. She will sink or swim as she pleases. The only "mistake" you made was having an indefinitely long break without laying down some ground rules. It sounds as if you weren't together but hadn't broken up either. Not a good place to be.

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Yes, job loss is a big deal for most men. It's an even bigger deal if it means loss of property and moving back in with mum. Labour laws vary between countries but I've discovered they vary between states. As for being sacked after 2 months, I think the usual "rule" worldwide is that a person in a new job is most vulnerable on the first day. In the UK I think someone has to be in a job for 2 years before they have any job security, so one can be sacked without justifiable reason. I've seen people let go for all sorts of reasons. Whilst poor performance is the most obvious, many times people get sacked simply because someone doesn't like them.

 

 

Whatever he said to the new girl is not your concern. She will sink or swim as she pleases. The only "mistake" you made was having an indefinitely long break without laying down some ground rules. It sounds as if you weren't together but hadn't broken up either. Not a good place to be.

 

I agree with your last sentence. If I had to do things over I would have set some rules down because the terms of this so called break were so vague and ambiguous. I thought if I left him alone and gave him the space he needed and putting the ball in his court we'd eventually get back when things got better for him. This new development just threw me off and came out of nowhere. So many things weren't handled properly and could have been done differently. This is what it is hard for me and keeping me from accepting these new changes.

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Hard to say if the new GF is actually a new development right? He may have started that relationship with her a lot earlier than you think.

 

I would be concerned that he can't handle stress well anyway. Yes job loss is stressful but not an excuse to treat anyone poorly, especially you. I would think that if I didn't have work, I'd be especially appreciative of a supportive GF. Many more stressful things to come in his life, think what it be like if you were married and dealing with him drinking to extremes constantly. Red flag.

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Based on what you mentioned re the situation after he lost his job, I think you were a total class act for sticking around and trying to be supportive. The loss of his job must have hit him hard, especially if he is the hetero macho type that likes to feel like a "Man" (I know I am, hehe). Personally, when going through things of the magnitude of job loss, I like to deal with them alone (with space), but it does not mean I am pulling away from significant others/loved ones. It's just the way I am.

 

I am sure it sucks, being there for someone, and then poof, they hit you with something like this. Do not blame yourself, it's a reflection on them, not you. It will not make it suck less, but having been through/going through the feelings of shame re my care/efforts not being recognized/reciprocated, feel the hurt/pain, but don't stay there too much. Like I said, given the info you've posted: class act.

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Hard to say if the new GF is actually a new development right? He may have started that relationship with her a lot earlier than you think.

 

I would be concerned that he can't handle stress well anyway. Yes job loss is stressful but not an excuse to treat anyone poorly, especially you. I would think that if I didn't have work, I'd be especially appreciative of a supportive GF. Many more stressful things to come in his life, think what it be like if you were married and dealing with him drinking to extremes constantly. Red flag.

 

Yeah I'm not sure I'm getting the whole truth. Only conclusion I can come to is that he wanted to let me go and the job issues just became a convenient excuse. Only thing is if that's the case there were no warning signs beforehand.

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1) Is there anything I should have done differently? I know the general advice would have been to dump him long ago but due to the nature of the situation how could I as a good supportive girlfriend abandon someone at their time of need and not appear selfish and a user?

2) How the hell does one jump into another relationship considering his situation and the fact that we never ended properly?

3) Does job loss really make men lose their minds like this?

4) Is it really over for us?

 

1) Yes, you should have broken up with him when he was drinking heavily. Being supportive doesn't mean being enabling. You say he could have gotten himself in jail or in an accident, but he also could have killed someone. And the fact that he was so negligent should have turned you off in a very big way.

2) My guess is that a person jumps into another relationship because he or she is mentally unhealthy and overly needy.

3) No. Job loss is difficult for both men and women, but it's how people handle crisis that shows their character.

4) Hopefully, yes.

 

As another poster pointed out, do you really want to be with someone who falls apart like this? Who has a drinking problem? What if you got married and one of you got seriously ill, or your child was special needs, or a job was lost again? How's that going to work?

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Maybe this is an irrational idea and i'm just hyper sensitive due to the holiday season and because i'm also PMS'ing but I was contemplating calling his cousin to find out whats really going on.

 

Before you ask why I even have his number i've met his cousin before and those two are extremely close. I've been to his house with my ex and met his wife and kids so he is familiar with me and he was real nice to me. He gave me his number in case I ever needed anything but I never had a reason to use it yet. Would it be a bad idea to call him or is this a bad idea? Just asking...

 

What you should have done a lot sooner was let this go. He's showing himself to be a loser who can't hold a job and he had already checked out of your relationship long before he told you so. Sure you tried to be nice and supportive, but ultimately it was a waste of your time and emotion. He's moved on, doesnt matter how or why, he's gone and you need to accept that. DO NOT call his cousin! You will look desperate and clingy and a pain in the butt if you do that. Time to think of yourself, not him. I know that sounds mean but you need a wake up call!

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The only reason you did not sleep with any of your dates or start a relationship with any of them is because there was no chemistry with any of them. If you had found one who interested you, you would have done the same thing your ex did, date them. You are being a bit of a hypocrite here and you know it. Leave the man alone and get on with your life. As others here have said, you are both beating a dead horse and not being honest with yourself. DO NOT call anyone else about this AT ALL. That is something teenagers do, not adults.

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The only reason you did not sleep with any of your dates or start a relationship with any of them is because there was no chemistry with any of them. If you had found one who interested you, you would have done the same thing your ex did, date them. You are being a bit of a hypocrite here and you know it. Leave the man alone and get on with your life. As others here have said, you are both beating a dead horse and not being honest with yourself. DO NOT call anyone else about this AT ALL. That is something teenagers do, not adults.

 

 

Well thanks for the victim blaming. How am I a hypocrite? Did you not read where I explained I did not initiate the separation? I guess I should have continued to sit home alone for weeks while he doesn't communicate or spend time with me. I should have turned down that trip to the movies to get out of the house and cheer myself up.

 

Hypocrite would be me initiating a break up and then getting mad at the other person for moving on.

 

Even if by some magic chance I found chemistry with another and wanted to date them long term I would never have gone further without having a discussion and officially ending things with my ex first to at least give him a final chance to make things right.

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You don't need an official end from a guy who won't answer your calls.

 

Where did I say he didn't answer my calls? That's actually not the case. We did communicate, that communication fell off last month because I went no contact but if I texted or called he always responded. It may not have been the conversations we should have been having but he never ignored me if I reached out first.

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