abaco Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 I was married to the girl of my dreams for 16 years until she met a guy in a cooking chatroom. The question I have is can I trust this guy with our 7 year old son. OK here are the facts. Four months after they met online he started asking her to send him pictures of my son. During those first 4 months pretty much all they did was sexting. The day he asked her “when are you going to send me pictures of your son?” they had just finished a big sexting session. Now we are divorced and my ex-wife has her own place. This guy still comes around and my son has mentioned a few things to me. First he tells me about how this guy likes to wrestle with him and when they wrestle he likes to tickle and grab my son on his butt. Now I was just on the phone with my son and the guy was over for Thanksgiving and my son was telling me that the guy was wearing pink underwear. I asked him how he knew this and he said that “he showed him his underwear” Now I have never met this guy because if I do meet him I’m afraid of what I might do but should I be concerned? I’m pretty freaked out and want to drive over to my ex’s place and give this piece of garbage the beating he deserves. So should I be freaked and if so what should I do about this? I should mention that during the divorce the issue of him being a pedophile did come up. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 I would report it to the police . And let them do their job. Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 Yes you should be concerned, he seems far too interested in your son and showing him his underwear is really a red flag, even if it is pink. What does your ex wife say about this guy? Have you mentioned you are worried? Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 If the issue came up, why is your son in his company? Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 Yes, you definitely have a big cause for concern. What do you mean issue with him being a pedophile? Are you referring to all of this or is there something in his past? Link to comment
Stay_home Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 Try to attain as much information about this man from your son as possible without blowing your cool. You don't want to lose your mind and make him feel like it's his fault. Young children sometime may begin to believe that because they are not old enough to really understand what's going on. They only see their parent angry over something that they said. Write that information down along with dates and times these incidents have happen. Then go to the police department of the jurisdiction where these incidents have occurred and ask to speak with an officer/investigator. Be sure to bring the dated notepad with you along with your son. Guarantee you if it's as inappropriate as you have described the investigators will want to question the guy playing around with your son. If they determine probable cause prior to speaking with him, then they'll be able to bang out a warrant and place him under arrest. Have you mentioned your concerns to your ex-wife? Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 You need to be deeply thoughtful about this. The man is entirely inappropriate and is breaking down barriers one by one. (1) Educate the ex so she knows how to identify a threat. (2) If you fail to enlist her assistance, request an off-schedule custody to take an extended vacation with your family or some other special reason. Make sure you have her agreement. (3) Talk to an attorney. (4) Talk to the police about a restraining order. In many instances, once divorced, you lose control over the people to whom your ex exposes your children. However, the behavior the boy has described may be enough to get a restraining order at least. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 Stay_home makes a good point: you can not make any blustery remarks. No promises to reap justice on someone who hurts your son; your son will hear that and protect his assailant, should anything actually happen. I know it sounds backwards, but by listening and letting your son talk and talk about this man will be the best way for your son to know you are there for him, and for you to keep your son talking. If your son tells your ex you are asking about the BF, they may tell him "Don't say anything to your father, because it hurts your father's feelings." So you need to be thoughtful as you go about this, and keep your intentions and your emotions to yourself. Link to comment
shellyf62 Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 Omg, why do single women let men like this into their homes & have access to their children?? It just makes my blood boil!!! I didn't start dating til after my children were teenagers (after my divorce). Have you spoken to your ex about this? This is all highly inappropriate. Please do something asap so your Son isn't in danger. PS: How do you know about the sexting sessions & the request for your Son's pic??? Link to comment
abaco Posted November 27, 2015 Author Share Posted November 27, 2015 Stay_home makes a good point: you can not make any blustery remarks. No promises to reap justice on someone who hurts your son; your son will hear that and protect his assailant, should anything actually happen. I know it sounds backwards, but by listening and letting your son talk and talk about this man will be the best way for your son to know you are there for him, and for you to keep your son talking. If your son tells your ex you are asking about the BF, they may tell him "Don't say anything to your father, because it hurts your father's feelings." So you need to be thoughtful as you go about this, and keep your intentions and your emotions to yourself. Thank you all for your help and advice. I have been very careful to not show any emotion when it comes to tis guy but I can tell you it is really hard. I have been documenting everything my son has said and just like your advice I have let him do all the talking. I did have a talk with him last Winter regarding anyone touching him but I kept it general, strangers and such. I have talked to my ex-wife several times about this, but this guy has her so penis whipped (sorry for the language) that she can't see straight. He had her ready to walk out on us after only a month of sexting! Link to comment
Seraphim Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 It's important that you do not question your son any police or investigator will tell you that. Report this to the proper authorities don't even check with your ex-wife. When I was a child I was a victim of sexual abuse they told my parents not question me at all that it's important for someone TRAINED in how to question children to do that. Report this to the police. Link to comment
abaco Posted November 27, 2015 Author Share Posted November 27, 2015 Omg, why do single women let men like this into their homes & have access to their children?? It just makes my blood boil!!! I didn't start dating til after my children were teenagers (after my divorce). Have you spoken to your ex about this? This is all highly inappropriate. Please do something asap so your Son isn't in danger. PS: How do you know about the sexting sessions & the request for your Son's pic??? Sadly that is how I learned about the affair. She had told me that "She had fallen out of love with me" but swore that it wasn't about another man. Three months later I came home from work after picking my son up at daycare. Anyway I came home and went to check my email and there was a white screen already on my computer. I thought it was a virus at first until I started reading it. It was a file she had kept and it had all 254 pages of texting & sexting between the two of them. It even had the sessions they had after each of our marriage counsiling sessions. He would have her text him right after we met with the therapist and then he would break a part anything we did in our session. What I really love is how this guy always called me a loser to my then wife, I'm talking after a week of meeting her he was calling me that!!! Any way when it came to pictures of my son he had asked a couple of times but she hadn't sent any. The day I found all of there texts he had asked her for them again the night before. Can you imagine having to read 254 pages of all of this stuff! This is why I still haven't met him. I know I would do something stupid like take a swing at him and then I'm the one in jail. Link to comment
PH Suite Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 ^ Wow. I honestly think with evidence like that if you offed him you should get a Good Citizenship Award not jail time. Your ex and he deserve each other - they're both garbage. Real shame your son is involved. Victoria66's advice is excellent. Call the cops ASAP and just tell them what your concerns are. Show them the texts file if they wish to see it, as it's better they read it than hear it from you. It's also why they, or an expert, need to speak with the boy. It could easily look like you coached him or something because you can seem to be the vengeful jilted man. And whatever your son has to say, it's better if the authorities hear it directly not via hearsay from you. Best of luck! Link to comment
dave_1966 Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 I would call the police and a lawyer. Link to comment
abaco Posted November 27, 2015 Author Share Posted November 27, 2015 I would call the police and a lawyer. My big concern is getting a lawyer. The lawyer I had for my divorce raked me over the coals. He charged me 15,000.00 just so I could get 50% custody. Now I'm broke and could never afford a lawyer. Hopefully the police would be able to help! Thank you all for your advice. Never in my wildest dreams did I think this could happen to me. We were together 21 years (marred 16) had a nice house in the suburbs, she is an elementary school teacher and I work in cardiac rehabilitation at a local hospital. I miss my family and how it used to be. Like I said Never in my wildest dreams did I think this could happen to me Link to comment
Seraphim Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 If you talk to your ex-wife about it she will have a chance to coach your son in explaining away things that are very wrong. It gives her the heads up. If you talk to your son they will say you coached him and therefore it never happened. The person that this is being done to is your son which I'm sure you know. So get him the best help and someone who knows how to interview children and that is the police. Most likely the police will bring with them a social worker that is trained to interview children about such things. If either of you guys talk to him and he gets forced to be quiet or his ideas on what happened get jumbled there is a chance this could continue to happen. And if you try and get revenge on the guy you will end up in jail and then your son will have no protector. So please do this in the smart way. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 There are lawyers that do pro-bono work. Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 You are a father. The cost in dollars is irrelevant. We are talking about your son. His well being and safety is priceless. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 First, do a background check on the guy. Second, maybe a nanny cam in your kid's backpack. Three, tell your son the next time this guy tries to wrestle with him or touch him he's to shout "No, don't do that." And make a big stink about it. Based on what you find in the guy's background proceed from there. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 This is the kind of question to bring to a good lawyer. Link to comment
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