Am I right for being annoyed that she didn't tell me she was going out?

Some advice please –

I am looking to be told either I’m in the wrong or she is. Either way I don’t mind but sometimes you require an outside opinion, someone who isn’t clouded by being annoyed.

So me and J – 2.5 years together, all is good. She’s a doctor, works extremely hard, is busy at work for at least 13 hours a day and with me being 5 hours ahead it can be a nightmare at times.

In the past 2 and a half years, we seem to always have problems whenever she goes home, sometimes she’s gone home for 2/3 months, other times for a week or so.

We have problems due to when she’s home, her parents don’t treat her as if she’s 27, its like shes 12 again. They literally want her with them at all times so we struggle to find time to talk.

Now being thanksgiving, she was going to go home, but about a week before, we had a really honest conversation because definitely it is me who wants more time to talk than her and she’s more of the believer, quality over quantity.

We talked about it and where she has broken up with me in the past, my insecurity (from the past) has created a pattern for me. The pattern being that I had a belief, that I didn’t even realise, but I believed that if I wasn’t around her all the time, so always staying up/ replying to her messages instantly, she’ll forget about me etc etc

Now I’m not insecure, I’m not worried in the slightest, I know how much she loves me, but I guess I’d built a routine that just wasn’t possible. She explained to me how if she got home at 6pm and wanted to shower, or go grocery shopping she felt guilty because she knew I’d be waiting and staying up. Her telling me, that her fridge being practically empty is my fault, was the wake up call I needed!

Okay so that’s the very long background; now to the current problem

She’s been home a few days and its been fine, I’ve used the extra time to catch up with friends/ go out with my brothers/ one night I even slept super early. All is fine.

The only thing I ask for is communication, I’ve been out every night this week and always tell her who I’m with, where I am, whats going on etc and always a good night msg before I sleep.

This morning, I wake up to nothing. Again no big deal, figured she’d crashed out or whatever. She texts me a couple hours later saying she was out clubbing and now is in a cab home.

Am I right for being annoyed that she didn’t tell me she was going out, that I’m sitting here thinking she’s fast asleep but in fact she was out drinking?

I want to emphasize that I absolutely do not mind that she went out, if anyone needed to let their hair down, its her. I’m annoyed that I wasn’t sent one message over an 8 hour period saying hey im out with Rena, thinking about you or anything,.

What do you think?

Hello Sara87,

I'm sorry for your predicament. Look, the way I see this... I think this LDR is going to crash and burn soon.

My straight and simple advice to you:

1) I think you should end this relationship and find someone physically close to you you can spend time with. if it's not bad enough being in an LDR but when you have completely incompatible lifestyles I don't see this changing whatsoever.

2) Even if you weren't in an LDR, this person works 13 hours a day. You know, that is ridiculous, even for a doctor! This person has literally 1-2 hours of free time, and I bet a good portion of that is spent running errands, taking showers, and doing other things. Career is important but what is there to life if you don't have time to spend with loved ones? This person sounds overly committed to her career which isn't bad but there needs to be a balance between work and play.

3) It sounds like this person is not taking the relationship as serious. You communicate well, let her know what you are doing. She doesn't do the same.

Good luck.

We close the distance in January. So it really is just only for around 6 more weeks.

I just don’t know if my being annoyed is justifiable.

Thank you for your reply

Also, just to add these crazy hours are only for a few more months. She’s a resident but come July she gets into the program she wants which means her hours are more than likely to be 8-4 or something to that effect.

I think she does not feel emotionally close to you. You will know soon enough once you close the distance in January . She is not being mean, and may not realize it imo.

Why in the world do you have to check in with each other to that extent (you call it "communication" which is technically true if you define it as sharing information with another person like you would if you had to "communicate" to your boss that you were running late - I don't see its relevance at all to the sort of communication that builds bonding and connection).

You say her parents treat her like she is 12. Aren't you doing the same by expecting that she check in when she is away to the extent you are?

I think you are both slightly wrong. I have been grilled for going out to the bar and not texting for hours. I owe it to my friends when I am out with them not to be on my phone, we don't get much time together.. Different schedules, they have kids, etc. But at the same time, I would at least text my SO before I went out to let them know, I wouldn't let them think I was sleeping.

S

Communication isn t laying out your plans for the other.person. She is half a world away from you on holiday.

Your actions and being upset is not justied. There is no need to check in to the extent you seem to require it.

I think you are over the top wrong. All this worry about her not texting you enough or fast enough would make me crazy. LDR is hard, no way around that. If it bugs you that much find a girl closer to home.

You really need to tamp down your expectations. You're not asking for communication but rather "schedule accountability" as if she were a child.

Good luck on your relationship when you move closer. It's going to be a tough transition for you both.